To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

In the same way, I’ve done both paid care work for elderly people, and unpaid care work for an elderly relative. Looking after my own relative was a very different experience, but the work involved in doing it didn’t become less taxing and tiring as a result.

This.

Namestheyareachangin, it's great that you have a degree from Oxford, but for the second time: The argument on this thread is not about the value of parenting, but about who should do it and when. Could we please not change the topic of the discussion? It kind of gets hard to follow if you do that.

But surely one knows before having a baby that it might need to be fed? So you don't have it unless you're happy to do it?

Does this apply to men too?

My husband flies large passenger jets and he slept in a different room , I would never have expected him to do night feeds ( babies breast fed anyway and refused bottles) . He did lots of other things to help when babies were little. I also think it’s essential for one parent to be well rested and Better for babies if you aren’t both exhausted, passes quickly enough too .

But surely one knows before having a baby that it might need to be fed? So you don't have it unless you're happy to do it?

Presumably all the men who aren't doing the night feeds were also aware the baby would need to be fed at some point?

Namestheyareachangin, and I have a PhD in social sciences from one of the world's top universities. Just in case you are doubting my qualifications.

We sleep in a different room too. One of us does their shift with the babies and the other sleeps in our bedroom.

@Namestheyareachangin
Once again, the definition of the word "work" is an activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result. How does someone looking after their children and undertaking all the associated activities not qualify as work? I would suggest that objectively it does, although you can question if this work is the equivalent to paid employment.

I think this is a very important point to make as ultimately work undertaken in the home or at work is just a bunch of activities that need to be done. Paid employment isn't automatically more taxing or even that different than the work someone could do at home looking after their children e.g. cleaners, nannys etc. The fact that you have a close relationship with your child doesn't negate the number of tasks and activities involved or the effort /energy that needs to be expended. It doesn't all become easy or fulfilling just because you love your children.

Does this apply to men too?

The issue isn’t whether one person does night feeds. It’s whether there is a fair division of labour.

So I did all night feeds, but then DH pulled his weight in other ways. I would have far rather it worked like that, given night feeds were easy for me and I wasn’t bothered about expressing.

@TeenTitans

How is it not a job? Amazing that being s nanny, a cleaner, a chef and a manager are all actual jobs, but doing them for your own household and family is not

See my remark above - it's a relationship. I am talking about night wakings here incidentally as that is the subject in hand - If I was expected to do all the shitwork of housekeeping, menu-planning, cooking, diary management etc, then I'd have a problem. Because that's not exclusively parenting tasks, but household tasks and each person in the house generates that work so everyone should contribute to it. But getting up in the night to cuddle my baby who I've barely seen all day? Not going to complain about that or give it up to my DP if they're not asking.

The missing ingredient is love. I don't need paying to look after my baby because I love her. I pay nursery to do it because, lovely people though they are, they don't. It's their job.

I don't understand how some women are happy to have permanent broken sleep for months on end.

Loving your child doesn't make physical tasks easier 😂😂😂

I don't understand how some women are happy to have permanent broken sleep for months on end.

No-one's bloody "happy" with that! I'd have loved it if my baby slept more. But she didn't. Couldn't send her back to the factory for a reset, could I? She needed me in the night. So I looked after her. Much happier now she's sleeping longer, believe me!!

It's not a job tho, by that standard i would be a chef, a teacher, an accountant, a nurse, a cleaner, an entertainer, a gardener etc being a parent is not a job it's a choice and a privilege.

So why wouldn't you want to share that? That's what I'm not understanding.

Loving your child doesn't make physical tasks easier

Oh come on it does. Wiping up my baby's shit is a lot less disgusting than wiping up some stranger's. Just for an example.

I don't understand how some women are happy to have permanent broken sleep for months on end

Because it didn’t affect me. A couple of wakings during the night for a co-sleeping baby was fairly mild, coupled with later sleep ins at the weekend.

My husband flies large passenger jets and he slept in a different room , I would never have expected him to do night feeds ( babies breast fed anyway and refused bottles) . He did lots of other things to help when babies were little. I also think it’s essential for one parent to be well rested and Better for babies if you aren’t both exhausted, passes quickly enough too .

Obviously your husband needs to be well rested but why in general is it better for one parent to be absolutely exhausted while the other gets a good night sleep? That's the problem I have with women who say that they always get up in the night because the DH works. There is no reason not to share the load with many jobs.

The work is the same. Therefore, it is a job. If you write down on paper what you do, it is a job. It being your child doesn't change that

Yet another mother bashing judgement thread for the choices some mother's make. Sick of mumsnet.

Love doesn't make it effortless. I love my children more than I would ever have imagined possible, and yet I still could not cope on 3 hours of broken sleep a night, cuddles or no cuddles.

The work is the same. Therefore, it is a job

Honestly my year long maternity leave was pretty much a year long holiday. Far easier than my then job!

Oh come on it does. Wiping up my baby's shit is a lot less disgusting than wiping up some stranger's. Just for an example.

Less disgusting but not physically easier. The energy exerted is the same.

You know all these things before becoming a parent, lack of sleep etc i assume most couples have a chat about how they will run their house, why is it such a surprise when suddenly the baby is here and you are tired. We all know it's coming. Nobody likes being tired or exhausted but it comes with the package of being a parent does it not?