To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

I'm agree. My husband did help with the night feeds, I didn't need to ask. He wanted to help and enjoyed the bonding. I personally find it easier to go to work than look after a child full time but everyone is different. Whatever works best for the individuals involved and for us it was sharing the night feeds. Xx

@ShowMeTheKittens 😁

I agree op. I’m sorry but you can easily cruise at most office jobs with little sleep. It’s a lot less exhausting than being on your feet with the kids all day. Obviously, if there’s a big meeting or long drive the next day you need to consider that, breastfeeding is also an issue. However, just doing a nappy change or helping resettle is really helpful. I honestly think there is this martyr syndrome amongst some . They think that it makes them better mums if they are suffering! So stupid. You both have s baby and both should get less sleep for a few months. I could never ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’. That’s bullsh@t. My baby wouldn’t sleep unless being walked around in the pram or lying on my shoulder for the first three months and never for more than 40 mins. How can I sleep then?

Wow there are some judgmental people on here

Quite ironic really seeing as you’re also passing judgements on people’s posts and the way the sleepless nights were dealt with.

Unfortunately, I could not force my husband to sleep. He wanted to sit up with me during the nights because he wanted to offer that support. As I said, I could have told him 101 times to go to the spare room and get some sleep (and probably did do) but he would never have done it.

I did all night feeds - I didn't bother me that much to be honest. I just saw it as my job as I was the one with the breasts. Obv my husband woke up each time because the babies were noisy blighters and so he was knackered for about a year but it was me that fed them. And it's still me that generally gets up with them if they have nightmares etc. Irks me a bit I guess but I naturally wake up when they make noises - he doesn't. I think that's nature isn't it?!

I did all the night feeds both both DC, they were ebf and to be honest I used to enjoy those cosy middle of the night feeding sessions, sometimes exH used to wake up and go and make us both tea.
I really didn’t mind as I was a SAHM and I could nap whenever I liked during the day, exH couldn’t as he was at work. Also both DC were good feeders and slept well from a few weeks old.
I’m sure i would have felt differently if I was working, had trouble feeding them or they were poor sleepers.

I went back to work full time when my second child was 6 months old, husband is a sahd but I do all the night feeds - if he had boobs he would be doing them all!

@TeenTitans see now you're demonstrating a double standard "women need to recover" for how long? How long are we allowed to accept that a woman is doing something specific that can't be split 50/50. That's my point, you can't, we are biologically different from men, we are different from each other as women, and therefore what works for one family won't work for another so there is no black and white approach to equality or a fair balance at home.

My DH needs to drive a fair distance to and from work. I do every week night. He does 1 or sometimes 2 nights at weekends. When he is on holiday we do alternate nights.

Totally fair imo.

My DP works 15/16 hour days on his feet. He doesn't get the opportunity to sit with a coffee and have a nap when the baby does.

And to be honest I don't actually mind getting up.

I'm sorry but you can easily cruise at most office jobs with little sleep.

Lots of people don't have that kind of job.

naturally wake up when they make noises - he doesn't. I think that's nature isn't it?!

Its the other way round in our house

Still can't understand the point of having 2 exhausted adults, completely pointless.

Much better to have support who a) goes to work full time so you don't have to, and can keep breast-feeding your baby and stay in your pjs all day if you want
b) is not so exhausted that does most of the chores once back home after his full time job so you don't have to!

2 adults not sleeping is of no help to anyone, ever.

If you chose to bottle-fed, both go back to work and both share the night-feed, it's very commendable and the right thing to do. If only one of you feeds the baby, makes more sense to share things, not the misery!

I'm sorry but you can easily cruise at most office jobs with little sleep.
you might, most of us can't. That's one of the (many) reasons why women have maternity leave in the first place!

My Dh didn’t do any night feeds. Point blank refused to grow breasts damn him.

naturally wake up when they make noises - he doesn't. I think that's nature isn't it?!

Yes

I did all the feeds for mine as I would wake up anyway if he would have done it. I really didn't see the point in both of us being awake .I was a nurse and so used to shiftwork and night duty and irregular sleep.He worked all day , had long flights frequently and had a lot of responsibility in the workplace We were happy with the arrangement and never really had problems at night .I just fed them and we all went back to sleep.The only time it was difficult was when they were sick.We survived the baby relatively unscathed.The teenage years not so much.

see now you're demonstrating a double standard "women need to recover" for how long? How long are we allowed to accept that a woman is doing something specific that can't be split 50/50. That's my point, you can't, we are biologically different from men, we are different from each other as women, and therefore what works for one family won't work for another so there is no black and white approach to equality or a fair balance at home

I never said women and men were the same. It's not a double standard to say that birth physically affects the woman. However feeding doesn't HAVE to be done by the woman unless you choose to EBF. No one can choose which partner gives birth.

For me it was pretty easy being a SAHM to 2 under 2 compared to the stress of running a business as l was before.

My DH has a senior job which is high pressured and had huge responsibility and only got up in the night if l was ill.

As l knew from my previous role that it is not possible to perform consistantly at work when very tired l was happy to do all childcare.

In my opinion it is usually women who have never had challenging work, who seem to think that the person working (whether male or female) should also get up in the night........

There is no way on earth being in your own home ,with your own time to plan as you wish around your children, is anything like as exhausting or stressful as a challenging work life.

Although l had to say l never did the whole demand thing, my babies were on a (fairly relaxed )eating,feeding schedule.
By the time the youngest was a year old, they both slept for a couple of hours after lunch and went down at 7,30pm in the evening with a sleep feed at 11pm.The youngest then woke at 5.30am.

If l felt as you do op l would have stopped at one child!

I'm sorry but you can easily cruise at most office jobs with little sleep.

I think so too. I find dealing with adults when tired easier than dealing with kids.

Depends on the context... some partners will be doing jobs where they really do need unbroken sleep... but I think you are right to think many men use it as a bit of an excuse or they think thier job is so much more important and difficult than the childcare.. even when perhaps it's not really... especially 9-5 office work.... those people could certainly help out with night feeds once in a while or help by sleeping in shifts.

I mean my husband works 12hr days for the NHS and he still did the odd night for me when he was working the next day so I could have a break. It is a team effort and whilst I dont think being a SAHM is exactly as difficult as his job it is still incredibly draining and non stop, especially when you have more than one... and it can really get on top of you and lead to things like pnd if you are given no support or the odd night of unbroken sleep.

In my opinion it is usually women who have never had challenging work, who seem to think that the person working (whether male or female) should also get up in the night........*

And it's usually women who've had easy children through nothing other than luck who think staying at home is the easy option

YANBU OP. Why should mothers be expected to do 24 hour shifts back to back to back but men do say 8 hours? Yes money ok fine, but what price sanity? Maybe PND would be less common if the dads did one night a week?

Why should mothers be expected to do 24 hour shifts back to back to back but men do say 8 hours?

This is exactly what I'm getting at