To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

You may well have breezed through maternity leave but this absolutely isn't universal and other people's experiences are every bit as valid as yours
Beleive me, I didn't breeze through it at all, I had very demanding children who didn't sleep through the night and yes, at the time, I thought it was extremely difficult... Until I went back to work and realised that actually however hard it was before it wasn't half as bad for the reasons stated above. If you have a very bad night as a SAHM, you can adjust the following day as needed. You can cancel the meting with friends, you can stay in your pyjamas and you can spend most of the day in front of the TV doing the strict minimum. Just knowing you can do that makes it more bearable even if you cry your eyes out through lack of sleep.

Getting no sleep when you have to get up, do your hair and make up, dress up in heals, face commuting, and then have to pretend that you are alert and really looking forward to deliver that presentation you were hoping to finish that morning because you couldn't concentrate anymore the evening before, and come across as knowledgeable and confident in front of 50+ people, that's horrible stress.

Of course, not all fathers indeed have jobs requiring high level of concentration and some can manage on much less sleep than others. And of course there is a difference between looking after one easy baby and a difficult baby and three other kids.

As others have pointed to though it seems here that every sahm have it hard and people don't understand how so and that it comparable to any job whatever the level. I agree that some fathers should probably help more but in many cases, it is justified that the sahm should do all the night wake up, and indeed many fully agree because they recognise that however much they long for a full night sleep, they need it less than their partner.

My DH had a very long drive to and from work back when we had DD. He was out of the house for 12 hours a day IF there weren’t ant problems on the M25 and Dartford Crossing. No way was I going to let him do night feeds and then do that sort of drive!

Plus I breastfed both of ours anyway and DH isn’t suitably equipped for that!

Plus there is a difference between SAH parents and working mums. I will be a SAH parent after my second is born for a 18 months and will definitely not put on my partner. As long as they help in the evening that's all that matters.

*The question is sharing between the full-time working parent and the one on parental leave. Who works full time sleeps. If both work full time, it's 50/50

Cannot make it any more equal if you tried.*

One parent works (probably) 40-50 hours over five days, and gets uninterrupted sleep 7 nights a week. Probably gets at least five weeks holiday a year, probably has the ability to take sick leave when necessary.

One parent is solely in charge of an entirely dependant helpless human being for the 40-50 hours a week their partner is at work, AND for all nights too, with no holiday, no days off and no sick leave.

Some people have a funny idea of equal.

Am I in a parallel universe? Why are there huge numbers of women here who want to make out that being the SAHP to a newborn is such a piece of piss?

Monitoring how much the other half does can lead to resentment , it's about what works for you as a family.

While I agree that both parents should share the load in a household, I really cannot understand how people can obsess about it and constantly keep tally of who's doing what. SIL is like this and is always going on at DB about how much housework/ grocery shopping/ feeds she has done and how much he has done and who's turn it is next. He works FT running his own business, she is a SAHM with one DC but she expects him to do 50% of everything at home. If he is late home from work and it's his turn to cook dinner she acts like a child moaning 'but it's your turn' and then makes a big fuss of how he will then have to do it the next two days to make up for it. If he goes for a run then she has to have exactly the equal amount of 'free time', everything is measured. Who wants to live like this

I did all the night feeds for all three of mine. They were EBF.

To all the women suggesting it's as simple as cancelling on friends and spending the day on the sofa in your pajamas- that's fine for the odd day here and there, but it sounds like a recipe for depression if it carries on over time.

Mothers have the same need to socialise, get dressed, be outside, absorb vitamin D and just function as a human being as everyone else.

I have always been a busy and productive person. Being reduced to a couch potato shut in for months on end is no kind of life.

I have a job right now that requires high levels of cencentration and yes my screw ups can cost lives, but I also do shift work in the middle of the night. I never get enough sleep, unless I am on vacation. And that's for my job.

So, I am somewhat less than sympathetic of all those poor, poor men who can't do their jobs on months of broken sleep. It's doable, though ultimately bad for your health.

And to the people on here who say that because their partners drive, they need to be well rested, I am guessing you don't do grocceries or take your kids to school? You are somehow okay with being tired behind the wheel with your children in the car?

I think we really need to stop mollycoddling men. I don't even have children and I can function on prolongued periods of fatigue without killing myself or others.

@swingofthings
If you have a very bad night as a SAHM, you can adjust the following day as needed. You can cancel the meting with friends, you can stay in your pyjamas and you can spend most of the day in front of the TV doing the strict minimum
I think this is a bit disingenuous really and totally dependent on the job and the type/number of kids you have. Lots of SAHMs and mothers on maternity leave have to leave the house in the morning to get their older children to school and extra curricular activities etc. Lots of children aren't happy just watching the TV for hours and will start to misbehave if not given the attention and enrichment that they want and demand. I challenge anyone to stay a full day inside with my 3 year old without losing your mind. Some children just don't allow you to slow down the pace so you can have a restful day.

Equally some jobs have some degree of autonomy where you are able to pace your day better and can have an easier day if required. Other jobs not so much!

Basically jobs are different, children are different, parents are different... There are no absolutes, hence the range of replies on this and many other threads. Some are desperate to get back to work after ML and see it as a welcome break, others saw ML as a relatively pleasant and easy time.

I think we really need to stop mollycoddling men. I don't even have children and I can function on prolongued periods of fatigue without killing myself or others.

Your entire post is spot on, thank you

I think we really need to stop mollycoddling men. I don't even have children and I can function on prolongued periods of fatigue without killing myself or others.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

"You seem to be referring to quite junior roles, which are easy to hide in when you’re exhausted because expectations are lower"

Well, it's only on MN that 'everyone' is senior isn't it. There are lots of routine jobs out there in the real world.
Obviously, expectations are lower, but I don't agree with 'easy to hide in'. Most places are open plan these days and the people most likely to have their own office where they can hide are going to be senior.

I agree with you. It would be fine to say that they do all the night feeds because they are breast feeding or because their DH does a particular job where they need to be alert etc. But saying that they do all the nights feeds "because their DH works" is far too general and quite annoying.

For most jobs, getting up at least once in the night shouldn't be out of the question for the person doing paid work. Not everyone can sleep in the day especially if they have more than one child and it is unfair for one person to suffer extreme sleep deprivation while the other gets a good nights sleep every night.

Wow, I hadn't really appreciated how conditioned a lot of women are to martyr themselves till reading this thread. If you have a reasonable sleeper, then by all means do the night feeds alone if you must, but if you've got an awful one then ask for help!

DS was a TERRIBLE sleeper, he didn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time for the first 4 months, and then afterwards I still only got about 4 hours of broken sleep a night. I was BF so DH couldn't help, but if I'd FF I'd have demanded help! DS had a poorly tummy so couldn't have formula unfortunately, but DH got up with him at 5 or 6am every single morning to give me 2-3 hours unbroken rest, and on weekends I'd express and he'd take DS out for breakfast so I could sleep till DS needed another feed around 10.30am.

Sometimes in the night I'd call DH down to deal with DS' nappy or just hold him while I slept because I was exhausted and afraid of falling asleep holding DS. He always did it without question or complaint, and never ever complained about being tired (despite the fact he must have been).

I don't think DH is a saint, I think he's a parent.

I think this is a bit disingenuous really and totally dependent on the job and the type/number of kids you have
Mmm, which is what I said later in my post. Also, I referred to 'a very bad night'.

Of course sahm should still go out socialise etc...but what makes disrupted nights worse is the stress that result from the lack of options the following day. Just knowing that you can go have a nap the following day or to stay in front of the TV makes the nights much less horrendous than doing it when you know you'll have to commute, chair an important meeting and won't have a minute to take a break the next day.

Of course ongoing lack of sleep is hell. Most babies will sleep through the night around 12 weeks and the waking up afterwards are not every night. Some babies will wake up every night for 3 years, in this case, I would hope that the father does help at weekends and holidays.

I think we really need to stop mollycoddling men. I don't even have children and I can function on prolongued periods of fatigue without killing myself or others.

Exactly. I had children in the days before long maternity leave so everyone went back to work while they babies were young and still walking up in the night. I am a bit perplexed by the idea that the poor men can't possible work unless they have had an unbroken nights sleep.

walking waking

Apologies for not having read the entire thread but...

Who are these children who only wake up to be fed?

My children didn't sleep through the night until long after I had ended maternity leave.

"You seem to be referring to quite junior roles, which are easy to hide in when you’re exhausted because expectations are lower"

Well, it's only on MN that 'everyone' is senior isn't it. There are lots of routine jobs out there in the real world.
Obviously, expectations are lower, but I don't agree with 'easy to hide in'. Most places are open plan these days and the people most likely to have their own office where they can hide are going to be senior.”

Well I was referring to myself and I’m senior. Only executive directors have their own office which is usual nowadays and a few of them have chosen to give them up. Not that it matters, they still have work to do and people coming in and out all day.

My point is if you worked in Starbucks prior to maternity leave I can see how you might find it harder than someone who is used to organising workloads, making decisions, efficiencies and producing complex work to tight deadlines.

Babies are hard, but they aren’t demanding adults with complex adult needs who need managing day after day just to get through it with some semblance of success. I don’t love the people I work with either

than slopping around in your onesie and napping when the baby does.

This is when I gave up on this thread. If this is what you arseholes think we do at home with the kids you can just fuck right off.

Of course ongoing lack of sleep is hell. Most babies will sleep through the night around 12 weeks and the waking up afterwards are not every night.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Sleep is not a luxury. It is a thing you need to live, like food. If a mother was going hungry while the father ate 3 course dinners, we'd say that was unfair. But women are supposed to drive themselves to physical, mental and emotional breaking point for lack of sleep while their husbands snore happily for 8 hours and she dare not interrupt him. *

THIS

Can everyone please read the above before posting another ‘but my husband is a brain surgeon’ post

My point is if you worked in Starbucks prior to maternity leave I can see how you might find it harder than someone who is used to organising workloads, making decisions, efficiencies and producing complex work to tight deadlines.

Fucking hell.

Quote fail

What YesimstillwatchingNetflix said!

Of course sahm should still go out socialise etc...but what makes disrupted nights worse is the stress that result from the lack of options the following day. Just knowing that you can go have a nap the following day or to stay in front of the TV makes the nights much less horrendous than doing it when you know you'll have to commute, chair an important meeting and won't have a minute to take a break the next day.

You may have been able to "nap" in the day but I think that is far from common. I don't know anyone who was able to do that especially those with older children