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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

999 replies

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:23

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 16:35

Yeah because your husband starts work in the evening! I doubt it would work so well if he was getting up at six! Go away judging people who have different lives to you.

He works 11 until 7. Sometimes does 9 until 5. He does his share regardless because they're his kids too and his need for sleep isn't above my need for sleep.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 16:36

It's usually the women who gave up their lives and matyred themselves who have to believe that there's something in it, somehow

So basically your life is miserable and you’re trying to make yourself feel better by spouting utter shite Grin

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 16:38

How did you get that Jacques? I'm talking about the women who act like there's something special about female parenthood that men can't possibly understand.

OP posts:
LaCastafiore · 29/04/2019 16:39

He does his share regardless because they're his kids too and his need for sleep isn't above my need for sleep.

I take it you work full time too then, don't you.
If you want a fair share, then you split everything equally. You can't have it both way, and relay on his salary to support you, how would that be fair.

I am sticking to my year maternity leave personally!

TheInvestigator · 29/04/2019 16:39

@Dungeondragon15

FFS. So when I say the SAHP should be doing the majority, you tell me I'm wrong. And when I say that the working parent should still actually be doing some of them, you tell me that won't work because of breastfeeding. So basically, it's impossible to be right in your eyes. You just want to argue.

When breastfeeding, I was able to express easily and both my kids would take from bottle and breast. Not an issue for me. Lots of people are able to express and baby will take bottle and breast. But then lots of people cannot express or baby won't take a bottle, so they don't have the option if sharing the night feeds. But that's part of having a baby. It's a risk you're aware of before you have one and if you choose to have one anyway and choose to breastfeed, then don't moan about doing the night feeds.

crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2019 16:39

Your last post is hilarious! You started a whole thread to woman bash women who do things differently to you, to make yourself feel superior or better or whatever it is you need, under the guise of concern for women or some such nonsense.

JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 16:39

How did you get that Jacques? I'm talking about the women who act like there's something special about female parenthood that men can't possibly understand

Your posts. Much like how anyone gets any conclusion on a thread. I’m sorry for you to be honest.

LaCastafiore · 29/04/2019 16:40

I'm talking about the women who act like there's something special about female parenthood that men can't possibly understand.

might have something to do with the fact that women are the ones who experience pregnancy, child birth and breast feeding and there are some biological base on that notion.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 16:40

I work full time by being a SAHM. I do the housework, sort the kids medical appointments (of which there are many, but that's obviously specific to us), cook, clean, take the kids out, wash his clothes, get his suits ready. I do everything domestic, he does everything out of the home. We both get a similar amount of sleep.

OP posts:
RomanyQueen1 · 29/04/2019 16:41

You know you are going to have sleepless nights, if I was at work and dh a sahd I'd be expecting him to do most of the domestics and childcare tbh.

Mine did most night feeds because it was when he was coming in, had he not been it would have been up to me as a sahm.

LaCastafiore · 29/04/2019 16:41

So basically your life is miserable and you’re trying to make yourself feel better by spouting utter shite grin

834 posts and yes, that's exactly that Grin

saganorenscarandcoat · 29/04/2019 16:41

I did all night feeds happily as didn't have to get up and drive somewhere early in the morning and act like a fully functioning adult who could make decisions other than what shit to watch on telly

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 16:41

Your posts. Much like how anyone gets any conclusion on a thread. I’m sorry for you to be honest.

Well that's an incorrect conclusion. Keep feeling sorry for me, I'm sure my non sleep deprived, happy self really needs that.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 16:42

might have something to do with the fact that women are the ones who experience pregnancy, child birth and breast feeding and there are some biological base on that notion.

Not everyone breastfeeds. And I don't think experiencing pregnancy makes you a better parent personally.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 16:42

I'm sure my non sleep deprived, happy self really needs that

Have you heard the old adage about protesting too much Grin

JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 16:43

I work full time by being a SAHM. I do the housework, sort the kids medical appointments (of which there are many, but that's obviously specific to us), cook, clean, take the kids out, wash his clothes, get his suits ready. I do everything domestic

What were you saying about martyring yourself?

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 16:43

Jacques your attempts to insult me are getting childish now. As I said, you're welcome to your opinion. It doesn't affect me. I'll stay doing what works for me 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 16:44

Except I don't think that by doing those things, I am a better parent or mother and I expect my pay to be as good a nights sleep as he gets. Which is what I get!

OP posts:
LaCastafiore · 29/04/2019 16:45

I work full time by being a SAHM.

So I work 2 jobs by being a working mum? Interesting... Grin

JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 16:45

I'll stay doing what works for me

And yet you’re getting irritated by what works for other people. 🙄

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 16:45

I'm irritated at the justification and implication.

OP posts:
TheInvestigator · 29/04/2019 16:46

"Get his suits ready".

Omg. That's not a job. I know I will get torn apart for that, but you look down on women who do all the night feeds... And I look down on women who do all the "wifework" and call it a job. People with such opposing views will never see eye to eye on what real work is.

I'm a lone parent. I work full time and handle everything at home, all life admin, all medical stuff, all housework, everything. I would absolutely love it if all I had to worry about was the house stiff and life admin. That's not a job.

KOKOagainandagain · 29/04/2019 16:46

I don't think that some posters realise what sleep deprivation really is. They seem to think that all babies (newborn) = sleep deprivation so all mothers know what it feels like. No, no, no.

There is tolerable and intolerable. Tolerable sleep deprivation (like having a newborn) is not used as a method of torture because, well, it is tolerable. However, sleep deprivation can be used as a method of torture if it crosses the bounds into what is physically intolerable. It doesn't matter what your belief system is. A certain amount of sleep is a physical need, just like a certain amount of food or water. If you don't get it, there will be consequences.

The problem with a fixed mindset is that it is fixed and resistant to day to day realities and this is a minefield for a recently birthed woman (especially in a social system that privileges paid work (often done by men)) with sleep deprivation and possible PND to navigate especially when societal messages imply that she should feel somehow privileged.

Free labour is great and can be seen to point a way forward where the motivation for labour is love rather than economic reward within a capitalist system but only where free giving is valued.

Stressedmummyof4 · 29/04/2019 16:47

I have done all night feeds with my kids except for at weekends when my hubby had day off, he drives a hgv for a living and I think it's far more important that he has full sleep to keep himself and everyone else on the road safe. I've seen the damage a tired driver can cause especially when it's a lorry with a 40ft full trailer attached.

shitholiday2018 · 29/04/2019 16:50

I’m throwing this out there. I do think that there is something intuitive in some women (not all) which kicks in when they have children, an empathy, a gut instinct. I think I had this. It was also heightened by the fact that I was at home until they went to pre school. We were utterly in tune. I could see their needs before they did. Like a pp, at night I just awoke bolt upright when they cried, when usually you could drive a train across me sleeping. And because I was at home I could settle them far quicker as primary carer who did it 50x a day. I accept it’s not like that for all women though.

My husband is awesome but did not have that intuitive instinct kick in. He had to learn. He found it harder. He did not carry them and feel as I did, genuinely (even now) that thry are extension of my own body.

We are different from men in some ways which are bloody awesome. I celebrate that whilst trying to whittle away at some of the innate and inexplicable discrimination.