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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH elder son should not be sleeping in his mums bed everynight?

308 replies

babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 12:49

My DH had a previous relationship , and has a lovely son who is 10 years old.. will be going into secondary school next year. He is bright, clever funny and just does what normal kids do. We get on really well.

Anyway, my DH and his ex only speak purely for the sake of their son which I understand ( I never get involved in any conversation as it is not my place , he is their child and that is that )

BUT me and DH are starting to become concerned about the fact that he is openly honest about sleeping in his mums bed every night -

I have an 18 month old, so I have no idea whether this is normal or not? The only thing I can link it to, is because maybe of his parents splitting when he was young and now he sometimes feels insecure?

But also when he comes and stops with us, he is more than happy to sleep alone in his own room.

I just don't want him to go to secondary school and get picked on because of it, and neither does his Dad.

What are your thoughts, is this normal ?

OP posts:
clairemcnam · 30/04/2019 20:08

16 per cent of adults in the uk live alone, so a lot of adults do sleep alone most of the time.

headinhands · 30/04/2019 20:15

I think it would be sending him the wrong message if anyone suggested to him that fear of being teased at school should prevent him from carrying on with something which gives him comfort and security. I've never understood why people give such advice to children.

Yes! You've explained it perfectly. It's like saying 'if you don't stop being gay other people will be horrible.' How about we tackle the ignorance?

Original poster
babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 20:52

Yes I completely get where you are coming from but in the same breath if you found out your child was being bullied at school or being picked on because of this then what do you do ? You can't control what happens at school because you are not there . It's a tough one.

OP posts:
Blossom28 · 30/04/2019 20:55

@cliquewhyohwhy why is it wrong?

AryaStarkWolf · 30/04/2019 21:05

But he isn't getting bullied though, that's a hypothetical scenario you have just thrown out there

Original poster
babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 21:14

I am not just 'throwing it out there' going to secondary school is a complete different ball game to primary school. It can take just one comment or a mistake comment by my DH son about sleeping in bed with his mum and thatt can set off bullying...all we are doing is looking out for him.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 30/04/2019 21:20

I have 2 sons. 1 is bullied, 1 isn't. My ds2 could say he sleeps with his mum and everyone would think that's super cool. Ds1 without her bullied for it. My point being : certain kids are targets. It's horrible. They are often kids with some mild sen, or other issues such as extreme poverty or physical disability. If your stepson is going to get bullied, they will find anything. Wrong shoes, wrong skin, wrong phone etc.

longwayoff · 30/04/2019 21:32

Nothing wrong with that but when he gets to secondary school, if he innocently mentions it, his life will be made a misery from teasing. Own bed the better idea..

Dollywilde · 30/04/2019 21:35

DH (lovely, 33, perfectly normal!) would sleep in with MIL until he was a teen. It was just the two of them and they both liked the company - he was 50/50 access with his dad so she had her own time too.

I thought it was a bit strange when I first found out but actually they have a lovely and healthy bond and as soon as he wanted to stop they did. So I think it’s fine Smile

Dollywilde · 30/04/2019 21:36

Oh and yes he didn’t mention it at school!

LetsDialDownTheIanPaisley · 30/04/2019 23:10

I think it's common for single parents to bedshare. I do with my 3 year old and can't imagine him stopping anytime soon.

BattenburgIsland · 30/04/2019 23:14

My DH slept in his mums bed till he was 12! Partially because when they moved in they had no money and there was just one bedroom with one bed in it... and also I think he was a very anxious child due to some things that had happened and he had bad nightmares/found it difficult to sleep.
I think it is unusual but not something you need to be overly concerned about unless the child himself is concerned about it.

julensaor · 01/05/2019 00:13

you are being a bit odd OP. Yes I completely get where you are coming from but in the same breath if you found out your child was being bullied at school or being picked on because of this then what do you do ? You can't control what happens at school because you are not there . It's a tough one.

I know written words sometimes don't come across well and you are snappy with anyone who suggests that they are reading your post as I do. i.e. 'is this creepy?' without revalidating the original supposed intent. The above quoted is only fluff at a reason as to why you are asking. So hypothetical, so unrealistic, are you looking for a problem?

You ask 'whether this is normal or not?' Jesus Christ have you been reading too much Freud. Most people on a whim would know that this is ok. Why the hell do you think he would go to school and say I sleep in the same bed as my mum, as opposed to talking about soccer, girls, haircuts, teachers, smoking etc. You and your DH sound quite odd.

Persimmonn · 01/05/2019 09:23

It can take just one comment or a mistake comment by my DH son about sleeping in bed with his mum and thatt can set off bullying...all we are doing is looking out for him

Confused I managed to go through all of secondary school without discussing my sleeping arrangements at home with my friends. Just stop thinking about it and stop making a big deal out of it. He’s 10 ffs. When he wants to stop he will.

Adversecamber22 · 01/05/2019 09:47

After my Mother had a total breakdown after my stepfather died she made me share her bed for her own needs, wanting the comfort etc. I actually hated it and it disturbed my sleep patterns. I suppose my experience is different in that being forced to share your sleeping space with someone who has lost their mind is bad.

bobstersmum · 01/05/2019 09:57

Why is it a concern for you op, is it any of your buisness? You sound like a judgy busybody!

Luckystar777 · 01/05/2019 10:52

I'm female. My mother made me sleep in bed with her when my father wasn't around and she abused me. So my views are probably a bit abnormal due to that.. but I think children need boundaries/their own space. I would say from about age 5 or 6 they should be in their own bed most nights.

If it was a father and a 10 year old girl I would see that as very inappropriate.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/05/2019 10:59

I think most children know that secondary school is very different from junior school. It's often a time when parents prepare their children for more responsibility, for example, own keys, mobile phone, walking to school on their own, being alone at home for a bit. I'm sure he will be fine.

HoppingPavlova · 01/05/2019 12:15

One of mine was around 15/16yo when they stopped. Try 3 in a bed when two of them are over 6’ and you are squished in the middleHmm. I would often climb out and go sleep in their bed and within an hour of doing so they would follow me (I cuddled/snuggled them, DH did not). Needless to say I purchased them a bigger bedGrin. I thought I would be relieved when it stopped but to be honest I just felt a bit sad.

What I was relieved about was not having multiples in the bed. At one point everyone was in there. We even had one draped across the bottom, like a living foot warmer. Last one would come in the room, tug on the doona and I would sleepily announce the bed was full so they would just lie at the end. We had to redo the doona system and have multiple doonas to make sure everyone was covered. There was literally not one square cm to move in. I really dont miss that period of my life

Shockers · 01/05/2019 17:31

Perfectly normal, and it’ll stop naturally as he feels the need for more privacy.

Shockers · 01/05/2019 17:33

@Luckystar777, I’m so sorry that that happened to you. It wasn’t normal, or right for you Sad.

flamed12 · 01/05/2019 17:42

I was very anxious as a child. I always tried to get into my mums bed in the middle of the night. She banned me so I have to sneak it so quietly. I remember being petrified that she would wake up. In the morning she would be so angry with me.

My parents had gone through a divorce and it was very very messy. I needed comfort and she refused.

She got a lock on her door and I used to stand at the door crying and shaking terrfiied in the middle of the night. I still don’t get what the big deal was.

My son is 7, daughter 2 and they are welcome into my bed for comfort for however long they wish. My son sleeps in my bed about 25% of the time (when his dad is working away always and occasionally when his dad is home).

Mumberjack · 01/05/2019 17:45

There’s nothing wrong with it if it’s for his own comfort or feelings of security.
Not so good if he feels he has to, to keep his mum company, through things she is doing or saying.

Threepe · 01/05/2019 17:49

My ds up to the age of ten would always end up in my bed, he use to have horrible nightmares , I don’t think there is any harm at all but there was no way he would have told his friends about it ,I’m sure the mother is aware and wil probably have a chat with him before he starts secondary school

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 01/05/2019 17:56

This is a timely question inasmuch as my dd is almost 10 and sneaks into our bed in the night 99% of the time. In fact, if I wake up and she isn't there I wonder if she's ok as it's so common. I don't love it, but as it doesnt wake either myself or DP up I can't do too much about it at the time either and I figure it won't be long until she is barely speaking to me, let alone trying to share a bed with me!