To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

Because it didn’t affect me. A couple of wakings during the night for a co-sleeping baby was fairly mild, coupled with later sleep ins at the weekend.

So just say that then rather than stating that men shouldn't get have to get up in the night because they work in paid jobs.

So why wouldn't you want to share that? That's what I'm not understanding.

Because I want to be there for her when she needs something. I'd have loved it if she'd needed something less, but I wanted to be there for her if she did. I don't think that makes me better; bit control-freaky possibly. But I wanted to look after her.

Love isn't caffeine or methylphenidate, sadly.

So just say that then rather than stating that men shouldn't get have to get up in the night because they work in paid jobs

Ah so don’t tell the truth about the reason, just so other people don’t get irritated?

I did the night wakings during the week because DH worked. He more than pulled his weight at other times of day.

@TeenTitans
Would you put 'being a mum' on your CV?

Nobody likes being tired or exhausted but it comes with the package of being a parent does it not?

A female parent, I guess.

I loved both my mat leaves. Loved them. I was basically on holiday for 9 months. The only hard bit was the night wakings. It would have been outrageous of me to expect my working husband to help me.

That was my situation. I have the ability to recognise not everyone is in exactly the same situation as me though, and thus not get cross if another family decide to do things differently.

Cheryl no but I'd have no problem listing the many transferable skills I've gained from it on it.

@TeenTitans
So no dad's are tired or exhausted?
You just sound silly

If they aren't doing night feeds then there's no reason to be exhausted!

@PissedOffProf

Namestheyareachangin, it's great that you have a degree from Oxford, but for the second time: The argument on this thread is not about the value of parenting, but about who should do it and when. Could we please not change the topic of the discussion? It kind of gets hard to follow if you do that.

It is great, isn't it? Really pleased with it actually

OK then, as you struggle to follow the flow of the discussion: who should do parenting and when in your opinion?

You know all these things before becoming a parent, lack of sleep etc i assume most couples have a chat about how they will run their house, why is it such a surprise when suddenly the baby is here and you are tired.

I don't think people can know what severe sleep deprivation will feel like until they have actually experienced it. It's not just a case of feeling tired.

Hubby works and we did and still do share it. Often he does more!

Does this apply to men too?

Absolutely it does. So men who refuse to do their share are shit. But their share is determined not by a strict 50:50 down the middle ("I did the last nappy so you MUST do thins one") but on what works for the family.

I don't think people can know what severe sleep deprivation will feel like until they have actually experienced it. It's not just a case of feeling tired

Sure, which goes back to my earlier point or there being so many variables within this discussion.

Even when I did get a chance of a full night I couldn’t sleep through because of engorged boobs 😊

Still think it’s madness to have both parents shattered .

@TeenTitans
Just because they are not doing night feeds dosnt mean they are not pulling their weight when a baby is screaming both parents hear it. For the women breast feeding should they get their partners to come watch them feed?? It just sounds like another feminist blaming men for something els. Yawn

Namestheyareachangin, and I have a PhD in social sciences from one of the world's top universities. Just in case you are doubting my qualifications.

I really wasn't. My point re the degree was because you stated people who think they're happy mothering aren't really, they just don't know any better and need to have their consciousness raised by knowledgeable feminists

Namestheyareachangin, you really are being ridiculous. I am not engaging with it.

Ah so don’t tell the truth about the reason, just so other people don’t get irritated?

Don't take my sentence out of context. I'm not suggesting people lie. If a poster has a specific reason for doing all the night wakening e.g. their DH is a pilot then they should give that reason rather than stating in general that may work shouldn't have to get up in the night.

may work men who work

@BumpityBumper

I think this is a very important point to make as ultimately work undertaken in the home or at work is just a bunch of activities that need to be done. Paid employment isn't automatically more taxing or even that different than the work someone could do at home looking after their children e.g. cleaners, nannys etc. The fact that you have a close relationship with your child doesn't negate the number of tasks and activities involved or the effort /energy that needs to be expended. It doesn't all become easy or fulfilling just because you love your children.

This is where I profoundly disagree. My days on mat leave/the weekend aren't just 'a series of tasks that need to be done' (describes paid work to a tee though). For me it just wasn't. I was getting to know my child. Loving my child DID make it fulfilling for me to changer her nappy (whilst seeing her smile or finding a way to stop her getting upset). Loving her DOES make it interesting and funny for me to have endless repetitive discussions about The Gruffalo's Child, because I can see her little brain turning it over and starting to reason. If someone at work wants to bore on about Game of Thrones/their statistical return, I don't have the same investment!

As I have said already I appreciate this is not the case for every parent or every mother. Which is why equal RIGHTS (to work outside home, to personal time, to shared division of parenting tasks beyond working hours) are so important. But that doesn't equate to a responsibility to do everything down the middle when that doesn't work for you and your family, or you're letting feminism down. That's just a different oppression.

I’ve been back at work since DS was 16 weeks. I’m the breadwinner and could not take a longer mat leave. DH is at home on SPL. I’m BFing so as well as finding time to pump during the working day, I do all the night feeds.

DH does the nappies (and if necessary the settling) at night but obviously gets more sleep than me. We also have a cleaner and the dog goes to day care so he only has the baby to deal with during the day. I tend not to leave for work until the baby is down for his first nap and I’m usually back for teatime, even though this means I work until late after DS has gone to bed.

These are his minimum terms for taking time out of his career to do the important work of raising our child. Fair enough. Until we start to see work inside the home as equivalent to work outside the home, equality is fucked.

Genuinely don’t think anyone is saying that women who do the night wakings are bad feminists are they??

I think YABU.
My OH gets up at 5:30-6am. Works in a manual job all day and is home any time between 3-5 depending on where he is working. When I was on mat leave and had a baby that needed night feeds he would generally do one around 10pm before he went to bed. I would do 1am and 4am.
Why should he be disturbed when he has a day of physical work?
Yes my days can be hard sometimes, but when on mat leave I have no commitments other than the school run for my older DD, Shopping, baby groups if I choose to go to them, housework etc. I can sit in front of the TV with the baby for some down time, he can't do that at work!