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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

999 replies

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:23

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 20:56

Prt that's interesting you can get your baby to nap on cue and that you can also do it. Neither me nor kids can!

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 28/04/2019 20:56

At its worst I was trying to mother two children under two on two hours broken sleep a night. It was hell and if it wasn’t for my partner I’m not sure I would have survived it. I spent days in tears from exhaustion. If my partner expected eight hours unbroken sleep while I was in this state I would not be with him.

Absolutely this.

No man who is happy to watch his wife be sleep deprived every night and barely be able to function whilst he happily sleeps away for 8 hours because “He’s got to go to work” is not a man in my opinion.

Faithless12 · 28/04/2019 20:57

Yanbu op. Exdh used this line but still didn’t help when I went back to work. He worked at home and I had the important job. It’s ridiculous how many people still excused it, I didn’t but other than not soothing DS there was no way of changing it.

Dermymc · 28/04/2019 20:57

I breast fed both my children and my husband would sit up with me for many hours in the night when the baby just wouldn’t stop feeding.

This is madness. Why would you both choose to be tired?!

SauvignonBlanche · 28/04/2019 20:57

This thread: it’s like fucking pumping and bottles were never invented

Some of us didn’t want the hassle.

AgileLass · 28/04/2019 20:57

This thread: it’s like fucking pumping and bottles were never invented

Meh, pumping is double the work. Never felt worth it to me.

Teddybear45 · 28/04/2019 20:59

I think night feeds should be handled by the partner not working. If both partners are working then they should be shared 50/50. What I don’t understand is when you have a couple both working f/t where the mum still handles all the night feeds; that’s just stupidity. As for ‘my husband’s a surgeon’ etc - surgeons don’t often have surgeries booked everyday (specific days) so what about the rest of the week?

AuchAyeTheNo · 28/04/2019 20:59

YANBU

DH works in a job that can literally affect lives. He needs a decent sleep to be able to concentrate and do the job properly. My job thankfully does not affect people’s lives in such a way.

IF however the roles were reversed and it was my career that was dangerous then DH would do the night feeds

QueenofmyPrinces · 28/04/2019 21:00

I breast fed both my children and my husband would sit up with me for many hours in the night when the baby just wouldn’t stop feeding.

In case you were not being sarcastic, what is the actual point of that?

There was no ‘point’ but it was so nice to feel we were sharing the rough times together. He was a great moral and emotional support when things were really, really tough.

I could have told him 101 times to go to the spare room and get some sleep but he would never have done it because he’s not the sort of man to put himself first.

BogglesGoggles · 28/04/2019 21:00

The inequality goes both ways. Men are forced to continue working full time while their wives get to stay at home with their baby. I would much rather be at home with a he baby. Luckily, as a woman, this is seen positively and facilitated. For various reasons my husband couldn’t have been the one to stay at home (higher earner as men typically are, culturally unacceptable amongst people at large and within working culture taboo, not having breasts, laws that did not facilitate parental leave-this was a few years ago). I appreciate that some people prefer to not do baby duty but women get more choice than men (after 6 weeks when it’s possible to find childcare/they’ve recovered from birth that is).

QueenofmyPrinces · 28/04/2019 21:02

This is madness. Why would you both choose to be tired?!

I wasn’t choosing to be tired - my cluster feeding baby made that decision for me Grin

My husband wasn’t choosing to be tired either, he was choosing to share the rough times with me and unfortunately being tired was the consequence.

feduuup · 28/04/2019 21:02

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut like fuck would I have tried to pump enough milk to feed through the night, I'd have spent half the bloody day doing it!! Not to mention you lose out on so many of the benefits like them knackering themselves out and sending themselves to sleep through BF not guzzling a bottle.

feduuup · 28/04/2019 21:04

And I'm bloody laughing at the poster whose husband stayed awake with her that's the drippiest most counter intuitive parenting fail I've read.

Woolly17 · 28/04/2019 21:04

Doesn't it just depend on how your baby sleeps and feeds?? DD was EBF for 5 months. Of course I did the night feeds. Wasn't like DH could grow a set of boobs. However, he did his fair share of night nappies - he was a total champ!

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 28/04/2019 21:05

My husband wasn’t choosing to be tired either, he was choosing to share the rough times with me and unfortunately being tired was the consequence

Sounds like my husband...he used to go and get me a glass of water while i was feeding cos the midwife told him i needed to hydrated

I was much too afraid to drink it, worried about dropping it on the babys head

BogglesGoggles · 28/04/2019 21:06

Just wanted to add that sometimes, when I was really tired and didn’t wake (towards morning) DH would ‘breastfeed’ the babies by bringing them into the bed and helping them breastfeed while I was sleeping and them putting them back so it’s not completely impossible for fathers to feed breastfed babies. Just a bit weird.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2019 21:07

OP are the women you’re talking about all ff feeding? As the thread shows, how the baby is fed has a big impact on night feedings. But either way, most people have said maternity leave, especially with a first baby, is much less demanding than ft work, whatever that work is.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 28/04/2019 21:08

boggles

If dh grabbed my boobs while i was sleeping id probably kick him in the bollocks

Kick first and ask questions later Grin

woodhill · 28/04/2019 21:08

I did night feeds as I was breastfeeding with my first born and not working. My dh had to get up for work whereas I could get up later. I think it was fair enough in my situation.

lovelypumpkin · 28/04/2019 21:08

I get worked up about it because it's another example of inequality. Women expected to do all the night feeds while men can go back to work, have adult company and enjoy a full 8 hours sleep while women have to spend their day covered in puke with screaming kids and don't even get the luxury of sleep at the end of it... they're his kids too OP it sounds as though you are not happy about it in your situation - but as you can see not all women feel the same way as you - every situation is different. I did all the night stuff - was breastfeeding and expressing didn't produce enough - but was able to sleep when dc slept during the day at the time, so it worked fine for us. If you can't, then that is a problem, I can see that - could you talk to your dp about it, or if you are desperate to get back to work to have adult company and sort out child care if you really don't like it? It doesn't really matter what other people are doing and as far as I am concerned it is feck all to do with inequality - I chose to do what I did and loved it.

optimisticpessimist01 · 28/04/2019 21:09

I did all the night feeds during the week, DH would do them either one or both nights on the weekend.

I got up when the baby got up, whenever that was. DH had to be up at 5:30am every single weekday. In my eyes it was unfair to force him to give up on some sleep every night and make him even more shattered and exhausted than he already was. Some days I did nothing other than sit in my PJ's looking after DD and napped whenever she did, DH did not have that luxury.

It's each to their own and it will vary family to family, but YABVU to get cross when you see this happen.

QueenofmyPrinces · 28/04/2019 21:09

Sounds like my husband...he used to go and get me a glass of water while i was feeding cos the midwife told him i needed to hydrated

Smile

We used to sit up and watch Box Sets between the hours of 11pm - 3am in order to pass the time. My husband also used to stay awake to enable me to sleep whilst I was sitting up and feeding because he’d make sure I didn’t loosen my hold on the baby therefore making sure I didn’t drop it Grin

My little cat naps during the cluster feeding sessions were about the only thing that stopped me from going crazy I think.

Hugtheduggee · 28/04/2019 21:09

If you share the nights neither of you ends up really sleep deprived. Neither of you is a danger on the roads, or to your job, or your children. Both of you have a decent quality of life, both of you learn how to settle your child.

And isn't it funny how the only people with the 'important jobs' seem to be the precious men, whereas on return to work lots of women just get on with it and do the nights and a job.

I have no respect for a man who prioritises his own rest to the detriment of his partner, except for short periods and for very, very good reasons. And until maternity leave covers the entire time of disrupted nights, an important job doesn't cut it IMO.

feduuup · 28/04/2019 21:10

@Rufusthebewilderedreindeer me too! My babies could never latch on to me properly without my assistance, if he tried that they no doubt would have latched painfully which would have been a rude awakening for us all! I'd find that quite intrusive personally. Plus no way I'd not have woken.

optimisticpessimist01 · 28/04/2019 21:10

I did all the night feeds during the week, DH would do them either one or both nights on the weekend.

I got up when the baby got up, whenever that was. DH had to be up at 5:30am every single weekday. In my eyes it was unfair to force him to give up on some sleep every night and make him even more shattered and exhausted than he already was. Some days I did nothing other than sit in my PJ's looking after DD and napped whenever she did, DH did not have that luxury.

I wasn't choosing to be tired, I was choosing to do what was right for our family. I could get up as late as I wanted to, even just playing with DD in bed for an hour before we actually got up was like rest to me, whilst DH had been at work for an hour before we even got out of bed. It's got nothing to do with equality.

It's each to their own and it will vary family to family, but YABVU to get cross when you see this happen.

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