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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to make them sit outside?

808 replies

FissionChips · 28/04/2019 00:11

DH thinks I was.

A couple of weeks ago a parent from the school run turned up unannounced at my door saying she thought our children might like to play and that she fancied a catch-up.
I made them stay outside on the driveway (back garden unusable atm) and brought toys for the children to play with and chairs for us to it on, outside.

DH brought it up tonight, he saw her whilst shopping and she mentioned she felt a bit down after being here.

My argument is that I have told her before that I don’t appreciate visitors and will rarely invite them inside. I provided a drink for her and brought out blankets when the temperature cooled.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 28/04/2019 11:55

OP, at the very least I hope that this thread has shown you that your approach is unusual. Which could well affect your DC. Will your DC be allowed to have friends come to the home when they're older?

There was someone in my class at school who had a home life that sounds similar to yours. Friends were never allowed in. Which was fine while younger because we could meet up at the park, softplay etc. As we grew to primary age it still worked in the summer because we went to the park or played in the street. The friend never socialised in winter. As we grew into teens and just wanted to 'hang out', the friend dropped out of the social group because she was unable to welcome people back to her home. We all knew why, but there was speculation across the school that the family were hoarders or had bodies in the back garden or other such cruel gossip.

The most awful episode I recall was that the friend was desperate to rekindle friendships that had dropped off, so told us that her parents said she could have some friends over for a birthday party. We all turned up on the day only to be met by parents who knew nothing of this and turned us away. The friend had evidently thought that by us all turning up her parents would feel shamed into letting us in.

The friend had very poor social skills as a direct and indirect result of her upbringing. We lost touch but I hope she got away from her parents as soon as she was able.

Justonemorepancake · 28/04/2019 11:56

Agree about teens. I lived in a rural location growing up so rarely got to see my friends outside school. I dearly wanted to hang out at home with friends. I actually moved out at just gone 17 as I was so fed up with not being able to socialise with my friends enough, casually - as in walk round their houses and hang out and have them back to mine, or it being a pain to arrange because we were rural. Consequently I chose to have and school DS in a suburban area with the school being local, and playdates being the norm. (Ie once or twice a week) I hope he doesn't bugger off at 16/17!

BlueStockingUK · 28/04/2019 11:56

I'm not a bit on OP's side. I am TOTALLY 100% !
Is there a moon change I've missed?
I had 2 of these types of friends over the years lunatics who would say I'll pop round. many, many times reasoned/said/explained/joked " NO IMPROMPTU VISITORS FOR ME" I'll ring/text/arrange when I'm free etc etc.. It's because I'm really not keen on them, but don't want to be rude. Rarely and bizarrely some people can't take hints, but If they just turned up after me stating please don't - It would drive me Batshit Crazy. You've made your feelings clear about unannounced visits, if she chooses to ignore them then yes..
leaving them outside, making small talk, bringing out a couple of chairs out...children would and do play happily outside being watched.
if she needed the loo, I'd say " right come on in now Sandra, they're going now and say " BYE THEN" Grin

ZeroFuchsGiven · 28/04/2019 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MagicMojito · 28/04/2019 11:59

Well OP I'm totally on your side. She was rude. You have made it clear it would make you uncomfortable to have people "drop by" Hmm and she did it anyway. She's absolutely the CF not you. Although I would have just either made an excuse or just hid not opened up the door to her. But no I think you actually behaved rather kind in making provisions for her her and her child to be comfortable considering she didn't care to show you the same courtesy.

Singlenotsingle · 28/04/2019 12:02

I can see that impromptu visitors are less than welcome, but fissionchips doesn't like any visitors at all. She doesn't invite any, DH isn't allowed to invite his friends and what about the dc???

ShirleyPhallus · 28/04/2019 12:02

a quick AS shows that the dp is indeed finding friendships elsewhere.

That is REALLY out of line Shock

Original poster
FissionChips · 28/04/2019 12:08

a quick AS shows that the dp is indeed finding friendships elsewhere

Yes yes, we had an issue, many couples do. We have worked through itSmile

OP posts:
Dippypippy1980 · 28/04/2019 12:09

I do think there are times when unannounced visitors are hell.

My sister had a rough pregnancy and birth. She asked for no unannounced visitors for the first couple of weeks out of hospital. Her brother in laws and his girlfriend turned up two hours after she go to home.

She stayed upstairs during their entire visit. I still have to reassure her they were rude, not her.

Original poster
FissionChips · 28/04/2019 12:10

I have thought about the teenage issue before. We plan to move to a larger house with space for a teen room/den where they can mostly entertain themselves and have no need to walk through other areas of the home.

OP posts:
Jebuschristchocolatebar · 28/04/2019 12:11

Am i one of the few people on mumsnet who doesn’t mind a visitor or having people over? I don’t care if someone calls over unannounced but I think I’m in the minority. But I do have a lovely bench in my front garden 😆

Original poster
FissionChips · 28/04/2019 12:12

Thank you MagicMojito, that’s exactly my point of view.

OP posts:
jameswong · 28/04/2019 12:13

Sad thread. When your lad is 18 he won't let the door hit him on the way out, and he won't be back much. Your husband won't be long after him.

Goldmandra · 28/04/2019 12:13

Other people don’t belong in my home, they should be in their own home or elsewhere. I’m sure many others feel the same, it’s nothing requiring professional assistance.

I think it's unlikely that there are many other people who literally don't allow anyone else in their home ever.

You're quite cagey about the reasons behind this, possibly because you realise that it isn't very normal and maybe based on something like OCD/fear of germs which you could get help for.

Your inability to allow anyone into your house is quite extreme if it leads to you making an unexpected visitor sitting on your drive. It could cause issues for your DD when she's older.

Is your life restricted in other ways?

I understand why you wouldn't want to share the reasons behind your aversion to others entering your house on here but maybe you could have a think about asking your GP if there's any help you could access.

RozyRoz · 28/04/2019 12:14

@ZeroFuchsGiven - out of order.

nancy75 · 28/04/2019 12:14

Other people don’t belong in my home, they should be in their own home or elsewhere
Sorry op but this is a lot more strange than you seem to realise.
I still don’t understand why you don’t want people in your house?

RedBerryTea · 28/04/2019 12:14

YANBU. If she thought your children might like to play and that she fancied a catch-up, then why didn't she invite you around to hers? I am not happy to host unexpected visitors either, particularly people I don't really have any interest in other than saying hi on the school run. Having said that I would have just said it wasn't convenient rather than pfaff about on the drive.

LazyFace · 28/04/2019 12:15

I agree with other that it's weird and rude and OP is quite a recluse.
But I think the other woman is also rather pushing the subject and wants to have a good nose around perhaps.

I had this from someone who when picking kids up from playdates stopped me in her hallway, which I was completely fine with until she came over to mine and walked right in all the way and made comments about looking around next time.Next time I was prepared and bodyblocked her straight.
There are people out there who are far too nosy.

Starlight456 · 28/04/2019 12:15

Ok so the majority think yabu . You don’t.

I think you need to look at why it is such an issue to have people in your home .

Do family visit ? Your close friends?

Did anyone visit when you had the children?

agirlhasnonameX · 28/04/2019 12:16

I don't really get the problem tbh, if I showed up unannounced at someone's house and expected my kids to be entertained by theirs, I really wouldn't feel anything about sitting outside, presuming I had come to see the people and not their house. Definitely can't imagine feeling down about it and if the friend didn't want to sit outside she could have left, OP didn't make her do anything.

OP could have just told them no, but compromised to keep the kids happy, if she doesn't want people in her house that's completely up to her and fair enough. I'm happy to have kids round but really can't be arsed sitting making small talk with other parents just because we both happen to have DC....

Goldmandra · 28/04/2019 12:18

It could cause issues for your DD when she's older.

Sorry. This should read DC. You haven't said whether your child is a boy or a girl.

Goldmandra · 28/04/2019 12:20

I'm happy to have kids round but really can't be arsed sitting making small talk with other parents just because we both happen to have DC

The OP is happy to make small talk on the drive or at play barns and she doesn't seem to want anybody in her home, by arrangement or not.

That's not the same as feeling a bit miffed that someone has turned up in without checking first.

amandacarnet · 28/04/2019 12:20

Agirlhasnonalex no OP did not compromise, she inadvertently humiliated the other woman.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 28/04/2019 12:22

I apologise op if I was out of order, that wasn't my intention.

Rasco · 28/04/2019 12:25

I think both of you behaved in a socially unacceptable way

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