Smacking and bruises

[Rivieraqueen]

Regular poster but I've NC'd for this.

One of my sisters has recently had a baby, I currently don't have any but most of my friends do and I spend a lot of time with them and adore them. I can't ever imagine smacking them (I appreciate I'm lucky that I get to go home and leave them to deal with the tantrums etc).

It is only now as an adult, seeing lots of people around me with their children, that I look back at my own childhood and question whether the smacking my step father used to do was a step too far. I remember regularly having hand mark purple and blue bruises on my legs. This happened frequently until I was around 15. My mum used to do this too but not to the same extent. I was quite a hyperactive kid who I suppose you would describe as being 'into everything'. I'm sure I was at times hard work for my parents.

As a kid when it used to happen, I always just thought it was normal that most children must have also been smacked like this (maybe I have a bit of Stockholm syndrome and have defended them). I do beat myself up about it still, that I was a naughty child and that it was deserved punishment.

What are your thoughts on smacking? AIBU now as an adult, to question the actions of my parents and be quite angry with them?

I'm 27 with three daughters aged 9, 7 and 3. I can honestly say I've never smacked or hit ( because theres no difference) any of my kids. My mum was a single mum with four kids ( I'm the 3rd) and would get very stressed at times. I remember being dragged out of bed and had my trousers pulled down, bent over her knee and whacked with a wooden kitchen spoon. Horrendous I know. She would even draw a sad face on it to make us know it was a punishment. I might add that she did this over stupid stuff like messing around at bedtime which my kids do most nights. So as a parent my self I feel if you have to resort to violence, as a mother you've lost control of the situation and need to reflect on how you can show your child they have done wrong without physical abuse. I'm a fan of time out. Dont get me wrong things get hard, my kids know when mummy shouts, there in trouble. Much rather that then a bruise.

I'm so sad reading all these posts. How awful. I was slapped across the leg maybe once or twice and my mum always says how much she regrets ever doing it. I'm so glad smacking is now becoming scarce. Although I did see NDN kid (3yo) get smacked by his nana the other day and it made me wince.

I just don't see how it is an effective punishment. All it does is perpetuate the idea that violence is a solution to behaviour you don't like. What's to stop the child then hitting their classmates if they upset them because that's what Mummy/daddy/nana does?

Some really harrowing stories here.

I was regularly smacked up until I was about 12. I remember two distinct occasions, I received a beating when I was six, a proper over the knee bare bum and repeated hard whacks.

The second one I was whacked around the head so hard I saw stars. Probably about 10 at the time.

My mum had serious issues and couldn't control her temper. I was so scared of her and had a deep rooted hatred of her up until about 4 years ago when I told her exactly what I thought of her and how her parenting had affected me.

She apologised and was very upset, admitting her wrongdoing. So, in light of that, I chose to forgive her and we now have a pretty decent relationship.

I was beaten by an alcoholic mother. She raised us alone, had her own issues (raised by nuns as born out of wedlock in Ireland after her mum was raped by a priest) so I can empathize with her inability to not be able to regulate her emotions but can't forgive her. I have 3 (nearly 4) children and in my more stressful times have has to swallow down pure rage and violent impulses but never acted on them. Ive taught myself different ways to break the chain of integenerational abuse for my boys. It's not easy as modeling is such a strong form of learning and I've had to address, unlearn and re learn. You are right to feel angry, but use this as an opportunity to address it before you become a mother.

I remember my mum dragging me up the main road all the way home, by my hair! When I got in the house I ran upstairs to my room and she kept slapping me on my bare legs in the same place! 😫
My neighbours heard my screams (never did I cry though?) I think it was more stubbornness than anything and that no matter what she did I was stronger!
I was about 8-9 even though my neighbours heard me screaming they didn't do anything! Apart from when they seen my mum after they said "sounded like you were murdering her" my mum " no she's alive it was her been a drama queen as per-usual, I mean she got a couple of slaps she has learnt her lesson"
Tbh it never taught me anything 🤷🏻‍♀️ However when I was in my teens my mum slapped me across the face hard!
I remember looking at her with so much anger and saying " that will be the last time you ever lay your hand on me!"
That was the only time I ever seen the look of horror/ fright on my mums face as she knew I wasn't this defenceless child anymore!

I've never nor would I ever lay a hand on my children ever!
They have pushed me beyond my limits were I just have to give them the look! Then they will just waltz off and come back to apologise. (the look I'm on about means I will take your 'precious' phones away) which they know I will cause I have that is more soul destroying in these days

My poor dad only slapped me once as I stotted upstairs and slammed the door in temper. It wasn't hard but it left Terrible fingermarks which stayed for ages . Everyone treated him like a dreadful child beater, and it was only when hospital tests revealed a couple of years later ,that I had a medical problem which meant I bruised very easily ,that relatives believed him . .
He only ever slapped me that one time ,poor man , and never dared do it again

He shouldn't have hit you once.

"I don't agree that smacking was normal 20 or 30 years ago. My children are now in their mid-20s and were never smacked. None of my friends & family with children the same age ever smacked. I am a child of the 60s & 70s and was also never smacked. "

Are you serious? Smacking was completely normal in the 80s. Schools even still had corporal punishment.
I remember seeing children being smacked in the street very regularly up till about 2000 (I went abroad then for a few years so I don't know when it stopped being commonplace).
When I say smack, I don't mean very hard and leaving a mark - that would have been considered abuse when I was young.
My parents' generation were given the birch though.

@elfies ngl, kinda serves him right. He hit a child, doesn't matter if it left a mark or not, he hit a child. That's never acceptable. Like I said, my mum hit me a lot and she is my best friend and means the world to me, but it still isn't acceptable.

I can’t bear to read this thread - what terrible things to live through.

I’m 40 - it was not normal to be hit when I was little and I wasn’t.

It doesn’t work and it’s cruel.

all this is was normal to sack years ago

im a child of the 80,teenager in the 90s

not once was me or my sister smacked(shes 6 years younger)and i was a argumentative child/teenager that always had a opinion(ive always had a problem with authority and would mouth back,even in school)

we also grew up on a rough council estate and was poor

but i will say my parent did and gave us everything they could

I was adopted and was whacked by my adoptive mother regularly between the ages of about 8 and 11 or so. My adoptive father saw huge dark bruises on my backside one day and went and spoke to my adoptive mother and said it had to stop. He asked me if anyone had seen the bruises or if I had told anyone and I said no and that was that - it made me feel as though I didn't matter, what mattered was that no one knew. It was awful, the whole thing. I was difficult, overreacted to things and screamed a lot, I was demanding, into everything, forgetful, strong willed, and here is the thing - so are my dc, they are chips off the old block, and I don't whack them, ever - I love them and channel their energies into learning, sport, activities, fun, and I have techniques and strategies for handling them. So for anyone out there wondering if you deserved it - no, you did not. Your parents were in the wrong and there was no excuse to hit you!

Ah, I agree, it is very liberating saying all that!

I think when you have children of your own, or in your case OP children in your life who you love, beating a child is unfathomable. It is incomprehensible to me to look at my DC and know what I experienced at that age.

"I was quite a hyperactive kid who I suppose you would describe as being 'into everything'. I'm sure I was at times hard work for my parents." OP, the narrative you have in your head about how you were as a child has developed in a situation of abuse.

AuldJosey what an utterly shit experience of life. You are not a fuck up. The people around you have fucked up.

I was smacked regularly as a child in the 80s. Hard and sometimes with a slipper or hairbrush but not enough to leave bruises

I'm not remotely scarred by it, it never even crosses my mind until someone posts a thread on here about it. I have a great relationship with my Mum

I don't plan to smack my own kids, it's just not the done thing nowadays but I can understand why my Mum smacked me. I was a very difficult child to say the least and very badly behaved because I thought it was funny

Unfortunately it was a sign of the times, awful.
Thank god most adults realise this now, your Sdad was an animal.
We were not hit often, I remember two vicious repeated snacks both from Dad, I ran out on the road I was about 5, the 2nd when I mimicked a male dog taking a wee, I was fully dressed, just joking, I still remember the stinging pain.

You never ever ever hit children.

Me and my sister were both hit regularly by both parents. Either one would lose their temper and start lashing out in temper. My Dad was the worst and would chase us around the house. He was a big, strong bloke too. His temper was vile and he would scream, shout, call us names, throw things and smash things up. When I was in contact with her, my sister would joke about it and would tell me that I was taking it too seriously.
When I was a young teenager my mother pushed me off a chair in temper and I cut my eyebrow quite badly. I still have the scar. She was also very cold and distant most of the time.
When I was 17 my mother chased me around the house with a knife after we had an argument. My sister got between us and I remember the Dr being called because I was hysterical.
I’m not in touch with any of my biological family anymore. I just couldn’t take their behaviour and their belief that any of it was ‘normal’.

I've always thought smacking entirely normal and reasonable.

When I was a child in the 60's if I had been very naughty or very rude I got a sharp smack, proably 2/3 times a year. Can remember a red mark once or twice. Never premeditated, always deserved. I recall no fear at all.

My DC are 20s. DS got a gentle tap on the back of his hand after defrosting the freezer 3 times. He got a slap at 10 when he was exponentially rude. DD got a slap on the arm, on impulse, after hitting her bro over the head with a soft toy filled with stones. She still talks about when mummy smacked her and left a finger mark.

That was my experience of smacking and why I didn't see it as an issue.

PP's weren't smacked they were severely abused.

@Pinotjo - bloody hell :/ I'm so sorry to hear that. A grown adult sitting on a child while he beats the shit out of her? That's beyond disgusting. I hope you have a wonderful life now.

DD got a slap on the arm, on impulse, after hitting her bro over the head with a soft toy filled with stones

....but why is it ok to counter violence with violence ? It doesn't make sense.

I'm 48 and got smacked twice as far as I remember. Definitely no bruises. That'd be some smack.

No it doesn't AnyFucker but it was a quick slap; not a beating and not something she ever grew to be afraid of.

The few I got of DM usually with a slipper or hairbrush had no effect.
My parents were both beat regularly in school and home, although they continued with smacking, it was pretty normal in the 80's.
Some DC had it really horrendous, I am glad it has changed, Most of us are programmed to protect, help the abused DC, these days.

70s-80s child...Bruises..not sure. Didn't always look in mirror. Black eye from my mum once as a teen.
Pink skin for sure..hands/ fists/ occasionally hose pipe or stick (specific stick kept on. No broken skin , my mum wouldn't have tolerated that but she often told dad off for being too heavy handed. Then again she enabled him by saying it wasn't really his fault as he didn't know his own strength. I do remember him apologising to me a few times as he'd gone too far. (now 48 and relationship with him is ok but can be strained.. and I can't forget)
Mainly I was hit over/ around the head, so , no marks
People say it was the norm back then but none of my friends were ever hit. My DP and an ex got the belt though (bit older than me) My dad himself got the belt from his father as a child

Should read, specific stick that was kept up on top shelf in the airing cupboard out of reach)