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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

999 replies

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:23

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 28/04/2019 23:06

If you're at home on maternity leave/paternity leave - then you should be doing the night feeds. Male or female. The person going to work gets to sleep.

Do you really want to risk that the person going to work gets tired and then fired?

TurquoiseAndPurple · 28/04/2019 23:07

I find it really annoying that you're saying my OH doesn't play an equal role just because he doesn't wake with the baby at night. Stop pretending like you have a clue what goes on in other peoples lives.

Jaxhog · 28/04/2019 23:09

I could easily do a days work on four hours sleep.

Unfortunately, that makes you the exception. Most of us couldn't do a full days work on less than 7 hours.

Alicesweewonders · 28/04/2019 23:09

Jeez, this thread makes for depressing reading...

It seems that Motherhood isn't the 'Hardest job in the world' after all. No sir, it's a piece of piss. Sitting on your arse watching Paw Patrol, napping away ( I wish!)

Man, I don't know what we actually need maternity leave for anyway, sure we do bugger all!

Imagine if this has been a thread asking ( and I've seen them) what do SAHM's do all day?? I really doubt these would be the responses.

53rdWay · 28/04/2019 23:11

Do you really want to risk that the person going to work gets tired and then fired?

Do you really want to risk that the person at home with the children gets in a traffic accident on the school run through tiredness, or falls asleep on the sofa while feeding the baby? These are not great consequences either. If I had a nanny I certainly wouldn’t want them to be looking after my kids while severely sleep-deprived.

If the person at home can nap during the day and make up for sleep loss that way then they should. But if that’s not going to work, they shouldn’t be martyring themselves to the point of it being miserable and even dangerous while the other parent gets a lovely uninterrupted 8 hours a night.

SarahAndQuack · 28/04/2019 23:11

@turquoiseandpurple

It is hard work looking after a baby. But when my 11 month old DD naps twice I day I have the option to just sit and have a cuppa.

Grin Ok, you win best stealth boast. It is nice your 11 month old naps not once but twice a day, but ... come on.

Jaxhog · 28/04/2019 23:12

During my sleep deprived hell, I remember pondering that baby sleep is a bit of a feminist issue, and that if men bore the brunt of the sleep regressions and constant wakings, then some technical solutions would be found to help everyone get more sleep!

Oops! A bit of sexism slipping in hear. Why should we rely on men to find the techical solutions? It's up to us women as well.

MammaSchwifty · 28/04/2019 23:16

jaxhog

Not really sexism, just a realistic observation of culture over 1000s of years. And observation of mumsnet threads which are all: "blah blah, they're only little once, blah, just cosleep" in response to some poor sleep deprived woman

Aridane · 28/04/2019 23:16

Ooh - this is the first thread I've read where there isn't a universal clamour that being a mother isn't the hardest job in the world, so much harder than the lush pleasure that is the world of salaried employment

LaCastafiore · 28/04/2019 23:56

No one is pretending it's not hard, but that's what parental leave is for.

When people start to pretend that a full-time worker should handle night shift too - or at least share it - then where goes the point of staying home in the first place? If you can do both, you might as well go back to work.

Well, thanks but no thanks.

user1511042793 · 28/04/2019 23:59

I have worked full time all my life. When I was on mat leave I did all the night feeds. At weekends we shared. Jog on with your assumptions.

roisinagusniamh · 29/04/2019 00:05

I breastfed .....how could my husband do the night feeds ?

m0therofdragons · 29/04/2019 00:29

I breast fed but dh would change nappy then hand me a baby, I'd feed laying down then we'd swap and dh would change dtd2's nappy and hand her to me so I could feed, he's wind twin 1 and we'd all
happily sleep until morning. Then dh would drive an hour to work.

I work in a hospital and this conversation came up recently as a consultant's wife is pg. I know on mnet there's the belief that surgeons are super important so would never do night feeds as they cut people open so need there sleep. Apparently this isn't the case in my area and 8 surgeons sat reminiscing about when their babies were little and the night feeds they did. Most of them, now their dc are older, hold clinics and surgeries in the morning as much as possible so they can do school pick ups as they're all married to career women so share responsibilities. Must have a different breed in the South West.

I think there's a balance and even a nuclear physicist could do a sleep shift so he covered an 11pm feed so the mum could go to bed at 9pm/10pm and get a chunk of sleep.

Dormouselike · 29/04/2019 00:30

YABU. A lot of people are just doing what works for them and it's really nothing to do with you. I think you should mind your own business and worry about something more worthwhile. Some people find staying at home with their baby harder than going to work and some don't. I work part time in a senior management role and I find my days at home with my son much, much easier than going out to work. Am I reinforcing gender stereotypes by enjoying being with my child more than going out to work? Or is it ok as long as I keep going to work, don't let my husband 'get away with' being the only one earning, and don't tell anyone I'd rather be at home with my son?

Aridane · 29/04/2019 00:30

Most men and women are office workers

Only on Mumsnet...

Rosesaredead · 29/04/2019 00:30

I think YABU. In this case, I worked and my DH was a stay at home dad. He did the majority of night feeds because I had to be up at 6, leave the house at 7, and be at work all day until I get home around 8. When I got home I also cooked, cleaned, and look after my child. DH does look after child all day yes, but as a small baby child spend a lot of time sleeping and husband slept when he did. He only woke once or twice in the night and settled after a bottle. If I'd got up I'd have been even more exhausted at work than I already was, but if he got up it didn't matter - he could sleep in late in the morning (baby a good sleeper who loved a little lay in! Wouldn't wake up until 9 most mornings!) DHs job as a stay at home parent was to care for and feed DC. No pressure, no deadlines, nobody judging his performance, he's not being paid and relying on the money to support the whole family! So yes. I think YABU. VU, to be honest.

Aridane · 29/04/2019 00:34

Please tell me what these jobs are where you can cruise through on minimal effort / sleep and that are a piece of piss (compared with looking after your baby). I want one of those jobs!

m0therofdragons · 29/04/2019 00:36

So if night feeds are too much for full time working parents how the fuck are you guys all dealing with sick dc? Dh and I both work full time and 3 weeks ago all3 dc has sickness and diarrhoea but spread out over 2 nights each so 6 nights of no sleep. Dh was on annual leave but still had 2 healthy and lively dc plus a sick one to care for while the other 2 got cabin fever. At night should I really have left him to it?! Yes he did the majority so I'd get some sleep but I definitely did my bit, then went to work and drunk lots of coffee.

b0bb1n · 29/04/2019 01:55

I'm on maternity leave with our 3 week old. My husband works full time. We do it in shifts, I have opted to stay downstairs all night with baby so my husband can sleep and I go bed for a few hours when he gets home from work (he starts and finishes early). It works for us and I don't see the point in both of us being sleep deprived especially when he's working.

Rumbletum2 · 29/04/2019 02:10

I almost never spent my days covered in puke 🙄

Having to drive to work and deal with the public is a lot harder on no sleep than slopping around in your onesie and napping when the baby does.

DH used to do the night feeds if he was off the next day but otherwise it was perfectly reasonable for me to do it.

Eminybob · 29/04/2019 02:49

I understand your point OP, and you are right that there are some lazy-ass men out there who refuse to pull their weight and leave all the parenting to the woman.
And you and your dh seem to have a great set up which works for you.
But YABU to make out that everyone that doesn’t fall into your category automatically falls into the first.
My DH walks to work and has the cushiest desk job ever that he could practically do while asleep. When he has seen how exhausted and frustrated I get sometimes getting up with the baby, he has practically begged me to put him on formula so he can help in the night, but DS won’t take a bottle and besides I’m quite happy EBFing. If he’s still not sleeping through when I go back to work we’ll need to sort something else out as my job involves more driving and concentrating.
And as others have pointed out a lot of men have jobs that require them to be fully rested.
I just don’t think you can call any of it inequality, as it is a choice plain and simple, there are alternatives such as shared parental leave, the father being the SAHP or part time, whatever. But ultimately and historically it’s the woman who does it due to having the equipment. That’s not inequality, it’s biology.

Eminybob · 29/04/2019 02:55

By the way, I’m awake now due to bloody insomnia, the baby is fast asleep the little monkey, but I can guarantee the minute I manage to drift back off he’ll instantly wake up Hmm

AmeriAnn · 29/04/2019 03:12

I look back at sitting in the quiet, in the dark, with my baby at breast with fondness. It was lovely.

Back then I had one job and I did it well.

Mummy578485 · 29/04/2019 03:40

Well I insisted on doing night feeds when DS was younger because DH is an academic and really needs to be alert at work. Whereas I could get through the day even after a bad night.

Now we've switched roles, I'm working and DH is the SAHD. And here I am doing a night feed and feeling very pissed off about it. I think he should be doing it so yes I think YABU.

PregnantSea · 29/04/2019 04:02

My DH runs the emergency department at our local hospital. He really does need his sleep and is on a grueling shift rota which means he's not getting enough as it is anyway, and if he's on nights then he really can't lose out on anymore sleep than he already does or I would be terrified of him crashing his car on the way to/from his shift. This has nearly happened before. He's already a sleep-deprived zombie half the time. So yes, I also have a lot to do during the day but if I'm knackered at least there's no risk of me being in a car accident because I'm not driving somewhere the next day, and I'm not in charge of treating people who are literally dying and relying on me to make difficult snap decisions to try and save their lives in the heat of the moment.

That being said if I was unwell or particularly struggling he would step in and help with the night feeds. He is also very considerate in other ways and very much sees himself as a hands-on parent - he doesn't treat them as my responsibility, it's all shared. So that's why I don't mind doing the bulk of the night time stuff. I think if my DH was a bit of a selfish prick who generally didn't help with the DC then I would hugely resent the night feeds and would probably insist that he shared them with me.

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