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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to make them sit outside?

808 replies

FissionChips · 28/04/2019 00:11

DH thinks I was.

A couple of weeks ago a parent from the school run turned up unannounced at my door saying she thought our children might like to play and that she fancied a catch-up.
I made them stay outside on the driveway (back garden unusable atm) and brought toys for the children to play with and chairs for us to it on, outside.

DH brought it up tonight, he saw her whilst shopping and she mentioned she felt a bit down after being here.

My argument is that I have told her before that I don’t appreciate visitors and will rarely invite them inside. I provided a drink for her and brought out blankets when the temperature cooled.

WIBU?

OP posts:
NorthernKnickers · 28/04/2019 19:28

I'm not getting the difference between a message via text, or WhatsApp...it's still a typed out message, delivered to your phone or device, that you hear 'ping' or whatever, then open up and read! It's a text message, on an app...call it what you like, it's still a message that has been 'texted' to you 🤷‍♀️

RedDogsBeg · 28/04/2019 19:28

WhatsApp is just another way of making a call or sending a message surely. I use it because of it being able to be used through Wi-Fi, but it is essentially no different to receiving a call or text from someone in my contact list but not on WhatsApp as their details will appear on the screen when they do so.

DontVisitMe · 28/04/2019 19:30

I don't have a problem with text messages or emails either, but if you think that receiving a message via a text system is the same as a phone call, then that's weird.

mathanxiety · 28/04/2019 19:32

I’m sure many others feel the same, it’s nothing requiring professional assistance.

Wrong on both counts.

You need help. If you are already under the care of a MH specialist, then you need to go back for a checkup.

Bring this thread with you.

Justonemorepancake · 28/04/2019 19:40

This is the first time you have mentioned mental illness. Your OP asked if YABU to make friends sit outside, as if you didn't know. Now you know it is unreasonable behaviour for a well person. If it's down to severe mental illness then that's a different story. But acknowledge that your mental illness makes you behave in ways that would otherwise be unreasonable, and if your DC's friends and parents aren't aware of your illness then yes, they will also view your behaviour as unreasonable. You either let them know why or just live with their suppositions on your character. An honest conversation is needed with your DC though, if it hasn't happened already, as to why they are not allowed friends over, and how it's down to an illness out of your control (assuming you've sought help that hasn't worked) as they will need to 'get' this sooner rather than later or they will come to resent your behaviour and the effect it has on their social life.

DontVisitMe · 28/04/2019 19:44

If that's aimed at me, I'm not the OP and I mentioned my mental illness in my first comment on this thread.

Justonemorepancake · 28/04/2019 19:45

Oh bugger sorry - thought you were OP on a name change! Maybe it applies to her anyway...

LordPickle · 28/04/2019 19:48

Please come back @FissionChips

I think a lot of posters, myself included, genuinely want to understand why you would be so against having people in your house.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 28/04/2019 19:51

Your DH isn’t allowed to bring people into his own home? That’s v weird. Your behaviour was v weird. What about when your child is upper primary age - friend obsessed but not old enough to go out unsupervised? Will you not let him have friends over ever? or just make them all play on the drive

Cryalot2 · 28/04/2019 19:52

I find it strange , but that's only me .
Wrong of her to turn up unannounced, but you could have made a polite excuse that it did not suit.
Maybe I am strange, but anyone with only one exception who comes to our house gets invited in, unless we are going out. If it is a meal time , the food is offered to them.
( there is always something in the fridge or freezer) . Maybe I should keep them out as I am not the most house proud (owing to poor health and unable to afford a cleaner)
But I would think you will have no bother with her or anyone again. I only hope that your child does not lose friends as a result.
Perhaps she was not your sort , maybe she was needing to open up to someone as you never know . Her child may have been anxious and wanted to play with your child, and she was only doing what she thought was right .
Sometimes people need a friendly chat as goodness only knows what they are going through. Never assume things are wonderful or otherwise.
Why do you not like people in your home?

user1480880826 · 28/04/2019 19:57

Weird to turn up unannounced. Weird to not get the message when you’re not invited in. Even weirder to make a guest (unannounced or otherwise) sit on your driveway.

Your kids are going to start to find your behaviour really odd as they get older and will resent you. Your actions might risk their friendships.

Waveysnail · 28/04/2019 20:02

What would happen if child or lady wanted the toilet?

youknowmedontyou · 28/04/2019 20:04

Oh and how do they contact me? You do realise WhatsApp exists?

What's the difference between that and text or voice call? Interested to know how this is less intrusive.

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2019 20:18

I think it's very clear the difference between a phone call or a text. Although I don't understand the difference between a text via your normal via a text via what's app.

DontVisitMe · 28/04/2019 20:25

No difference between text and WhatsApp. Massive difference between text and phone call.

For a start, there's the actual phone ringing. No one rings me unless there is an emergency. The phone ringing triggers my PTSD - that's how I received extremely traumatic news. That and the door knocking.

Speaking to someone and typing a text message is also a very, very different experience. I'm not sure what's so hard to understand.

Original poster
FissionChips · 28/04/2019 20:33

Some very strange assumptions about me and my home on this thread.
My home isn’t dirty and it isn’t pristine, its normal.
I would’ve allowed them to use the bathroom if needed.
Yes I allow tradespeople in, why wouldn’t I? They are there for a purpose.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 28/04/2019 20:36

Why wouldn’t I ?

Why wouldn’t you invite a guest in your house ?

I may of missed the reply as lots of other ages added since I last read.

DistanceCall · 28/04/2019 20:38

Yes I allow tradespeople in, why wouldn’t I? They are there for a purpose.

Things are there for a purpose. People are human beings. They don't have "a purpose".

Your house, your rules. But you have a child. Just be aware that he's going to be the one with the weirdo mum who's not allowed to bring friends home because she freaks out.

youknowmedontyou · 28/04/2019 20:38

Yes I allow tradespeople in, why wouldn’t I? They are there for a purpose.

So socialising is not a purpose? But you don't have social anxiety?

Fishcakey · 28/04/2019 20:39

I totally get this. I can't bear unannounced visitors and wouldn't dream of turning up unannounced at someone's house. They wouldn't even have got a chair in the garden at my house!

StCharlotte · 28/04/2019 20:43

I've made it to page 8 and I am going to make the assumption that your house must be a complete shithole. If not, then you really need to grow up. Sorry to be so harsh but your behaviour is not normal or reasonable.

RedDogsBeg · 28/04/2019 20:46

Now you've said no-one actually rings you only communicates by written message then it isn't hard to understand.

Cryalot2 · 28/04/2019 20:47

Op sorry if I seemed rude, but your post is strange to me.( my fault maybe)
For health reasons my home is not spic and span, and not as I would like it, but there is a welcome and the offer of tea for.all who come to the door .
I have anxiety and other problems , but behind my makeup I look ok. Sometimes it would be great to chat to someone. ( I hate to trouble my friends)
I also have to remember that it is not just my home, but my DH and adult kids and the dog. It's the home of us all.
Is there not part of your home you could be comfortable with others in. ?
How does your DH really feel on this?
Is it a class thing, religious, fear of germs or destroying or making your home untidy or cultural ?
Only you knows the reason .
I wish you well , but most people do have people in their homes.

Shouldhavebeenkat · 28/04/2019 20:48

I have only read around half the thread so apologies if this has been said, but how do you know it wasn’t DH that brought it up to her, perhaps “oh I am sorry fission didn’t ask you in” It is HIS house as well, if he is embarrassed, he may well have had a real shock at just how rude you came across.

I don’t like unannounced visitors either, and nowadays have a 10 minute text rule, (ignored by most of my family but that’s a whole different story!) so I can cast an eye around for dirty dishes washing etc. While my kids were wee, friends who popped in genuinely had to take us as they found us, I had 3 under 3 and 1 additional needs BUT they needed friends more than I needed to not be embarrassed and home was a darn sight easier than trekking them all out. For years my kids had various friends stay most weekends.

The way you are is just NOT conducive to your kids making good close friends. Your husband may want friends to be able to “call in” too, are you willing to potentially lose all of that to not have “randoms” because now he needs you to accept it’s not normal and It WAS rude. He was embarrassed, it will only be a few short years before that embarrassment is your kids too.

If it’s anxiety, stress, mess, whatever perhaps you need to talk to someone to work through what would work with your own boundaries but being more open to changing a bit too (a lounge that’s not family space?! Go the old fashioned “visitor” room way? )

nancy75 · 28/04/2019 20:51

I’ll be honest, I presumed the house was a total hovel, your level of determination to not let people through the door seems so odd I could only think it must be because the place was a tip