Smacking and bruises

[Rivieraqueen]

Regular poster but I've NC'd for this.

One of my sisters has recently had a baby, I currently don't have any but most of my friends do and I spend a lot of time with them and adore them. I can't ever imagine smacking them (I appreciate I'm lucky that I get to go home and leave them to deal with the tantrums etc).

It is only now as an adult, seeing lots of people around me with their children, that I look back at my own childhood and question whether the smacking my step father used to do was a step too far. I remember regularly having hand mark purple and blue bruises on my legs. This happened frequently until I was around 15. My mum used to do this too but not to the same extent. I was quite a hyperactive kid who I suppose you would describe as being 'into everything'. I'm sure I was at times hard work for my parents.

As a kid when it used to happen, I always just thought it was normal that most children must have also been smacked like this (maybe I have a bit of Stockholm syndrome and have defended them). I do beat myself up about it still, that I was a naughty child and that it was deserved punishment.

What are your thoughts on smacking? AIBU now as an adult, to question the actions of my parents and be quite angry with them?

l remember one occasion when l was young (certainly under 10) my mother smacked me on the top of my arm, and l had a hand shaped dark bruise. Not a word was said at school, or anywhere else. l can't imagine that being accepted these days.

Got a few handprints on my backside, wouldn't be tolerated now but I don't feel any anger or resentment.

There are quite a few incidents that I recall vividly, but probably that saddest one for me was my tenth birthday. My parents had gone to do the shopping and me and my brother were left at home to clean the house. When they came in with the shopping, I asked my mother 'What did you get me for my birthday?' I was standing in the kitchen doorway, so she punched my left temple with her fist, hitting my right side of my head off the jam of the door on the other side - double whammy. She then kicked me up my behind and told me that I was a greedy ugly bitch. I have no idea whether I actually got anything for my birthday that year. I just can't remember. I don't remember my father doing anything, I don't remember anything, but I still remember the pain of a knuckle to the temple and your head slamming off a doorway and then being kicked. That was my life.

And people wonder why I'm an alcoholic lol.

@AuldJosey - I'm so sorry to hear of your early life and the abuse you suffered at the hands of your evil mother. It's really upset me. You are better than all of the things you've been told you are- kick alcohol to curb and live the life you deserve to lead- one where you're happy and free from the demons of the past. Lots of hugs coming your way.

Some of these stories are utterly heartbreaking.
I was smacked as a child but never like some of these stories.
That being said though I do not hit my children and it's not something that I think is acceptable.
Violence isn't accepted in society, you don't hit your parents, work colleagues, friends or partner. Hitting the vulnerable is considered to be vile such as the elderly or disabled but then some people feel like hitting our children is okay...... I don't understand it!

I feel like hitting a child to the point of bruising is abuse. I've forgiven my parents due to them apologising, admitting they should never have done it and feeling a lot of remorse. That was a wooden spoon of shoe when naughty. Nothing compared to what others encountered.

I have at times managed to kick alcohol, but my mother having my dd makes life almost impossible. I literally can't pretend she's dead (as I wish she was) because she is now a Saint in the eyes of everyone 'taking on the child while I have mental issues'. You literally couldn't make it up and nobody believes me. Who do you believe? A suicidal alcoholic or a Professor of Paediatrics? That's what I was up against.

I was beaten frequently, almost routinely as a child and unfortunately it meant that other serious childhood issues like sexual abuse were never disclosed to my parents .They routinely beat you so obviously you would never confide or think of them as a suitable confidant. Looking back we lived in horrendously deprived conditions with parents who has mental health issues so it's difficult to hold it against them but I'm confident that none of us ever beat our own children and that's the really important thing to take out of an abuse situation.

I was smacked as a 90's child. I'm 28 now and still resent my parents for it.

I'm a mum and if anyone smacked my child I'd go to the police and file an assault charge. I'm a very calm person by nature but to be honest I'd really struggle not to retaliate in the defence of my child and kick the shit out of someone who did that.

The thought of my child ever fearing me literally brings tears to my eyes. She's my everything, and she can push me towards my limits but I can't even imagine doing anything but cuddle her.

I have had to hand it all over to God. To fate. To realise that I have no control whatsoever. I have almost died so many times, I'm a bit pissed off that I'm still alive to be honest.

There is no reason to raise your hand to anyone ever. No reason.

I am so strongly against smacking it makes me sick that it's still legal. Every bastard or bitch will say it was 'just a smack'.

When I was in hospital after almost dying from a suicide attempt, my now ex was at my mother's for dinner one evening. Apparently my mother said that 'she deserved everything she got'. I was in my 30's at that point and I really questioned whether maybe I had deserved beatings, but if anything, I was a shy child rather than a precocious one.

Don't let her win @AuldJosey. You deserve to live a beautiful life.

@AuldJosey I just wanted to say I'm so very sorry I fell out with you so badly on the other thread yesterday - I obvs had no idea what you've been through in your life, but you never do know a poster's full story, and I should remember that before getting into an online scrap with people over nothing. I'm really truly sorry if I upset you or made you angry, it wasn't worth it at all and I'm ashamed.

I can't imagine what you must be going through without your child, and knowing your abuser has her now. I really really hope you can come though your addiction and have your child returned to you one day.

I don't though. Because I've failed my own daughter. So I'm hardly saintly myself either. I've left her in the hands of a vicious abusive bitch and I can't get myself together long enough to get her out of that. My father tries to talk me down, my daughter has now stopped speaking to me. It feels like my mother saw me as some sort of whipping boy. She has destroyed my childhood and stolen my dd off me. It's impossible.
My one pure thing was my dd. I tried to keep my mother away from her but she clawed and clawed and clawed and reported me to SS and everything until I finally took an overdose while dd was in bed. Then she had me and that's been it. She just wants to destroy me. She is the most evil cunt that ever God put life into. My father calls her Saddam Hussein.

I was an exemplary student and was a prefect at primary and secondary school. My mother had bamboo sticks lying around the house and would frequently whip us with it for the pettiest 'misdemeanours'. For example, making a mistake in our homework, unable to finish our dinner (some of the meals were so vile it would make me gag which angered her and she would then lash out at me with the bamboo cane).

My fingers have been dislocated trying to fend off the blows (I would be cowering in the corner and she would be raining blows onto my head and body, wherever she could reach). I wasn't always able to do PE because wearing shorts and t shirt would show the welts on my arms and legs. Close friends knew. One time I ended up in hospital cause she threw a Crucifix at me and it hit me in the eye. I was 3 at the time so thought I deserved it. She justified it by saying it was because I deserved it and because we're Chinese and the level of discipline is higher.

The last time she hit me properly in an uncontrolled manner was at 17. As an adult, in front of XH, she hit me with a frying pan but as I'm taller than her, it just hit my upper arm. I know she has problems though never diagnosed and I utterly despise her but for the sake of pleasantries, pretend to get on with her.

I really hate my mother but to get through life, put on this act like I love her and we all still jump whenever she says anything. Fortunately, she lives in another country. I know there are other children that have suffered more and I'm sorry to say but that provides me with some comfort. At least she wasn't an alcoholic and it wasn't personal as she was even worse with my brother and even hit the dog! It's funny that being a mum myself, I realise how utterly shit my parents were and resent that my dad never protected us.

Sorry OP, got carried away. So basically, absolutely not BU questioning the actions of adults and feeling negative towards it. In fact, I would say healthy. You may feel even more strongly if or when you have your own kids.

OP, I'm sorry for taking over your thread. But yes, you're absolutely ok to feel like that shouldn't have happened. I hope you rise up and beat the bastards.

qwerty just the same! I remember my mother slapping me across the face when I was a teenager, as usual, but that time me slapping her back for the first time ever...and the last time, as she never laid a finger on me again. The emotional abuse ramped up a notch then though as she still had to take it out on me somehow, I think I preferred a smack tbh

Sometimes the smacks we received left bruises. Even if they weren't visible I'd feel it for days and often feel a lump inside. I don't often bruise visibly as an adult except to do with certain medication.

But whilst I don't agree with how we were smacked as kids, I don't think that on most occasions it was more than a regular smack. I do remember just a few occasions where my mum was figuratively fuming like a dragon and did it a couple of times in a row with vigour.

My problem with it was that it was super as punishment for things which we should have had time out for, or similar, in today's climate. Where as I remember snapping when my eldest was about to do something that was going to cause her serious harm and I smacked her - I also witnessed a friend smack their daughter when she had to pull her off the road from in front of a car. It's a sort of shock reaction. And I'd do it on the hand.

I've had therapy to help me stop repeating the cycle with my kids and I've also learnt through therapeutic parenting to sort out issues and behaviour in my kids in ways which are positive and can be learnt from.

This didn't stop me reacting to my eldest opening the door as I reversed the car with "OMIGOD YOU TWAT' last week. We've laughed about it since. Sometimes reactions happen but I've learnt not to instinctively do as my parents did.

I grew up in the 70s/80s and was smacked probably til the age of 9 or 10 (but not what i think of as beaten) and grew up close to my DM esp.i have no idea whether it was "normal ". My DH grew up in the 60s/70s and he and his siblings were smacked with a slipper or hairbrush!😳 but all their family are really close.

To some of the other posters - please don't apologise. It's good to get these things out sometimes isn't it. I'm sorry you've been through so much. I've also been in some very dark places but their treatment of me has also made me very determined to be better and to also make something of my life despite how I was treated. I'm very protective of children and vulnerable people as a result, and I think that is a positive thing that came from it. It has left me with a very strong sense of justice. I had many years out of education but went back and graduated with a law degree recently. It was the biggest middle finger to the people who had treated me like this and also the people who knew it was happening and did nothing. I struggle with resenting what they did and I still defend them which is frustrating but like most things, it's a work in progress. Thank you for all the replies.

AuldJosey and everyone who suffered such abuse as children - I am so sorry, you deserved a far, far better childhood

It's sad though. You can't turn back time. And as I am now I can't stop what my mother continues to do to attempt to destroy me.
Bizarrely, apparently my mother always wanted a girl. She had a colicky boy first and then me some 3 years later. She suffered several miscarriages.

I struggle very hard to keep my mouth shut when I read about women with almost insane hatred for pregnant women when they've suffered from miscarriage/infertility. I know they are entitled to feel sad, hurt, angry, bereaved. But for me, I think it was that which made my mother into the monster that she was. And sometimes I can read that insanity in the posts of some people. It makes me sad, but I never comment. They're not my mother, but it does seem to bring out very ugly emotions in women.

@AuldJosey
Your story is heart breaking. You can do it, your daughter will come back to you when she is older.
Use it for inspiration. I am sorry your DM was a witch.

I was smacked a lot when I was younger (in the 80s), mainly just smacks but occasionally with an implement. Red marks left, no bruising though. That's far different from what you and others describe, though I'd never put that on my own dc. I wouldn't say I was overly effected by the smacking itself, but the denials my parents have made that they ever laid a finger on me has. I realised the first time they denied it that they knew it was wrong even at the time, but continued to do so and are very happy to rewrite history over things if they paint them in a bad light.