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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

999 replies

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:23

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 13:40

due to practical issues or just sleep patterns?

Both. My kids aren't predictable nappers and I find it impossible to sleep when it's light.

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 29/04/2019 13:41

Most jobs require a refreshed parent to keep the money coming in when family life starts.

Most families require a refreshed SAHP that doesn’t accidentally fall asleep on the sofa with their baby, is able to wake up if their baby is distressed or having difficulty breathing. Who doesn’t crash their car on the school run or - as has happened - is so exhausted that they forget they haven’t dropped their baby off at nursery and have left them in their rear facing car seat.

Babies have literally died as a direct result of severe sleep deprivation. But hey, much more important that my DH doesn’t make a coding error while working with PHP, I guess.
🙄

Benes · 29/04/2019 13:43

Babies, the majority, take naps
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I bloody wish.

Namestheyareachangin · 29/04/2019 13:45

@FookMe

I'm sorry you're struggling. As I say everyone is different. At no point have I said working outside the home automatically entitled one parent to do no night wakes/other parenting at the expense of the other. What I'm arguing with is the suggestion it is always a derilection if duty for a WOTH parent not to do night wakings, and women who do the nights because their husband has a job are somehow being unreasonable. They're not saying YOUR husband shouldn't because HE has a job. You need him to, and he is able to and happy to. It would be absurd for him not to.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2019 13:45

The point is simple.

Each family should do what is best for THEM ALL AS A FAMILY

So Mum doing all night waking with first child so Dad sleeps enough to perform complex rain surgery and both are happy. Cool.

Mom is SAHP but Dad copes on little sleep so does all niight wakings. Both are happy. Cool.

It's shared. It's not shared. He does it. She does it. They hired a night nurse. Mil moved in. They're happy? Cool.

However if one parent is dying on their feet and the other parent doesn't help, that's not ok.

It shouldn't be more complex than that.

Moonchild1987 · 29/04/2019 13:46

@BarbadosBrenda true I guess it does depend on the person. I am the type to always put a lot of pressure on my self and feel I need to constantly deliver 500% of myself

AloneLonelyLoner · 29/04/2019 13:47

I ebf 5 children so obviously did all nights. I now work full time in a very demanding job and my husband gets up during the night when necessary and most home tasks, I couldn't do my job if I were tired. I'd end up making mistakes and in prison! It's that kind of job.

If you ebf then that's a choice you make and I made it. I refused to formula feed so I could sleep more or share more. I saw the 'mothering' as my job. Not any more. It's a hell of a lot different being tired at home and sticking CBeebies on than being tired at the office and writing contracts badly or operating on a person badly or driving a bus. Very different. If you choose to be a full time parent then that's the job you choose.

Namestheyareachangin · 29/04/2019 13:49

Can we all just agree all babies are different, all parents are different and all families are different, and all mutually agreed arrangements re sleep are valid as long as they work for that family, those parents and that baby, and noone is ruined or resentful? And that any partner who is happy to watch their partner suffer for their own comfort is not a good partner?

Biolama · 29/04/2019 13:50

During my 8 months of mat leave, i watched EVERYTHING on Netflix and napped sometimes and chilled out with other mums and babies and went into town shopping and just chilled out. Maternity leave was a lovely break and I’m looking forward to getting to do that again. You are being so unreasonable and downright lazy if you want your partners to do your jobs as well as his own.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 13:51

They're all valid. My problem is the justification that he works being the reason for it.

OP posts:
BookwormMe2 · 29/04/2019 13:51

I read the first eight or nine pages then had to post. OP, it's easy to be smug that your DH helps with night feeds but surely his working pattern makes it far easier for you? He can do the early morning feeds because he works nights and catches up on his sleep during the morning/day when all those other dads are at work. Your situation isn't the same as most posters.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 13:53

You are being so unreasonable and downright lazy

Yes how unreasonable to expect him to parent as well. Silly me.

OP posts:
HenSolo · 29/04/2019 13:54

BarbadosBrenda of course I’m defensive! For the four years I have been a mother I have been laughed at for saying it’s the hardest work I have ever done. Laughed at while I was suicidal! I chose to be a mother so fuck me, right?

And yes if it works for a family for the mother to do all the night wakings then go for your life. But my point is that it is widely EXPECTED for this to happen irrespective of the mothers health and wellbeing.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 13:54

DH helps with night feeds but surely his working pattern makes it far easier for you?

He sometimes works 9-5 and still does his share then. We always split it. It's not just my job.

OP posts:
MrsRyanGosling15 · 29/04/2019 13:55

OH does the night feeds if I’m too shattered, but I know he would then have to call in sick the next day as he wouldn’t be safe to work and you can only do that so many times before trouble starts.

You honestly think your OH would have to take the next day off sick if he fed a baby during the night? Jesus wept. I'm sure a fully grown man might just cope. After all women who go back to work and are still up feeding in the night seem to have to cope without ringing in sick. My view is, the man also agreed to have these children so when both of us are at home they are both our responsibility. And alot of people are talking like women only ever have 1 baby on maternity leave. I have 4 dc. The days if 'nap when baby naps' are long gone. We basically just write off those 1st few years as shit and hard work but sure we have the rest of our lives to sleep. Just comes with the territory of choosing to have kids. My dh need for sleep is no more special than mine.

BarbadosBrenda · 29/04/2019 13:57

'My kids aren't predictable nappers and I find it impossible to sleep when it's light.'

Well feet up then, relax. Get the shopping delivered. Leave the laundry until tomorrow, there are options and flexibility. At work you really can't say 'boss I've been up all night can I just go and have a cup of tea and read the paper to recharge my batteries?'.

BookwormMe2 · 29/04/2019 13:57

He sometimes works 9-5 and still does his share then. We always split it. It's not just my job.

I agree that parenting isn't just the mum's job, but certain aspects are, namely the night feeds that require boobs for feeding! You're lucky your baby can take a bottle, lots don't. I have no problem with my partner getting uninterrupted sleep either - I'm not the one having to get behind the wheel for a lengthy commute every morning.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 13:57

RyanGosling I have 3 and find it hilarious people think maternity leave is all Netflix and coffee drinking. Clearly they've never had multiple dc young at the same time.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 13:58

I agree that parenting isn't just the mum's job, but certain aspects are, namely the night feeds that require boobs for feeding

Not everyone breastfeeds. Also do you lot literally never go out the house with the kids? Because I don't recognise this wearing pyjamas and watching telly all day description at all.

OP posts:
Namestheyareachangin · 29/04/2019 13:59

@TeenTitans but that's THEIR reason for it. They're not saying it should be yours. Or complaining. So why are you bothered?

I try to be kind because it feels right in a nebulous sort of way. My fri me tried to be kind because she believes God wants her to. I think her reasoning is wrong, but as long as what she's doing makes her happy and doesn't bother anyone else what's that to me?

Namestheyareachangin · 29/04/2019 13:59

*friend not Fri me!

BookwormMe2 · 29/04/2019 14:00

Because I don't recognise this wearing pyjamas and watching telly all day description at all.

I think people mean that's what they do if they've had a particularly rough, interrupted, sleepless night.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 14:01

name because the default assumption shouldn't be that one party does it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 14:01

I think people mean that's what they do if they've had a particularly rough, interrupted, sleepless night.

Which is every night until the baby is 1 then.

OP posts:
BookwormMe2 · 29/04/2019 14:02

I do feel you're being very goady now, OP. So what if couples choose to have a set-up where the mum on maternity leave does the feeds? Every family does what they need to do to survive the early years. Mums deal with enough guilt without other mums like you piling on them.