Bridesmaid issues! 6 weeks to go!!

[Lozzy25]

I'm having a massive bridesmaid problem and I don't know what to do!

I have 3 adult bridesmaids, my sister and my DP 2 sisters. One of my DP sisters (26) is acting a bit odd and I think unfair! I have paid for their dresses and about a month ago all 3 of them came round to my parents house where the dresses are being kept to try dresses on to make sure they fitted okay. My sister and DP other sister were happily trying them on and trying different ways to wear them etc but the other sister didn't speak to anyone the whole time, she sat in the other room and refused to participate! She made rude comments and snapped at my sister a couple of times! After a while she said 'get this dress off me I'm going home'

She then came round a week later to our house and told me how she dislikes my sister and has been making snide comments ever since. I had my hen do at the weekend and yet again DP sister sat there the whole day and didn't say a word, was rude to my mum who had spent hours planning my hen do and always makes sure everyone is okay. DP sister also complained about the food, drink, hotel and how she wouldn't be staying there again! She didn't even speak to me the whole day and yet again snapped at my sister who then ended up in tears.

The problem is I'm supposed to be getting ready with them on the morning of my wedding! Along with my mum and my DP mum but I'm not sure I want DP sister there with me now I'm so worried she will upset my family or me and make everyone feel uncomfortable!

Should I still have her there in the morning or should I not? I will feel bad having to tell her she's not welcome anymore. We were quite close before all this so I don't know what's happened! I don't know what to do, I'm so nervous.

She "stormed out of the house" when trying on dresses... good Lord, OP. You don't need this infantile drama. DP ought to tell her to jog on.

@Lozzy25 She’s behaving like a spoiled 6 year old so you need to start treating her as one. She has two choices; start behaving like a grown up, remember this is not HER day and be civil to everybody OR she doesn’t get to come to the wedding. Her choice and no more discussion.

My FIL behaved atrociously in the run up to our wedding and he was a scary man. Eventually even I had enough and in a no-nonsense manner I said “Right, you have two choices; you come, wear the same suit as the rest of the wedding party and behave with civility OR you stay at home and sulk. Your choice.” He came and behaved.

People get away with behaviour like this because they are allowed to by nice family members scared of causing a rift. However, if a toddler or 6 year old did this, you wouldn’t give in though, would you.

Give her an ultimatum. If she has a tantrum and causes a rift, she will have done it, NOT you. Her choice entirely.

Oh, dear, I really feel for you.what is it about weddings the brings out the worst in some people. I also would like to know how old tis woman is, does she have mental ealth problems, did she actually want to be a bridesmaid. I would let her go. Rich coming from ME, I had "wedding issues", we actually changed our weding plans to suit MIL, not once but three times, looking back I wish I had had the guts to stand up and say "this is MY wedding", neddless to say, she started the same lark when my DS got married, (he was from my first marriage, and she hadnt even seen him since, MY wedding) so then cut off all ties with her, and a lot of other family members, (there were other issues, this was just the one that broke the camels back!)

Your bridesmaids are supposed to be 100% supporting you on your day, not causing you bloody grief!

Sack her, or get your DP to do it, since it's his sister.

She said she can't guarantee to act like an adult so I would say something like, "I respect your honesty in stating that you aren't sure if you can at least act happy on the day and I don't want either of us to be unhappy about that. Lets have you participate through a reading or something else in the ceremony and step down as a bridesmaid so you won't feel forced to participate with XXXX(DS)."

I agree this woman needs to be relieved of BM duties as the chance of her acting up and spoiling the day is too great.

If you dismiss her OP, how is her other sister likely to react? Will the problem sister force the nice one to withdraw from being a BM too? If she can't stand up to her this could happen.

Having DPs family together (MIL, both sisters) when you have the chat is definitely the best idea so that everyone knows what is happening and why and doesn't hear anything second hand. You can then get the other sister to confirm she's still ok to continue in the circumstances.

Good luck sorting everything out!

Asking her to get ready elsewhere is not a good idea - it will only add fuel to the fire as she'll be singled out from the bridal party and she'll likely act up for the rest of the day. You just need to tell her that she is no longer required as a bridesmaid. Don't even bother going into detail as to why. If she can't figure out why then she's as thick as shit. She's a spoilt little bitch and needs to be called out on her behaviour. Going forward keepnyur distance. Do not under any circumstances pander to the likes of her. You are marrying your partner not his family, so don't ever feel that you have to put up with this type of shit from any of them just for his sake. We don't talk to Dh's sister. No loss!

Since your DP is on board then sacking her is the way forward, I think.
I agree with this part but think you should both do it together (not just your DP) to present a united front. He can also field off any of his family who complain to him/you. If she decides, herself, not to come to the wedding that's her decision. Or maybe your DP could uninvite her from the wedding - though he probably won't. However she sounds vindictive enough to try and spoil your day even as a guest.

I hope you/you DP manage to resolve this OP and that you have a lovely day. 🌹

You have asked her to guarantee good behaviour on the day and she has refused, so continuing to be a bridesmaid is no longer an option.

I would have one more meet up, to the dresses or hairstyles, or something, and if she remotely starts kicking off (or sulking or refusing to join in) I'd tell her that you really wanted her as bridesmaid, had spent money on the dress etc for her, but it's clearly not working, she's clearly not happy and its spoiling the run up to the wedding. I'd say enough is enough, you think it's better if she steps down now.

Your big day, not hers. Tell her she's so obviously unhappy about being a BM that she no longer needs to do it.

Let her take the drama elsewhere and take her out of the equation. Do not reward or ignore her behaviour..... just because her family enable her doesn't mean you have to.

Honestly, there will be repercussions whatever you do, do you might as well remove her from the wedding party and have a lovely day. I would give her the option to be a guest and not spoil the day, or not come. You & DP must be prepared to challenge her if she does spoil it though. I wouldn't have her as a BM or getting ready with you.

By not standing up to her, you will face similar throughout your married life, people will expect you not to rock the boat, to just suck up her behaviour. You might as well start your marriage not taking any of her nonsense and you might find that you don't get any more of it once she's realised you won't stand for it (a bit like kids who misbehave where they can get away with it and don't when they know they can't).

You are likely to find that people won't like you rocking the boat as it makes it obvious they're stuffing their heads in the sand. But I would ride it out, your DP seems supportive too.

When we spoke about it she didn't apologise about the way she acted and she also said she couldn't be sure she wouldn't act inappropriately on the morning of the wedding

Well dear if you cannot manage your emotions or control your own behaviour on YOUR BROTHER'S WEDDING DAY may I suggest you give the whole day a miss? After all, it's not about you, it's about your brother. Why don't you get some counselling, as you are clearly not coping?

FFS OP. Good luck. I would get rid - massive disrespect & you don't need a selfish loose cannon ruining the day for everyone else.

nannybeach
does she have mental health problems,

Being rude and unpleasant doesn't mean someone is mentally unwell. Some people are just horrid.

Honestly I think you need to speak to the family with DP without her there and tell them you don't want to cause a rift but her behaviour is unacceptable. Let them deal with her. If they can't, cause the rift and sack the petulant little child. You need to show that you and DP are United, and that you are trying bot to cause trouble before going nuclear so they can't say there wasn't ample warning. I feel for you I really do this sounds like a nightmare.

@Lozzy25
Is your DS incredibly pretty?

If it was me I’d get my DP to speak to her privately. Get him to take her out for a drink one on one and find out what the issue is. Get him to give her the option not to take part and let her wear what she wants and not be a bridesmaid. I’d wait and see what he says. I don’t think this is something you can resolve and it’s not something you should be worrying about. Just stop contacting her. Put it over to your DP. Don’t let her ruin your day. She’s clearly attention seeking because the day isn’t about her

Do you think she's hoping you'll get rid of your sister instead?

She wants to make it all about herrrrrr! So she is causing drama. I'd get your DP to sit down with his mum, and his 2 sisters and lay it all out. Say he's embarrassed she's behaving like this. Say he's worried she's going to ruin things after what she said. Ask her if she's going to behave or not. If she throws a dramatic wobbly in front of the rest of the family then he can bin her as BM there and then. And warn his mother and sister not to make a fuss because he won't stand for it. I have a narc for a SIL-we spent years making attempts to placate, to argue etc. If we'd just called her out in front of PIL and put down a firm boundary a lot of unpleasantness might have been avoided. In trying to keep the peace we just gave her room to be a bitch.

Oh dear. You've made a lovely gesture by asking her to be bridesmaid and she's acting like a prick. It must be very embarrassing to witness a grown adult behaving like that.

She surely can't be bridesmaid, or even attend the wedding, if she's going to be argumentative and rude to everyone?

My sister was a bit of a prima donna, God love her, and loved to be centre of attention, usually by her absence (if that makes sense).

She was doing the flowers and the cake for my wedding but dropped it into the conversation that she would deliver them to the venue in the morning and then be off and not attend because "you know me, I don't like weddings"

For once I bit back and I made it quite clear that it wasn't about what she liked. It was my wedding and I would like my whole family there. She wan't used to being stood up to but she backed down, attended and said it was one of the best days of her life .

I would gather all your ILs-to-be together (with you and your DP) and say, unless you can guarantee that she will behave on the day - because it's not about her then you will need them to get ready at their own house and, if hair and make up was being paid for, they would have to organise it themselves. Maybe reiterate that if she hadn't been rude in the first place, your own sister wouldn't have had to "talk back".

at your sister StCharlotte

OP, you absolutely can’t have her as a bridesmaid. And giving her 3 options and asking her to promise she won’t play up gives her all the power. She’s already told you she can’t promise she won’t - that’s all the information you need. Why put yourselves and your sister in the position of being on alert for her acting up and spoiling things? You need to be relaxed and secure that everyone in the bridal party has good intentions for your day.

If she’s demoted to just being a guest, there’s less she can do to disrupt and there’s more chance others will notice. I think your DP or both of you should speak to his sister, sack her, and then tell her in front of the other sister and mother that if there’s any more shit she’ll be uninvited. And make sure he/you quote back what she said to you about not promising she won’t play up.

She definitely needs to be sacked as BM, and possibly even as a guest.

She most definitely WILL ruin your wedding if she is there. She's a spoilt brat who is acting up as she is not the centre of attention.

Honestly, the moment she stormed out after the dress fitting, I'd have texted her to tell her that she was relieved of bridesmaid duties and her dress was being reassigned to someone else.

Your wedding is one of the most memorable and important days of your life.
The 'run up' to the big day should be exciting and full of anticipation. Not spent worrying about some sulky madam who can't promise to behave.
Obviously all this wedding stuff seems to be making her unhappy so relieve her of her duties.. and enjoy the build up..

Her telling you she cannot guarantee her behaviour and you NOT pulling her up on this means you are effectively giving her permission to do as she wants at YOUR wedding. You may be prepared to overlook it and so will her sister but what about YOUR sister, and your Mother? Is is OK that she will be rude and sulky and ignore them on the morning of the wedding?

I understand that you don't want to go into your marriage with any bad feelings but honestly what will change? You let SIL play spoiled brat and make you anxious for your wedding day and then as a thank you she will miraculously morf into a loving, caring fun loving person and becomes BFF with your sister. Not a chance. Your SIL will cause drama where there is none, will take offence where none is ntended and will sulk, cry, ignore or be rude to guests at most of your future family events. And yiu know it. At least try to keep your wedding drama free. Your fiancee is on board, the the poster above made a great suggestion that you sack her off together and enjoy your day.

Good luck OP.