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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to make them sit outside?

808 replies

FissionChips · 28/04/2019 00:11

DH thinks I was.

A couple of weeks ago a parent from the school run turned up unannounced at my door saying she thought our children might like to play and that she fancied a catch-up.
I made them stay outside on the driveway (back garden unusable atm) and brought toys for the children to play with and chairs for us to it on, outside.

DH brought it up tonight, he saw her whilst shopping and she mentioned she felt a bit down after being here.

My argument is that I have told her before that I don’t appreciate visitors and will rarely invite them inside. I provided a drink for her and brought out blankets when the temperature cooled.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 28/04/2019 22:45

OP
Do you work? What ages are DC?
You only want to speak to your DH and DC, what a very insular life. I can see why you've posted certain things in the past. Your behaviour is a sure fire way to drive away your DH and DC; it's suffocating and extremely controlling.

Goldmandra · 28/04/2019 22:45

FissionChips

OK. I know a few people who say things like this. They all have autism.

You need to understand that what you're experiencing isn't normal. That isn't to say you are wrong or should invite all and sundry into your home. It just means that relatively few people will feel the same as you do.

Other people will think what you do is strange. You don't have to change it but it may help you to be aware of it and to consider the impact this will have on your DC in the future.

You could consider explaining it to other people like the friend who turned up. Saying "I'm sorry. I can't invite you in because having other people in my home make me feel very uncomfortable" it probably better than just trying to make out that hosting someone on the drive in bad weather is a perfectly usual thing to do.

It isn't necessary for people to visit but most people enjoy visiting other people and inviting others into their homes to spend time together. Most people aren't bothered that it will cause a change to their routine.

You might find it helpful to write down some stock phrases and run through them occasionally to help you to deflect unexpected callers or people who want to visit you in a more socially appropriate way. This could help you avoid getting stuck in tense situations like the one described in your OP.

Rachelle11 · 28/04/2019 22:46

But your dp and ds live there too... All you have talked about is you. It blows my mind you don't see that this is extreme.

Oldbutstillgotit · 28/04/2019 22:46

How do you like people to contact you ?

Sofagirl · 28/04/2019 22:49

This reply has been deleted

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HoppingPavlova · 28/04/2019 22:49

Other people don’t belong in my home, they should be in their own home or elsewhere. I’m sure many others feel the same, it’s nothing requiring professional assistance.

While I am not a psychiatrist I was a practising Dr for most of my career and I would argue that you really do need professional assistance. What you write is abnormal and your lack of insight is extremely worrying.

I really doubt your DH will put up with this forever. It seems he is allowed friends but they are not allowed to visit your shared marital home. That’s actually batshit. Having to move to a larger house with a separate area in case your child has a friend over as a teenager, so you never have to see the friend and they can’t set foot in a common area is also batshit. You not seeing that this is extremely abnormal is batshit. It’s quite obviously a mental health issue.

In 20 years time there will a DIL posting on Mumsnet about her batshit MIL that will not let her in the house, makes her sit in the drive with a blanket and has built a weird little outhouse for the grandchildren to sit in when they visit as a bright idea to ‘solve the problem’ as they can’t set foot in the house. Unanimously posters will advise going NC.

Goldmandra · 28/04/2019 22:49

All you have talked about is you. It blows my mind you don't see that this is extreme.

It's quite possible that it hasn't crossed the OP's mind that others may not feel the same way she does about this.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/04/2019 22:50

How do you like people to contact you ?

By telepathy it would seem.

Sofagirl · 28/04/2019 22:51

Actually this smacks of someone who has never gone beyond their comfort zone

Never tried anything new

Likes the safety net of their house where no one can challenge them and is fearful of the world and all of its unpredictabilities

It’s the exact unpredictable nature of life that I find so exhilarating and which others find fearful

It’s also a very selfish selfabsorbed way of living.

Actually not even sure that it is real living come to think of it

So reductive

Acis · 28/04/2019 22:51

I don’t like people in my home because it makes me feel out of sorts. I don’t want to have to make small talk with people in my home who are not my child or DH, I don’t like the disruption it causes to my routine.

But you still had to make small talk with this woman perched on chairs on the driveway with blankets round you. And because of all the performance of having to cater for them outdoors, it was much more of a disruption to your routine that inviting them in would have been, let alone saying that you'd rather arrange to meet up another day.

Plus, you've said that when your children are teenagers you won't allow them to have their friends in the main part of the house. Yet you won't have to make small talk to them, and if they just go to talk to your DC they won't disrupt your routine. It simply isn't logical.

Nothininmenoggin · 28/04/2019 22:52

I haven't read through the thread only because I felt I didn't need to. This attitude to visitors is bizarre and extreme. I feel so sorry for your children (and husband) and feel as they grow older they will be wary of asking their friends round. Your behaviour quite frankly is very odd indeed.

mathanxiety · 28/04/2019 22:55

Since reading your last couple of posts, I really urge you to go and seek help for your problem.

Bring this thread with you.

mathanxiety · 28/04/2019 22:57

It is utterly bizarre that you have planned ahead to buy another home and do some sort of renovation so that your teenage child will have a separate place to socialise.

Presumably you have not asked your child's opinion on this utterly weird arrangement and completely self absorbed set of priorities?

You need to get help for the sake of your family.

MumOfOne92 · 28/04/2019 22:59

@FissionChips you're quite odd Hmm

saraclara · 28/04/2019 22:59

Has your husband ever challenged you on this, OP? Is he happy to never have anyone round? Is he happy for your child to never have a friend visit?

You only speak of your own needs, regarding the home. Are you able to understand that your husband and child have needs related to their home, too?

This does sound like a classic type of Social Communication Disorder/Autism, which you might need help with, for the sake of your realtionship and your parenting.

TeddybearBaby · 28/04/2019 23:00

Ok it’s descending into bullying on here again.....

Op, I cannot get my head round your thinking at all because I’m the opposite to you. I love hosting and I love people coming round and enjoying themselves. My kids have friends round all the time.

I can tell that this is something that you truly feel and you don’t seem to be grasping what other people are saying to you about it being odd. The controlling when you have phone calls etc. Seems hard work too.

It just doesn’t sound like a very relaxed way of living life. It all sounds very rigid and structured and I do think you maybe need to think about the other people in your house here and seek some sort of help. I get that this is your normal and you don’t want to fix anything but what have you got to lose from at least exploring your options 💐

Thurmanmurman · 28/04/2019 23:04

I wouldn’t worry OP, pulling stunts like this will ensure nobody turns up at your house again, invited or not.

Original poster
FissionChips · 28/04/2019 23:06

It is utterly bizarre that you have planned ahead to buy another home and do some sort of renovation so that your teenage child will have a separate place to socialise

Why wouldn’t a teenager like to have a bigger space to socialise in?

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 28/04/2019 23:07

@Sofagirl, your posts have really upset me so heaven knows how the OP feels.

I have two DDs with AS who sometimes wonder what other people get from social interaction.

I think it would be a really good idea for you to leave the thread.

PCohle · 28/04/2019 23:08

I also think sofagirl's posts are appalling.

Twillow · 28/04/2019 23:10

You are missing the point about the teenage space - it feels as though you would ONLY want their friends to be in THAT space. Would you be comfortable about that friend staying overnight, or using the bathroom, or eating with you? If not then that visitor is going to feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. Your home is also your child's home, surely.

mathanxiety · 28/04/2019 23:10

Bigger space - not a problem.

Separate from the rest of the family and home - massive problem.

MsTSwift · 28/04/2019 23:11

Op is abit unfriendly and unusual hardly crime of the century or mean you deserve a lonely death!

Crazycrazylady · 28/04/2019 23:14

I think op that it's your insistence that your behavior is completely reasonable which stands out for me when it's clearly wildly outside standard norms. If you had come in here accepting that you had an issue and asking for support and understanding I'm sure you would have gotten kinder responses but you seem to think that what you did wasn't unusual when clearly to most people it is. When your behaviors embarrasses your dh and dad, I really think it's time to talk to someone .

Sofagirl · 28/04/2019 23:15

Apologies if I’ve offended anyone - I was just trying to point out what the ultimate conclusion would be if this kind of behaviour continued and would OP recognise it?

I had a feeling that in order to get my point across in this particular thread it was necessary to be really blunt

I still feel mine is a valid point however

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