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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

999 replies

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:23

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 28/04/2019 20:41

YANBU at all OP!

I breast fed both my children and my husband would sit up with me for many hours in the night when the baby just wouldn’t stop feeding.

Thankfully my DH is the decent sort who told me that we were a team and we were “in it together.”

Insertinspirationalquotehere · 28/04/2019 20:42

I work with young people who have severe behavioural issues.

Unicornshopkeeper · 28/04/2019 20:42

I have done all the night feeds with our third. I honestly feel like our household is equal because as well as going out to work at 5am my DH does his share of the cooking, laundry and housework. He also leaves me to lie in at the weekend.
I appreciate I'm probably lucky and would agree with you if the DP doesn't pull their weight

Original poster
TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 20:42

crispy do you not find that exhausting?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 20:43

insert I can imagine that is indeed a difficult job, so I understand.

OP posts:
feduuup · 28/04/2019 20:44

@TeenTitans you don't seem to be factoring that many of us BF, and waking up to do a BF is nothing like waking to give a bottle. It's quick and actually produces the hormones to send the woman back to sleep quickly (unless she spends the feed on her bright iPad defying nature in which case she is a moron- yes this was me).

Sparklybanana · 28/04/2019 20:44

I didn’t see getting up in the night sacrificing everything. I could have shared parental leave but I didn’t want to! I got to spend a year with my kids, eating cake, going out on lovely walks, spending lots of time with my friends and binge watching tv whilst breast feeding. It was the best time of my life and having to get up, which was actually not that difficult whilst feeding, wasn’t that big a deal. It would be now as I don’t have the hormones, but this is exactly why it’s harsh to expect a man to get up to the feed. I feel a lot more knackered now as I have to get up properly at 6am drive for 2 hrs a day and be confined to my chair looking at a screen all day. I wouldn’t want to get up during the night knowing my dh was binge watching game of thrones the next day....yabu

DuesToTheDirt · 28/04/2019 20:46

I fell asleep in my breakfast on maternity leave. Work was never as hard as that!

Original poster
TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 20:46

fed if you're breastfeeding then there's no way around it

OP posts:
SherlockSays · 28/04/2019 20:47

I'm on maternity leave so I do all night feeds & wakings. I don't have to be up at 6am (unless DD is) and I don't have to go anywhere if I don't want to - we can laze about in the house to our heart's content. DH doesn't have that opportunity and has to get up, drive and be mentally tuned all day.

I go back to work next week so we will take it in turns.

Yes, being at home all day with them is HARD but it isn't work.

crispysausagerolls · 28/04/2019 20:47

teentitans

Occassionally, when DS is teething and wakes a lot, yes. But mostly I go to sleep quite early, we bedsheet to minimise my wakings and I find my day - going to softplay for coffee, making my baby laugh with stupid games, baby swimming etc - a hell of a lot easier than my husband does.

Plus he helps during the weekend.

When I was pregnant I always said to him on his month off in the beginning he would HAVE to wake up when I did to give me company at night but i never actually needed it at the time. And once they don’t need changing at night and sleep through more it all becomes so much easier anyway.

I will space my children out accordingly though as I think 3 under 3 wouldn’t work in our situation.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 20:48

It would be now as I don’t have the hormones, but this is exactly why it’s harsh to expect a man to get up to the feed

I don't understand what this comment means, if it's about hormones while bf then women who ff don't have them either.

OP posts:
WeTookVows · 28/04/2019 20:48

We have had 4 DC in 7.5 years. DH has never given any of them milk.

He's an engaged, responsive dad and has bonded with them and pulled his weight in other ways. That's what matters, not the way specific tasks are divided up. Couples do what works for them. DH tends to have the weekend lie in too, as I'm an early bird but love to have a nap or go up to read in bed for an hour in the afternoon.

crispysausagerolls · 28/04/2019 20:49

^^

During the weekend during the day, to specify.

Agree with a PP - I am a SAHM so Mat leave isn’t applicable to me but I definitely wouldn’t have shared it! Best time of my life

jonsnowlowblow · 28/04/2019 20:50

I do get where you're coming from OP. I've seen on mum groups before issues occur because the mother takes all the night wakes because 'dh goes to work', and then the mother goes back to work and is either fucking shattered from continuing to do the night wakes because her husband now has it ingrained that it is her job, or they start to share it but he hasn't got a clue and baby won't be settled by him.

Sux2buthen · 28/04/2019 20:51

Our third child together is 7 weeks old and I've been waking every night for the last four and a half years at least once a night for feeds or nappies. Aside from the fact my partner obviously can't breastfeed I do feel that because he has to be up, out, on the ball and provide us with a roof that he shouldn't have to do the nights. It's bloody hard at home and I don't get breaks as such lol but I can take the day as it comes and he can't.
I'm going to go as far as saying that I do believe full time work is usually harder than being home with your family.

HenSolo · 28/04/2019 20:52

It was the best time of my life and having to get up, which was actually not that difficult whilst feeding, wasn’t that big a deal.

Good for you Hmm

At its worst I was trying to mother two children under two on two hours broken sleep a night. It was hell and if it wasn’t for my partner I’m not sure I would have survived it. I spent days in tears from exhaustion. If my partner expected eight hours unbroken sleep while I was in this state I would not be with him.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 28/04/2019 20:52

This thread: it’s like fucking pumping and bottles were never invented Confused

PrtScn · 28/04/2019 20:53

I’m breastfeeding so I do all the night feeds. We are cosleeping so when baby (6 months) wants boob I just steer him in the right direction and fall back asleep. I have evicted DP to the spare room though as his snoring was keeping me awake more than the baby. Also after 2am baby has started waking up nearly every half an hour to an hour and tries to get up around 5am, so it’s better that DP is in the spare room where he doesn’t get disturbed unless the baby has an epic meltdown (and to be fair he will get up to see if we are OK).

We get up around 7am after lying in bed playing with toys and having snuggles for about an hour and join DP for breakfast. Which works out well as DP feeds baby his porridge or fruit (his “job” is feeding baby solids when he’s home) and I have a nice baby free breakfast. Baby and I go back to bed for our morning nap when DP leaves for work.

I don’t mind this as I’m on maternity leave for a year. When I go back to work full time I’ll be making sure DP does his fair share.

Dermymc · 28/04/2019 20:53

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut

Not everyone can pump. Not every baby takes bottles.

LaCastafiore · 28/04/2019 20:54

I breast fed both my children and my husband would sit up with me for many hours in the night when the baby just wouldn’t stop feeding.

in case you were not being sarcastic, what is the actual point of that?

CottonSock · 28/04/2019 20:54

My dh is a surgeon and I wanted him to sleep at least a bit. Plus they were breastfed so not much point in us both being up. It was pretty shit and lonely at times and I am never having another baby again ever!

Original poster
TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 20:54

I don't know how women do it with so little sleep. I genuinely take my hat off because I know I couldn't survive on it!

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 28/04/2019 20:55

Not everyone can pump. Not every baby takes bottles

AMEN!

And not everyone wants to either!

LaCastafiore · 28/04/2019 20:56

Not everyone can pump. Not every baby takes bottles.

and not everybody had extra hours of the day to pump on top of the time when actually feeding the baby!