To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

Most men and women are office workers. Which is easier than looking after multiple children.

Oh God, PLEASE don’t get me started. I worked in an office with the Boss from Hell. He threw temper tantrums better than any two-year-old I’ve ever known, cussed me out, humiliated me in front of clients and coworkers, went on racist rants, slammed doors, and threw office supplies.

Staying at home with an infant and a toddler on maternity leave was absolute Heaven.

Love the generalization, though

I disagree op. I was a SAHM for my 3, DH was always a hands on dad, did bathing, putting them to bed and I had a lie in at the weekend.

He needed to sleep to go to work, if I had been ill, he'd take over, if I'd had a run of no sleep and asked him to do the nights, he would. Obviously, paternity leave was all hands on deck.

But, he has to concentrate in his job, it worked ok for us.

Alicesweewonders it's fascinating, I seen threads where posters are horrified the father does not help with night feeds. Yes also the, 'being at home with a baby is easier' is different from what I usually read on here.

My sbeh never helped with the night feeds, he used to get angry if I asked as he worked and I was 'lucky' to be at home all day. Funny that, I was exhausted being at home all day with a baby and would have preferred being at work.

I just wanted some help. Reading this thread, maybe I was wrong to expect help.

I think the problem with this issue is that individual experiences of both working and being at home with children can greatly differ.

Some jobs are easier than others and some (most) WOHPs do not need a full night's sleep every night. Some babies and children are easier than others, are better sleepers so disrupt their parents sleep less and aren't so exhausting to look after the next day. Being on maternity leave with an easy baby can be easier than working FT in a stressful job, but staying at home with a difficult baby and challenging toddler can be more tiring and hard than going to work. The range of responses on this thread show this where some posters are adamant that staying at home was easier and vice versa.

I think the most important thing is that we accept that there is no definitive answer as to what is most difficult and therefore when it comes down to dividing responsibilities between WOHPs and parents on ML or SAHP then each circumstance should be assessed on an individual basis. Sweeping statements such as "the parent at home should do all the night wakings" are just so unhelpful as following this advice could lead to an exhausted parent putting their physical and mental health at risk in a bid to not disrupt the full night's sleep that a WOHP gets . Not every mother at home gets the chance to nap in the daytime or to recover missed sleep during another time and not every WOHP is doing some safety critical role that is dependent on 8 hours sleep. We really need to add some common sense here and stop following the engrained mantra that "paid work is king".

It's sounds as if no women are in charge of vital services at work ! What are they supposed to do, get a wet nurse.

Is parenting a competition?
I get up with kids in the night always have done, not because husband is crap just because I wake immediately and I breastfed and for most part worked part time. Husband built us a house , worked full time, did the washing, ironing and hoovering. I went out for catch up days with friends..........mmm I think I have had the easier life!
Kids are older, I work full time and study , we shock horror work in partnership, I do his head in because I am messy he does mine is because he never stops.
Monitoring how much the other half does can lead to resentment , it's about what works for you as a family.
We both do high pressured jobs and life at home is not a competition ( probably cause i do sooooo much less!!)

Makes me chuckle that MN women are happy to berate another woman whose BF asks for their hand in marriage as buying into a sexist and unequal paradigm. Yet, when fathers are expected to help care their own children by sharing night feeds or whatnot, that’s just not on.

To the women on this thread whose husbands don’t help because they do really important jobs: did you take all the parental leave? One way men can start actually pulling their weight when it comes to the relentless and often dull task of caring for their small kids is by putting their money where their mouth is and sharing the parental leave. But if still hardly ever happens because a) U.K. governmental policy has not made it financially viable for many couples and b) because many men just don’t actually really WANT to care for their small children over a more prolonged period because it is exhausting, relentless and can be dull.

But it’s FINE for women to do it. Because childcare is STILL viewed as “women’s
work”. And until the above problems are addressed, fathers will continue to go back to work full time after max 2 weeks’ paternity leave and will have the “get out of jail free card” of needing sleep because they have to go to work all day. So they don’t help their partners exhausting task of, for example, night feeds and the whole cycle of inequality (and inability to empathise with their partner’s position) persists.

My DH is an electrician. I don't fancy him playing with live cables while sleep deprived

@Piglet89
My DH would like to share the parental leave but I want the whole year off. He earns less than half of me so it would make sense financially. But, my job is highly stressful, I’ve worked bloody hard in my career since 21, now I’m 41 and I really want the time away and to look after our baby.
As I posted before, my DH carries all of the load at home. He does almost everything and I’m actually relishing some time to do mundane household tasks for a bit. He already more than pulls his weight at home while I bring in the money we rely on.
Not all women have insignificant low earning jobs whilst their husbands earn the money and do nothing at home. Role reversal in our home. I want to experience the other side!

Huh, and still almost no one has answered why these (mostly) men with their oh so busy and important jobs don’t have to help at nights on weekends. Again, do only parents who work deserve regular days / nights off? What about holiday and sick leave? If DH is sick he can take a day off work, but as we all usually catch it he can’t also take days off when I’m sick before or after - where’s my sick days? The idea that being a SAHP is such a piece of piss is something I’ve rarely encountered from women outside of this thread - what gives, is it just defensiveness?

Of course if your OH runs and A&E and is on a horrid rota, that’s a very different scenario. It’s quite amazing how many partners here have life or death jobs isn’t it?

We all make choices as to how we chose to parent, you CHOOSE demand led, absolutely fine but please don't then complain that because others like me CHOOSE a different way we suddenly have easy babies through luck.

It is luck. I too had premature babies (twins) - one in hospital for two weeks, one for two months. If you got to choose whether to demand feed or feed on a schedule, that’s luck. Unless my schedule was feeding every 90 minutes, i would have just had screaming all day every day. They wouldn’t sleep on a schedule (or at the same time) - if yours did, that’s luck.

The idea that there are large numbers of parents walking around who are suicidal from sleep deprivation and actively choosing that through their parenting is ridiculous.

Nettle That is not typical. I’m in a large twin group and don’t know any twin mums who regularly managed to nap in the day - the fact you got two babies and a toddler to sleep for a simultaneous two hour stretch on one occasion is miraculous, let alone regularly. You should write a book!

Yeah sure.. It is hard work looking after a baby. But when my 11 month old DD naps twice I day I have the option to just sit and have a cuppa. Sometimes I'll do house work but rarely.
Your experience of the “hard work” of motherhood and mine are very different 🙄

And no, of course the majority of U.K. mums aren’t breastfeeding and yet apparently everyone here thinks they all are.

@Megan2018: where did I say that all women have “insignificant low earning jobs”? Nowhere.

I never said you did? I am just sharing my opinion. Wind your neck in love

My dh is a cardiac surgeon

You are selfish. Sorry, but I would be fucking livid if I found out that my cardiac surgeon was up all bloody night with his children!!!!!!!!!!

And to the PP who doesn’t know anyone whose maternity leave was all coffee meet ups and naps - that’s literally a large part of what everyone I know does.

I have an extremely clingy baby who sleeps on me during the day and with me at night and I’ve just had to adjust my life around it. If we have a truly shocking night DH would help out but otherwise it’s my job and I like it.

A friend of mine is on mat leave and her baby gets up twice at night and the husband does one of those feeds and I think she’s massively taking the piss frankly.

I personally don't get those sahm who think that RL looking after her children is work. Both my children suffer from colic and didn't sleep through for months. Still I wouldn't have expected my partners to do night feed when I wasn't at work.

I went back to work full time in a managerial job before my kids were 1. Working has always been massively harder than looking after my children, despite them being demanding children who needed constant stimulation.

Looking after them was hard in many ways, but what requires sleep more than anything is mental concentration. When your job requires it, you need to have your sleep more than anyone else.

Not all women have insignificant low earning jobs whilst their husbands earn the money and do nothing at home. Role reversal in our home. I want to experience the other side!

I get it, I really do - I felt the same but boy was I wrong. And now I can’t go back because my twins both have additional needs and need me around. My stressful job was a cake walk. I used to bring the stress of my job home, most definitely - but on a weekend I could relax and lie in, do something to wind down. My twins are 2.5 now and I haven’t “wound down” once - my brain is always on high alert ever since they were born.

I hope you get a lovely year off work, I truly do - just be realistic about the fact it might not be the break you’re expecting and you’ll cope much better!

Again, do only parents who work deserve regular days / nights off?
It's not about who deserves it most, it's about who needs it more. Similarly, as a SAHM, you are much more likely to bond quicker with your children. Is it fair that mothers deserves it more? No, it is just how roles are divided.

Not all women have insignificant low earning jobs whilst their husbands earn the money and do nothing at home.

Why say this at all if you were not suggesting I had used it as some part of my argument?

Also: “Wind your neck in LOVE”? Do you usually resort to patronising people, rather than actually engaging in reasoned debate and discussion?

*And to the PP who doesn’t know anyone whose maternity leave was all coffee meet ups and naps - that’s literally a large part of what everyone I know does.

I have an extremely clingy baby who sleeps on me during the day and with me at night and I’ve just had to adjust my life around it. If we have a truly shocking night DH would help out but otherwise it’s my job and I like it.

A friend of mine is on mat leave and her baby gets up twice at night and the husband does one of those feeds and I think she’s massively taking the piss frankly.*

Good for them. I don’t recognise this depiction of maternity leave whatsoever.

So you managed to find ways to work around what your baby needs and get some sleep? Great. What if you didn’t? How long would you be able to effectively care for a baby when you’ve had no more than an hour or two’s sleep a night - a week? A month? The whole of maternity leave?

She does sound like a friend of yours TBH

So. Apparently all men have life or death jobs, all women breastfeed, all babies nap in the day and maternity leave is all coffee drinking and Netflix watching.

And sexism doesn't exist anymore right...

I get worked up about it because it's another example of inequality

But it’s not. It’s an example of the reasonable distribution of tasks according to aptitude.

TeenTitans, there are threads on here every day from urate women infuriated that their husbands try to duck out of the night shift. For them it isn't working and they are usually advised to kick him up the arse and make him do his share. These are the women who I'm sure would welcome your intervention and support.

However, if other women are happy doing the night shift or need to for some reason e.g. breastfeeding, what on EARTH is it to you the reasoning they use to justify that functioning arrangement to themselves??? Overinvested much?

Once I went back to work I wanted night wakings because I missed my baby horribly and it let me make up on time missed in the day. My DP preferred to sleep. Worked for us.

Here's a shock for you, given the choice I would far rather not have gone back to work at all and stayed with her for longer. He would never have wanted to do that. This was not about gender or the patriarchy - we are two different people with two different approaches to parenthood.

I think it's a bit of a beak out question tbh.

I don't get annoyed about other people's lives. Coz thats a bit weird

So if night feeds are too much for full time working parents how the fuck are you guys all dealing with sick dc?
well the one who has to stay home during the day with the sick kids that day - I have no childcare when there's D&V for a start, how do you manage to find someone who take yours!, does the bulk of the night shift..

Otherwise, we share, but as we written many times above, if both parents were on parental leave or working full time, then the night shift would be shared equally.

The question is sharing between the full-time working parent and the one on parental leave. Who works full time sleeps. If both work full time, it's 50/50

Cannot make it any more equal if you tried.

TeenTitans
so far it's women who give births and need at least the start of maternity leave, that's sexism for you

When have I said giving birth is sexist?