To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

I think YABU to get cross with other women, it's up to them how to run their lives.

Most parents, as this thread has proved, think the sensible thing to do is for the person working to sleep so they are able to perform the job they're paid up do. This is still equal parenting, just both parents carrying out different roles for their child's wellbeing. It is not these mums, who you're getting cross at, fault that you can't rest during the day so why on earth you'd chose to get cross with them is beyond me

My partner doesn't have tits so 🤷🏼‍♀️. However, the one baby that was formula fed, I still did all the bottle feeds because (and I had three children under four) he needed to be able to drive and concentrate (he was a carpet fitter).

Don't you need to drive if you have four children though?! I don't see the difference.

My husband didn’t help with night feeds for two reasons.

1. He worked regular nights
2. He didn’t have boobs

Yes, I think YABU, everyone is different. I let my DH sleep, he would come in from work and do the shift until about 10pm so I could get a few hours of kip in. Swings and roundabouts. He was the breadwinner, our livelihood depending on him doing a good job!

I get worked up about it because it's another example of inequality."

Well that can work both ways. Your dh could say it’s not fair that you get to stay at home while he goes out to work.

OP do you think that you have been patronising to women who make different choices from you on this thread, and written off their responses? There are no women on here criticising your choices or saying women shouldn't expect help. Just pointing out that their choices are different and valid.

Oh really? So the people saying that those expecting help through the night are taking the piss, that SAHPs can just slob around in a onesie watching telly all day, aren’t judging and criticising? Interesting.

I think the worst thing is the women who willingly drive themselves to exhaustion. There’s an abvious solution if you have a partner at home. Get them to help more! Even if you bf they can change a nappy at night. Not all night wakes are about food. If you want to do that then fine but don’t moan about it. I got really funny looks from women when I said that we shared the sleep deprivation. Like I’m some selfish bitch for not ‘taking’ the full impact of a baby who never sleeps through and certainly doesn’t conveniently nap for a few hours so I can have a cup of tea and watch this morning! On leave your 9-5 job is childcare. After this your extra job should be spit 50/50 however you see fit if you have a partner. It doesn’t need to be nightfeeds per day but ffs tge point if maternity leave is not to work 24/7 whilst your hubster carryes on like nothing’s happened.

Well that can work both ways. Your dh could say it’s not fair that you get to stay at home while he goes out to work.

Why is there always the assumption that women want to stay at home even if it means suffering extreme sleep deprivation. Given the choice between doing a days work and but getting a full nights sleep versus being up all night and being incredibly tired I know which I would choose.

it puts very unfair pressure on some women. I met some who suffer from extreme sleep deprivation because their DH doesn't think that he should have to get up because other fathers don't have to for example I am beginning to think there are a few teenagers on this thread, but to respond in a straightforward way - no one should feel that they have to do something just because someone else is doing it and no one should feel that they should limit their choices just in case someone copies them. Unless of course they are going to be breaking the law.

So ur talking about dads that never do night feeds even when they aren't working. Well that's not on! but again, it depends on the couple. Breast feeding being one example, my husband being partially deaf so I'd have to wake him up to deal with DS and then I'd be awake any way and wouldn't be able to see until the baby had so I might as well just do it being another. It isn't that sahp SHOULD do anything, but that couples should find a solution that works for them both

I am beginning to think there are a few teenagers on this thread, but to respond in a straightforward way -

So I am being a teenager for commenting on the fact that it can put infair pressure on those women who are not lucky enough to have easy babies and are suffering from extreme sleep deprivation.

no one should feel that they have to do something just because someone else is doing it and no one should feel that they should limit their choices just in case someone copies them. Unless of course they are going to be breaking the law.

I am not saying that they should limit their choices but they should think twice about giving the impression that women should do all the night feeds just because their partner does paid work. If there are specific reasons why they need to do all the night feeds e.g. that their DH is surgeon or they have a really easy baby then they should say that rather than make general statements.

@tisonlymeagain @bellinisurge @Shelbybear you all seem to be describing situations in which you shared the night feeding with your working partner while saying that you disagree with the OP.

I don't think anyone here is proposing that the working partner should also be up all night with the baby, but that a fair partnership probably involves something like what you described- the Dad doing the first feed (10pm - midnight shift) so mum can get a solid chunk at the start of the night, or getting up on weekends etc.

Also if your baby only woke up to be fed twice a night then you had a relatively good sleeper on your hands.

Like my partner said to me. I have the option of making myself food and drink whenever I can, and chill out while baby is happy/playing or sleeps when he sleeps.
He don’t have that option.
I breastfeed, but if I bottle fed I would still have it the same too.
When he was on paternity leave he was amazing, helping me latch baby and sitting with me while I cried through painful feeding telling me how well I was doing, and that I can do it 🥰

I am very late to this thread, but yes, I totally agree with the OP - it makes me very cross every time I hear this "My male partner works, so he cannot possibly do night wakings". I think women say this to avoid directly confronting the inequality in their home and how little their partners value their health and well-being. I breastfed my children until the age of two and went back to work at seven months with each of them. Full-time, totally full-on, intellectually demanding work where I have to do long hours and cannot afford to make mistakes. And my children did not sleep through the night until they were over the age of 2. Work was still easier than being with demanding babies/toddlers at home. It can totally be done. Loads of women do this all the time. Only the men are exempt because we expect so little of them and let them get away with so much.

I have the option of making myself food and drink whenever I can, and chill out while baby is happy/playing or sleeps when he sleeps how old is your baby and how much lone caring has he done for extended periods?

summerof68
I get worked up about it because it's another example of inequality

Well that can work both ways. Your dh could say it’s not fair that you get to stay at home while he goes out to work.hmm

Exactly ! It is a privilege to be at home with your baby. My DH's job is very pressurised and stressful, I know where he would rather be

SleepingStandingUp

I have the option of making myself food and drink whenever I can, and chill out while baby is happy/playing or sleeps when he sleeps how old is your baby and how much lone caring has he done for extended periods?

What a ridiculous question.

There are too many variables per couple to actually make a true judgement of someone else’s choices.

I used to do all the night feeds because I was breastfeeding. In return ex-H used to stay up with DD from 9pm to 1pm (working from home) whilst I slept. I then used to get a lie in both days on a weekend (every so often he would have one to catch up on sleep).

I had one very easy baby - being at home was a doddle for me, far easier than work. As I wasn’t returning to work and ex-H was director of his own company, it made sense for him to get a decent stretch of sleep.

When we were on holiday we both caught up.

Like my partner said to me. I have the option of making myself food and drink whenever I can, and chill out while baby is happy/playing or sleeps when he sleeps

I think I would have throttled DH if he has said that to me and insisted that we swap. I think it is a perfect example of why general statement by some women on what it is like to be a SAHM can put unfair pressure on others.

@dungeondragon15 in our society women and men have a lot of choice, there is a wide range of child care/child rearing/working/not working approaches which are considered valid. I can't think of any woman I know who gets themselves into a tizzy because of choices another woman is making. I haven't read any post anywhere saying "All men should not get up and help at night because they work". But if I am wrong about your age, then I apologise.

Exactly ! It is a privilege to be at home with your baby. My DH's job is very pressurised and stressful, I know where he would rather be

It's not a "privakege. Maternity leave is for the benefit of the baby not the mother. You may enjoy it more than your job but not everyone does believe it or not. Although toddlers and children are great I found being at home with a baby quite boring and combined with the sleep deprivation definitely much harder than being at work.

privakege privilege

I can't think of any woman I know who gets themselves into a tizzy because of choices another woman is making.

Not getting ‘in a tizzy’ but thanks for the condescending tone. The reason I get irritated as I’ve said before is because often it is not the woman’s choice. Women driving themselves to exhaustion because society still values the wellbeing of men over women. It is a feminist issue.

And everyone stop saying about driving ffs. Parents have to drive too

Picking up from some of your posts, You had a good career as a legal secretary. You are not domestically minded. You resent getting up to look after children.
What made you decide to have kids?

You are not domestically minded. You resent getting up to look after children. What made you decide to have kids?

wtf? Would you ask fathers this?