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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

999 replies

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:23

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 16:04

No, I'm saying that no one should be that sleep deprived in the first place

Of course. But isn’t that then down to a couple to work out?

I wasn’t sleep deprived doing night wakings. I needed very little sleep to feel well. Of course that isn’t the same for everyone, but neither is there always “parent doing night wakings is on their knees whilst daddy skips off to work”.

BookwormMe2 · 29/04/2019 16:04

Interestingly, I get women with kids the same age as my dc asking me how I manage to look so well and seem so calm. I've realised, it's because I'm not married to a man from the 1940s!

What a goady and smug thing to say. OF COURSE it's our partners and husbands forcing us to do all the night feeds ourselves and we have no say in the matter. Hmm You just don't want to accept anyone but you is right in this argument.

TheInvestigator · 29/04/2019 16:05

@Dungeondragon15

My youngest was 4 weeks old when my ex left. I have a 2 year old and a 4 week old and I was alone. I also was running a business and he was meant to be the stay at home parent, so I worked full time and did all night feeds alone. I know what it's like, more than most. If I had still been in a partnership, I would not have been doing night feed after night feed when I had to work.

cushioncovers · 29/04/2019 16:05

My exh drove a lorry long distances every day. He was gone at 4am and got home at 5pm. Then he worked Saturday mornings as well. He needed sleep and yes I found it bloody frustrating that it was always me getting up but I felt it would of been dangerous for him to be driving on the road exhausted. So I just got on and done all the night feeds for both kids.

TapasForTwo · 29/04/2019 16:05

By 6 months the baby will quite often sleep through the night and it is really important both parents benefit from the 'feeding time' before this. It definitely helps develop a closer bond between parents and child I would hate for my partner not to have this experience. I also think subconsciously the baby is aware of this.

Not sure I agree with this.

  1. Not all 6 month old babies will sleep through the night
  2. Many babies are still EBF at 6 months and won't take a bottle
  3. I don't believe that feeding a baby necessarily creates a closer bond. There are other ways that both parents can bond with their babies.
gubbsywubbsy · 29/04/2019 16:07

Being at home with the baby is not the same as working out of the home . You can sleep when they sleep ... I didn't let my dh do night feeds because he has a very stressful job and needs sleep .. he did the 10 pm and I did the rest .. I had no issue with it .. if my dh was an arse who said he wouldn't do it I may be cross but he isn't 🤷‍♀️

crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2019 16:09

I don’t understand why people want to make being a mother the same as being a father. They aren’t the fucking same. My husband will never ever be able to understand the love I feel for my son - there just isn’t a way. It’s a completely separate thing and frankly it’s a huge honour to be a mother and I am sad for my son in a way that he will never know it himself.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 16:09

TheInvestigator No one in our house is sleep deprived because usually, we split it. Currently I've been unwell with pneumonia plueirsy and a broken rib and so my partner has shock horror done all the nights, as I've been on morphine. So he is a bit tired, as am I due to illness. But normally, we split it fairly. So no it's not just a consequence of having a baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 16:10

My husband will never ever be able to understand the love I feel for my son - there just isn’t a way. It’s a completely separate thing and frankly it’s a huge honour to be a mother and I am sad for my son in a way that he will never know it himself.

How fucking patronising. Loving your kids isn't gender specific.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2019 16:13

How fucking patronising. Loving your kids isn't gender specific.

Completely different love from each parent. Don’t even know how it’s possible to argue with that.

starzig · 29/04/2019 16:15

Have you thought about a wet nurse. Then you can both stay in your pit.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/04/2019 16:16

My youngest was 4 weeks old when my ex left. I have a 2 year old and a 4 week old and I was alone. I also was running a business and he was meant to be the stay at home parent, so I worked full time and did all night feeds alone.

So did you expect your ex to do all the nights feeds as he was the SAHD?

I know what it's like, more than most. If I had still been in a partnership, I would not have been doing night feed after night feed when I had to work.

The fact that you did all the nightfeeds from when your youngest was 4 weeks doesn't mean you know about extreme sleep deprivation. Some babies sleep quite well. If you did suffer from sleep deprivation you still think it is blindingly obvious that the working parent should not have to contribute then you have no common sense.

ethelfleda · 29/04/2019 16:16

By 6 months the baby will quite often sleep through the night

Ahahhahahahaaa ya ha hhahahahhahhaaaaaaaaaaa

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 16:17

Completely different love from each parent. Don’t even know how it’s possible to argue with that.

Unless you've been both a mum and a dad, I don't see how you can say that

OP posts:
Lichtie · 29/04/2019 16:18

"crispysausagerolls

I don’t understand why people want to make being a mother the same as being a father. They aren’t the fucking same. My husband will never ever be able to understand the love I feel for my son - there just isn’t a way."

Never heard such utter nonsense in my life.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 16:19

It's usually the women who gave up their lives and matyred themselves who have to believe that there's something in it, somehow.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2019 16:25

It's usually the women who gave up their lives and matyred themselves who have to believe that there's something in it, somehow.

Incredible how much of a vicious, woman-hating statement this is from someone whose whole thread purports to be supporting women.

TheInvestigator · 29/04/2019 16:27

Dungeondragon15,

As I've said repeatedly I think the stay at home parent should do them on work nights and the working parent should do the night feeds on non-working nights.
The working parent should also be doing the last feed so the SAHP can go to bed and get the first few hours uninterrupted. And the working parent should do the morning feed before they go to work so they stay at home parent can lie in.

Tightarseparent1 · 29/04/2019 16:27

Incredible how much of a vicious, woman-hating statement this is from someone whose whole thread purports to be supporting women

Isn’t it just.....

BookwormMe2 · 29/04/2019 16:28

crispysausagerolls I think the OP only supports women who run their lives according to her rules. Anyone who doesn't is either martyred or married to someone from 1940. Hmm

swingofthings · 29/04/2019 16:30

I think it's more that a lot of women resent being under appreciated while also being the responsible and reliable one
I don't agree with that. I'm amazed how men going to work 40h in addition to commuting are taken for granted as if they can't be doing anything that tiring at work that is more exhausting then looking after a couple of children.

Some sahm are taken for granted as much as some working fathers are. It's neither gender nor role specific.

MN must have an abnormal ratio of demanding babies because when my kids were not sleeping through the nights, almost all my friends babies were, which was quite discouraging as I felt so jealous!

Tightarseparent1 · 29/04/2019 16:32

TheInvestigator No one in our house is sleep deprived because usually, we split it

Yeah because your husband starts work in the evening! I doubt it would work so well if he was getting up at six! Go away judging people who have different lives to you.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 16:34

It's woman hating to criticise women who think that by breastfeeding, growing their own granola and never letting their husband do a night feed by calling them martyrs for suggesting that men can never love their children as much as they do, is it? And for pointing out the implication that women who do those things don't love their children as much as they do either? It's very transparent what your point is. You think you're a better mother and that only mothers love their children in a specific way. When no one else has said such a thing.

OP posts:
Tightarseparent1 · 29/04/2019 16:34

In fact this whole thread is pointless because of that...

Dungeondragon15 · 29/04/2019 16:35

As I've said repeatedly I think the stay at home parent should do them on work nights and the working parent should do the night feeds on non-working nights.

If the non-working parents gets up 8 times a night for five nights they will still be dangerously sleep deprived if they aren't able to sleep in the day so still a very bad idea.

The working parent should also be doing the last feed so the SAHP can go to bed and get the first few hours uninterrupted. And the working parent should do the morning feed before they go to work so they stay at home parent can lie in.

That's not going to work if the stay at home parent is breastfeeding though is it?