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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to make them sit outside?

808 replies

FissionChips · 28/04/2019 00:11

DH thinks I was.

A couple of weeks ago a parent from the school run turned up unannounced at my door saying she thought our children might like to play and that she fancied a catch-up.
I made them stay outside on the driveway (back garden unusable atm) and brought toys for the children to play with and chairs for us to it on, outside.

DH brought it up tonight, he saw her whilst shopping and she mentioned she felt a bit down after being here.

My argument is that I have told her before that I don’t appreciate visitors and will rarely invite them inside. I provided a drink for her and brought out blankets when the temperature cooled.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Sockworkshop · 28/04/2019 12:26

The other woman humiliated herself by not listening to the OP in the first place !

All this the DC will be socially inept is ridiculous.
One of my friends DH worked nights so she couldnt have friends round and so we met at swimming,park etc.
Nothing wrong with that at all -my DH WFH
People have all sorts of reasons and the OP shouldnt have to keep explaining.

MumUnderTheMoon · 28/04/2019 12:30

What if your unexpected "guest" or their child had needed the loo? Would you have let them in?

You have the right to your privacy, I like mine too, but the level you take this to does sound unhealthy.
Perhaps your visitor thought that because you are friends you wouldnt mind her dropping by. And honestly the kinder thing would have been to tell her it didn't suit to have visitors, that you were too busy. It sounds like you did make a bit of a spectacle of the whole thing and if I were your dh I'd have been embarrassed too.

amandacarnet · 28/04/2019 12:31

If you behave in a socially odd way, it will have an impact.
And it is perfectly normal to have friends and family in your house. It is not normal to not allow anyone in your house.

IvanaPee · 28/04/2019 12:31

Where did OP say her husband wasn’t allowed to have people around?

She has also repeatedly said her dc have play days.

Are people just choosing to ignore this now?

saoirse31 · 28/04/2019 12:34

You are very rude OP, and I'm sorry for your child and your dp, to be honest. Having friends visit is normal, and yet you refuse to allow them to have friends visit Not a nice way to grow up.

As to whether the woman was wrong to speak to your dh, - she may have been worried about you, or your child, given your behaviour.

Singlenotsingle · 28/04/2019 12:37

No, she said DH simply doesn't invite his friends over, the implication being that his dw wouldn't like it, wouldn't make them welcome. And she said she takes the dc friends out on playdates. She doesn't invite them in.

TSSDNCOP · 28/04/2019 12:41

This is where you'd say "sorry, house and garden are a tip, lets go to the park".

But your way will deffo repel boarders in future.

Ginger1982 · 28/04/2019 12:43

Do you ever allow anyone inside? Sounds like you have a real issue.

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2019 12:44

Op, do you and your DH have family? Are they allowed to visit? Do you visit them?

PCohle · 28/04/2019 12:45

"I don’t go to other peoples homes, my child goes on play dates and in turn I take the children out somewhere. DH simply doesn’t invite his friends over."

It does sound like the OP's views on having other people in the house are having a significant impact on her DC and DH, both of whom, it would appear, would quite like to have people round.

Do you think that's fair OP?

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 28/04/2019 12:46

Sock that's just not the same at all. Your friend, for practical reasons, can't have people over so socialises in other ways. The Op is so entrenched in her view that other people simply shouldn't enter her home that she behaves in the extremely odd way outlined here, just to ensure they don't cross her door!

That's a mindset, an approach to life and other people that doesn't begin and end with who comes into your house! The Op can obviously do what she likes, there's no law preventing her from behaving this way, but her attitude is quite odd. It's not healthy and absolutely will impact on her children.

I suffer from anxiety myself so I'm not without sympathy for people who struggle but I don't believe it's helpful to pretend that this type of behaviour is just a "different strokes" type thing. It's not, it's indicative of a bigger issue that's actually very limiting for the Op and her family.

mcmooberry · 28/04/2019 12:46

I think now that you know she felt down about it I would contact her to say that you heard from your DH that she felt like that and you never wanted her to feel bad but you thought you had made it clear that you don't have visitors, not just her, but none. In a friendlier tone than that but just to acknowledge that it was nothing to do with her but your feelings about having people in your house.

Illy603 · 28/04/2019 12:47

Nope, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
She showed up unannounced and uninvited... who honestly appreciates that kind of thing?! She doesn’t particularly sound like a best friend so why wouldn’t she contact you beforehand to see if you were free?!
You’ve stated the back garden was out of bounds which is fair enough.
It’s your house and if you don’t want “ransoms” in that’s completely understandable. I have acquaintances that I wouldn’t necessarily want wandering about my house. You made the effort to be hospitable with drinks and blankets and you chatted to her. Personally I’d have just explained it wasn’t a good time and asked to rearrange- I hate unexpected visitors!
I think it’s strange she’s mentioned this to your husband as a poster above said- what’s her game?!

agirlhasnonameX · 28/04/2019 12:47

no OP did not compromise, she inadvertently humiliated the other woman.
Humiliated her by sitting outside? Why is that humiliating? And if she was embarrassed it was her own fault really. OP had made it clear to the woman she did not like unannounced visits, the woman showed up unannounced, how is it not a compromise to let the DC play anyway but in a way OP was comfortable with?

Roussette · 28/04/2019 12:48

She doesn't have play days in her house. They go somewhere.

Nowhere has the OP said that her DH isn't allowed to have friends round. She only said that 'he doesn't have friends round'. I did ask if that is his choice or not.

The OP will get away with it now. But not when the kids are older. Although you, OP, have said about moving and them having a sort of teen room they have to stay in... having had 3 teens here (now adults) I can promise you it doesn't work like that!

Down to the kitchen for a drink of squash
Coming down to borrow or use something
Eating... they surely won't be banished to this room to eat? (I loved hearing the teen banter with my lot and their friends over pizza)
Teen wanting friends to sleep over
blah blah... the list is endless

BlueJava · 28/04/2019 12:48

YABU why not be a bit hospitable and invite her in. It's kind of weird to just give her a chair and talk to her on the drive! From what you say you have DC so surely they can bring friends home, have sleepovers etc - it's a normal part of childhood and really helps them socialise.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 28/04/2019 12:54

Of course OPs husband doesn't invite anyone over. Who would in this situation?

Roussette · 28/04/2019 13:02

What about friends?

Do you have any special friends... someone you've known a long time and who means a lot to you. What about family, siblings, parents etc. Are any of these people allowed in your house?

DarlingNikita · 28/04/2019 13:03

Other people don’t belong in my home, they should be in their own home or elsewhere

This is plain fucking freakish.

PinguForPresident · 28/04/2019 13:05

[b] Other people don’t belong in my home, they should be in their own home or elsewhere[/b]

OP, I can't emphasise enough how odd this is. It's going to be limiting for your kids when they're older. Were you parents like this? I'm guessing they were as you have no idea that your attitude is not normal and your behaviour rude. Please, please don't inflict this upbringing on your kids. It's not fair on them. Having friends over to play is such a joy for kids, yet yours aren't even getting the chance. What about when they ask for sleepovers? Or grow out of the party-at-a-venue and want a couple of besties over for pizza and whatever tweens get up to (that's around age 10/11, BTW).

BingandFlop2019 · 28/04/2019 13:08

@Roussette kid you not when I say she made her sit in the garden whilst her and her DD were indoors, till I got there. And it started to rain.

OMG! Your poor little girl... Please tell me you confronted her????

Nameusernameuser · 28/04/2019 13:09

I hate to be that person that does an advance search, but there's a few things you've mentioned on other threads which could likely be a cause for you feeling like this.
Your diagnosis may contribute, and the fact your husband was/is obsessed with chatting to people online.
You're segregating and isolating the rest of your family, you have to realise this isn't "normal" behaviour. It really isn't. Turning the mother away, or letting her in were the normal options. What you did was a bit batshit!

DonkeyHohtay · 28/04/2019 13:09

The whole attitude of "I do not go to other people's houses and they do not come into mine" is very, very weird.

Dropping in unannounced is one thing and although it wouldn't bother me I can see why some might not like it. But never to allow your children to have friends home to play and a blanket rule of no visitors, EVER, is plain weird.

I have three kids, two firmly into their teenage years. DD had a friend here for the afternoon every other day of the Easter holidays, watching Netflix, sitting in a paddling pool in the garden, making cookies or doing whatever else. Older DS is part of a dungeons and dragons group which rotates around people's houses. So every few weeks we have about six teenage geeks boys in the dining room rolling dice, chortling loudly about slaying orcs and drinking Pepsi Max.

It's all good. I'd rather they were splashing in paddling pools or killing orcs than hanging round parks.

And if my DH came home to find me and another mother sitting on the drive in camping chairs while the children played in the cold he'd quite rightly think I'd lost my marbles completely.

Oldbutstillgotit · 28/04/2019 13:11

OP do you ever allow visitors ? Family ?

Sockworkshop · 28/04/2019 13:19

ImNot
You have missed my point .
Fully aware its the OPs choice .
My point was its unfair to say her DC will be socially inept when she medts other DC in plenty of other social situations
Why are we so unaccepting that people have different needs to us .
She may have MH issues and not want people in her house so why do we have to keep bashing and saying she is wierd Hmm
Seriously Im an introvert and need time and space to ensure I keep mentally healthy .

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