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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his children's holiday?

277 replies

Sunny47 · 29/04/2019 10:38

I've been with DP for 4 years now, he has 2 children ages 10 and 12 who live a few hours away, I have 3 children who live with us. Later this year I'm planning on paying for a family holiday for most of my family. We haven't all been away together in years so I thought it would be nice. DP mentioned that his children are going to feel left out and then ended up suggesting I pay for them to come too. He earns a lot less than me and wouldn't be able to afford to pay for them himself but the amount I'm already going to be paying is a lot and I don't know his children all that well. I see them a few times a year, the rest of my family have only met them a few times. They're lovely kids but I don't think I should be expected to pay for them

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 29/04/2019 20:33

Meh.

On MN you’re not allowed to have an opinion on your SC other than that they shit rainbows.

You’re never, ever allowed to discipline them or do anything other than worship at their feet, even if they’re skinning your pet cat in front of you.

You cannot, under any circumstances, involve yourself in their lives AT ALL. Never. Never never.

Oh, but when it comes to money they’re your stepchildren you animal! Of course you should be bankrolling them!

Dieu · 29/04/2019 20:35

Why do you see them only a few times a year? Confused

isadoradancing123 · 29/04/2019 20:39

You say you are paying for a family holiday for most of the family, then it seems mean to leave them out

DizzySue · 29/04/2019 20:43

Yes, they will definitely feel hurt, left out and disappointed. You haven't really mentioned any concern for their feelings, but you are purely focused on how you feel, perhaps you don't want to admit how awful it would be for them to be excluded? If you can't afford to include them perhaps you shouldn't do this holiday, or alter it so that they can be included, it really is quite unkind of you.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 20:43

At 10 and 12 they will pick up on your vibes

What "vibes"? She hasnt said anything negative about them. Maybe theyll pick up on daddy's cba vibes and not bother seeing him.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 29/04/2019 20:44

What do you mean by "most of" the family? Your parents? Siblings? Nephews/nieces?
And what sort of holiday are we talking? 2 weeks in Florida for Disney parks, or hiring a farmhouse in France? Or a long weekend at Butlins?

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 20:46

If you can't afford to include them perhaps you shouldn't do this holiday, or alter it so that they can be included, it really is quite unkind of you

No mention of the fact that their actual parent isnt taking them on holiday or contributing or even trying to create a relationship between them and op and her kids though, no? Hmm

Why is it always the step parents fault? Why does this woman who barely knows these kids appear to be thought more responsible for them than their dad. You know their actual parent? Somebody please tell me.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 20:47

You say you are paying for a family holiday for most of the family, then it seems mean to leave them out but they are not ops family are they?

spannerintheneck · 29/04/2019 20:59

You clearly don't class them as part of your family then 🙄 no wonder they feel left out that's quite a nasty thing to do

EmeraldShamrock · 29/04/2019 21:01

Yanbu.
Let him wash windows, cars, mow lawns if necessary. If he really wanted them to go as a decent parent he would move .mountains to make it happen.
This is unfair on your own DC too, I am sure they didn't ask for this relationship, the pay gap isn't the issue, his attitude is.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 21:04

You clearly don't class them as part of your family then 🙄 no wonder they feel left out that's quite a nasty thing to do
Would you class children youd met a hand full of times as family?

Is it not nasty that their dad hasn't facilitated contact between his partner and his kids? Is it not nasty that he cant or wont pay for them? They are his kids and therefore his responsibilty, not ops.

I suppose you take your friends kids youve briefly met away with you because id say thats a pretty similar dynamic to how the op will be with his kids?

Youseethethingis · 29/04/2019 21:06

@PlantPotParrot I don’t think you’re going to get a straight answer.

I must be mean and nasty too because I don’t pay to take every random set of kids I meet who aren’t mine on holiday with me either 🤷‍♀️

DizzySue · 29/04/2019 21:10

Stepmother is planning and paying for holiday so she IS accountable and directly responsible for planning a holiday that the SC cannot be taken on.

She knows they'll be hurt and excluded, but adopts the attitude 'it's not my fault DP can't pay for them' and everybody condoning this is ignoring how the kids will feel.

Her attitude that this shouldn't really matter anyway because he doesn't see them very much is bewildering. (Did she mean that she didn't expect DP to mind because he's a shit dad anyway? Or that we shouldn't judge her as SM, because their own DF can't even be bothered to see them often)

Anyway, all I can say is poor kids, let's hope their DM puts them first and takes them on family holidays.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 21:11

Shes not their step mother.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 21:13

She has next to no involvement in their life and she is not married to their dad. Please elaborate on how she is their step mother and why she is financially responsible for them whilst their dad is not?

DizzySue · 29/04/2019 21:13

I must be mean and nasty too because I don’t pay to take every random set of kids

Random set of kids? They aren't random strangers, they're her SC. Her DP's children.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 21:14

Shes met them a handful of times. Ive met my friends kids a handful of times. I think theyre nice kids but i wouldn't pay to take them on a family holiday.

Bookworm4 · 29/04/2019 21:18

If it was me I'd book a holiday for yourself, DP and all the DC before I'd be paying for other family members. There's the chance to get to know them.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 21:20

bookworm but dad is not expected to contribute to that either?

C0untDucku1a · 29/04/2019 21:22

I dont think op should pay for her dp and his children.

Has he suggested paying for them? Even if it takes continuing paying after the holiday?

does he pay for them now?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 29/04/2019 21:24

They aren’t her step children! They are her boyfriends children from his previous relationship.

No OP you should not pay to take the children on holiday, nor is it your responsibility to facilitate his relationship with their father and for you to impose a relationship into the step children.

If your partner wanted to take his children on holiday then he needs to find a way to pay for this and not guilt trip you into bank rolling him and his children a free holiday.

You aren’t family, (yet) but that doesn’t mean you don’t care for your partners children.

YANBU to not be OK with this.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 29/04/2019 21:25

Yes, they will definitely feel hurt, left out and disappointed.

Sorry, but you have absolutely no IDEA how these children, random strangers on the internet to you, will feel.

Youseethethingis · 29/04/2019 21:26

“Ive met my friends kids a handful of times. I think theyre nice kids but i wouldn't pay to take them on a family holiday.”
And the only difference between that scenario and this one? Sex.

Still not OPs kids, not her responsibility, not really part of her or her family’s lives. They are barely part of their own DFs life - and on that point I agree that they are poor kids. It’s shit. Doesn’t make it OPs burden to carry though.

Charley50 · 29/04/2019 21:29

Blimey no wonder the OP hasn't been back. Some really nasty responses here. OP hasn't been able to form a close relationship with those kids as she has hardly spent time with them; she obviously realises that her DP needs to put more effort in, hence wanting him to contribute to holiday.

Maybe there are also reasons for him being a 'deadbeat dad.' Maybe he had an absent father himself, maybe his ex makes it difficult for him to be emotionally or physically close to his children, maybe he can't afford to visit more often. Or yes maybe he's just a deadbeat dad and has picked a woman with poor boundaries due to her own experiences and upbringing.

Charley50 · 29/04/2019 21:29

Who knows?

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