WIBU to make them sit outside?

[FissionChips]

DH thinks I was.

A couple of weeks ago a parent from the school run turned up unannounced at my door saying she thought our children might like to play and that she fancied a catch-up.
I made them stay outside on the driveway (back garden unusable atm) and brought toys for the children to play with and chairs for us to it on, outside.

DH brought it up tonight, he saw her whilst shopping and she mentioned she felt a bit down after being here.

My argument is that I have told her before that I don’t appreciate visitors and will rarely invite them inside. I provided a drink for her and brought out blankets when the temperature cooled.

WIBU?

I hate uninvited guests too but you are very wrong to impose your weird rules on your husband to not allow him to invite friends over. It is his home too ffs.

Also weird to buy a bigger house just so teens can be kept in one room and not go anywhere else in the house!

Bluntness I am often in our hot tub when friends / neighbors pop round so they have to deal with fact I am dripping wet and in swimmers . Doesn’t bother me. I like the phrase “take us as you find us” and surely anyone dropping in has to be prepared for a non visitor ready house

WIBU to make them sit outside? (550 Posts)

A few posts saying YWNBU over 500 posts saying YWBVU

Op: no I’m not

"Well on another thread OP said she even finds someone texting/messaging her without prior notice stressful..."

Having to give someone notice before sending them a MESSAGE is the most MN thing I've ever read. Even by this site's lofty standards, that is just fucking mental.

It’s people like you OP that make me wonder how the hell you got married?

Like when you were dating your husband was he never allowed in your house? How did he ever contact you if you block text messages?

Did you make him sit in the drive way and send smoke signals to each other?

Of course they should take you as is, and no good friend would judge. Unless of course there is something extreme going on, and even then if they knew it would be more concern.

But how you're dressed or what state your hair is not relevant to a friend. But then that's not the ops issue, it was the other posters. The ops issue wasn't her, it was her house.

I don't like people just turning up either. Makes me anxious and annoyed both at once.

However, if someone did turn up I'd be accommodating but likely send them a quick message after they left saying it was nice to see them but please next time let me know if they are coming.

I think you were quite rude. I think you have to be considerate when children are involved - if just an adult youcan be a bit more abrupt but a child will not understand why you are acting how you are. Also bare in mind how it may effect your children. It's fine to be unsociable but it would be a shame if their friends feel uncomfortable or their parents don't let their kids stay at you're oe you don't let them because of how you are about privacy.

I don't blame you feeling how you do at all - like I say, I'd feel pretty put upon. I think DH was over the top with 'mortified' though.

How do you give notice that you're going to send a message of unexpected texts are so offensive? Passenger pigeon?

Carrier pigeon even, considering that passenger pigeons are extinct that'd be even more impossible.

How do you give notice that you're going to send a message of unexpected texts are so offensive? Passenger pigeon?

OP said on the other thread that people ask her in real life if they can contact her on such and such a day.

Thank you. That's completely batshit though. I have mental health issues myself and autism but there's a limit.

Other people don’t belong in my home, they should be in their own home or elsewhere. I’m sure many others feel the same, it’s nothing requiring professional assistance.

To be honest, I think it does. Because clearly people behaving fairly normally are causing you stress, and b) you are bringing up children. Presumably you want them to be relaxed, comfortable, and to be able to socially comfortable and accepted. Which means they need to be comfortable having friends round, and know how to react appropriately when they do.

Thinking that there's something wrong with people being in your house and not theirs, is very odd.

@radiomeinradio bloody hell, imagine the OP’s horror if an unexpected pigeon turned up at her house!

My autistic 16yo son thinks this is the rudest piece of batshit behaviour he's ever heard of.

OP, surely you must have had to entertain visitors? Health visitor? Relatives? What about tradesmen?

I'm chronically anxious and socially inept. I feel sick with worry when people are coming to my house, I thought it would get easier the more I did it, but it hasn't. The answer isn't to just stop making the effort though. That's unfair on everyone.

Agree with previous posters that you need help. It is categorically NOT normal to refuse to allow anyone to enter your home.

Hi OP. Really interesting thread. Of course, you have the right not to invite her in. Though as you have been on playdates before and she felt like a catch-up, it seems as if she thought you might be a friend rather than an acquaintance. To an extent I expect we all have mild panic when someone turns up unannounced and the washing uo isn't done / laundry drying etc. But real friends don't care about that - it's just real life. Isn't it? And what about relatives, are you comfortable having them round?

Your attitude is, clearly with the other posters' comments. unusual. Many people seem to be wondering if there some reason behind it, for example, do you have obsessive tendencies about cleaning? Is there something you are ashamed of?

For me, the issue is this: Other people don’t belong in my home, they should be in their own home or elsewhere. Homes ARE for the people who live there, but they are ALSO (in most people's eyes anyway) important for offering hospitality to friends and relatives. It sounds as if you find this impossible. Which in turn affects those you live with - your husband cannot have friends over, and your child cannot show his/her toys to their friends. This is a big part of most children's childhoods.
I think that, when the time comes, your child may feel very uncomfortable even inviting a friend to the teenage den. And that's a bit sad, isn't it?
Why don't you have a conversation with your child and partner about how they feel with this situation? Perhaps they are not telling you how it makes them feel out of consideration for your feelings? Would you be able to give even a little if you realised it affected them? Because this post is actually not just about this particular visitor, it seems to me, but anyone coming into your home.

Fascinating thread, but sad too. I'm reading it wondering if the OP has ever been attacked and subsequently made her home her fortress.
Like everyone else, I'd love to know what level this goes to. No trades people allowed in ever? Let's say the boiler breaks. Would a plumber get access if he has an appointment?
Are relatives welcome/allowed?

Your behaviour made your partner feel mortified, yet you are still committed to your 'nobody allowed inside' rule. I hope you can rethink this and make the house a welcoming home for your family's friends.

Whatever it is you need to do - declutter, clean, get a hoarding expert in, get therapy for social anxiety - I don't know which applies.

From this thread alone , wether it's portrayed you correctly or not , it does sound like you have severe issues / anxiety surrounding your home and social skills.

That being said I completely agree that you are not in anyway shape or form obliged to entertain people because they've turned up unannounced , there is nothing worse. But the way you dealt with this is very odd , sorry.

A better way of dealing with this would have been "sorry friend we really aren't prepared for visitors , let's arrange a play date soon though. I shall message you later on"

I do agree with PP that this could impact your DC and they might be known as having that mum , I knew a couple of those when I was younger.

I also think this is a fascinating thread and I think it's real.

There is clearly a few people on here with social anxiety, who don't like to be taken unawares by guests, and prefer not to host in their own homes, but I don't think anyone has said they would entertain in their driveway in this manner to avoid it. Because the op is clearly ok with socialising , she just didn't want it in her home. So it's less social anxiety and more fixated on the house,

The thing is op, because of the extremity of this, you don't want your kids to grow up thinking this Is normal. Nor do you wish them to be teased or bullied at school, think how your husband felt, your kids will feel that times a million.

So I do think for your sake and your families sake, you need to seek help with what ever is causing this, be it ashamed of your home for some reason, fear of germs, whatever, I think maybe now is the time to go and get it sorted and use this as the kick up the backside to do it.

Im not a good person, because my first thought was that the OP is already a subject of discussion at the school gate, and Driveway Lady was dispatched on behalf of the others to find out if things are really as peculiar as they seem. Maybe i have been watching too much Mean Girls!

OP, it really truly isn't normal to bar everyone from your home. Im a big believer in not allowing anxieties/ fears to control your life, because if you do, they have a nasty way of getting bigger and dominating life. Is there anyone you count as a friend? Could you work on allowing that person to come round at a pre-arranged time, for half an hour or so? If you got comfortable with having someone "safe" in the house, it might help to deal with your anxiety over having "randoms" in the house.

You sound extremely hard work and I'm surprised you have any friends at all if they can't give you a call

That's nice. I'm extremely mentally ill, which does make me extremely hard work, but thankfully my friends understand how mental illness and trauma work and aren't judgemental in the slightest.

Oh and how do they contact me? You do realise WhatsApp exists?

Don't visit me, glad you have friends. If I was friends I couldn't contact you as I don't have what'sup.

This is one of the maddest things I’ve ever read.

OK? All my friends and family do, so a bit of a non-issue.

It's great that the disableist language is continuing though. Insane, batshit, mental, maddest, rude, weird...

Do people not understand how seriously dehibilitating and isolating real mental illness is?

DontVisitMe it would have helped if you had stated earlier that you had mental health problems. Posters would have been more understanding.

I did.