To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

But my point is that it is widely EXPECTED for this to happen irrespective of the mothers health and wellbeing.

Yes, I think this is the point that many posters are not getting. It may work for them to always be the one that gets up in the night but if they say that they do it just because their partner does a paid job then they are helping to increase societies expectations that men who work should have an undisturbed nights sleep and that puts pressure on other women.

Which is every night until the baby is 1 then.

Yeah, because every baby sleeps through like an angel from age 1.

But you chose to be a mummy and thats what being a Mummy is all about!

It's the expectation that's the problem, as I've said repeatedly.

Mums deal with enough guilt without other mums like you piling on them.

Conversly, mums have enough guilt without other mums making them feel that they are being very unreasonable to expect their partners to actually get up in the night even though they have a paid job.

But you chose to be a mummy and thats what being a Mummy is all about!

Please say this is being sarcastic lmao.

Alert!

Incredibly unhelpful opinions ahead:

This whole thread makes me so relieved that I decided early on never to have children and I suspect it's a big reason as to why the birthrate is dropping in many western nations.

To repeat my previous point, I work in a stressful and high-risk industry and due to my schedule I work through months of sleep-deprivation. I can function well enough.

Furthermore, most of my colleagues are men and they work with the same or similar sleep-deprived schedules for months on end. Can you guess how well they function with chronic lack of sleep?

Answer: Just as well as I can.

Additionally, a (male/working) partner does not "help" with raising children. They are his children too and I can't understand the mental twists and turns some posters go through to make the neglect of their own children okay.

Single parents also work and deal with whatever children need at night. Men haven't got a single good excuse to lack off and neglect their own children. If they wanted children they are at least 50% responsible for their care, unless they parents alone, then it becomes a 100%

'because the default assumption shouldn't be that one party does it all.'

Different things world for different families. I've no doubt there's many things you do that other wouldn't.

It is indisputable imo that no matter how busy a day is when a sahp it is not as pressured (when sleep deprived) as commuting and working within the strict expectations and guidelines of employment

And it isn't your default assumption, so you don't. It isn't a lot of people on this thread's default assumption either, so they don't. So even if it is their default assumption, the important question surely is whether they have a problem or not. If they're weeping with exhaustion and saying they desperately need sleep but their husband works so can't do nights, and you honestly think it has never occurred to them he might be able to manage on less sleep - then you could do the charitable thing and let them know there are other options. But unless the women you mention are denied access to media or the prevailing opinions of the day regarding equal parenting, why would you assume it was a "default" rather than a decision (you know, like the informed one you made?)

Work*

CaptSkippy I don’t think those are unhelpful opinions I think they make sense. However they are my opinions too so I guess I’m biased

I can't understand the mental twists and turns some posters go through to make the neglect of their own children okay.

Seriously? Have I misunderstood you? You think the woman doing night feeds instead of the dad means she's culpable in her children being neglected??

Both. My kids aren't predictable nappers and I find it impossible to sleep when it's light

But lots of people can sleep when it’s light. Me included! Your getting pissed off and judging people with completely different lives to you. Maybe you should concentrate on what works for you instead of getting self righteous about people that have completely different set of circumstances.

It’s like being pissed off that other people’s husbands don’t cook an evening meal when yours does when their wives are more than happy to cook because they like it, kids eat it, they prefer it ect..

BarbadosBrenda
It is indisputable imo that no matter how busy a day is when a sahp it is not as pressured (when sleep deprived) as commuting and working within the strict expectations and guidelines of employment
What on earth does "indisputable in my opinion" mean? It's either objectively true and therefore indisputable or it's a subjective opinion and can be disputed. It's the latter in case you were wondering and IMO working and commuting can be less stressful in lots of cases. My husband has a long daily commute, works a stressful job and agrees.

@Dungeondragon12

Saying what they do and why is not the same as criticising what you do and why

It's the bloody bf/FF thing all over again. Women can't say "I breastfeed because I think the evidence shows it's best for my baby and I feel like it improves our bond" without getting slapped by mothers who choose differently for "shaming" them. And get told by ebf in demand they are martyred, surrendered, don't have alife anymore etc etc. There seems to be strong societal suspicion of mothers who prefer to attend to their young babies' needs almost exclusively, and huge social pressure for them to shut up about that particular experience of motherhood, because people who do differently perceive this as a commentary on their own decisions and priorities. It is very oppressive in my view, and particularly funny when framed as a resistance of social pressure and the patriarchy, because of course it serves both the patriarchy and capitalism to separate mothers as much as possible from their babies (don't co-sleep or bf, mother's body needs to be made available again to the sexual needs of the father in the marital bed; get back to work ASAP so the economy has another functional unit). Attentive motherhood is not regressive, it's a radical refusal of sexual and economic commodification.

For me

I do all night feeds unless DH doesn't have work then we split it up depending on who is more tired! As much as I'd love him to do it in the week he does have to be up earlier than me and concentrate more all day. Baby is work too of course but can coast by with less concentration if needed. When I am back at work too i fully expect a more even split as we will be out working the same amount

I have a long commute. It’s by train, and I read a book and drink coffee. Sometimes I nap. It’s great. Way easier than walking the house with a screaming colicky baby.

But you chose to be a mummy and thats what being a Mummy is all about!
Holding out hope this is a joke, incase it's not, I didn't I choose to have children with a grown adult man and share the care of said children.

I think a bit of normality and a reminder of the OP is basically needed here.

Some parents agree that whoever is on ML does all the night feeds and that’s fine.

Some DHs just can’t sleep when feeing is going on, want to help, that’s fine too.

Some DHs must sleep the whole night undisturbed to be in a fit state to work the next day such is the criticality of their job.

HOWEVER

The attitude that a man’s work is so previous and revered he must not be disturbed in the night ever is not ok.

The attitude that going out to work is of higher moral value than the domestic load is not ok.

The attitude that men must be allowed to sleep and that night feeds are strictly wifework (by virtue of not wishing to engage with bottle feeding etc) is not ok.

And finally - the whole point I think the OP is trying to make - is that good for you if it works for you but beware of setting a precedent that will fuck you up when you get back to work.

I'm a radical socialist too name which is why I find it quite alarming that don't understand the pressures and basic socialization that underpins comments like "I do it because my husband works".

Bottle fed both DC and dh did 80% of the night feeds during his 2 weeks paternity leave then two nights a week until the night feeds stopped.

Controversial thing to say but no way was I breastfeeding and doing all the night feeds. After bad night's with my babies I came very close to just walking out of the house and carrying on walking and walking.....and walking. I did not cope at all with sleep deprivation and those two nights a week kept me from being seriously ill.

I do think YABU

For us, I did all the night feeds when our baby was tiny/in the first few months- my DH was working FT and often had early starts to travel places etc

Yes it was tiring for me, but I made sure I always took a nap during the day, when the baby was sleeping and there were many times I was just snoozing on the sofa in my pyjamas, thanking my lucky stars I was on maternity leave and not having to haul myself to work!

Well said, Namestheyareachangin. Women shouldn't be made to feel bad about wanting to be there almost exclusively for their baby's needs, like it's a shameful thing.

Just to add- at weekends and if DH was working from home/more locally, he would often do the night feeds to give me a break, so it wasn't all one way!

Paul that's exactly what I was saying. Maybe I didn't word it properly because no one seems to be getting that bar a handful of posters.