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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

999 replies

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:23

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

OP posts:
jonsnowlowblow · 29/04/2019 07:09

Apparently all men have life or death jobs, all women breastfeed, all babies nap in the day and maternity leave is all coffee drinking and Netflix watching.

Yeah, I got this impression from this thread too. Piece of piss looking after a baby/toddler during the day, isn't it.

OllyBJolly · 29/04/2019 07:10

A SAHP is in control of their own time to an extent. So if it's a rough night you can plan a quiet day and nap with the children where possible. The one out there earning an income from an employer is unlikely to have that luxury. If that is the only income then it has to be protected - by doing the night feeds the SAHP is supporting that.

Your crossness is misplaced, OP.

Tumbleweed101 · 29/04/2019 07:13

I breast fed so naturally needed to do all the night feeds. However my ex would get up and help if the baby was unsettled so I could get some sleep. I’d also feed baby around 10pm, go to bed and he’d keep the baby with him til the next feed - around 2am - in the earlier days. That way I got a block of sleep completely out of ear shot of the baby. He’d then go to bed for the night and baby would sleep near me.

And as for equality - biology dictates that as women we do need to do the bulk of the baby care in those early days but a good partner will try to ease the exhaustion of that role. Working together is key.

Bumpitybumper · 29/04/2019 07:13

@swingofthings
I personally don't get those sahm who think that RL looking after her children is work
Whilst looking after your children isn't being in paid employment, of course it's work. The definition of work is an activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result. Do you honestly think that this definition isn't relevant to someone looking after their children and meeting their emotional and physical needs?

On threads like this people love emphasising just how easy looking after children is compared to working and implying that any SAHP or woman on ML that is struggling is basically moaning about nothing. You may well have breezed through maternity leave but this absolutely isn't universal and other people's experiences are every bit as valid as yours. Looking after children can be absolutely relentless and exhausting and it is vital that all adults in charge of children remain alert enough to carry out their activities safely. A sleep deprived mother nodding off leaving her toddler unsupervised or falling asleep at the wheel of the car if absolutely not desirable. Also we need to put more emphasis on maternal mental health and not pile on expectations that women on maternity leave should do all night wakings, housework, cooking etc because being at home is "easier".

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 07:13

Yeah, I got this impression from this thread too. Piece of piss looking after a baby/toddler during the day, isn't it.

Apparently so. Would love to lend the netflix nappers my 3 for a couple of days Grin

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2019 07:14

all babies nap in the day and maternity leave is all coffee drinking and Netflix watching

My son naps for about an hour and a half a day, split into 3 30 minutes. Always on me. I never watch Netflix or anything - I parent. But I fail to see how cooking lunch for him, playing games with him and taking him to classes is hard work. It’s incredible and it’s fun. It’s full on and it’s challenging but be bloody reasonable it’s much less shit than work! You couldn’t drag me back to work/there’s no amount of money someone could pay me. I am so grateful to my husband for facilitating this with all his hard work - it’s certainly not sexist that I choose to do all this stuff.

NameChangeNugget · 29/04/2019 07:14

YABVU for thinking all circumstances are the same.

In my year as a SAHM, I thought I was living the life of Riley, compared to my DH who was working 16 hour days to make up my income shortfall. A couple of nightfeeds really wasn’t a hardship

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 07:15

A sleep deprived mother nodding off leaving her toddler unsupervised or falling asleep at the wheel of the car if absolutely not desirable. Also we need to put more emphasis on maternal mental health and not pile on expectations that women on maternity leave should do all night wakings, housework, cooking etc because being at home is "easier".

Yes. All these men with life or death jobs but women looking after their kids somehow isn't...

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 07:16

crispy I find work easier. Far easier. I'm respected as an intelligent adult, I can strategize and implement plans. Managing 3 kids is like herding cats.

I wouldn't change it but it's definitely harder than paid work.

OP posts:
whyohwhyowhydididoit · 29/04/2019 07:16

I did all the night feeds because I was bf so it was easier but I would have done them anyway. I was lucky enough to be a SAHM so I saw it as my job. As other people have said if we had a long night I could spend the next day in my pjs or getting a quick nap on the sofa whereas DH (not a nuclear physicist) had to be up, suited and booted and out the door by 7.30am to earn the money for our child to have the privilege of a full time SAH parent.

Of course there were nights when I resented him snoring away while I paced the floor with a screaming baby. I am equally sure there were mornings when he had to go to work and resented my being snuggled up in bed with a baby asleep next to me but that was the division of labour we agreed and it worked well enough for us.

StoppinBy · 29/04/2019 07:17

It depends on how much your baby gets up at night IMO, once or twice, no biggie but if you have a baby that is up and down all night then yes, irrelevant of who works out of the home then both partners do need to take an active role in getting up for night wakings.

MidsomerBurgers · 29/04/2019 07:17

Tapas not everyone is a brain surgeon or heavy mech worker though. Most men and women are office workers.

True, but most of the also have to commute. I want them to not crash into me on my way to work. Many still work in jobs where 100% concentration is needed or mistakes could severely affect lives.

ThisAintAScene · 29/04/2019 07:18

I have a two year old, a one year old and am currently 21 weeks pregnant. While for some, being a stay at home might be a walk in the park and night wakings are a piece of piss - I for one, would absolutely crumble if my DH didn't get up and help as well.

I'm lucky in that my DH has always helped where he could. I've had night where our one year old hasn't sleep one iota for weeks on end, so he's had to be up as much as me to deal with our toddler.

While I do agree the working parent needs to sleep to be able to function correctly at work, the parent staying at home needs to be well rested enough to be on the ball whilst dealing with demanding and defenceless little humans.

FactsOfLife · 29/04/2019 07:19

Hmmm, I'm in the middle on this one.
I think it depends on how well the dad copes physically with getting up to do a feed and how much the sleep is needed and how dangerous the job is if concentration is lost.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 07:19

This exactly people don't seem to realise multiple children is very different to one single babh

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 29/04/2019 07:20

DS just woke up, he went to bed at half seven last night. DH went to bed at eleven last night and got up at six thirty this morning. This is the pattern most days, he is five months old there is a complete lack of acknowledgement on here that not all babies are up every night until they are five years old, not all women on maternity leave are sleep deprived and vomit covered and not all men are arseholes who value their job over their wife's sanity and health. I'm not putting dh first I'm using my paid time off to look our baby, something DH does when he not at work. Tonight he'll get home around nine thirty ten, DS will have been in bed for at least two and a half hours by then, if you consder t mat leave a job he has longer hours than I do.

coffeeagogo · 29/04/2019 07:23

Yabu my husband never did any night feeds as he worked - at night 6 nights a week back then! And on the rare night he had off I wasn't going to express so he could wake up and do it. I never found the night feeding that a big a deal to be honest

Loopytiles · 29/04/2019 07:26

Maternity leave is not being a SAHP.

Fathers should do a fair share of night parenting, with a few exceptions, eg driving roles, heavy machinery, roofing, surgery. It’s not necessarily just feeds.

Maternal health and being safe when in sole charge of a baby (and any older DC) is important.

I initially thought all night parenting was my job, got exhausted, and had several close shaves (boiling water and accidents as a pedestrian pushing pram) when on mat leave with DC1, and some physical and mental health issues, due to sleep deprivation. DC1 was a terrible sleeper (still has trouble sleeping many years on). DH hadn’t initially been doing a fair share and in addition to his job was doing 10 mile runs and looking fresh! He did step up.

Fowles94 · 29/04/2019 07:27

I don't feel looking after my child as equivalent too my job. I suppose it depends how easy your job is though. I work 13 hour physical and mentally tiring shifts so looking after the little one is simple. My partner works with heavy machinery so would prefer him to get a good sleep. He wanted to to do half night feeds but I preferred he sleep, plus I couldn't sleep when the baby was awake anyway.

Loopytiles · 29/04/2019 07:28

Not that SAHM’s (it’s almost always mums) health, safety and wellbeing is any less important either.

Mat leave pay isn’t for 24 hours a day!

Saltystraw · 29/04/2019 07:28

Yes it’s inequality and one I think I have the better deal out of!

I’m so proud to be a women and I’m proud of the role I take.. but it’s conpletley understandable if that role isn’t for you, You just need to work out what works for your family.. All things to be considered and spoken about prior to having children.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 29/04/2019 07:29

Bravo @bumpitybumper

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 07:31

Fathers should do a fair share of night parenting, with a few exceptions, eg driving roles, heavy machinery, roofing, surgery. It’s not necessarily just feeds.

Yes this.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2019 07:31

Look I agree, I think multiple children will be much more challenging - no question. But OP, presumably you had so many close together because you know you have help?

I will not be doing the same because I do not.

People should and I’m
Sure do plan around this sort of thing. You have created a thread judging others for doing things differently but not everyone is in the same boat.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 29/04/2019 07:32

I agree with @TeenTitans. I'm always shocked when women write on here describing being absolutely broken by lack of sleep and a chorus of women chide her for thinking her DH could possibly help because he works.

Sleep is not a luxury. It is a thing you need to live, like food. If a mother was going hungry while the father ate 3 course dinners, we'd say that was unfair. But women are supposed to drive themselves to physical, mental and emotional breaking point for lack of sleep while their husbands snore happily for 8 hours and she dare not interrupt him.

Maybe some of the women posting here had easier babies than mine, but in my experience a 40m nap on the sofa during the day does not in any universe make up for months of broken, inadequate sleep at night.

It is sexist bullshit. No wonder so many women have PND.