Smacking that left bruises was never normal. It’s abuse. And please don’t think you were naughty and deserved it. You were a kid being a kid, nothing more. The adults in your life betrayed you.
I was an exceptionally behaved, terrified to put a foot wrong child and I was emotionally abused and regularly hit for absolutely no reason at all. Saying “Can I have some salt please?” instead of “please may I have the salt?”, dropping something like a book by accident, wetting the bed, crying because my dad left us, “looking funny”, saying “She’s here” instead of “Aunt Maureen is here”. My mum was menopausal and took all her rage out on me especially from about age eight and nine when it was most days. I was rarely tapped or smacked on the legs or bottom in the way that I hear smacking mentioned.
I was dragged about, pushed and chased to the point where I’d be cowering in a corner or hiding under the bed and then dragged out and she’d lay into my back, stomach and head with her fists. Pounding me over and over or she’d knee me in the stomach. I’d often get red marks at the top of my arms and across my back and stomach but never bruises. I’d wish that she’d cause a visible bad injury so that maybe she’d shock herself into stopping or someone would notice and take care of me, but she never did. I’ve got a finger at a funny angle where she must have dislocated it when I put my hands up to protect myself and she kept hitting me and one day she hit me so hard over the head with one of those big plastic paddle hairbrushes that it snapped in two when it made contact with my head. For making her late for church ironically!
She was, in her own words, a “battered wife” in her first marriage and when I’d beg her to stop or tell her she was hurting me she’d tell me I had no idea what it was like to be beaten black and blue and how I didn’t know what pain was. She was very out of control and physically huge, she was a size 16/18 and fairly tall and obviously I was a little child. I did honestly think she might go too far one day.
I can remember her saying when I was about 12, “if ever a man hits you, you’d never stay with him would you? You need to get out the minute he raises his hand to you.” and when I didn’t reply that yes, I knew that you should leave a man that hits you, she went crazy and asked me how on Earth I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal for a boyfriend or husband to beat you up. I remember just being very confused and thinking, “but you hit me and I’ve got nowhere to go” and feeling like it was inevitable that I’d always get hit or beaten.
Needless to say it set me up for some abusive relationships and not really having a lot of self-worth. I’ve just always felt unlovable and like it wasn’t safe to be in a relationship. I live a very lonely life, partly because of all the shame that’s always been inside. When she’d hit me she be saying I was a nasty little bitch or a slut and that if people knew the real me they wouldn’t want to be around me. I just feel disgusting on the inside. Like I’m inherently bad/flawed etc. If your own mum can physically hurt you and say such awful things then how can anyone think you’re okay?
This was in the 90s. Most of my friends weren’t smacked. I hate seeing children being smacked in public - I seem to see it a lot in Liverpool city centre when I’m out and about, usually by grandmothers and it really affects me and I worry for the poor child.
to OP and everyone who has experienced similar. It’s not right or fair. You should feel safe and loved in childhood.