Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his children's holiday?

277 replies

Sunny47 · 29/04/2019 10:38

I've been with DP for 4 years now, he has 2 children ages 10 and 12 who live a few hours away, I have 3 children who live with us. Later this year I'm planning on paying for a family holiday for most of my family. We haven't all been away together in years so I thought it would be nice. DP mentioned that his children are going to feel left out and then ended up suggesting I pay for them to come too. He earns a lot less than me and wouldn't be able to afford to pay for them himself but the amount I'm already going to be paying is a lot and I don't know his children all that well. I see them a few times a year, the rest of my family have only met them a few times. They're lovely kids but I don't think I should be expected to pay for them

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 14:46

because I’d bet a real tenner that this isn’t the only example of him taking the piss financially

yup me too. I don't know whether op will come back but I would take a guess that he probably doesn't pay half the bills / mortgage or whatever else because he has to pay maintenance, that his wage isn't that bad he just chooses to piss it away on whatever but expects op to pick up the slack because "you get paid more than me"

w0man · 29/04/2019 14:50

Usual advice on here is for stepmams to butt out and leave parenting decisions to their parents. I've seen this advice given to women where the step children are at their parents home much much more than the very low contact that is happening here.

If she wants advice on how to tackle bad behaviour - butt out

Advice on how to include herself in contact more - butt out they need alone time with Dad.

Yet when it comes to money suddenly everything is equal, she should be ensuring their Dad has better contact despite him not giving a shiney shit before hand.

I agree it would be cruel for him to fuck if in holiday with his girlfriends family, but I don't agree the OP is a bitch or cruel. In this situation I'd wave my girlfriend and her family off on holiday and stay behind myself.

I've had shit cruel step parents and this is the exact stuff my Dad did and I'd be liar if I said it didn't hurt. My Dad died a few years ago and relationship with step mum fell apart after as she hated us and didn't even need to pretend. Contact with out Dad would be once a month if lucky despite being five mins away.

At my dads funeral his friends and family didn't even know he had two other children. That's how much involved we were in his life and it was hurtful but also humiliating to have his next door neighbour ask how I knew him. To see every condolence message not include me or my brother but his wife and her dc and my half sister.

To be honest, looking back a holiday at that age with my step mum and her family who I don't know would be horrible and would just show how little involvement I had in my Dads life.

I'm projecting, I know I am. I have nothing to do with any of my Dads family family and nothing to do with my step Mums side. I saw them so little I don't feel like they are family to me. My step mum may have hated us but at the end of the day my Dad was shit without his wives and girlfriends and didn't take much persuading to be even shorter, he chose her, my dad chose to cast his dc aside and he chose to not be bothered by it and at 40 years old.

I think OP is crazy for being involved with someone who chooses to not have much involvement in his life, and I'd judge him for not including his children more in day to life to the point that after four years they are almost strangers to his partner. He should have been trying to include them and I suspect if OP was asking for advice on becoming more involved with her boyfriends kids she'd be told to back off.

I wouldn't be involved with him but this sounds like the OP isn't what's turned him into a deadbeat, maybe he was already one.

pikapikachu · 29/04/2019 14:50

You're not unreasonable to not want to pay for your stepchildren who you barely know.

Your partner is very unreasonable. He only sees them once a month but when it's a holiday up for grabs, he suddenly father of the year Hmm It's piss poor behaviour being so lazy during the year then asking OP to pretend that he's father of the year at her cost.

Personally I think that you should go without your partner and he should do something with his kids.

Orangeballon · 29/04/2019 14:52

Your absolutely right, it’s bad enough havingg to fork out for your own children without help from him, never mind his kids too. He should pay their share if he wants them to go on holiday.

Leeds2 · 29/04/2019 14:54

Another one saying that I would suggest to DP that he doesn't come on the holiday, but uses the time to take his DC on holiday to somewhere he can afford to pay for himself. Bet he doesn't!

quizqueen · 29/04/2019 15:00

I think I would lose respect for a live in partner who expected me to cover the costs of his family, whether it's a holiday or just day to day living.

nrpmum · 29/04/2019 15:01

I think it's reasonable for him to expect them to go on the family holiday, but unreasonable to expect you to pay.

This with knobs on. The rest is just a red herring with regard to your specific question.

Holidayshopping · 29/04/2019 15:02

Your partner is very unreasonable. He only sees them once a month but when it's a holiday up for grabs, he suddenly father of the year hmm

Absolutely!

Is it a big price tag holiday-one he fancies the kudos for taking his kids on??

Iloveacurry · 29/04/2019 15:35

Another opinion where he doesn’t go on this holiday. You go with your kids, with your family.

leomama81 · 29/04/2019 16:45

Everyone saying it's OP's responsibility to make her DP step up - seriously? So it's on the woman to make the man behave yet again? Seems a pretty sexist attitude to be honest.

We don't actually know why he only sees his kids once a month, they could live in the outer Hebrides, they could be in boarding school, that may be the agreed arrangement with their mother/the courts for whatever reason. But it certainly isn't on the OP to fix it, and quite frankly I think those suggesting it should be ashamed.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 29/04/2019 16:56

DP mentioned that his children are going to feel left out and then ended up suggesting I pay for them to come too

Fuck that for a game of soldiers...

From what you write he sounds like a pretty shitty and absent father so going on holiday without them is probably what his kids expect from him by now.

If he wants to play Disney dad, he can work a night or two a week in a bar and save rather than do it on your dime.

CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 16:57

Yet when it comes to money suddenly everything is equal

Yep, funny that isn't it!!

Rainbowknickers · 29/04/2019 17:26

I have my own kids-I also have 2 stepdaughters and neither of us treat any of them any differently-my partner and are together-the kids come first-it doesn’t matter who came out of who’s womb/balls we try to treat everyone the same

cantwait2bfree · 29/04/2019 17:41

Well if he sees them once a month then they don’t need you’re going on hols

cantwait2bfree · 29/04/2019 17:41

Meant they don’t need to know

M4J4 · 29/04/2019 17:48

@JamdaniSari

I can understand you not wanting to pay, but you should atleast encourage him to spend time with them.

More bloody wife work! If OP were a man you would not be telling him to encourage his girlfriend/partner/wife to encourage to have more contact with her kids.

Whether you like it or not they're his children the same way your children are....

OP has nothing against his kids! She just doesn’t want to pay to take kids she sees a handful of times a year on holiday.

OP, hope you will come back.

notapizzaeater · 29/04/2019 17:49

He's plenty of time to start saving

NailsNeedDoing · 29/04/2019 18:04

Why does everyone jump to the conclusion that because a father can only see his kids once a moth then he is automatically a deadbeat, crap Disney Dad?

That could be the case, but equally for all we know, when he split with his children's Mum she chose to move hours away to be near her family or something and the poor bloke was heartbroken. It's reasonable, whenever a separated mum on here says she wants to move away from her children's father for support, or a job or whatever, she's encouraged to do it. We have no idea what the circumstances are, but presumably if he didn't give a shit at all about his children, he wouldn't be worried about their feelings about him going on holiday.

Aprillygirl · 29/04/2019 18:09

To avoid his kids feeling left out don't pay for your partner to come either. He can have his kids to stay over for the week or two that you're away instead,taking them for some nice days out and just spending some lovely quality time together just the three of them.

zippey · 29/04/2019 18:14

I don’t think DP should have asked to take the kids when he isn’t willing to pay for them.

Dippypippy1980 · 29/04/2019 18:38

Op seems to have disappeared.

This all comes down to the useless father. I would struggle to pay hundred (maybe thousands) of pounds for two children I don’t really know. However, I would struggle even more with a boyfriend who seems to care so little for his children. I wouldn’t have him around my children - it’s modelling very fractured family relations.

If the boyfriend suddenly want to spend time with his children why not a cheap and cheerful big family trip - Or separate trips? In fact it might be better for the children if they get to spend some time with just their dad - they need it.

TakeMe2Insanity · 29/04/2019 19:58

This is really simple: you have a dp /dh problem.

Barbie222 · 29/04/2019 20:14

I'd suggest he takes his children somewhere without you. At 10 and 12 they will pick up on your vibes.

Wonkybanana · 29/04/2019 20:19

The OP doesn't know her DP's children, so the rest of her family - who she's paying for - haven't a cat in hell's chance of knowing them. Therefore the children won't know anyone else from OP's family either.

So what will happen? The DCs will want their father with them (and them alone) for the whole holiday. So he'll have a holiday with his children - the ones he can't be arsed to make an effort for during the year - paid for and organised by the OP with again no effort from him. Happy as a pig in shit, he'll be.

And there may be a reason the OP hasn't been back. She asked about the paying for the holiday, but a lot of PPs have also pointed out what a waste of space the 'D'P seems to be. So either she's offended by that or, hopefully, having a bit of a think about what he really brings to the party.

Ellisandra · 29/04/2019 20:27

@NailsNeedDoing you’re right we don’t know the circumstances of the once a month visits. Actually, OP says “about once a month” which makes it sound a bit less fixed and possibly less.

The reason why, on balance, I think he should be seeing them more and is a deadbeat (not even as good as Disney!) dad is that the only person on the thread who knows him is the OP and she has said:

  • she has told him he should see them more
  • he has never “bothered” to take them on holiday

That doesn’t sound like a man upset because he doesn’t get to see his kids more. 🤷‍♀️