Smacking and bruises

[Rivieraqueen]

Regular poster but I've NC'd for this.

One of my sisters has recently had a baby, I currently don't have any but most of my friends do and I spend a lot of time with them and adore them. I can't ever imagine smacking them (I appreciate I'm lucky that I get to go home and leave them to deal with the tantrums etc).

It is only now as an adult, seeing lots of people around me with their children, that I look back at my own childhood and question whether the smacking my step father used to do was a step too far. I remember regularly having hand mark purple and blue bruises on my legs. This happened frequently until I was around 15. My mum used to do this too but not to the same extent. I was quite a hyperactive kid who I suppose you would describe as being 'into everything'. I'm sure I was at times hard work for my parents.

As a kid when it used to happen, I always just thought it was normal that most children must have also been smacked like this (maybe I have a bit of Stockholm syndrome and have defended them). I do beat myself up about it still, that I was a naughty child and that it was deserved punishment.

What are your thoughts on smacking? AIBU now as an adult, to question the actions of my parents and be quite angry with them?

I’m 40, so a child of the 1980s. I was certainly “spanked” as they called it, quite regularly and probably more often and to an older age than my friends, but smacking per se was certainly not out of the ordinary among my social group.

My parents probably took it a bit far on occasion. As I grew older, they started slapping me across the face and my father gave me a black eye on one occasion. Vividly recall being battered by my mother with her shoe in front of my friends when she caught me doing something dangerous aged 8.

My late mother was probably the more slap-happy of the two, although I spent a lot more time with her so that may be why. My relationship with her was always very, very close until the day she died and my memories of her are overwhelmingly positive. Not so my father, but that was unrelated to any corporal punishment.

I don’t consider myself abused, but I can well understand why the OP might given what she described. Anything my parents did to me was a drop in the ocean compared to the beatings they received as kids.

I don't think that it has to leave a mark for people to upset by the memory of it. I doubt if my parents ever bruised me when they were hitting me, but I'll never forget that feeling of being powerless, completely at their mercy, and fearful of not knowing what might make it happen again. As I said, my parents never saw fit to explain their rules about what constituted a hitting offence, although they've since claimed that they only ever did it when we'd done something dangerous. But I can remember being hit over complete trivialities, and subsequently feeling like I didn't know what the rules were or how I was expected to behave. I became very meek and withdrawn because of that. All because of a few "smacks" which left no trace.

So those people who think that we should be forgiving our parents as long as they didn't break the skin or bruise us can get stuffed, frankly. Buddywoo doesn't get to tell me how I should feel about being hurt and frightened by my parents just because it was a social norm to assault one's own kids back then.

I think most of us as parents can handle things less well than we like, shout too much etc, even if we don't hit. To me the difference between abusive and non abusive that where a non abusive loving parent would be aware if they had gone over the line and tried to make sure it didn't happen again, said sorry and reconnected with the child, examined their actions and took responsibility, become aware of triggers, made sure their child knew that they were loved and not inherently bad, etc, an abusive parent would not do those things - would not take responsibility, would blame everyone else including the child, would minimise and not rectify their own behaviour, and in (I hope) the minority of cases the abuser would get a kick out of the power.

The abusive parents I know of tried to continue abuse into adulthood but it changed, it was more to do with game playing, drama, rather than hitting too hard or other extreme punishments and put downs.

I think what we do have nowadays which our parents didn't have is access to a lot of evidence based guidance about parenting and more awareness of emotional intelligence in relation to how to handle your own emotions

To the few posters on here saying that it wasn't normal even 20 or 30 years ago for children to be smacked,or even beaten,for misbehaving,you only have to look at kids' comics such as The Beano or The Dandy to realise that actually,it was! Kids in the cartoons in these comics were regularly seen getting their so called 'come uppance',often with a slipper!

DF never laid a finger on us as children (or now as adults) unless we were play fighting. If we hit him, it was fair game, but only as hard as we hit him. The one time he hit me too hard he felt so bad for weeks and actually cried. I had a red Mark on my skin for a few weeks, but that's because I mark easily from heat. No bruising.
DM on the other hand used to hit us, knock heads together, scream and shout... and then she wondered why we never had respect for her. She's mellowed as we've got older and stopped living with her (we moved in with my dad as children, and were obviously better off for it.)

I won't ever hit my children. I'll tap DS leg or hand if hes doing something he shouldn't be but only a small tap just to warn him as he ignores what I say to him. I accidentally stabbed him with my thumb nail the other day and felt terrible. DM would never have felt bad if that had been me...

"To the few posters on here saying that it wasn't normal even 20 or 30 years ago for children to be smacked,or even beaten,for misbehaving,you only have to look at kids' comics such as The Beano or The Dandy to realise that actually,it was! Kids in the cartoons in these comics were regularly seen getting their so called 'come uppance',often with a slipper! shock"

Of course and everyone knows what the expression "wait till I get you home means".
Although as I've said, quite a few smacks happened in public as well.

My mother is a thug. Now a saintly thug. And a cunt to boot.

Back at the ranch........ this thread has been cathartic.

It was scary when you had to walk over for the smack. DM used to say come over here so I can hit you, you couldn't pull away. She learnt it from the Nuns with their cane, if you pull away you got more, afterwards her DM would beat her for upsetting the Nun.

AuldJosey Good for you. I hope it brings some relief. I am sorry your DM was a thug, now cunty thug, Great description btw

Interesting reading.

Wonder if the decline in MH over the last 20 odd years is linked to people smacking less? Parents 'punishing' children mentally rather than physically?

I was born in 1972 and vividly remember being smacked as a child, though can’t remember why. I also remember attending a primary school where a slipper was used as a form of punishment. Things have definitely changed for the better.

My parents have admitted to smacking me and laugh about it. I also suspect I was locked in the shed as a problem child..I a struggling with this now and cannot forgive them anyone else the same yes it was a generational thing and the fact they laugh about it says how that generation thought little of smacking a kid disgusting

Yes, I do feel that the less abused children are more fucked up these days. Flouride I think! That or MMR.......
Do one dooobydoo.

@auldjosey @tara336 I am so sorry to hear your shocking tragic stories - makes my blood boil to think that parents could be so inhuman & cruel.
Sending love & best wishes your way and to all who have shared their stories 💚

I agree smacking was normal in the 60s and 70s when I was growing up. I don't recall it happening to me but I remember a joke about me running away too fast. I suspect my mother may have done it to my sisters - but never hard. She was a very kind and loving mother and that's what dominates my memories of my childhood. In those it was quite normal to see parents smack their kids in the street or parks when they messed around.

I have never come close to smacking my children but my XH did once and was instantly sorry. I did not approve. I felt he had lost self control.

I am very sad to read the accounts here. I feel for you all. There is no excuse for the violence of some of your experiences.

I also recall teachers hitting children - my sister had a particularly nasty teacher who had a reputation for doing it. I can't remember the name of the social media but the one where people from school classes got in touch - that showed a large number of his former students recalling his brutality. And my XH was caned at school on more than one occasion - he suspected the headmaster rather enjoyed it.

There is someone in our social circle who prided herself on never slapping her kids, back when mine certainly got the odd tap on the legs (yes in retrospect it was wrong but then it was normalised.) She was very holier than thou.

I would say this woman emotionally abused one of her daughters though; delighting in humiliating and belittling her in front of other people, practically force feeding her, socially isolating her, just really awful treatment presented as faux concern. Her daughter has grown up very messed up, seemingly unable to form friendships or relationships and is sadly not a very nice person herself. The woman was perfectly nice to her other child.

Physical abuse is horrendous but sadly there are also other ways to fuck up a child.

I don’t for one minute think that today’s kids are fucked up because they are not smacked, but maybe sometimes the mental punishments used are not appropriate. You can make someone feel worthless without hitting them.

Oh yes. My mother was/is a classic narcissist. I was a plain child and because of it not allowed to wear pink. I was a social misfit because I was quiet and a bit nerdy. I was dim because I didn't shine at anything - she told my teacher when I was about 7 that she knew I was slow because I wasn't very bright. The teacher told her I was the cleverest in the class and when she came home she said the rest of the class must be a slow year. Nobody would marry me. I was and am a frump. I had a little job in my 20s. In my 50s I shouldn't have to work. My dc are on the one hand spoilt and the other deprived. When dd got 4 A*A'Levels mother said "oh, only 4". Oh and our house is shit and we should live better.

I had everything as a child. Beautiful home, pony, clothes, fabulous holidays and everyone thought my beautiful mother was so fantastic. Less so now.

I'm 58 and I'd still like to please my mother.

@OhTheRoses - I can empathise with your post soo much. My mother always said that her reason for saying how dreadful I was at everything was so I wouldn't get bigheaded, and that she wouldn't look like a pushy mother.

When you have your own children, or someone close to you does, I think it brings up a lot of feelings about your own childhood because you start seeing things from the parent perspective. It gives you a moment to go "my parents actually did that? When I was as young and vulnerable as this little one here? Wtf is wrong with them?". You flit between wondering if you were a truly awful child or if they were just inadequate parents.

I know it's not exactly advice but just letting you know that my mind has been down a similar path and I think it's normal to have these thoughts.

MyFamily, that sounds so much like my aunt (my mum's sister in law)
She never ever hugged her children (my cousins) for fear that 'it would make them spoilt brats'

70s/80s childhood and I was regularly hit with a slipper - sometimes it left bruises. I remember once my dad holding me over the bed by my ankles and whacking away at my thighs with the slipper, which left my upper thighs covered in bruises. Like many pps, I hadn't done anything terrible - it was normally for being seen as having been 'cheeky' in some way, or not doing what I was told. Corporal punishment was in place at school, so I think my parents saw it as normal. They were very 'respectable' types and involved with the school as parent-governors, helping on school trips etc.

I was never hit at school - I was well-behaved and a hard worker.

I have a good relationship with my parents now. Memories of childhood punishments still upset me if I dwell on them, so I try to put it behind me.

I don't have children, but if I did, I'd like to think I wouldn't hit them.