Smacking and bruises

[Rivieraqueen]

Regular poster but I've NC'd for this.

One of my sisters has recently had a baby, I currently don't have any but most of my friends do and I spend a lot of time with them and adore them. I can't ever imagine smacking them (I appreciate I'm lucky that I get to go home and leave them to deal with the tantrums etc).

It is only now as an adult, seeing lots of people around me with their children, that I look back at my own childhood and question whether the smacking my step father used to do was a step too far. I remember regularly having hand mark purple and blue bruises on my legs. This happened frequently until I was around 15. My mum used to do this too but not to the same extent. I was quite a hyperactive kid who I suppose you would describe as being 'into everything'. I'm sure I was at times hard work for my parents.

As a kid when it used to happen, I always just thought it was normal that most children must have also been smacked like this (maybe I have a bit of Stockholm syndrome and have defended them). I do beat myself up about it still, that I was a naughty child and that it was deserved punishment.

What are your thoughts on smacking? AIBU now as an adult, to question the actions of my parents and be quite angry with them?

I remember being smacked but what I remember most of all was my mother's blind anger before she smacked me. We don't have a good relationship now. My brother and I have talked about it and we blame it for both of us being chronic conflict avoiders and being extremely risk adverse.

My mother smacked us to the point it is probably classed a s beating. I remember her pulling my hair, kicking me in the back and slapping my head.
I was terrified of her for years although now she is so the opposite that DH struggles to beleive she ever laid a hand on me.
As a parent I sometimes feel the rage with my kids and I can see how it escalated but I wouldn't hit my kids. I would hate for them to be scared of me.

You are not being unreasonable to think about your own childhood, it's a natural course. When we are around children, especially our own or related to us, we want to give them the absolute best and would not dream of hurting them. Once you begin to act on certain things, you can reflect on your own childhood and begin to wonder why you had to deal with certain things because now you no longer understand them. It is painful and it does hurt, especially if it's demons we have hid for many years.

What you have said is horrible and I am so sorry you went through that - it is not right, ever. If you find this begins to play on your mind too much and you would like help, please speak to your GP.

I wish you the best. Look after yourself.

My mum was a smacker (late 1950s early 1960s) I haven't thought about this in years, but I think the smacking stopped after I was intercepted by the window cleaner(?) when I was about 7 as I was marching off to the police station to report her.

Some shocking posts upthread .

Bloody hell Josey I am so so sorry this has happened to you.

I was born in the sixties. Everyone I knew got a quick sharp slap if they were naughty. There was one girl in our street though, if she was late going home, her dad would stand on the doorstep and take his belt off. That used to absolutely terrify me. I was never hit as to leave a mark and I think I had decent parents and a happy childhood. I was certainly never afraid of them.

The funny thing is, that my now consultant paediatrician (Professor) prick of a brother was the least intelligent one. But he was the eldest and used to tell tales on me and actually enjoy watching me take beatings I think.
I'm a fuck up, chronic alcoholic, eating disorder, recurrent depressive disorder, EUPD, over 100 suicide attempts, currently on UC.
So I am strenuously against smacking in any shape or form. I don't give two fucks how gentle it was - DON'T FUCKING PUT YOUR HANDS ON A CHILD BITCH!

Child of 70s/80s I was hit constantly not just a smack but a barrage of hard slaps, I can remember curling in a ball on the floor as DM hit me. She also used a riding whip on one occasion, hiding behind the front door when I finished school and then launching an attack, I can remember trying to scramble up the stairs to try to get away from her and the pain as my legs slipped in my panic and the whip coming down on them. She was fucking evil to me emotionally and physically she’s lucky really that I even bother with her tbh

You are not a fuck up Josey, you are a strong survivor. A fucking warrior. You survive girl, you hang on in there and your day will come.

Tara - I'm sorry to hear that. Worse for me was the emotional abuse. My mother used to tell me that I was ugly every day of my life.
Apparently I'm pretty normal in the looks department, judging by comments men have given me (stunning, beautiful etc.), but I look in the mirror and I see what my mother saw. A very ugly person.
It's painful, still haunts me, but there is literally nothing I can do now.

I was beaten regularly. Sometimes just taken by surprise, and it would come from nowhere and I never knew why. I have been no contact with my family for over 20 years. I would get woken up in the middle of the night and beaten by both parents while they asked me impossible questions that I didn't understand. I know that what I suffered was abuse, even 20 or so years ago it was illegal. I had no trusting relationships with any adults except for a couple of teachers, which I think saved me. School became my sanctuary.
I can not understand why anyone would want to hurt an innocent child. When I had my own children was when the full horror of my child hood came flooding back to me. I have a 9 year old dd, and I remember at her age my mother held a knife to my throat. I can not imagine such a thing. All I can think is that she was purely evil, there was no excuse or reason big enough. No child deserves that.

IMHO what you are describing in your OP isn't "normal" smacking, it's abuse. Anything that leaves marks or bruises on a child is abuse.

@AuldJosey I understand that I was told I will never grow up to be pretty as I was too unusual looking! Same as you I’m pretty normal. I can remember looking at her once after a beating and I refused to cry it was my “fuck you” I must have been about 8 at the time and she kept hitting me until I cried that’s what she wanted to see me hurt. She claims now she was ill and doesn’t remember doing it conveniently. She did in the end admit to my DF that she beat me with the whip but not until I felt brave enough to tell him in front of her when I was in my 20s must have been 12 when she had done it

I'm in my late 20s, and I was smacked, though my parents were very careful to not leave bruises, but they did smack us A LOT.

When I was about 8yo (around the 000's) I think it became illegal to hit a child - but it didn't really make much difference (I guess habits don't change) although they did become more careful - I remember my DB getting a massive telling-off after telling my parents that a teacher had asked him about a mark on his leg and he'd told said teacher that Dad had done it (which was true).

To be honest, my mum would 'smack' (on the bum, on the leg, nip/pinch) me (me in particular - she seemed to get wound up with me inparticular) when she had her moodswings, all the way up until I was 19-20.

...and if Mum got dad wound up - there were some pretty nasty moments.

Anyway. That's all in the past. Truthfully, I know that I'm very similar to my mother in some ways - but saying that, I have learnt from her mistakes. And something I shall never ever do, is hit a child (or adult!).

@shitpark My mother was the queen of dragging me from my bed when I was asleep to beat me too! Consequently, I suffer from insomnia!

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Also went on to had a 7 year relationship with a bastard who beat the shit out of me. He and my mother got on really well.

My mum used to smack me and leave bruises, from about 4-12. I look back and absolutely consider it abuse (now I'm an adult and look at children) and will always hold some form of resentment for it. My mum has completely admitted her mistakes and has made it up to me, so I forgive her completely and she is my best friend. However, I will never forget it and I don't believe there is any excuse for it.

Yes, my mother conveniently tells me I'm imagining things!

My parents were smackers (1970s) but we always felt loved.

Bloody horrendous experiences of some posters here.
Im so sorry for the abuse you’ve suffered.

Smacking is not okay, no matter how many people sit here and go "that's not smacking, that's beating" etc. etc. even if no mark is left, it's not okay!

I have no words.

Utterly horrific accounts. Truly horrific.

My heart breaks for you. You are warriors and survivors

I was smacked/slapped as a child... I still feel resentment and feel as though it was the wrong choice. It was always my mother and it was always when she lost control of herself. Sometimes it was due to misunderstanding and I hadn't actually done anything wrong. It didn't work as discipline. It made me very anxious. I remember once, probably aged about 11, crying hysterically "don't you realise you're teaching us how to parent in the future" and the response was "yes, that's the whole point". I vowed never to make the same mistake at that moment.

I was regularly bruised. My mum used to send notes to get me out of PE so that no one would see me undressed.

My mother would never use her hand if there was an implement available.

These days I probably would have been removed from the house but back then I fled the house in my underwear to escape another beating... neighbour found me hiding behind her hedge and took me home as my mum simply said “she was asking for it”

This thread is just awful. I am so so sorry you've all lived through this abuse. for all who have posted.

We were also little slaves. We were never allowed to play. Another favourite beating device was the hoover (not your Dyson - the ones with the long hoses). It was the most miserable existence you could imagine. I feel very much like a tortured prisoner of war might feel.

Whether I live to become happy - who knows. It's haunting. It changes every single thing about you. It changes who you are, everything. I'm a bit like Shane McGowan in the Fairytale of NewYork - 'I could have been someone'. Something I'll never know now. I'm quite happy to pass into death and be reincarnated as a much loved house cat or something!

Awful, awful, awful

I am in my 50's and my parents were shit in a lot of ways but they never hit me. I am sorry for those who were attacked by the people who were meant to protect them. That is no way "normal"

Some of these posts are horrendous. I have two young children and would never consider causing them pain. This breaks my heart. I remember my mum giving me a smack on the bum when I was about 4 or 5 which I still feel was unjust but nothing else.

My Dad is so against any sort of violence and I know he witnessed domestic violence from his father to mother that I’m starting to think maybe he was a victim too...

You survivors are amazing and those still spending time with/caring for your abusers are bigger people than I think I ever could be