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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to pay for his children's holiday?

277 replies

Sunny47 · 29/04/2019 10:38

I've been with DP for 4 years now, he has 2 children ages 10 and 12 who live a few hours away, I have 3 children who live with us. Later this year I'm planning on paying for a family holiday for most of my family. We haven't all been away together in years so I thought it would be nice. DP mentioned that his children are going to feel left out and then ended up suggesting I pay for them to come too. He earns a lot less than me and wouldn't be able to afford to pay for them himself but the amount I'm already going to be paying is a lot and I don't know his children all that well. I see them a few times a year, the rest of my family have only met them a few times. They're lovely kids but I don't think I should be expected to pay for them

OP posts:

Kaddm · 29/04/2019 13:29

Difficult to say. How many are you paying for? Yourself and 3DC and him? Or more extended family? Can he afford to pay half the cost of his kids and could you meet the other half?

Personally if someone offered me a free holiday without my kids, I wouldn’t want to go. If you look at it from his POV, he’d be going away with his girlfriend, her kids and her extended family. And leaving his own kids behind. I’m not surprised he doesn’t fancy that, regardless of finances.

Also, if finances are a major issue between you generally, I’d split.

Lovemusic33 · 29/04/2019 13:34

Why not go on holiday and leave dp at home? That way his children won’t feel left out as their father isn’t going on holiday without them.

I do see your point, if he wants them to go then he should pay for them. It also sounds as though he doesn’t put much effort into seeing them, they probably already feel left out?

Youseethethingis · 29/04/2019 13:40

“how isn't it his choice, if he wants her to see his kids, he needs to facilitate that and clearly he is not. Its not up to her to force herself on his kids, and if she did she would be slated for that too!”

There’s a lot of truth in this I think. If OP was muscling in on the very little time these kids spend with their dad in order to “blend” it wouldn’t be looked too kindly upon either. “Contact is for the dad, not you, OP”
“They have two parents already, you are just their fathers girlfriend” etc etc

OP doesn’t see these kids are her family because they are not her family. Her DP doesn’t appear to be a very involved father so any partner of his is unlikely to become an involved step mother. That’s entirely on him, not OP.

Expectations, financial and otherwise, on the OP are quite unreasonable IMHO.

Rosesaredead · 29/04/2019 13:43

Crazy how in two previous threads, the OP was told by pretty much everyone that she was not being unreasonable for not wanting to pay for her partner's children (one poster said her partner's ex wanted her to contribute her personal money so her maintainance payments would be bigger, and one poster said her partner's ex wanted her earnings and savings to be taken into account, not just her partner's, when it was calculated how much maintainance her partner should pay). Like it was pretty unanimous that both posters were NOT being unreasonable. So I'm really shocked that so many people on here seem to think that the OP should use her own personal money to pay for her partner's children to go on holiday with her.

Like a pp said, this isn't a blended family, and it's not her responsibility to make it one. Her partner should be and he isn't, for reasons that we don't know. But whatever the reason, it doesn't follow that the OP should be the one to pay from her own personal money!

If the actual parents of the children can't be bothered to put in the effort to create a blended family then why should OP - NOT their parent - have to do it? It's ridiculous that some of you are suggesting that just because her partner has children from a previous relationship, she must go above and beyond for them in a way that their own parents aren't willing to.

I'm not saying it's not sad that the children's parents can't be bothered to make an effort for them - be it by making an effort to create a happy blended family or by saving up money to take them on holidays. It IS sad. But it's not up to the OP to fix that, it's up to the parents!

M4J4 · 29/04/2019 13:44

@PlantPotParrot

If my partner spoke about my DD the way you speak about your stepchildren I would be leaving him

what has the op said that was derogatory towards the children?

Clearly the step mum is a bitch for not facilitating contact / holidays for her DP with his step-kids 🙄

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 13:51

But if someone had no court involvement, no other issue - just CHOSE that EOW was enough? Yeah - I’ll judge that

yeah no I understand that! It's so much better when arrangements can be made amicably.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2019 13:57

I think the principled position would be to either go with just your dc and not your partner or both go and you take all the children. It is cruel to his children to play happy families with another woman’s children when he pays such little attention to your own.

It doesn’t matter whether or not the children are made aware of the holiday. They know he’s with a woman, who has kids.

Obviously you are not in charge of the way he acts. However I don’t think you should facilitate or condone his behaviour.

Therefore if he can’t afford to take the kids he doesn’t get to go.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2019 13:58

If my partner spoke about my DD the way you speak about your stepchildren I would be leaving him. YA definitely BU!

Eh?

CanILeavenowplease · 29/04/2019 14:06

Can their DM chip n towards their share and your DP save up the rest?

Why would their mother pay for her children to have a holiday with her ex partner and his new family? Or better put, if I, as an ex wife, asked AIBU to ask my ex husband to pay for the children to come on holiday with me, the word 'grabby' would be used in just about every response.

What is attractive to you about a man who only bothers to see his young kids once a month?

This. With knobs on. Although of course it is quite clear what is attractive about a man who only bothers to see his young children once a month in this case, isn't it? Quite clearly the OP had no intention of being a step parent in anything other than name and doesn't consider her partner's children to be a part of her family at all. Sadly, the ability to abandon responsibility seems very attractive to many, many women.

funinthesun19 · 29/04/2019 14:08

the word 'grabby' would be used in just about every response.

That’s because it would be grabby. Just like the op’s partner is being grabby.

funinthesun19 · 29/04/2019 14:09

the word 'grabby' would be used in just about every response.

That’s because it would be grabby. Just like the op’s partner is being grabby

AliceRR · 29/04/2019 14:12

Do his children have holidays with their mother?

I can see that it’s not fair to leave them out but then it’s also not fair for you to pay for five children to go on holiday or to not get to take your DC on holiday. That doesn’t mean they’re not “part of the family” but why should you pay for everyone? If you work hard and can afford a nice holiday for your children then so be it. His children have two parents (I assume?) who could do the same for them.

When you say your partner suggested you pay, was it simply a suggestion or does he think you are unreasonable not to pay for them?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 29/04/2019 14:17

The thing is when a mother posts on here that she wants to separate from the father of her children one of the biggest concerns is nearly always "I'm terrified he'll get custody/50-50 care of the kids." Then nearly everyone comes on making soothing noises saying don't worry, the standard pattern for contact is EOW blah blah.

Likewise if a man has his DCs every weekend everyone piles in to say what about the mum, when does she get her quality time with her DC? Then a week on week off pattern is suggested then it's like no, children need one main place to call home so they feel secure.

Yet a man is automatically judged for only having EOW contact? Honestly they can't win when it comes to this issue.

NB I fully acknowledge that there are many deadbeat dads out there - this post is not about those arseholes but the one who genuinely want to see their children.

GunpowderGelatine · 29/04/2019 14:21

I agree MyCats if a mum came on to say "my ex has moved 3 hours away/we have moved 3 hours away" and she didn't want him to have too regular contact there'd be bags of support - and rightly so. But then people should acknowledge that every month does not a deadbeat dad make

ittakes2 · 29/04/2019 14:22

Both my brothr''n'laws have step children - they consider them their children and treat then no differently to how they treat their own flesh and blood. You feel its unreasonable for him to ask you because you don't know them well - you don't consider them part of your family. I think it seems unreasonable you don't know them well - why you have not tried to include them in your family before puzzles me.
Personally, I think this is a good opportunity to get to know them better and include them in your family. It sounds like your partner is a step dad to your kids - but you are not a step mum to his kids.

JessieMcJessie · 29/04/2019 14:24

Do people really think that his kids would enjoy this holiday with Dad’s GF and her 3 kids who they barely know? I’s Be more worried about his lack of judgment on that front than anything to do with money.

AliceRR · 29/04/2019 14:24

I realised after I posted you are taking your children in holiday but they are not his children too so I can see why he’d want his children there but you are not under any obligation to pay

JamdaniSari · 29/04/2019 14:25

I can't help but feel so sorry for his children who he hardly sees or has ''bothered'' to take on holiday.

I can understand you not wanting to pay, but you should atleast encourage him to spend time with them.

Whether you like it or not they're his children the same way your children are....

Holidayshopping · 29/04/2019 14:36

I don’t think OP is objecting to them coming, she just can’t afford to pay for them as well!

If the dad has never bothered to take them on holiday himself, I fail to see why he now feels entitled to use the OP as his own personal holiday Cash point.

AliceRR · 29/04/2019 14:37

If the dad has never bothered to take them on holiday himself, I fail to see why he now feels entitled to use the OP as his own personal holiday Cash point.

I agree. Exactly.

And also everyone saying OP should try harder to have a relationship with her partner’s DC, it is not her responsibility but he has said she encourages him to see them

Jaxhog · 29/04/2019 14:38

I think it seems unreasonable you don't know them well - why you have not tried to include them in your family before puzzles me.

What is she supposed to do? Kidnap his kids and take them to Legoland? Come on! They are HIS KIDS!! HIS responsibility! IU can see the thread now 'GF steals partners kids to get to know them better'. And I can imagine the MN outcry!

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 14:41

why you have not tried to include them in your family before puzzles me

how many times do I have to say that ITS NOT OPS PLACE TO DO THAT.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 14:42

but you should atleast encourage him to spend time with them

she has.

Whether you like it or not they're his children the same way your children are....

no, I don't think OPs children are his children?

Ellisandra · 29/04/2019 14:44

Doesn’t sound the OP would mind the being there at all - she says they’re lovely kids!

Of course it could be a good way of blending their families.

But why should the OP just be expected to pay for it?!!!!

And I speak as someone who DOES pay for 2 stepchildren (actually adult stepsons so I could say they were too old to come on parent paid holiday!) to come on holiday. The lion’s share, as I’m the higher earner.

My obligation: to be willing to change the type of holiday to be able to afford not to exclude them

My husband’s obligation: to never just suggest that I pay!!!!! And always make a fair contribution.

This chancer has tried to guilt the OP, and then told her to pay.

I really wish OP would come back and be honest about him, because I’d bet a real tenner that this isn’t the only example of him taking the piss financially.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2019 14:44

'GF steals partners kids to get to know them better'

ahahahaha

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