Bridesmaid issues! 6 weeks to go!!

[Lozzy25]

I'm having a massive bridesmaid problem and I don't know what to do!

I have 3 adult bridesmaids, my sister and my DP 2 sisters. One of my DP sisters (26) is acting a bit odd and I think unfair! I have paid for their dresses and about a month ago all 3 of them came round to my parents house where the dresses are being kept to try dresses on to make sure they fitted okay. My sister and DP other sister were happily trying them on and trying different ways to wear them etc but the other sister didn't speak to anyone the whole time, she sat in the other room and refused to participate! She made rude comments and snapped at my sister a couple of times! After a while she said 'get this dress off me I'm going home'

She then came round a week later to our house and told me how she dislikes my sister and has been making snide comments ever since. I had my hen do at the weekend and yet again DP sister sat there the whole day and didn't say a word, was rude to my mum who had spent hours planning my hen do and always makes sure everyone is okay. DP sister also complained about the food, drink, hotel and how she wouldn't be staying there again! She didn't even speak to me the whole day and yet again snapped at my sister who then ended up in tears.

The problem is I'm supposed to be getting ready with them on the morning of my wedding! Along with my mum and my DP mum but I'm not sure I want DP sister there with me now I'm so worried she will upset my family or me and make everyone feel uncomfortable!

Should I still have her there in the morning or should I not? I will feel bad having to tell her she's not welcome anymore. We were quite close before all this so I don't know what's happened! I don't know what to do, I'm so nervous.

I'd just say "You don't seem to be enjoying the role, so let's just forget about you being a bridesmaid. Don't worry about the money I've spent on the dress etc- I'd far rather have a morning getting ready where everybody is happy and relaxed."

Then DO NOT BUDGE.

So why exactly does she not like your sister. I mean for her to cause such a scene about it all the time either there's a reason or she's just an attention seeking weirdo, if it's the latter she would not be allowed to attend my wedding, never mind be my bridesmaid.

My goodness. I feel for you so much OP. She sounds totally self absorbed. I have no advice, mainly because I think you're so brave to have met it head on already. I can sympathise as I'm getting married in 5 days and my partners sister is a bridesmaid and has had me in tears this weekend. Try to focus on your wedding and not let people overshadow it for you xx good luck

Has she explained why she doesn't like your sister? Out of respect for others, .normal people just get on with it, even in quite minor situations, when in the company of someone they dislike, without turning it into a bitchfest. I know out of respect for the others involved I've behaved like a saint in the presence of people who have really fucked me over - it's not the third party's problem.

Talk to her..
Tell her one day you will have a wedding, just think how you are going to feel if one of your bridesmaids acts up.
Tell her you asked her as you really wanted her as part of your wedding, you were so looking forward to a happy day,
Ask her to please think twice about if she really wants too show herself up at this event and have everyone mocking her for the next decade, and waiting at her wedding for her to kick off ..

Oh goodness, I'm so sorry that her behaviour is dampening what should be a wonderful and exciting time for you and your partner.

Have you tried pulling her aside and speaking to her? Perhaps that may be best to try and understand what is going on in her mind? Maybe she herself does not want to be a part of the wedding and is wanting out. You mentioned you were close before, in that case I would talk to her calmly and rationally to try and understand what is going on and then make a decision.

If her attitude does not change, it would not be unreasonable to tell her it would be better if she attended as a guest only as she clearly does not seem to be happy as a bridesmaid.

Furthermore, speak to your partner also and let him know what is going on. Perhaps he can get an insight into what is happening with his side of the family.

I hope it all works out for you. I wish you have a beautiful wedding and a lifetime of happiness with your soon to be husband.

Inwould stand her down as bm now. You already know she has no intention of behaving on the day, so what else do you do? Why give her the chance?

I can see that one of your concerns is a rift in the family. As your DP is on side with you, I'd be inclined to speak to his sister along with the other sister and your MIL. Get your DP to ask her straight up if she still stands by what she said about not being able to guarantee suitable behaviour on the morning of the wedding.

If she stands by this, then he tells her there and then that she won't be being a bridesmaid. Furthermore, if she doesn't think she can come and enjoy the wedding as his sister then maybe it's best she doesn't come at all.

This way you are not the focus, it is a brother talking to a sister. Also her mum and sister are there so cannot say later that anything other than this occurred.

I really feel for you, her behaviour is disgraceful.

I am at a 26 year old woman behaving like this. Who the hell does she think she is?

I wouldn't be putting up with this appalling behaviour. Just get your DP to sack her and uninvite her from the whole wedding.

I know it's easy to say these things when you don't actually have to execute them but I feel that you should consider sacking her as BM and telling her that unless she grows the f**k up and reels her neck in then she isn't welcome at the wedding at all. In fact, better still get your DP to tell her.
How old is she? 12?

It ended up about 3 weeks to go my husband asked her outright if she would promise not to ruin my day - she couldn't so he told her she was no longer required as a bridesmaid!

she also said she couldn't be sure she wouldn't act inappropriately on the morning of the wedding

Jesus wept. Some people are just pathetic. I would tell her not to come, and tell everybody who asked exactly why.

I agree with all the PPs and the 3 options ideas, except I think the conversation with her either needs to be done by your DHTB or (at the very least) with him in the room.
This is so she understands that you and he are a team and in agreement on this and so she can't blame just you (if she is relieved of her BM duties) and cause a rift.

And, congrats, and hope your day goes well.

I'm so sorry, your poor sister. Good on you for calling her out on this. Sack her and if possible do it face to face with your partner there to back you up. She's only interested in being a bridesmaid to get attention and cause trouble. She's not in it for the right reasons.

*Merryoldgoat

You say to her:

‘This day is not about you, it’s about me and YOUR BROTHER. Either you put on a happy face, make nice and act like a decent human being, or you pretend to be ill and don’t come. What you will not do is ruin my day and if you start I will have no qualms about making you leave. I asked you to. E bridesmaid to be kind and include you but I don’t give a shit. Have a think, make a decision but I’m not putting up with your crap any more.’

Say it and mean it.*

^This is perfect, I would do this OP. If you can’t cope doing it face to face then even sent as a message/email would work.

She's behaving like a child. She's twenty-six!

She sounds like an accident waiting to happen..... on your wedding day... you don't need this. Ask her to step down, she sounds stressed by the whole thing, so may appreciate being let off.

My sister did this to me. She had an issue with dh’s sister. They were 2 of my 4 bridesmaids. She ruined my hen. Had a face like a slapped arse the day of the wedding. Insisted that she was sitting beside me for the meal. I’d rather have sat outside then next to her and we’re still not talking 2 years later. It’s apparently all my fault. This is after she asked me to be her bridesmaid 11 years ago. I said yes and she bought a dress for her sil instead and Brought me with her to choose it and I never opened my mouth to complain because it was her choice.

Op get rid of her now. Don’t let her do this to you

What is wrong with some people? Didn’t anyone tell her the wedding isn’t about her? Or that it is extremely bad manners to sit and sulk on a social occasion? Or that it is the height of rudeness to complain about something someone else has paid for, when it’s their special occasion? Who the hell brought this woman up?

Can't help thinking you should get a print out of someone who ruined a wedding, that ended up in the news paper or blew up with on facebook.
Ask her how she intends acting on your wedding day, ask her if she is looking forward to this being her, remind her nothing ever goes away on the internet, and people can have it posted in Facebook less than a min after she acts up...
Ask her if she really wants to be that person.

Thank you for everyone's comments and ideas! They are really helpful and I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable in considering not having her with me on the morning of the wedding.
The reason she doesn't like my sister is because when she is rude my sister will answer her back instead of letting her talk to her like crap! It seems most people in this woman's life let her get away with treating them like crap and they seem to accept her poor actions I just try so hard to keep the peace for my DP sake! They are a bunch of very strong minded women and I'm worried they could make my life hell if I deal with this the wrong way.

So your sister is the only one who doesn't pander to her shit attitude?

You have your answers. She's a little attention seeker who will try to make you and your groom's her day. I would give her the options and both you and dh refuse to pander to her or her mum and sister. I would speak to mum and sister too, before perhaps, to make it clear what you are doing as i suspect she will go crying to them, stirring drama.

I think letting DP deal with it and asking her to do some other job on the day is the way least likely to cause a massive rift.

And you and dh talk to them together so there's no more stirring by her.

Missing the point here but how many ways can you try on a dress?!

Your DP’s sister is behaving like a brat! I’d go round there and have it out with her -take your DP too. Find out the problem.

Yes I think I will definitely get DP to say it or at least be there with me! He has already said he would tell her himself as that will cause the least drama
How do people deal with family rifts? Does anyone here not speak to their in laws because of family issues/arguments? This is not something I'm use to, I come from a family who always get along and my DP is very close to my parents and sister so it's all very strange to me! We also live 5 mins away from his sister and 20 mins away from his mum and other sister.