To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

Sleep feels like a luxury when you are sleep deprived.

Most babies will sleep through the night around 12 weeks and the waking up afterwards are not every night

Utter bollocks. How to make most mothers feel inadequate

Why are there huge numbers of women here who want to make out that being the SAHP to a newborn is such a piece of piss

But sometimes it is (well not a piece of piss, but it's not always horrendously difficult). It really depends on your baby I think. I'll be lynched for this I'm sure, but I've found the newborn phase incredibly easy. I realise that I'm fortunate to have an easy baby who sleeps well, but there seems to be this weird stigma where you can't actually say that you don't find it that difficult. Certainly it's far easier than any job I've ever done! But I know some people with the same age of baby who struggled for weeks with no sleep, have very unsettled babies during the day, etc. In those cases yes it would be very hard, but I don't really like the assumption that every single parent of a newborn baby is sleep deprived and struggling. The only time I've been sleep deprived so far is in the hospital ward as it was so noisy!

I'm fully aware that things will change and she will most likely get more difficult as she gets older, but these first three months have honestly been quite a joy. But it seems like you aren't really allowed to say that so all you hear about is horror stories of non sleepers, babies who scream for no reason, etc.

The key thing is that not all babies are the same, some are higher maintenance, some parents have multiple children to look after, etc. If you're in a situation where you need your partner's support overnight or whenever else then of course they should offer it.

My point is if you worked in Starbucks prior to maternity leave I can see how you might find it harder than someone who is used to organising workloads, making decisions, efficiencies and producing complex work to tight deadlines.

I was a civil servant. But thanks for the condescension.

Surely it depends on everyone’s particular circumstances.

But for us, with one set of twins being our only children it made sense for me to be on night duty. I could sleep when the babies napped or just chill out quietly during the day. My husband had to be alert for his job.

I also sleep trained them. And so do they both slept through by 12 weeks.

I was a civil servant.

No offence but not really known for being on top of their game 😭

In those cases yes it would be very hard, but I don't really like the assumption that every single parent of a newborn baby is sleep deprived and struggling. The only time I've been sleep deprived so far is in the hospital ward as it was so noisy!

It's better than the assumption that every SAHM can sleep in the day so should do all the night feeds because their DH had such an important job. There is nothing wrong with say that you do all the night feeds because your baby sleeps really well and you are not sleep deprived but the general rule nowadays (it seems) that all women maternity leave should do all the night feeds because their DH "works" is quite annoying.

CherryCoke ah the old outside industry is so much harder despite getting 3x the salary for the same job argument.

This isn’t about SAHP. It’s about night wakings. One parent is generally on parental leave for the first 6-12 months and the night waking is primarily at the beginning.

Of course many children don’t sleep through until much later (my own doesn’t at 4) but it is NOT the same as newborn night wakings and let’s not pretend it is.

Therefore this thread only makes sense at all if it refers to night wakings in the early days, when you’re up every 40 minutes for weeks at a time.

@Dungeondragon15 I do agree with you there.

My DP does not have an important job, like everyone always seems to on these threads!He does drive around a bit, but I don't think one night of broken sleep would suddenly have him falling asleep at the wheel. I drive with DD in car most days so if I was sleep deprived, that would be just as/even more dangerous than him being sleep deprived!

I think an important point is that it's not all or nothing. I did the majority of the night stuff but DH still helped. It would be incredibly uncaring for a partner to see the other struggling with lack of sleep and not help. As for the which is harder question it does depend on the job and also it's demanding in different ways. Intellectually being at home is easier for me but I also find a toddler constantly asking questions rather draining.

My Dp doesn’t have an important job. I do though, and I know how hard it is to do it sleep deprived because I have. So I don’t see the point both of us being sleep depreived

So I don’t see the point both of us being sleep depreived

You won't necessarily be as sleep deprived to the same extent though will you? I had to do all the night feeds because I was breast feeding but DH used to change nappies in the night or sometimes take the baby off me which meant that I had more sleep than I would have done (easier to go back to sleep as I wasn't wide awake in the first place)

Wow, I hadn't really appreciated how conditioned a lot of women are to martyr themselves till reading this thread.

How fucking condescending

I found all stages of babyhood very difficult at the time, but now that my baby is a toddler, the first 18 months seem so easy by comparison! My baby slept badly (and still does) and I struggled with breastfeeding all the way through. But my responsibilities were to keep my baby safe, fed, warm, clean, and cuddled, and if I had a bad day or night, I could largely do those on auto and in front of the TV if I had to.

I find it much worse now, keeping to nap and meal schedules, toddler full of energy, learning defiance and how to cause chaos in every way possible. And it becomes so much more important now to engage, to play, to talk to them. And then having a terrible night like last night, and then having to go to work, looking presentable, trying to sound intelligent, giving presentations, paying attention in boring meetings, needing to come up with new ideas. I can't do work on auto. Having done both sides, I find being a SAHP more physically exhausting, but less mentally taxing than beining at work, and the physical exhaustion is easier to deal with.

I Really don't agree. I can catch up on sleep during the day or try and rest, he can't. If you were both at home all day that's totally different.

It also depends on the job. Office job it might be possible but even that depends on the job.

My husband works long hours and in a very physical job working with gas. It would be dangerous for him to have sleep deprivation. He could kill himself and possibly others if he made a major mistake.

He helped with everything else. Used to feed her when he got home from work, give her a bath and ready for bed. He would also do the late evening feed usually between 10pm- 12am. She usually only woke once about 4/5 so I'd do that feed and then sleep till about 7.

He would always do the night feed on the wkends.

Why do these threads always decend into the same arguements? Your experience will be different to that of others and you'll make different choices based on that. The experience and choices of others do not imply criticism of you and yours. How is this hard? Stop getting so upset about other people's choices. If you're not happy with your own life then do something about that, but don't spend your time trying to convince other people they're doing something wrong.

I am very happy with how we split the parenting and how we continue to split it now. I do not feel like a martyr nor is it fair for anyone (woman or man) to try and make me feel like one with their shitty comments, just because I did it differently than you did.

shelby if he did them at weekends then he did do some of the nights and so that's not what I'm talking about

OP do you think that you have been patronising to women who make different choices from you on this thread, and written off their responses? There are no women on here criticising your choices or saying women shouldn't expect help. Just pointing out that their choices are different and valid.

Fathers should do a fair share of night parenting, with a few exceptions, eg driving roles, heavy machinery, roofing, surgery. It’s not necessarily just feeds

Something you haven't touched on is the women who have a baby and then realise that their partner/dh is not someone they would leave any child alone with. Quite a lot of women, I'd reckon. What pearls of wisdom do you have about that?

DS is nearly 4 and I still do all the night wakings, DH works outside the home all be it in a standard hours low stress office job, I'm aSAHM

It doesn't mean I'm conditioned in anything or oppressed. It means it works for us.

And having been up with DS since 4. 30 I went and got DH up at 6.30 to swap so I could have an hour before he went to work. Weekends he does the get ups because he knows I don't get to sleep through. And if I want to go away for the weekend he does it all

Something you haven't touched on is the women who have a baby and then realise that their partner/dh is not someone they would leave any child alone with. Quite a lot of women, I'd reckon. What pearls of wisdom do you have about that?

What? Why wouldn't you trust your husband with a child?

When I was on maternity leave , my dh needed a decent sleep to drive safely and not, like, die in a car crash. He always did the 10 o'clock- ish feed while I went to bed earlier. We worked it out.
When I went back to work we shared early hours ones a bit more because we were lucky enough to be able to share the driving commute.
He cooks every meal.
Suddenly this makes me a martyr. 😂

@TeenTitans So ur talking about dads that never do night feeds even when they aren't working. Well that's not on!

OP do you think that you have been patronising to women who make different choices from you on this thread, and written off their responses? There are no women on here criticising your choices or saying women shouldn't expect help. Just pointing out that their choices are different and valid.

Not every choice is "valid" or beyond criticism though is it? And while I can totally see why it would be appropriate for the women to do all the night awakenings in some circumstances why not just state that circumstance? The general assertion that mothers should do all the night awakeness because their DH "works" is quite irritating and it puts very unfair pressure on some women. I met some who suffer from extreme sleep deprivation because their DH doesn't think that he should have to get up because other fathers don't have to for example.

My partner doesn't have tits so 🤷🏼‍♀️. However, the one baby that was formula fed, I still did all the bottle feeds because (and I had three children under four) he needed to be able to drive and concentrate (he was a carpet fitter). I am expecting again and will be doing the same.