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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bridesmaid issues! 6 weeks to go!!

168 replies

Lozzy25 · 29/04/2019 21:47

I'm having a massive bridesmaid problem and I don't know what to do!

I have 3 adult bridesmaids, my sister and my DP 2 sisters. One of my DP sisters (26) is acting a bit odd and I think unfair! I have paid for their dresses and about a month ago all 3 of them came round to my parents house where the dresses are being kept to try dresses on to make sure they fitted okay. My sister and DP other sister were happily trying them on and trying different ways to wear them etc but the other sister didn't speak to anyone the whole time, she sat in the other room and refused to participate! She made rude comments and snapped at my sister a couple of times! After a while she said 'get this dress off me I'm going home'

She then came round a week later to our house and told me how she dislikes my sister and has been making snide comments ever since. I had my hen do at the weekend and yet again DP sister sat there the whole day and didn't say a word, was rude to my mum who had spent hours planning my hen do and always makes sure everyone is okay. DP sister also complained about the food, drink, hotel and how she wouldn't be staying there again! She didn't even speak to me the whole day and yet again snapped at my sister who then ended up in tears.

The problem is I'm supposed to be getting ready with them on the morning of my wedding! Along with my mum and my DP mum but I'm not sure I want DP sister there with me now Sad I'm so worried she will upset my family or me and make everyone feel uncomfortable!

Should I still have her there in the morning or should I not? I will feel bad having to tell her she's not welcome anymore. We were quite close before all this so I don't know what's happened! I don't know what to do, I'm so nervous.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 01/05/2019 17:18

I think my DP is worried about having to deal with them and the drama it will cause if we tell her she's un invited!

Well you can either deal with the drama now and enjoy your wedding day, or you can take the risk of drama on your wedding day as she tries to ruin your day.

It should be an easy choice. Deal with her NOW. You have given her the opportunity to change her attitude and she isn't prepared to. So she's out. Any fall-out from your DP's family should be on her and I'd make that very clear.

Happynow001 · 01/05/2019 19:09

OP there are going to be differences of opinion between you and your (then) husband over the coming years. Be careful that you are not always going to be the person doing the compromising.

usernamerisnotavailable · 01/05/2019 19:10

I think part of the issue is that you've invited DFs family to be part of your bridal party in the first place. Unless you really are super close wouldn't you want your own Dsis and your friends? I love my three SILs to bits but wouldn't have dreamed of asking them as I have my 2 DSis and my own friends. No one was offended. They would have found it weird tbh. We had the most amazing morning together getting ready with DM as everyone was so happy to be there and happy for me and DH.

Sorry not helpful I know. Am just contemplating. Asking people to be part of bridal party for political reasons rarely seems to turn out well according to Mumsnet.

MulticolourMophead · 01/05/2019 19:34

OP there are going to be differences of opinion between you and your (then) husband over the coming years. Be careful that you are not always going to be the person doing the compromising.

Agree. OP, you need another talk with your DH2B. He needs to understand it's your back he has now, not his sulky sister's. She needs to be told she behaves, or she's out. Because saying she can't promise to behave is her saying she intends to try and get the attention on her.

Your OH needs to understand that if your wedding day is ruined when it could have been avoided, that you will come to resent him for not backing you up.

7yo7yo · 01/05/2019 22:01

I’d still sack her.
She will ruin your day.
Or I’d make damn sure I was there at the meeting and tell her she wasn’t welcome if she showed no signs of remorse and maturity.
Sign of things to come with a spineless partner I’m afraid. This is what you will have to contend with all your married life.

Hanab · 01/05/2019 22:05

Honest q - why does she HAVE to be a bridesmaid? You have 1 sister and he can have 1 sister as a bridesmaid ... she can be his bestwoman if he has an issue 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just been on my mind since this thread started .. sorry OP hope your stbH gets on yourside and tells her to back off 🌷

Ellie56 · 01/05/2019 22:05

I have to admit it's a bit worrying your DP is not backing you 100%.

What do you think he would say if you said there wouldn't be a wedding at all if she comes?

Graphista · 01/05/2019 22:15

Honestly?

At this point you ALSO need to be firm with your fiancé that you expect him to back you up and not tolerate her crap any more than you or your sister would.

Make an agreement to speak to her together TELLING her not asking TELLING her either she behaves a damn sight better than she has been, treats people civilly and with respect and isn't rude or foul faced or else she won't be welcome at the wedding at all and I would actually include telling her she will be removed if necessary.

I attended a wedding where there was a situation like this and it ended in a near riot! Because once drink was flowing the people the rude person had been winding ups inhibitions were down and they told her exactly what they thought of her! As a result she slapped someone and it escalated from there.

This needs nipped in the bud NOW (actually it should have been dealt with the very first time she was rude, I'd have disinvited her from the hen and made it clear I wouldn't hesitate in disinviting her from the wedding too).

Enough's enough, clear decisive action needs to be taken.

SandAndSea · 01/05/2019 22:16

Could she be a groomswoman instead?

Graphista · 01/05/2019 22:17

The drama within the family if she doesn't attend will be less than if she offends people at the actual wedding and others witness and possibly step in to deal with her, possibly fuelled by drink and heightened emotion.

nicenewdusters · 01/05/2019 23:36

Your DP is thinking of the potential fall out from this. But it's not a matter of opinion, you have cold hard facts staring you in the face.
You've witnessed her behaviour.
She's told you she can't guarantee to act appropriately and like an adult.
You know she's enabled by her mum, sister and now possibly your DP.
You know this is a pattern in her behaviour.

You have to tell the truth, to her and her family. Tell her what you have decided. Then let it play out. So if you decide she can't attend at all then whatever arise from that is what must happen. The decisions you make now will affect how she acts for the rest of your married life. It will also show your mil and the other sister what you are prepared to tolerate.

More importantly it will show your DP what you expect of others and of him. Your feelings matter as much as his sisters. On your wedding day they matter more.

Honeyroar · 01/05/2019 23:43

See what her apology comes across like. If she is genuinely humble and prepared to make an effort fine, if it sounds remotely huffy I'd stuff what your oh thinks and tell her no.

nannybeach · 02/05/2019 13:10

Dollypartonsbeard, yes, I know, I was just wondering if there could be an explanation for this behavior, which meant she wasnt just completely nasty. Believe me, I HAVE been there, got the T-shirt,sweatshirt, and long service medal!!

Hutchismo · 02/05/2019 13:27

If you can't face sacking her, turn it into a fun feature of the wedding and have a laugh at her when she's wandering around with a face like a smacked arse. Everyone has odd relatives who can't behave themselves properly.

Drama lovers like this only thrive on causing upset and disruption. If you find a mindset where you don't let it get to you, in fact find a way to find it amusing and mildly entertaining then you will have a great day, and her adolescent stropping will wither on the vine.

In short, frustrate her intent by not engaging with her tantrums, have a brilliant wedding, use your energy on the guests who have come to help you enjoy it.

ChuckleBuckles · 02/05/2019 14:37

I think my DP is worried about having to deal with them and the drama it will cause if we tell her she's un invited

Get use to this attitude OP it will be a feature of your married life together.

I think my DP is worried about having to deal with them and the drama it will cause if we tell her

  • she's un invited
  • about our baby
  • about our moving house
  • about how we are celebrating Christmas
  • about how she cannot come on our family holiday.
and lather, rinse, repeat forever more if he continues with this attitude.

Why is she more important than your (both of you) wedding day going smoothly?

Jaxhog · 02/05/2019 15:18

I think my DP is worried about having to deal with them and the drama it will cause if we tell her she's un invited!

So he'll leave you to deal with the drama on the day? Nice!

I would sack her now. She has already disrupted your fitting and hen night. That would be enough for me. Don't let her spoli your actual wedding day.

nicenewdusters · 02/05/2019 19:32

Chuckle has it spot on. What happens when your sister is at future family occasions and DP's sister also attends? You've had a snapshot of the future, you have a chance to alter it.

Graphista · 02/05/2019 20:38

Chuckle is right - which is exactly why you need to deal with her firmly now

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