Smacking and bruises

[Rivieraqueen]

Regular poster but I've NC'd for this.

One of my sisters has recently had a baby, I currently don't have any but most of my friends do and I spend a lot of time with them and adore them. I can't ever imagine smacking them (I appreciate I'm lucky that I get to go home and leave them to deal with the tantrums etc).

It is only now as an adult, seeing lots of people around me with their children, that I look back at my own childhood and question whether the smacking my step father used to do was a step too far. I remember regularly having hand mark purple and blue bruises on my legs. This happened frequently until I was around 15. My mum used to do this too but not to the same extent. I was quite a hyperactive kid who I suppose you would describe as being 'into everything'. I'm sure I was at times hard work for my parents.

As a kid when it used to happen, I always just thought it was normal that most children must have also been smacked like this (maybe I have a bit of Stockholm syndrome and have defended them). I do beat myself up about it still, that I was a naughty child and that it was deserved punishment.

What are your thoughts on smacking? AIBU now as an adult, to question the actions of my parents and be quite angry with them?

I hold secret feelings of resentment / anger towards my parents for hitting me as a child, this went on until I left school. I was the "problem" child, reality was i was spirited not naughty, my siblings blamed me for everything and were believed by my Dps. I seemed to be constantly punished, I can remember being dragged out of bed and down stairs by my hair by my Df, then slapped repeatedly across the face whilst my father sat on me, I was laying on my back on the floor, my DM sat watching. My df has now passed, my DM is alive, I spend a lot of time with her, she always wants to hug me and tbh I stiffen at her touch, she always says I don't like hugging which is untrue, it feels alien to be hugged by her. Don't get me wrong, had a relatively happy childhood, cheap caravan holidays, treats etc but always felt like the whole family needed a scapegoat and I was it. Funnily enough, 40yrs on guess who the all lean on for support? Anyhoo, I have never raised my hand to my own DD in anger

It does sound too far to be honest. 20, 30 years ago it was normal to smack a child (before that it was normal to hit them with a belt!) but it shouldn't have left a mark. That's not a 'smack', it's beating.

Whilst people that say being smacked didn't do me harm and taught me respect, there are plenty of ways to teach respect that don't involve or even need to involve physical discipline. It didn't teach respect, but fear of consequences.

I will never smack children and will never understand why people still do it. I wouldn't even smack a dog.

In regards to your last question, I guess it depends how old you are and if you have been emotionally scarred by this. I wouldn't get angry with them at this point because people just didn't know better once upon a time. But it might benefit you to talk to somebody about it.

If you have your own children and they are ever around these people, I would watch their behaviour to safeguard our own children and make sure the same thing never happens.

I do beat myself up about it still, that I was a naughty child and that it was deserved punishment.

This is what is damaging about smacking. It damages kids up emotionally. It doesn't teach communication, empathy, respect, or any of the qualities we want our children to learn. It teaches fear, self negativity, and violence. If a child thinks they are a bad child that needs punishing, why would they suddenly decide they were good? It tears down character at a young age.

Pinotjo I winced just reading that. What a terrible thing to go through.

Forgot to add my point, they don't define you or me, let it go, life's too short but don't repeat their mistakes

Agree with other posters - it was normal to be smacked a generation ago, but not hard enough to frequently leave serious bruising

I think I might have been smacked a couple of times when I was younger but nothing like what you describe. I don't smack my kids. My DP used to get pretty much battered when he was younger and said he got blamed for a lot of things his siblings did. One of my ex partners described the same, being hit with books, belts etc. They were, and still are very close to their parents. I guess their parents must have thought this was the norm (probably happened to them as children, infact I know it would have for my DPS parents, especially his dad). I think my dad would have also been physically punished when he was a child but he was never one to smack me, not sure about my brother but if I can't remember it happening I doubt it would have.

It sounds like you were not smacked, you were beaten.

Slicedpineapple thanks for the reply, posting that story was actually liberating, iv never told anyone xx

I too was smacked as a child, mainly by my mum as I lived with her and she had more of a temper. I don't remember specific incidents but I do remember being smacked - hard - by my dad once and I made sure I never did whatever it was I'd done again! It didn't do me any harm as such, but it did make me damn sure I would NEVER smack my children. The last thing I would ever want is for them to ever be scared of me. Sounds like your step dad went too far especially if it was for fairly trivial things that most kids would do

I don't agree that smacking was normal 20 or 30 years ago. My children are now in their mid-20s and were never smacked. None of my friends & family with children the same age ever smacked. I am a child of the 60s & 70s and was also never smacked.

I'm sorry you were treated that way, OP. It was very wrong

I was regularly hit to the point of bruises- like multiple times a day by my mother. I haven’t spoken to her in 7 years. I’m still very much traumatised by it and it did me a lot of harm. I will never do that to my DS and think that if you have to hit a small defensless child to get your point across your shit parent and a garbage person.

Pinotjo well done for sharing- I imagine it was hard to type out and a big weight off your shoulders in saying it for the first time.

Drama you may not have been smacked in the 60s/70s but it'stotally wrong to suggest that it wasn't totally normal /accepted then. I grew up in the 70s and every child I knew was smacked on occasion. It was so mainstream it featured as normal life in children's comics.

Pinotjo - sorry to hear you went through similar things. I remember being sat on too. Apparently to 'keep me under control'. As if I was a psychiatric patient or something! It's awful isn't it and very hard to forgive them. I am also the one who is now relied upon as the go to person as they know I will gladly do it. Sending you a big hug x

I was regularly smacked with an open hand or slipper on the backs of my thighs as a kid. We all were in our house. It only ever left a red mark no bruises. Only mother was allowed to hit is, dad never was.
Sounds like you were beaten not smacked.
I never smack my kids, but to me as a child it was normal and not particularly bothersome.

You could dismiss mild smacking in the previous generation to a degree, because it was not yet understood to be abuse. I kind of equate it to our grandparents being told it was healthy to start smoking. When you know better you do better so we don’t do those things anymore.

Leaving bruises is not smacking. Leaving bruises is abuse. Leaving bruises makes you a bad parent, regardless of what messages society might have given at the time about the appropriateness of violence against children.

I'm an 80s child and I was smacked very regularly, as were my siblings. We all have the same memory of being sat together on the sofa whilst our DM slapped us all around the heads, repeatedly, slapping at any part of our bodies that she could get to. We were often left with red hand marks across thighs and arms.

I realised I had post-natal depression when I slapped my 4 month old on the leg when she was wriggling. I cannot describe the look on her face, I still feel physically sick when I remember it. That's when I sought help. I knew I was depressed and on the verge of becoming someone I'd hate.

It was very commonplace amongst my peer group to be hit by your parents as punishment. It says everything about the person smacking IMO.

20, 30 years ago it was normal to smack a child

I'm not sure this is true. I'm 55 now, so a child in the 60's/70's, and neither I nor my siblings were ever smacked.

Beaten black and blue by my mother with any implement she could lay her hands on. Sweeping brushes, her hands, fists, kicks, hair brushes, the fire poker, plastic piping for a Wendy house, the handle of the swat, the list goes on and on and on. Never a day passed without a beating.
I am all manner of fucked up now yet my siblings appear unscathed. I loathe my mother and am angry with my father for not stopping it. Our neighbours knew, my Dad knew, my school-teacher knew, my grandparents knew, aunts knew but nobody did anything.

It was a tortuous life and I still get the shivers if anyone walks behind me as my mother used to just hit me across the head any time she saw me basically.
I'm now an alcoholic and guess who SS gave my dd to? My mother.

I tried every single thing to stop it, but my brother is now a very senior consultant and he told SS that there was never anything bad.

The anger and rage consumes me sometimes and I attempt suicide. I was not a bold child. But I was destroyed. I wish she would die a very slow and painful miserable death. And I would stand and watch.
I've had counselling, but you can't change the past and I can't change what's happening now. I feel utterly powerless.

I was slapped on the back of the legs as a child, but so infrequently I remember each occasion. And they never left a mark. This was in the 1980s, so of its time. I think leaving bruises pushes it over the edge into abusive, to be honest, even in the 70s and 80s. I’m sorry, OP.

My daughter is 48 (yes I'm the that old) and I only remember raising my hand to her once. She remembers it too.

Hitting to the point of leaving marks is way over the top. I'm so sorry you went through it that.

I'm in awe that you can still care for your parent.

You are a strong person, good luck

That’s horrendous. I was smacked but not beaten but adamant I wouldn’t smack mine. It is choosing To inflict pain on a person smaller than you at best and at worst losing control and hitting without restraint at its worst. Awful. But I’ve been tempted as I’m sure many of us have been. Especially when I’ve been hit by them. Gritted teeth required then.

I remember one incident in the bath and I had bad bruising on my arms. My mother asked me - Where did you get those bruises? Sensing it might have been a trick question I tentatively said 'You did it'. I then got my head slammed against the wall several times until I repeatedly said, 'I don't know how I got them'. That was just a typical day really. A lot of the beatings were to the body and head, never the face. Everybody knew, you could hear the screams for miles. We lived rurally. But not one person did one thing to save me. Cunts.

Some terrible things being described here

I (now early 50s) was one of the 'normally' smacked, ie pink skin for a bit, no bruising. Neither my sibling or I have any traumas or resentment over this. But it's very very different to some of the situations being described here.

I was smacked on two occasions. Both of them were where I had put my life in danger I.e. dangling legs out of a second floor window.

It worked.

I was hyperactive and into everything. Full energy from morning till late night. I was never smacked for being hyper. That would be unnecessary and totally wouldn't have worked.

Agree with PP that it sounds like you were beaten rather than smacked. A snack leaves a red hand print and a stinging sensation. It shouldn't be black and blue 😱

I would never smack my child. I dont see the need for it. There are other ways.