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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to make them sit outside?

808 replies

FissionChips · 28/04/2019 00:11

DH thinks I was.

A couple of weeks ago a parent from the school run turned up unannounced at my door saying she thought our children might like to play and that she fancied a catch-up.
I made them stay outside on the driveway (back garden unusable atm) and brought toys for the children to play with and chairs for us to it on, outside.

DH brought it up tonight, he saw her whilst shopping and she mentioned she felt a bit down after being here.

My argument is that I have told her before that I don’t appreciate visitors and will rarely invite them inside. I provided a drink for her and brought out blankets when the temperature cooled.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Thetreeonthehill · 28/04/2019 11:15

You need these for any future play dates or other entertaining.

WIBU to make them sit outside?
WIBU to make them sit outside?
Moorfields · 28/04/2019 11:17

@fissonchips my point was if you were invited to somebody's house, would you go? Even though you don't like people at your house, it's not about inviting yourself to somebody's house. It's about whether you would accept an invitation to somebody's home knowing full well you won't or don't like to reciprocate. That is cheeky fuckery in my opinion.

HoppingPavlova · 28/04/2019 11:18

At first I thought it was odd on both sides but as I read the further comments from OP it has taken a whole new turn.

Yes, I think it is very odd that someone just turns up and expects you to accomodate them. However, if it’s not convenient then a normal person tells them that. Not difficult, ‘sorry not convenient for me today, can we make a plan for another day, great, see you then’. That’s normal behaviour, pulling some passive aggressive driveway sitting debacle complete with blankets is bonkers.

The real problem though is that it transpires the issue isn’t that it wasn’t convenient at the time but it will never be convenient as OP will not have anyone in her house. Obviously the DH is pretty stunned and embarrassed by this so it would seem he’s not part of the crazy train. To never want anyone to set foot in your house indicates a genuine problem that requires professional assistance.

It’s not going to be long that other parents suss out there is something amiss in this regard and this will lead to instances of social exclusion of OP’s child as they will never be invited to anyone’s house as no one will want to deal with ‘the weird mum’. It’s unfortunate but the way life works. Kids can’t meet exclusively at clubs and soft play forever! They get older, so no teenage friends coming over. Dates? Nope. The best you could hope for us that the kids know this is abnormal behaviour and are extremely embarrassed. The worst is that the kids do consider it normal and also grow up with the same social issues.

C0untDucku1a · 28/04/2019 11:19

I got as far as perhaps she is lacking social skills before pmsl.

amandacarnet · 28/04/2019 11:25

This sounds like a branch of my family. They do not let anyone into the house. We all know the house is fine though, no hoarding issues, because she does sometimes want the GPS to babysit. Usually this happens at their house, but if it has been very late and they need to go to bed,then they have allowed GPS in to babysit.
Unfortunately they have a reputation with local kids as the weird family and it does impact the kids.

IvanaPee · 28/04/2019 11:25

@HelplessFeeling but even if dh approached the woman, saying she was down was an odd way to feel about it. I think so, anyway.

And if she was being polite by texting OP to pretend she’d had a nice time then it’s even weirder that she would tell DH that she was down about it!

amandacarnet · 28/04/2019 11:28

It depends what the DH said. He was mortified about what happened so may have initiated a long conversation with her about it. Or may even just be saying it to op to try and get her to understand that her behaviour is not okay.

MsTSwift · 28/04/2019 11:28

My lovely school friends mum was abit like this. My friend now lives overseas with her dh and kids.

Recently met the mum who admitted she “would have done things differently” when we were teenagers. We all thought she was mental at the time and our parents got abit resentful as this family never shared the load of hosting teens or giving us lifts (we rural)

PreseaCombatir · 28/04/2019 11:31

I’m with you OP in that I cannot stand uninvited guests just knocking on the door. I don’t mind people in my house though, but I appreciate a text even something like ‘are you in, might pop round, be there in 10’ is perfectly fine.

I think I’d be too embarrassed to do what you did though

Roussette · 28/04/2019 11:32

Even though you don't like people at your house, it's not about inviting yourself to somebody's house. It's about whether you would accept an invitation to somebody's home knowing full well you won't or don't like to reciprocate. That is cheeky fuckery in my opinion

Totally agree and I said that upthread.

If, OP, you have decided never shall anyone set foot over your doormat, just be prepared to turn down playdates for your child. You can't have it both ways.

NoSauce · 28/04/2019 11:35

It’s perfectly fine to not accept unexpected visitors into your home. I doubt there’s many that truly love someone just turning up but you just say sorry it’s not convenient or let them in. I could understand if it was a lovely sunny day and you were already sat in the garden, inviting them to join you but to not let her in and then bring chairs out on the drive is so strange. The whole thing is strange.

Original poster
FissionChips · 28/04/2019 11:36

It's about whether you would accept an invitation to somebody's home knowing full well you won't or don't like to reciprocate. That is cheeky fuckery in my opinion

I don’t go to other peoples homes, my child goes on play dates and in turn I take the children out somewhere.

DH simply doesn’t invite his friends over.

To never want anyone to set foot in your house indicates a genuine problem that requires professional assistance

Hmm Other people don’t belong in my home, they should be in their own home or elsewhere. I’m sure many others feel the same, it’s nothing requiring professional assistance.

OP posts:
Roussette · 28/04/2019 11:41

Does your DH have any choice in the matter?

It's not the same taking the kids somewhere as letting them play in your home. I imagine your child's playdates will fizzle out TBH

Of course other people don't belong in your home, they don't live there. However, social norms are that sometimes you have to have someone in your house. Fine, do it your way but it will come back and bite you on the bottom.

The woman I spoke about who made my DD sit outside in the rain... she is not popular where we live. She will go to everyone's house at the drop of a hot, but will not allow anyone in her house.

Do you ever go to anyone's house?

BertrandRussell · 28/04/2019 11:42

“DH simply doesn’t invite his friends over.”

I would be very surprised, judging by his reaction to Drivegate, that he is happy with that.

Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2019 11:43

Other people don’t belong in my home, they should be in their own home or elsewhere

That is quite an unusual attitude. I have teenagers and that would not work here at all. Constant stream of unannounced visitors some days. If I am out I don't even know who has been round anyway.

Roussette · 28/04/2019 11:43

I imagine the DH is not allowed any friends over.

What a sad existence.

Roussette · 28/04/2019 11:44

What the heck are you going to do when your DCs are teens? It's like a revolving door then, them and their friends in and out of houses.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 28/04/2019 11:45

I agree with Sparkling about the teenagers.

If You don't allow your child to have their friends to visit while they are growing up, you will never see them in their teenage years, they will be hanging out at the homes of friends whose parents are a lot more accommodating.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 28/04/2019 11:45

OP if you genuinely don't think you're being unreasonable why did you even post? I don't think anyone particularly enjoys unexpected guests but your behaviour is a best a bit strange and at worst very rude.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 28/04/2019 11:48

And what a shame Your DH isn't allowed to have friends over.

I don't know I just can't get my head round it, DPs friends often pop round and if he's not here and I am I still invite them in give them a drink and have a chat. Same if one of my friends turned up and dp was here alone, neither of us would pull out chairs and blankets and sit on the drive.

Acis · 28/04/2019 11:49

I have met up with her at other places so the children can play, why does she need to come to my home?

It's not a question of "needing" to, visiting people is just normal social interaction.

But your question is irrelevant. You keep trying to deflect from your behaviour by criticising hers, but the truth is yours was far worse.

outsho · 28/04/2019 11:52

Fine to not want unexpected visitors, not fine to make them sit in the driveway for however long Confused. You should have just made up a bullshit excuse such as ‘oh I’m so sorry, we’re really busy today but if you drop me a text we can arrange it for another time’. I mean, that’s what I’d do... really weird to make anyone sit on your drive.

Booboostwo · 28/04/2019 11:53

How can you not see that your behaviour is socially alienating and potentially damaging to your DCs? No, it is not true that many people do not want any visitors inside their homes, can you not see the reactions in this thread?

RozyRoz · 28/04/2019 11:53

OP I think you are getting a hard time here.

I can see that you were trying to be accommodating whilst respecting your own boundaries. I'm not suggesting you should have let them in, you have your own reasons not to and you are perfectly within your rights to have them.

Maybe in future though you could do as others have suggested and say "Not right now" or if you know your son heard, maybe say "we're just in the middle of something but can see you in the park in half an hour".

There is nothing wrong with not wanting people in your house. I completely get that but if your husband isn't on board with that, maybe you need to look at the reasons why. Personally I hate visitors and it's for a few reasons:

  • I'm embarrassed by my house. It's mostly a mess and in desperate need of renovation.
  • It's my safe space. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not eg confident.
  • It's the one place which I have some control over.

As I say I think people are being unnesscarily mean to you.

IvanaPee · 28/04/2019 11:54

I agree. All this “your poor dh isn’t allowed to have people over. How sad” stuff is ridiculous.

Maybe he has no friends! Maybe he meets them elsewhere.

People are starting to extrapolate which is always ridiculous.