To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

woman's body needs time to reset after birth, and sleep is an important part of that. If a partner REALLY can't manage to do any night duties during their working week, then they should do both weekend nights, at least for the first few months.

This too.

This thread is another “best of Mumsnet” where the following applies:

1. If the OP was male and decided that as he worked FT his DP had to do all the night feeds this thread would be exploding and the banner ads would be showing Medela pumps all over the place

1. This thread absolutely 110% reinforces that being a SAHP is “women’s work” and “easier than a proper job “ and intrinsically of less value than “men’s” by virtue that “you can have a nap in the day in the way you can’t in an office/van/large hadron collider when you’re a SAHP”. Maybe, but being a SAHP is constant. Many of my contemporaries considered a return at 4 months PP for a less intense life. Most work for consultancies.

I absolutely agree with the OP that “DH’s work” is almost sanctified in a way by some new, inexperienced mums, completely unaware that it’s a damaging precedent to set for their working future.

OP you are being a bit judgey as live and let live, but I too would find it a bit depressing being in your situation.

Mine is an industrial chemist. If he fucks up because he's utterly sleep deprived half a city gets gassed and the water for a district is fucked.

If I was utterly sleep deprived I might put the washing up liquid in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard.

That being said, he did help with nights on his days off and does his bit when he is home, he doesn't use work as an excuse to not parent (I have even sent him to bed over looking after dc because he was even more on his knees than I was)

OP you have jumped to a few slightly extreme conclusions here regarding women's choices.

I did the night feeds because I had boobs. Even when back at work it was only me who could feed baby. However dh did get up once night feeding had stopped. He also took lo in the morning or late evening so I could get an early night /lie in. On the face of it he would say "dermy did the night feeds". In reality we shared things around so we both got sleep. I prioritised his sleep while on mat leave because I could schlep around all day on the sofa.

So many people responding to say how hard their jobs are on no sleep are women though?

This is interesting as before our baby was born we discussed this and agreed if I was breastfeeding I’d feed at night and DH would do nappy changes or anything else that would help. Now the baby’s here, I am breastfeeding and I’ve only woken DH once when she shat everywhere and I didn’t have nappies or wipes to hand and it was an epic mess. I’m lucky she usually only wakes once or twice and I don’t find scooping her up for a feed, quick wind then both of us back to sleep difficult. It’s early days and we might be in for a nightmare down the line and I’ll wake him up more but for now I’m not sleep deprived, mat leave is SO much easier than my job and while I’m rarely napping in the day, I could if I wanted to and there’s never anything I really need to do during the day while DH has to be in the office. He’d happily get up in the night as we’d discussed but why both be awake when we don’t need to be? I’m a feminist. He’s a feminist. We’re also both pragmatists.

I'm not bitter. I'm someone who's partner does do nights so this issue doesn't directly affect me. I feel bad for women who it does affect.

That's why I bedshared with DD2. I barely woke to feed her. I got much more sleep than I did with DD1 in a Moses basket then cot.

In most circumstances (and I say most because there are always exceptions such as illness/disability) being a SAHM is nowhere near as difficult to manage on no sleep as having an actual job.

When I was on mat leave (for 14 months) if i was tired or looked like shit then it didn’t really matter. My jobs - laundry/cleaning/house stuff) could wait or be done jointly by me and dh in the evening.

After school runs I could slouch on the sofa - or walk up and down with an unsettled newborn but nothing that required much brain power.

I couldn’t do my job now on no sleep and I didn’t expect dh to when I was at home all day.

Wtf at people saying you can’t be sleep deprived at work in case people’s lives are at risk etc etc but it’s ok to be horrendously sleep deprived and looking after children?? Do we not want to keep them alive too?
Also no I can’t nap when the baby naps as I have two children. And no I can’t just sit in front of the tv all day because I am not a bad mother and if you’d ever actually had children you would KNOW this is not what a SAHM does!

Parents share the responsibility. Absolutely I have done the majority of night wakings due to having the breasts but my husband will help where he can and I have lie ins at the weekend. Because he loves me and cares that I can function!!

I’m with you op although we seem to be the minority up in here. Quite surprised at the old fashioned attitudes tbh

Dh is a hospital consultant who spends his days doing procedures looking for cancer. He did do night feeds, he was well used to being up in the night and working all day because of years of on calls. He very much considered that me looking after the baby all day was “work”.

But do those women feel bad or feel unhappy about their situations? It sounds like they’re explaining their set ups and you’re making judgements.

DH is a very hands-on dad but I did the night feeds if he was working the next day. Dh needed to be alert for work or the safety of others would have been compromised!
You sound very resentful op!

@DontTouchTheMoustache perfect response! Exactly what I was going to write!

while men can go back to work, have adult company and enjoy a full 8 hours sleep while women have to spend their day covered in puke with screaming kids and don't even get the luxury of sleep at the end of it Sorry but I can't really get past this. Why do women "have to" stay at home whilst their partner works? Shared parental leave is an option now, I'm due in Sept and obviously I'll have the first part of leave to recover but then my partner will have the second part as we're equals. Many women want to take all the leave. Fine if both parents are in agreement but the one who's at home should be doing the bulk of night wakings.

HenSolo agree with everything you said there!

missy

So did mine!

Not the consultant bit...

No, I'm sorry. Being on maternity is a piece of piss compared to going out to work. No matter how tired I've been on mat leave, I can organise my day around it to suit me. In comparison, being at work is always having to be in tip top form to follow an imposed schedule or demands. People who find maternity leave hard usually seem to work in cushy offices and have a certain degree of autonomy in their working day. My working day can involve being sworn at, threatened, and not getting a break. Even the most atrocious toddler is a doddle in comparison

i think just because they work is a lame excuse, but some jobs mean they do need their sleep.

Ex worked in a furnace handling molten metal.. so yes, i preferred he got his sleep.. once when tired he ended up with 3rd degree burns!

However, what we did was he'd have them for 4-5 hours before his bedtime so i could get a solid block of sleep, then manage over the next day on short sleeps and naps.

I would expect my dp to do one night at the weekend but I think it's reasonable for the SAHP to do work nights.

I breastfeed so yeah it’s my job. But even if I formula fed, it’s still my job.
Would you prefer I wake DH up and have him go to work exhausted, whilst he’s behind the wheel of a van, or messing with gas. If he blows someone up and ends up in court on a manslaughter charge I don’t think “I was tired but feeding the baby is just as much my responsibility” will quite cut it 🙄

3 tiny children must be such hard work. I don’t underestimate that feeling of being so tired you feel faint and sick. There’s no let up and no rest at all with 3 little ones. Look after yourself, if what you’re doing works for you then that’s great. Who cares what anyone else is up to 🤷🏻‍♀️ X

insert what job do you do?

And fwiw, my husband and I agreed that it made sense for me to do the night wakings, however to "make up" for it, I get more baby free time at the weekend when he's off. I value the hours to read, study, nap or have a bath more than I do a few breastfeeds in the wee hours

It's the attitudes of some women I find sad

Patronising drivel. Your post just seems incredibly self-satisfied and I am unsure of its purpose other than to say “look how amazing our system is”.

I LOVE doing nights with my baby - really. DH works 70-80 hour weeks I am like a single parent Monday-Friday, 0 breaks and it’s bloody fine! I EBF and I wouldn’t want to split the time even if I could somehow because I love being the mother and I think (as much as everyone disputes this) that a a mother is a completely different thing to a father. It’s not about exact equality - it’s about fairness. And complementing each other with your “jobs” in the relationship. Not point scoring and demanding exact splits down the middle.