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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

999 replies

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:23

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

OP posts:
53rdWay · 28/04/2019 20:11

I think it depends how much broken sleep you get as well TeenTitans. If you get 7 hours at night and can nap during the day, you’re going to have a much easier time on mat leave than someone who manages 3 hours at night and can’t put the baby down during the day. Nobody can survive indefinitely on that amount of sleep, sofa day in PJs or not.

lovinglifexo · 28/04/2019 20:11

YABVVU.

if you are a SAHM you are literally “free” all day. It’s not popular to say on mumsnet but being a sham is not as hard as MOST jobs.

If ur SAH ur job is to do most of the caring of a child so it’s unreasonable to expect ur DH to wake up in the middle of the night to look after a baby when he needs to be up for 6 for example !

Same if it was a female working and a SAHD.

if unequal distribution of parenting annoys you so much, go back to work and split childcare 50/50

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 20:11

CherryCoke it is somewhat. While both of us prefer 10 hours sleep, we van survive on 5, at least temporarily without feeling too tired. We make sure each of us gets at least 5 every night, unless someone is unwell. That way while we may both not be 100%, neither of us is shattered.

OP posts:
KnifeAngel · 28/04/2019 20:12

My DH did about 90% of night feeds. He copes better than me with no sleep.

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 20:12

Lol you're not free all day, what rubbish.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 28/04/2019 20:13

Well you might have to do the school run too

HyHyHyena · 28/04/2019 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyDcAreMarvel · 28/04/2019 20:16

You have seven hours your dp has five and a half?

Popuppippa · 28/04/2019 20:16

Yep, I agree with pp's YABU.

Over the years we had our 4 children DH worked 12-14 hour days and needed instant mental acuity. I BF and did all the night feeds by rolling over in bed - anything else would have wasted both our energy.

During particularly demanding times for him, or if the baby was ill he'd sleep in the spare room. If I was really exhausted he would step in without question. I would have a 2 hour nap with the baby every day and at weekends DH would get up early with the children and I would lie in. As they got older we would alternate lie-ins.

It was especially important to me that he wasn't sleep deprived when driving long distances. We found a way to share the load and both get as much sleep as possible.

Whentrolleysattack · 28/04/2019 20:17

It makes sense for us for me to do the night feeds as was EBF and still BF and I didn't see the point us both being up and yes DH does need his sleep to be successful at work and for driving.

Saying that there have been times when I've literally been getting two hours total sleep a night for days (when DD ill etc - and she used to wake every 30 mins for months) and I think however easy mat leave is supposed to be it doesn't take away from the basic human need for more sleep than that - it's unsustainable. But then again I did survive and DH has never done a night feed! I was at the stage though of suggesting split shifts.

This thread does make me guilty for being a SAHM for time being as although I love it I do find it hard (and I used to work a stressful job with long hours!)

Is everyone thinking I just slob about all day? I definitely don't and I only have one!

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 28/04/2019 20:17

teen

Dh helped with the night feeds

He would get the babies from their cots and usually put them back again afterwards

Toodleoopuddle · 28/04/2019 20:18

Totally disagree. My husband works hard (as do I at home) and him being rested means that he can continue to do well at work, get promotions and develop his career. Also when he gets home I can happily pass him the baby knowing that he's had a whole nights sleep. At home I can stay in my pjs all day (haven't done this.yet) I can sleep when babies nap, eat all the cake, stick the tv on for a while for a chill.
We are a team but that doesn't mean we have to do exactly the same jobs.

ArabellaDoreenFig · 28/04/2019 20:21

It seems to me that it’s your own sexist assumptions that are making you cross OP.

feduuup · 28/04/2019 20:21

@TeenTitans I had PND, I was miserable and shattered. But what could my DH do? I was BF!! But even if I had of FF I wouldn't have woken him up unless I really needed help, it's part and parcel of me having the privilege of maternity leave (this was before split leave). He helped in other ways like taking DS1 to nursery so I could sleep in. He was working away most of the time DS1 was young.

As I say post maternity leave it's all been 50/50 because I worked, if I'd have been a SAHM I would have seen it as more my responsibly to wake in the night unless I was really struggling, but as much as I know being at home is emotionally exhausting it is not the same as physical exhaustion when you're supposed to be working to a certain standard in the work place.

53rdWay · 28/04/2019 20:21

I’m developing a theory that the biggest difference here is between those who could nap while the baby napped, and those who couldn’t.

LizzieSiddal · 28/04/2019 20:24

It’s was a bit difficult for my Dh to breastfeed.

Also, I always napped during the day with the baby. Doesn’t everyone?

Izzy12345 · 28/04/2019 20:25

Me and my hubby always have this convo and bless he always insists on doing the night shift although I am BF so all he can do is pick up and pass DS to me then settle back to sleep. After doing this for months and also it was necessary due to my bad back. I eventually stopped him and sometimes even tell him to go in spare room. I'm very much about equality with parenting and house chores but after my back was better and I just saw how exhausted my husband was I just said enough is enough. Yes I'm exhausted too and can't even get my words out sometimes but like others have said this is awful yes but ok as I'm on maternity leave.

LizzieSiddal · 28/04/2019 20:25

X posted 53rdWay, I expect you’re right.

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 20:25

Also, I always napped during the day with the baby. Doesn’t everyone?

No.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 28/04/2019 20:25

I think it's an unreasonable comparison. Lack of sleep could impact someone at work, driving, operating machinery, etc etc, very badly.

Passthecherrycoke · 28/04/2019 20:26

Not many people have been mentioned nap whilst the baby naps. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t consider that to be a myth.

But you can relax more at home, undoubtedly. After all, what are you OBLIGED to do every single day that compares to dressing smartly, commuting, making intelligent conversation, holding meetings, producing high quality output and making decisions?

Because on mat leave there was plenty I could do. But if I didn’t do it every day it was no big deal to have a quiet day and do very little.

Bookworm4 · 28/04/2019 20:26

OP
You sound very bitter.
I think 'we prefer 10 hrs sleep' is hilarious; before DC did you go to bed at 8pm?
If you are a Sahm I think night feeds are your job as the other person has to be fit and able for work.
Your DH works evenings and stays up until 5am and only gets 5 hrs sleep, he must be knackered at work.

feduuup · 28/04/2019 20:26

@LizzieSiddal I wasn't a napper really but marathon BF sessions in front of Netflix while consuming mountains of chocolate somehow got me through the burden of a "day's work" at home 😂

Shodan · 28/04/2019 20:26

XH, although severely annoying in many ways, was excellent with this. He insisted that he be 'on duty' every other night for the first few months so that I could sleep properly and allow my body to recover. Not only that but he would take the baby, in his Moses basket, downstairs so that I could sleep totally undisturbed.
He worked (works, still) minimum 10 hour days, plus travel , high earner in an important role which required concentration, and managed fine.

BUT- he is the kind of person who can do well on broken sleep, would wake up the instant ds2 woke and crucially, would fall back to sleep the minute ds2 did. Unlike me, who would take hours to fall asleep after, so would average 4 hours a night.

On the days following 'my' night, although I was in charge of the baby/housework etc, if I was tired, I rested. When ds2 napped, I napped. And XH never batted an eyelid if he came home and there was no dinner cooked, or the house was a mess, or I was a snotty, snivelling wreck.

I do think a lot of people cite their job as a reason to cop out of night duties, and I do think a lot of people pander to that, too. But there should be some balance- a woman's body needs time to reset after birth, and sleep is an important part of that. If a partner REALLY can't manage to do any night duties during their working week, then they should do both weekend nights, at least for the first few months.

Fluffiest · 28/04/2019 20:27

I ebf (bottle refuser) for a year so did all the night wakings. But DH would do a 9-12 shift at night so I could have a three hour sleep whilst he would let DD sleep on his chest whilst he watched telly downstairs. When she woke up for her feed he would pass her to me and go to bed.

He would also take her in the morning at around 6am so I could get a couple more hours before he went to work.

During the colic months he would come home from work and make tea for us and hold her whilst I ate first.

He also did his share of walking her around during weekend nights, and helped research all the colic cures.

I'm not trying to boast of how wonderful DH is but I'm trying to make the point that not doing night feeds is not the same as not being a committed and involved parent.