To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

My DH is a teacher. He does all the night feeds at weekends and during the school holidays. During the working week I do night feeds as I only have one child to care for during the day, whereas he is responsible for 30! If I'm truly at my wits end and exhausted he will pitch but that doesn't happen very often because he also takes over from me in the evenings so I can get a break. I'd much rather be at home with our gorgeous daughter than do what he does.

I agree looking after a baby is work, yes but I think most people work this stuff out based on common sense. DH works on and around heavy plant machinery and drives long distances for work so being sleep deprived would have been dangerous for him. DD was a total night owl but slept lots during the day so I slept then to catch up, DH having her at night would have meant him going without sleep altogether as it wasn't a case of feeding her and putting her back down.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do it, we all just have to find the best way to muddle through so I don't really get why what other people do bothers you tbh OP

I don't mind that my DH doesn't get up in the night during the week. He does have to go to work whereas tomorrow I don't 'have' to do anything should we have a bad night. Weekends and when the mother returns to work are different stories in my mind but that's down to each couple to sort out what works best for them. If my husband took shared parental leave and I was at work full time I would expect him to do the night feeds.

I think yabu, sorry.
The one at paid work, whether office environment or otherwise, does need their sleep more. At home i could squeeze in a snooze when baby nap or after school run.

I'm with you here. My DH used to do all Feeds between 7pm and midnight-ish while I slept. I did anything after that while he slept 7ish hours before work. We had then both had a chunk and could get on with our respective tasks the next day. In the case of surgeons etc I get it, but most dads could get stuck in at some point during the night.

And isn't it funny how the only people with the 'important jobs' seem to be the precious men, whereas on return to work lots of women just get on with it and do the nights and a job.

Absolutely. I’m back at work now and do an important job that requires me to be alert but that does that mean I get to ignore my crap-sleeper baby all night and just leave him to cry because I can’t possibly lose any sleep as I have a job to go to in the morning?

The important job argument only seems to be apply to the males....

@TeenTitans Prt that's interesting you can get your baby to nap on cue and that you can also do it. Neither me nor kids can!

We have a good routine for the morning so i’m making the most of it while I can. He gets tired after about 1 1/2 - 2 hours of being up in the morning. So after a play, and having breakfast with his daddy he’s ready for a nap. We just go back to bed, I whip out the boobs and it’s zzzzzzz. Afternoon naps he makes me work for! I can’t sleep during the day, that little morning power nap must recharge my batteries enough! It helps that I only have 1 child as well.....

If you share the nights neither of you ends up really sleep deprived. Neither of you is a danger on the roads, or to your job, or your children. Both of you have a decent quality of life, both of you learn how to settle your child.

Nicely put (and more calmly than me )

Also for the poster that put "DH and I were in it together" or along those lines, it wasn't about not being in it together, it was about common sense.

Why would I entertain the thought of DH waking up and staying up just to keep me company whilst I feed, when he was losing out on enough sleep as it is. He never once refused to do a feed, we just did what was best for our family, our situation and both our own sanity. I enjoyed the peaceful time with DD anyway, some of my favourite memories with her are just being alone rocking her to sleep in the darkness just staring at her beautiful face

Wow there are some judgmental people on here

some of my favourite memories with her are just being alone rocking her to sleep in the darkness just staring at her beautiful face

Me too

prt my 3 are completely demand based, we've never had rigid routines so flexibility tends to suit us. None have slept in the day much though, which isn't a problem because both of us share the nights. I think this probably depends a lot on the baby and their pattern.

I think some of you are reacting to one small part of a couples life. A woman doing the night feeds bacause she BFs and knows waking her partner is pointless isn't letting down the feminist cause. She's just making a choice that is better for her situation.

In the same way, a woman who bottle feeds and expects her partner to do a night feed is making a choice that is better for their situation.

An equal relationship is built on much more than who does the night feeds.

I did them on the days DH had to work and we did a night each at the weekend. I don't see being on maternity /SAHP s work. It's just parenting. Id be pretty cross if my partner was going to be home all day but expected me to do the night shift then go to work.

I work full time in a demanding job and have done all the nights bf. I went back when DD was 6 months and at 14 months she still wakes 2-5 times a night. My husband is a SAHD but he's disabled and although he has on occasion got up at night it affects our day time life too much to be worth it. I find it exhausting and bloody hard work but he does everything he can to give me extra breaks at other times. Its really hard being a parent however you divide up the role. If i've had a rough few nights I have no empathy for working parents who don't do the nights because i'm bitter that I can't do the same! Generally though when I was on mat leave I found it alot easier than working and doing the nights. No idea how I would feel if I got to sleep. It sounds blissful and also sensible, it's bloody hard work being at home but doesn't need so much concentration. I still think my DH has it harder than me because toddlers are absolutely exhausting and he does it solo for 14 hours without my physical capabilities. I think single parents are heroes.

@TeenTitans you're talking about equality but what about the fact women generally get first dibs on staying home? On getting maternity leave and/or being a SAHM, yes times are changing but women do still very much have that on their side.

I do understand what you're saying to a degree. I had a friend who infuriated me as she wouldn't let her kids' dads (different relationships at different times) do nappies as "they don't like the smell bless them" ridiculous. But equality and 50/50 parenting doesn't have to be a perfect split of every task, it simply can't be, until men can start birthing and lactating or we start enforcing compulsory paternity leave. There are different ways of achieving a fair deal to ensure all, including employers, are considered.

I know this thread is really long, but: my DP (bio mum) and I shared night feeds. I work in HE, and with a newborn I was writing a book and supervising students, which included dealing with things like suicide attempts in the middle of the night and the fallout from that (ie., it wasn't just a case of smiling and nodding while they talked to me about their essays; it required a fair bit of emergency action). I definitely thought it was sensible for us to share the feeds.

People who say you can sit around watching Paw Patrol must have forgotten what it's like having a newborn. Newborns don't watch cartoons, and they are often pretty fragile. Ours was. No way was I going to leave a woman with PND who'd had a crash section to cope with a baby needing feeding every two hours 24/7.

I agree OP and I think going to work is much easier than being at home with the kid(s) all day. I've done both and I'd much prefer being at work

My husband is a bomb disposal expert and if he loses one millisecond of sleep or is disturbed a small suckling infant- kaboom!
Actually I made that up because of all the nuclear physicists/ brain surgeons on this thread...

YANBU to say that there are many inequalities between men and women in many households and in society in general.

But YABU to think that the person going to work should necessarily share the night feeds. Dh and I work in the same profession. Taking care of a toddler and baby all day was frankly a piece of piss compared with a day at work. The person who needs to be up early, smartly dressed, alert and on-the-ball for work has a greater need to be well-rested. In any case, I had to do the night feeds as I breast-fed.

I just read your updates and realised that you were fine with your decisions and situation OP

I think you should rethink the judging of other people's situations. The thing about womankind is that we are all grown ups and can make our own choices, and suggesting that women who see things differently from you are wrong - and it makes you angry - is about as bad as mansplaining!

fed isn't that because women need to recover from the birth though?

I did all night feeds with DS1. He was an easy baby, he woke for bottles and settled straight back to sleep. I slept when he slept during the day. I never needed or wanted DHs help.
DS2 on the other hand is a nightmare. 8 months old now and a block of 3 hours sleep is a good night. He wakes for the sake of waking, he doesn't want night feeds. Can't sleep when he sleeps in the day as I've got DS1 who has ASD to look after too. I did all the night time stuff for 3 months on my own then had a mental breakdown. DH was horrified I didn't tell him how bad things were (He sleeps like the dead). Surviving on 3 hours sleep, often broken, for months is no fun for anyone. Wether you have a proper job or not. We are currently taking nights in turns, so we're at least alternating a full nights sleep and then alternating a lie in on his days off. It's working well for us, we're both tired but not so exhausted we can't function.

If a woman is struggling mentally/physically/emotionally, then absolutely her partner should be helping to ease that especially if nights are hard and napping with the baby isn't possible. But it's each to their own OP. Some people are happy to do nights in their own. I certainly was with DS1.

I believe I read (in the haze of having a newborn) that middle-class men have been the slowest to rectify the gender gap with housework.

I wonder if this thread is why.

I mean, honestly. I am just giggling at the idea that a lawyer or a nuclear physicist cannot afford to take the slightest yawn at work. FWIW, DP is a stem cell researcher who works with biohazardous tissue. She still manages just fine to stay up when toddler DD is ill, now I'm the SAHP.

My husband doesn't have a particularly mentally or physically taxing job. He'll normally do one or two nights through the week and another at the weekend. He knows how much I struggle being tired and he needs less sleep than me anyway. He's pretty amazing. He sees what I do through the day as a fairly relentless and tough job so wants to help me.

Wow I must be in the minority. I found it much harder being at home than going to work. Going to work I found was like a break! But my kids has terrible reflux and screamed all day for about 8 months, which was pure hell.