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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

999 replies

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:23

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

OP posts:
Planetian · 29/04/2019 15:01

Agree. Who cares if your DH is irritable at work a day or two a week - would that not be preferable to his wife snapping at his baby due to chronic sleep deprivation? I didn't recognise myself in the year after DD2 was born, I became a horrible person due to the fact she never slept and if she did you could be guaranteed her sister would wake. I did every single night waking (it's one of the reasons my relationship is on the way out). If we had shared the burden I would have been much more able to handle the grind. I laugh at people who think I can nap - not possible when you have multiple children.

I think it's way more important that a mum has sufficient rest because raising a tiny human properly is more important than most people's shitty jobs. Being tired a day or two per week isn't going to have a detrimental effect on anything, but being beyond exhaustion for months with no respite will cause all manner of issues - physical, emotional, mental and relationship. It's patriarchy that enables it, pure and simple.

Planetian · 29/04/2019 15:07

"being a wohp when sleep deprived is more challenging then staying at home."

Absolutely don't agree with this. I've done both when very, very sleep deprived and found the opposite. When I worked my job was pressured but it wasn't half as challenging as dealing with two under two screaming at me and clambering all over me all day. I could easily keep my temper at work but was bubbling with rage at home.

Yes getting up and out in the mornings was more challenging but that was the hard part over.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 15:16

So in an ideal world what would you like to see? I assume in these discussions you see, "I do the night feeds as DH works" is an aside for context to a wider issue. A shorthand. Should people instead be saying "I do the night feeds because I am breastfeeding" (a bold thing to admit these days past the early weeks as any mention of bf is considered "shaming" of mums who don't, especially in relation to a context like night feeding where by mentioning the practical upshot you are "being a martyr")?

Since when is saying you breastfeed shaming women who don't? I don't breastfeed. I did originally but for various reasons it didn't work for us. I don't get offended by other women saying they breastfeed.

Saying you feed because you breastfeed is fine, as is because his job involves something like lorry driving. But let's be honest, most men do not have life or death jobs. Most are accountants, managers, Tesco workers, car salesmen etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 15:19

Also lol at lazy day when sleep deprived. A lazy day doesn't sort it. When I'm sleep deprived I feel viscerally depressed, like nothing is right with the world. Moving is physically painful and I can barely crawl to the bathroom. Aye, a pyjamas day will fix that when it's for weeks on end!

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 29/04/2019 15:19

Another point lacking here is the fact that in some jobs mistakes made at work can result in dismissal.....

I am sure l am not the only one invested in my DH's career that keeps the roof over our heads.....

Before Dcs this was never considered as if he lost a job l could provide just fine........the vast majority of families cannot afford the only earner to lose his job and it is a real worry.

My Dh's role is such that he is likely to be let go on the back of 2 or 3 bad judgements, l am sure there are many jobs like this

.No one ever sacked a SAHM for being unable to cope well due to tiredness..

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 15:21

No one ever sacked a SAHM for being unable to cope well due to tiredness..
Not at all, just dropping a baby on it's head or falling asleep holding one.

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 29/04/2019 15:22

Or maybe: "I do the night feeds because DH works, in a job which requires a long commute/manual handling/life-threatening chemicals/whatever not a bog standard office job, and we had a discussion where we agreed I have it easier in the daytime so I'd do nights then he'll give me two lie-ins on the weekend" or "I do nights because DH works and my mum pops in most afternoons and takes DC out while I nap for a couple of hours" or whatever long-winded process by which they individually arrive at that point. Do you not think that would be a bit faffy?

It's not more faffy to say "I do all the night feeds because DH is an pilot/surgeon (or whatever) than it is to say that you do all the night feeds because your DH works.The stuff about discussion is unnecessary. It is the generalisations about why people do all the night awakeness that cause the problems and increase societal pressure on other women to suffer from sleep deprivation.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/04/2019 15:27

No one ever sacked a SAHM for being unable to cope well due to tiredness.

Some things are worse than the sack though. What if your baby is injured because you drop them or fall asleep on them? What if you crash the car? My friends mother flooded the house because she fell asleep after turning a tap on. Sleep deprivation can have pretty serious consequences whether or not you are doing a paid job.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 15:42

Sleep deprivation can have pretty serious consequences

I fell asleep at the top of the stairs holding DS1 once, it was what made me put him in his own room.

OP posts:
ChocChocButtons · 29/04/2019 15:42

It’s not inequality, it’s common sense. My boss did nights whilst on mat leave. When she went back to work my male boss did nights for a few months so she could get her sleep.

They then hired me and I sleep trained the baby but that’s another issue.

TheInvestigator · 29/04/2019 15:42

@TeenTitans

That feeling you described when you're sleep deprived... Would you be able to get up at 6am, shower, dress, make breakfast, get in the car and drive to work then put in a full day at a job with only a lunch hour and a couple of 15 minutes breaks, then come home and continue being bright and bubbly and get stuck in with helping with dinner and bath time and hen start all over again when the baby wakes at night... And then do it the next morning and the next and the next? Because that's what you're saying should be the norm... whilst also saying you can't even get yourself to the bathroom when you're sleep deprived. But the working parent should do the feeds and get on with work?

When one parent works and one stays at home all day, it's blindingly obvious who should be doing the night feeds. On non-working nights the working parent should step in, but when they need to go to work, they can't be up 8 times during the night.

MamaDane · 29/04/2019 15:49

I do understand it in some cases, because yes being at home with the kids doesn't require the same focus as.. say a surgeon, or a bus driver, who both need to be alert otherwise they may quite literally kill people.

That said, my DP (a woman) has a lovely flexible desk job and we will both do night feeds even though I'm home with the twins during the day Wink

crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2019 15:51

Lots of people on here who seem to resent being mothers.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 15:53

Lots of people on here who seem to resent being mothers.

Where do you get that idea? I love my kids and would do anything for them. Would 100% have them all again.

Does that mean i want to be a single parent while my partner gets to live his life unchanged? No.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 15:54

That feeling you described when you're sleep deprived... Would you be able to get up at 6am, shower, dress, make breakfast, get in the car and drive to work then put in a full day at a job with only a lunch hour and a couple of 15 minutes breaks, then come home and continue being bright and bubbly and get stuck in with helping with dinner and bath time and hen start all over again when the baby wakes at night... And then do it the next morning and the next and the next? Because that's what you're saying should be the norm... whilst also saying you can't even get yourself to the bathroom when you're sleep deprived. But the working parent should do the feeds and get on with work?

No, I'm saying that no one should be that sleep deprived in the first place.

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 29/04/2019 15:54

That feeling you described when you're sleep deprived... Would you be able to get up at 6am, shower, dress, make breakfast, get in the car and drive to work then put in a full day at a job with only a lunch hour and a couple of 15 minutes breaks, then come home and continue being bright and bubbly and get stuck in with helping with dinner and bath time and hen start all over again when the baby wakes at night..

Considering noone is suggesting the working person does all the night feeds Isn't that irrelevant? Why would they be that sleep deprived because they are sharing the load.

When one parent works and one stays at home all day, it's blindingly obvious who should be doing the night feeds. On non-working nights the working parent should step in, but when they need to go to work, they can't be up 8 times during the night.

It's not blindingly obvious to me that a SAHM should be up 8 times a night while the working person gets uninterrupted sleep. That sounds stupid and dangerous. The fact that you even think it is a good idea shows you know nothing about sleep deprivation.

CheekyCharx · 29/04/2019 15:55

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Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 15:56

Lol if I was up 8 times a night, every night, I wouldn't be capable of looking after myself let alone the kids.

Interestingly, I get women with kids the same age as my dc asking me how I manage to look so well and seem so calm. I've realised, it's because I'm not married to a man from the 1940s!

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 29/04/2019 15:57

YABU
And it doesn't have anything to go with inequality and feminism.
Mind you, I had no trouble sleeping in the day. As soon as they were napping, I was too!!

crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2019 15:57

and it is really important both parents benefit from the 'feeding time' before this

If it was actually biologically important, men would produce milk too.

MamaDane · 29/04/2019 15:57

I think it's more that a lot of women resent being under appreciated while also being the responsible and reliable one. A lot of women are expected to just do this and that with little in return, meanwhile it seems like people don't have nearly the same expectations or high standards for their male partners, while men often get praised for.. Idk braiding their daughter's hair for example, meanwhile it's something mums wouldn't be praised for.

PerfectPeony2 · 29/04/2019 15:59

By 6 months the baby will quite often sleep through the night

Shock I wish this were true for me. 10 months and no end in sight.

LaCastafiore · 29/04/2019 16:01

Ultimately, YABU

because to get crossed about other people's choice is ridiculous, it's none of your business.
You expect your partner to share the nights AND go to work full time whilst you stay home on maternity leave, fine. Your problem. I can't say I really care how you manage your shifts.

I do think it's a ridiculous and unfair solution, and it makes more sense if the stay at home PARENT does the night shift, or most of them. I don't get crossed because people have other opinion. Why do you care so much about other couples exactly?

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 16:01

It's the thing of how my partner gets praise in the office for constantly talking about his kids and people always saying what a loving dad he is, while if a woman did that she'd be a baby bore. The bar for men is so much lower.

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TheInvestigator · 29/04/2019 16:02

@TeenTitans

Well honey, having a baby means you will be. What do you want? Someone to give you a sleeping tablet for your baby every night?

We all knew that having a baby meant 6 months to a year of very little sleep. At least. It's a choice you make. If you don't want to deal with it then for have kids but dealing with night feeding and a baby who won't sleep for more than an hour is part of having a baby. Before you have that baby, you and your partner should have decided who would stay home and who would work. Who would take on the majority of night feeds and who would only do weekends.

But simply saying that no one should be that sleep deprived... well, what's your plan Then?

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