To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

@BossAssBitch
It is a privilege to be at home with your baby
I'm not sure that this is always true. Some people don't enjoy their time at home and can't wait to get back to work. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that the baby will benefit from having a parent at home early on, especially initially during the fourth trimester. Often the mother may be the obvious candidate to stay at home for a while due to breastfeeding or needing more time to recover from pregnancy and birth. The point I'm making is that the mother may not have actively chosen to be the one at home and she fulfils the role because one parent has to and biology has determined that she is the best parent to do so. For many women having time at home with their baby can represent a sacrifice where they suspend their working activities and other aspects of their lives and devote their time to a baby that both parents have brought into the world. To boldly state that the woman should be grateful for this privilege is really unhelpful and narrow minded.

My DH's job is very pressurised and stressful, I know where he would rather be
And yet so few men are pushing to take shared parental leave. I know many on this thread have implied that women are monopolising the leave but I hardly see many father's up in arms protesting out on the streets.

My DH also works in a very stressful and he absolutely will confirm that he find that's infinitely easier than spending time at home with the children. He is a very involved and loving father but he simply doesn't find dealing with the demands of two small children easy.

It is a privilege to be at home with your baby
No, its a necessity.

It isn't a privilege to have a disabled child who can't go into child care.
It isn't a privilege to be earning so little as a couple that child are would more than wipe out one wage and leave you unable to pay the bills.

Yes I would 53rd.
Also keep getting told woman's body, woman's choice often enough.

And yet so few men are pushing to take shared parental leave. I know many on this thread have implied that women are monopolising the leave but I hardly see many father's up in arms protesting out on the streets.

Yes, anyone would think that men are queuing up to share parental leave. My DH wouldn't have taken it in a million years (not that there was a choice at the time). I did it because someone had to but to be told that it is a "privilege" and that poor DH shouldn't have to wake up in the night is very irritating to say the least.

Not getting ‘in a tizzy’ but thanks for the condescending tone. The reason I get irritated as I’ve said before is because often it is not the woman’s choice. Women driving themselves to exhaustion because society still values the wellbeing of men over women. It is a feminist issue

I think it is more condescending to suggest that poor feeble minded women have pressure put on them by other women making different choices from them. Anyone who is asserting that is taking us back in time in terms of feminism, not forwards.

You raise the fact that not all women have choices but that is a different point to what is being argued here. The reasons why many women don't have choices are to do with economics, and to do with how many men we have in our society who cannot be trusted with child care. Maybe those are the issues which should have been raised.

The fact that women are free to hold different opinions to each other and make choices to suit themselves and their lives (when they can) is something to be celebrated.

Anyway, I have repeated myself a few times now, I am out now.

Also keep getting told woman's body, woman's choice often enough.

What’s that got to do with sharing the night-time parenting?

I think it is more condescending to suggest that poor feeble minded women have pressure put on them by other women making different choices from them. Anyone who is asserting that is taking us back in time in terms of feminism, not forwards.

I don't see how it is "feeble minded" to feel under pressure to do all the night awakening because your DH feels that he should have to because apparently other men don't have to while their partner is on maternity leave.

lovelypumpkin yes of course it is to be celebrated that women can choose how they live their lives, parent etc.
Do you not think society still expects women to do the lions share of parenting though? AS i have mentioned before it is seen as surprising that my dh helped me with night wakings. My friends were exhausted and depressed and still their husbands wouldn’t help them. I dont think they are ‘feeble’ but I do think they are victims of an unfair herd mentality.
Others have put it far more eloquently than me, I never was any good at putting my points in writing so I’m sorry if I’m coming across as saying women are weak minded that’s not what I mean at all.

My husband is almost deaf so doesn't hear either of our children when they wake. I also breastfeed our youngest, and ll work 24 hours a week in a job that requires concentration. So I do everything, though partly because he's a man without breasts who I would have to spend 5 minutes waking to rouse.

@lovelypumpkin
I think it is more condescending to suggest that poor feeble minded women have pressure put on them by other women making different choices from them. Anyone who is asserting that is taking us back in time in terms of feminism, not forwards
Socialisation is real and to dismiss it so easily is pretty worrying. Reading this thread many women would feel like a failure or a CFer if they were to ask their working partner to help with nightfeeds. The attitudes expressed do heap pressure onto women that have already had to deal with the physical and mental trials of pregnancy and childbirth. Expectations are set, behaviours are normalised and it becomes harder and harder for new mothers struggling with exhaustion to ask the father of their child for assistance.

Yes, anyone would think that men are queuing up to share parental leave. My DH wouldn't have taken it in a million years (not that there was a choice at the time). I did it because someone had to but to be told that it is a "privilege" and that poor DH shouldn't have to wake up in the night is very irritating to say the least.

Yup.

Men know exactly what taking maternity leave does to their prospects and careers, not to mention the expectation that they’ll do all the shit work.

Can’t imagine why they’re not lining up to share!

I am in my early 40s and am constantly irritated and surprised that many of my friends behave in a way that contributes to women continuing to be suppressed by society. They cook, they do the lions share of all child related things, they don’t feel they can just head out for drinks unless it has been approved by their husbands and feel bad for leaving their kids for a couple of days because junta so hard on their husbands. It is a joke!!!

You are not domestically minded. You resent getting up to look after children. What made you decide to have kids?

Probably the same thing that all these blokes who can't possibly have an unbroken nights sleep in their lives lest some disaster occur have kids!

That made that should say.

My husband walks most of the day for his job so he really needs his sleep. I understand that looking after young children and babies can also be hard work so I also need my sleep, but he's the one away from home all day, out working. Despite this he did sometimes help during night feeds but I never expected it.

You are not domestically minded. You resent getting up to look after children. What made you decide to have kids?

Yes op, why did you decide to have kids then expect men to do their fair share of night wakings despite gasp working? The two are definitely related somehow

Why oh why is keeping small children alive not considered as important as men not being a bit more tired than usual at work?
Not expecting men to be exhausted, if partners share the load neither will be utterly shattered, both will be a bit more tired than someone without kids but BOTH will be able to still function.

Only the men are exempt because we expect so little of them and let them get away with so much.

Really?? I don’t expect a man to grow breasts and feed babies.
Biology dictates that it’s a woman’s job to produce and feed children. Nobody’s stopping men from chucking a load of washing in or making the dinner, but top and bottom of it is, nature makes us this way for a reason.

I was at home so could nap, of course I got up in the night, anyway i breastfed

On balance I think you are being unreasonable. If this thread proves anything it's that there is no default, most families /couples sort this out for themselves depending on their own circumstances.

NCbilliontimes, biology gives you one way of feeding a baby. Technology gives you other options. It's only a biological requirement if someone wants it to be so.

@sinkgirl

Yup. My husband described his first day back at work after 3 weeks paternity as ‘heaven’. Being at work, able to get a bit of lunch, go to the toilet unattended. .....

I was at home so could nap

You were at home and had a baby/child that you could nap with, so you could nap. Not everyone gets that option. I had one baby I could nap with and one I couldn’t and it made a massive, massive difference in how well I was able to cope with broken nights.

Sometimes I would think that, not that we could have done much about it as bf. But then went back to work part time and I know what I would prefer to be doing after a wakeful night and it certainly wasn't going to work. Tiredness is horrible but much easier to manage if you are running your own schedule and can decide when you do that day eg veg in front of tv, see friends, go to park etc. No commute needed. Look as perky or as rough as you want. Close your eyes whilst toddler watching tv for a few mins. Nap if possible when child naps etc etc

Teen Titans you are being ridiculous. Equality and partnership id not about men and women sharing each task exactly the same. if you are breast feeding you dont give it a thought, your baby needs you, no one else. It doesnt last forever. The important thing is that each family works it out for themselves and together so that all needs are met and all committments given their best. There are families the male or the female does not really pull their weight but thats another story and maybe not what you are talking about. Insisting men take the share of night feeds is a bit immature really, just get a balance in your own family and do what works for you. It wont be the same for others