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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to make them sit outside?

808 replies

FissionChips · 28/04/2019 00:11

DH thinks I was.

A couple of weeks ago a parent from the school run turned up unannounced at my door saying she thought our children might like to play and that she fancied a catch-up.
I made them stay outside on the driveway (back garden unusable atm) and brought toys for the children to play with and chairs for us to it on, outside.

DH brought it up tonight, he saw her whilst shopping and she mentioned she felt a bit down after being here.

My argument is that I have told her before that I don’t appreciate visitors and will rarely invite them inside. I provided a drink for her and brought out blankets when the temperature cooled.

WIBU?

OP posts:
youknowmedontyou · 28/04/2019 16:39

@InfiniteCurve name change fail? 😂

IvanaPee · 28/04/2019 16:40

InfiniteCurve said she posted too soon then lost her train of thought.

I’m assuming she was quoting the OP.

Traveler001 · 28/04/2019 16:42

How do you give someone prior notice of sending them a text? Confused 😂

TapasForTwo · 28/04/2019 16:43

Other people don’t belong in my home, they should be in their own home or elsewhere. I’m sure many others feel the same, it’s nothing requiring professional assistance.

@FissionChips It is a weird attitude and not normal. DD’s boyfriend’s parents are like this. They get talked about in a very negative way by his friends, my friends and DD’s friends. He hates and resents his parents for never being allowed to have friends round, and he hates that his mum had a tantrum when he asked if DD could stay over when it was his birthday. As far as they are concerned birthdays are for the family only, and no-one, not even a girlfriend of 3 years, is allowed to be included.

He went to university 5 hours away so that he didn’t need to see much of his family, and he never wants to return home to live. He doesn't even spend the holidays at home because he would rather stay at university with his friends. All because his parents are like you.

youknowmedontyou · 28/04/2019 16:44

Well on another thread OP said she even finds someone texting/messaging her without prior notice stressful...*

How on Earth co you give prior notice to a text or phone call?

IDontMindAnythingWillDo · 28/04/2019 16:45

That’s very very weird OP.

TapasForTwo · 28/04/2019 16:46

How on Earth co you give prior notice to a text or phone call?

Grin

It sounds like the OP has social anxiety, but is in denial about it.

lisamac28 · 28/04/2019 16:53

How do you give someone prior notice of sending them a text?

Well you can't really but OP said she finds it intrusive to get a message/text without prior notice...and she would ignore and block people who did so.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/04/2019 16:56

DH simply doesn’t invite his friends over.

Probably because the poor sod knows you’d make them sit on the drive.

Other people don’t belong in my home, they should be in their own home or elsewhere.

No, they don’t actually belong there. This is why they’re called visitors. They come, they visit, they leave. You are seriously peculiar.

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2019 16:58

To be fair, fissionchips, the op, is a fairly regular poster and always seems quite normal, so this thread is really unusual and off the wall in its extreme oddness.

But more because she had to ask as well as did this in the first place.

Fissionchips, I don't know what has caused you to do this, but I think if you think about it, you will likely know people don't entertain guest on their driveways, having people in your home is normal. I think deep down you know this.

I think, as much as you're protesting you don't want this woman encouraged and she's just some random, in reality you'd like to be her friend, so opted for the driveway option as you didn't want her in the house, or in the back garden, possibly able to see into your house, but wanted to spend time with her. Now you're upset due to how she's reacted to your behaviour..

So I think the key here is your house, and your feelings about it, which is driving you to this behaviour.

Roussette · 28/04/2019 16:58

I would send them a text to say I'm sending a text but then send another text to say I will be sending a text to warn of the fact that I'll be sending a text and then... Grin

PreseaCombatir · 28/04/2019 16:59

Well you can't really but OP said she finds it intrusive to get a message/text without prior notice...and she would ignore and block people who did so.

No way, OP surely does not block people who text without giving prior notice. 😂

Surely giving your number out is the ‘prior notice’ someone might use it to contact you?

InfiniteCurve · 28/04/2019 17:02
Grin No,no name change fail,I'm only me!! And yes,I was quoting OP.

I was going somewhere along the lines of it sounds as if the dropper in might need to come to OPs home because she wants to be friends.And because in my experience it's different hanging out with your friends at home to out,and if someone didn't want me in their home I'd definitely assume they didn't really want friendship.
Which seems kind of sad,but dropper in might not want that,OP sounds as if she doesn't look on her as any kind of friend,just a "random"
Still doesn't make much sense which is why I didn't repost when I realised I'd hit the button too soon Grin

Hahaha88 · 28/04/2019 17:15

22 pages and I still don't know if the guests asked to use the loo what would have happened????? Pretty sure the answer here will tell you whether you need help or not @FissionChips which I'm assuming is why you haven't answered it.

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2019 17:18

But I think thr op does wish to be friends. She went to a shit lot of effort, moving the chairs outside, getting blankets, getting the kids toys. Sitting out there with her, getting drinks etc.

You don't do that for some random you don't wish near you.

TheNoodlesIncident · 28/04/2019 17:19

I do think the other mum was being pushy and rude to ignore OP's warnings that she doesn't "do" visitors... from what OP's related, I can't imagine for a moment that she didn't make her feelings clear with no vague fluffy remarks open to interpretation. So other mum has just decided to do what she wants to do and rocked up unannounced and uninvited. In those circumstances I wouldn't blame OP at all for saying "Sorry, not convenient" and sent her politely on her way. But two wrongs don't make a right; just because other mum was breaking social conventions by not texting or ringing first to check it was okay, doesn't mean it was okay for OP to park her on the drive. This is such an odd thing to do - my 10 yo autistic son read what OP had done he looked Confused and said "that's not normal".

OP's comment of where people belong/don't belong demonstrates such rigid, inflexible thinking that I can't believe for a moment she's neurotypical. The extreme nature of this intense behaviour is quite bizarre. Admittedly I'm capable of forgetting to invite people inside Blush, but I can't imagine dragging kitchen chairs outside onto the drive and leaving someone sitting there while drinks and blankets are fetched because it's cold. It's just... just... Confused What's the worst that could happen if a person who wasn't a family member came inside..?

SirGawain · 28/04/2019 17:22

Ok, so if any of you turned up at an acquaintances house, despite it being made clear that uninvited guests are not welcome, you would expect to be invited inside?
No I would not, nor would I expect to be entertained in the driveway during inclement weather. As others have said it would be more polite to say it was not conveinent.

strawberrisc · 28/04/2019 17:29

Okay, sitting outside was a bit off rather than just putting her off.

The rest is fine. Who is anyone to dictate what people do in their own homes? Your house should always be your 'safe space'.

I can't abide people "popping in" I can't even abide the phrase. I have a large circle of friends and they all know this. They have also all been very welcome in my home, with notice.

There is no normal/not normal when it comes to this. Some of my friends can't stand their own company and love nothing more than a steady stream of visitors through their open door. I do not. I work hard for my safe space and what I do in it is my own business. It hasn't lost me a single friend.

Roussette · 28/04/2019 17:33

I can't abide people "popping in" I can't even abide the phrase. I have a large circle of friends and they all know this. They have also all been very welcome in my home, with notice

Well, there's the difference then. Your last sentence. Of course you won't lose friends, what you're doing is fine

DontVisitMe · 28/04/2019 17:33

If my DH brought people home without notice, I'd be fuming. I'm often a mess if I have a day at home - pjs, hair up, messy from cleaning etc. House is often a mess with pets and kids. He'd know not to do it though as he feels the same!

If someone rings me and it's unplanned, unless it's immediate family I don't answer. My good friends know not to call me

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2019 17:36

The op says her husband thinks she was unreasonable to do this. He said the friend felt a bit down, I suspect the friend felt sad because the op felt the need to do this.

As said she went to a lot of effort, chairs, blankets, drinks, toys for the kids.

As much as the op said she didn't like visitors, and rarely invites them in, the friend possibly thought they were close enough that this didn't extend to her, or if the op wasn't up for a visit she'd have said so. I doubt she envisaged this scenario.

I'd be curious to know what the husband said to the friend. I doubt he will ever tell the op.

TapasForTwo · 28/04/2019 17:36

How do people contact you then Dontvisitme? Do they have to write a letter to make an appointment to text/ring? How do you maintain a friendship if it is so difficult for your friends to contact you?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 28/04/2019 17:38

DontVisitMe You sound extremely hard work and I'm surprised you have any friends at all if they can't give you a call.

Cliffdonville · 28/04/2019 17:40

I don't ever invite people to our house and I would hate this but if someone ever did turn up, I'd invite them in.
I know I'm going to have to host play dates soon so I'm working on being less weird about it. I think you might need to as well!!

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2019 17:48

The thing is good friends don't judge you. I have good friends, who drop in unexpectedly, one regularly , who if he's out on his bike will drop in for a coffee at rhe weekend. We sit and have a coffee with him. Last weekend I was power washing when I heard the bike. The fact I was covered in shit, with my hair up and plastered to my head, was irrelevant, I was happy to stop for a coffee and chat. He or anyone else would be no sort of friend if they had issues with the fact I was a mess.

Not being able to phone though is odd. I don't understand how you can plan a call. Do they have to text or email you first?