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Original poster

To ask if you have a problem with your father walking you down the isle?

374 replies

trully · 28/04/2019 17:00

I have just seen the thread about asking for hand in marriage and seeing how sexist it is etc etc I do agree and I understand where it came from. However, it's the same for your father "giving you away" and walking you down the isle. Does that bother everyone too?

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 28/04/2019 18:11

It meant a lot to my dad but I hated the reason behind the tradition. On the day, he walked me most of the way down the aisle, but I took the last couple of steps by myself. So I wasn't given away, I chose to get married. We also asked our mothers to be witnesses so that they were involved in an official way.

SoupDragon · 28/04/2019 18:12

Just own your anti feminist decisions, don't try and make out it was special because of x, y and z.

No one is trying to "make out" anything. They ar simply stating the facts as they were for them. It's only "anti feminist" if you are too thick to understand that the father doesn't actually have any right give his daughter away.

katmarie · 28/04/2019 18:13

My dad came with me in the car, walked me down the aisle and made a speech at the toast. We also had a best woman rather than best man, and as the bride I made a speech too, so I felt we had nice balance of tradition and modern. My dad was beyond chuffed to walk down the aisle with me, and he was wonderfully calming after my rather frazzling mum helping me get ready. It was one of the highlights of my day.

weddingplannc · 28/04/2019 18:13

The "giving away" part did bother me, but I remember years ago my dad mentioning in passing how upset he would be if he never got to walk me down the aisle (while discussing his health). So, he will be walking down the aisle with me in a few weeks. Also, my aunt walked alone as a public snub of my grandfather (awful controlling man) so my dad would see it in a similar light if I chose to do the same, even though he knows I love him and he's nothing like his dad etc.

DP didn't ask my dad's permission to marry me, I wouldn't have liked that at all and my dad certainly knows that he doesn't have a say in that anyway... BUT he did have to ask my aunt for the ring (my great grandmother's - I inherited it when I was 16 and always wanted it to be my engagement ring, so aunt looked after it so proposal could be a surprise). I've always said to aunt that she could refuse if she wanted Grin but I very much doubt she ever would have, regardless of who was asking.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 28/04/2019 18:15

I think being a feminist is about wanting choice for women. As an independent, professional, qualified, financially self sufficient woman I chose to include my father in my wedding, I see it as a day to do what I wanted, and want making decisions to please anyone else, include the critics

Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2019 18:17

No one is trying to "make out" anything. They are simply stating the facts as they were for them. It's only "anti feminist" if you are too thick to understand that the father doesn't actually have any right give his daughter away.

Well said Soup. Couldn't agree more.

Singleandproud · 28/04/2019 18:19

I'm in no position to be getting married (no partner, single for 10 years) and don't need to be given away. But if I was getting married I think I would like my DD to walk down the aisle with me instead.

Summersunsareglowing · 28/04/2019 18:21

I didn't class it as being given away but as being walked down the aisle by my dad, although we did have the 'who gives this woman' phrase.
I don't think most father's would think in terms of ownership of their daughter. My DH didn't ask my father if he could marry me but I wouldn't have been at all offended if he had.

InspectorClouseauMNdivision · 28/04/2019 18:24

@ZippyBungleandGeorge glad to see I am not the only one thinking this!
I always thought feminism was as well about women having a choice to do or not to do something🤷‍♀️

MoreSlidingDoors · 28/04/2019 18:26

I think being a feminist is about wanting choice for women

The definition of feminism is literally about equality with men. Not women having to make choices about things men never have to worry about.

CheeseIsEverything · 28/04/2019 18:26

I find it irritating how some posters feel they have a right to chastise other women for their own personal choices.

If I want my Dad to walk me down the aisle then he bloody will. I don't need a telling off or a lecture on how I'm being 'anti feminist'.

To me, it's more important to share a special moment with my father than making a point to him and my husband that I'm not their property, of which I know they are already well aware.

We're all adults, we can make our own choices.

MrsDilligaf · 28/04/2019 18:28

My DH approached DF and as I understand it, they'd had a few beers, and so their walk home from the pub was a touch emotional Grin. And before I get bashed for not being in the pub with them, I was at home getting stuck into the grey goose with my Mum.

The same is true for my sister and her husband.

Both my parents raised two strong, independent women. My DSis and I have a strong relationship with our parents, and have grown up knowing that they have our backs. We've never sought their approval as regards partners, and its never been something they feel that they needed to provide.

My parents are very close to their sons-in-law. My DH says that he wasn't "seeking my hand" rather that he was asking to join my family as he has none of his own. He and my Dad are particularly close, and I'm really happy they get on so well.

My Dad walked me down the aisle, my Mum was a witness. Based on this thread I'll assume that my DH is a misogynistic arse, as is my father, and that the choices DH made in respect of our wedding were wrong.

PS I took his name when I married him too!!Confused

dreichuplands · 28/04/2019 18:28

DH and I walked down the room together. We had lived together for ages and it would have been rather daft to involve my dad.

maddiemookins16mum · 28/04/2019 18:29

Getting a loving dad to walk you down the aisle, supporting you etc etc is NOT the fecking same as marital rape fgs.

freshasthebrightbluesky · 28/04/2019 18:30

I wanted my family involved in my wedding so my dad walked me down the middle of the chairs in the register office room, my mum signed the register and my step-dad was in quite a lot of photos with dh & me. It wasn't a case of giving me away, more a case of being part of the celebrations.

CheeseIsEverything · 28/04/2019 18:30

How about just allowing women the freedom to make their own choices as y'know, adults.

My DP wouldn't give a flying toss if I didn't want my Dad to walk me down the aisle. I want him to. I hope that's okay with you.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 28/04/2019 18:41

Women judging other women for their choices is not feminism

thirdfiddle · 28/04/2019 18:41

It would have felt weird for us as a couple since 10 years+, we walked in together. The whole marriage tradition bothered us really. Bugger having to construct your own from scratch though. In retrospect I would have been far happier with 10 people in a register office.

MoreSlidingDoors · 28/04/2019 18:43

Women judging other women for their choices is not feminism

You have the right to make anti-feminist decisions. And feminists have the right to question them.

tor8181 · 28/04/2019 18:49

what your saying and the sexiest attitude thats involved in marriage and being a atheist is the reason i wont marry

we have been together 20 years and hes been told from the very beginning dont bother asking as it will always be a no as i dont believe in it and the sexism that follows after,for example letters addressed to mr and mrs(his first name)surname

Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2019 18:51

And you have the right not to care what people who class themselves as feminists or anyone else thinks and have the wedding day of your choice. Easy.

TheBouquets · 28/04/2019 18:52

I would object to some of those absent non paying fathers taking such a lead role at a wedding he is probably not paying a penny towards.
I may be on my own with this view but I think the parent who was with you while growing up should be the lead figure "walking down the aisle + giving away". That position should be a person respected by the bride.
I was walked down the aisle and given away by my father. It was more symbolic than a realistic giving away of me as a person. This was just as well because the DH was total rubbish and certainly did not match up to my experiences of a husband, father and man. My father and uncles were my experiences. DH was a waste of space

MoreSlidingDoors · 28/04/2019 18:53

I’m off to chuck a load of plastic in my nearest river. Nobody else can object, because it’s my choice. Even though if everyone did it it would impact on everything.

CheeseIsEverything · 28/04/2019 18:54

This is why I very rarely like joining debates like this.

It seems as though women fight to break the chains of being forced to conform in one way to just be shackled to another. God forbid you disagree, unless you want to be labelled 'anti women' of course.

ConstanzaAndSalieri · 28/04/2019 18:55

My father made it very clear he would not ever give me away, as I am my own person, and not his property.

He has officiated at hundreds of weddings over the years too...

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