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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to make them sit outside?

808 replies

FissionChips · 28/04/2019 00:11

DH thinks I was.

A couple of weeks ago a parent from the school run turned up unannounced at my door saying she thought our children might like to play and that she fancied a catch-up.
I made them stay outside on the driveway (back garden unusable atm) and brought toys for the children to play with and chairs for us to it on, outside.

DH brought it up tonight, he saw her whilst shopping and she mentioned she felt a bit down after being here.

My argument is that I have told her before that I don’t appreciate visitors and will rarely invite them inside. I provided a drink for her and brought out blankets when the temperature cooled.

WIBU?

OP posts:
YemenRoadYemen · 28/04/2019 21:49

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Bluntness100 · 28/04/2019 21:53

I'm guessing op you don't want to tell us why.

I get a sense from your posts that instead of taking responsibility for the way you've behaved, you blame this woman. For turning up when you'd told her you didn't like visitors. If she hadn't done so you wouldn't have entertained her and the kids on the drive.

Which is to an extent true. But you had other options. You could have just said you were busy, and to say you'd set up another time to meet up.

Your husband is embarrassed because the behaviour is odd. If you'd just said you were busy he wouldn't have been embarrassed. If you'd said the same to her, she wouldn't have felt sad about it afterwards.

I genuinely think you panicked, and this was your solution, you didn't want to turn her away, and you didn't want her in the house, so your brain grasped at this.

I suspect you know it wasn't right. As said, use it as a kick up the bum to sort out whatever issue you've got going on in relation to your home and people seeing it.

Yoursilentface · 28/04/2019 21:56

Would you let your child have a friend round for tea?

What about a girlfriend or boyfriend when they are older?

What about health visitor or a mobile hairdresser?

I feel we need more info on why.

Shefliesonherownwings · 28/04/2019 22:02

Do you not let anyonre in your house? Not even your family??

I'd be horrified by your behaviour. Regardless of how many times you'd said to her you don't like people turning up, she did, which is poor form. But to then make her sit on the driveway is ridiculous and incredibly rude, you had the opportunity to say sorry it's not convenient. I bet she felt awkward as hell and that's why she stuck around for a while. You can rest assured she won't be turning up again so you got what you wanted.

Yoursilentface · 28/04/2019 22:03

I think the friend was testing op.

She knew she was werid about having people in her house so dropped by to see what she would do - and op didn't dissapoint.

RiotAndAlarum · 28/04/2019 22:05

This is brilliant. FissionChips tells us she doesn't allow people in her house, and then MNers spend 26 pages virtually knocking on the door, peering in the windows, speculating loudly about what's inside, how rude FC is, how miserable the DC's life is, how offended they are as unwanted guests, while FissionChips keeps firmly repeating that visitors aren't welcome.

I feel as though it's a sort of Cheeky Fucker parking one's arse and one's child on the driveway thread!

Brava, FissionChips!

RubyTrees · 28/04/2019 22:05

I feel we need more info on why.

So many PPs have asked the OP why - she won't (and is unlikely to) give an answer.

MsTSwift · 28/04/2019 22:05

What happens when dc adults and have serious relationships? At what stage would a girlfriend be admitted? On an engagement? What if they lived together. Visions of Christmas lunch with a mournful fiancée sitting on the driveway

Sofagirl · 28/04/2019 22:07

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are quite a few odd and nasty rude oddballs out there in the world, where their idea of norm is significantly out of sync with the world.

There’s only one sentence that can sum up this debacle for the OP which is:

Where’s your sense of hospitality and general kindness?

None of us live in a social vacuum.

I’m sure you will face a similar situation in the future where the tables are turned and perhaps no one wants to spend time with you or your family

MooseHoose · 28/04/2019 22:10

Well, I guess a lot depends on how it was done. I’d imagine if you were friendly and it was a nice day and you just brought seats outside to sit in the sun, along with cups of tea, then all that wouldn’t really seem rude. And if you were both some comfortable there but you said something like, ‘it’s getting nippy - I’ll get blankets’ then that wouldn’t be rude. I’ve been outside at friends’ houses and they’ve done that rather than us all go in. Like you say, the back garden wasn’t in use.

I also agree that just turning up without invitation or knowing if it’s convenient and expecting to come in isn’t very good manners. Plus you’ve said no before.

But if you’ve just pointedly made her sit on the drive in an unfriendly way that’s totally different. I guess at least she won’t be doing it again!

justarandomtricycle · 28/04/2019 22:12

"Wait, when did we build that charming snowman out the front?"

"We didn't, that's your daughter in law. Now have some more turkey before strangers turn up and eat it all"

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/04/2019 22:25

OP said on the other thread that people ask her in real life if they can contact her on such and such a day.

But how does that work? Surely they have to contact her to ask permission to contact her? Confused

Rafabella8 · 28/04/2019 22:27

Yes. Completely and utterly.

Ninkaninus · 28/04/2019 22:28

She was really rude to show up expecting you to host her at home when she knows full well that you do not like to do so.

Yes, you maybe were rather unconventional in your response, but actually, you’ve hopefully ensured that it won’t happen again.

The problem with people like that is that they don’t really respond to the unspoken implications of social niceties (I.e. ‘I’m uncomfortable with you turning up at my door uninvited when you know I don’t like it, but okay, let’s have a nice, polite, but strained and awkward afternoon where I have to go out of my way to accommodate your wishes when you’ve totally disregarded mine, and then let’s agree that having observed how awkward this has been, you never, ever turn up like that again’) and I can bet she would’ve done the same again multiple times, had you invited her in and rewarded her rudeness by giving her exactly what she wanted. So although I wouldn’t have actually done this myself, I can understand why you did it, and I don’t think it was such a big deal. She was rude, entitled and intrusive. She likely won’t do it again.

Ninkaninus · 28/04/2019 22:31

And just in case this is a reverse, you really should not invite yourself over to someone’s home and basically turn up demanding to be let in, if you know they do not like hosting visitors.

MsTSwift · 28/04/2019 22:33

God turning up unannounced isn’t that bad. It’s the pushy end of normal behaviour.

Agree the op is unlikely to be troubled by the poor woman again or indeed anyone else for that matter. Splendid isolation achieved. I hope op is absolutely sure that is what she wants? Could be a lonely old life

Original poster
FissionChips · 28/04/2019 22:34

I allow family to visit as long as they tell me in advance and don’t stay too long.

I don’t like people in my home because it makes me feel out of sorts. I don’t want to have to make small talk with people in my home who are not my child or DH, I don’t like the disruption it causes to my routine. I just don’t see why it’s necessary for her or other people to visit or what’s wrong with refusing them.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 28/04/2019 22:36

For those who haven't read all of the responses;
.OP doesn't allow play dates
.Her DH isn't allowed friends in
.When her DC are older she plans to buy a larger home and segregate them
.People should check it's ok to txt/call
All sociable behaviours 🙄🙄

YemenRoadYemen · 28/04/2019 22:40

I, I, I, I...

There are other people who call your house their home, OP.

Singlenotsingle · 28/04/2019 22:42

So do make a cup of tea for these people who have prearranged their visit and agreed not to stay too long? Wink

MarthasGinYard · 28/04/2019 22:42

So I take it the party is at yours OpGrin

WeMarchOn · 28/04/2019 22:43

Do you have ocd?

Sofagirl · 28/04/2019 22:43

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RubyTrees · 28/04/2019 22:44

When her DC are older she plans to buy a larger home and segregate them.

I just can't get my head around this one.

youknowmedontyou · 28/04/2019 22:44

I don’t like people in my home because it makes me feel out of sorts. I don’t want to have to make small talk with people in my home who are not my child or DH, I don’t like the disruption it causes to my routine. I just don’t see why it’s necessary for her or other people to visit or what’s wrong with refusing them.*

But you were out of routine and making small talk in your driveway? So that makes no sense whatsoever. Had you said sorry not now I'm busy but you didn't.

And as PP said my and I, what about ours and we?