WIBU to make them sit outside?

[FissionChips]

DH thinks I was.

A couple of weeks ago a parent from the school run turned up unannounced at my door saying she thought our children might like to play and that she fancied a catch-up.
I made them stay outside on the driveway (back garden unusable atm) and brought toys for the children to play with and chairs for us to it on, outside.

DH brought it up tonight, he saw her whilst shopping and she mentioned she felt a bit down after being here.

My argument is that I have told her before that I don’t appreciate visitors and will rarely invite them inside. I provided a drink for her and brought out blankets when the temperature cooled.

WIBU?

OP, your visitor isn't a random she's your DD's playmate's mother and she knows you well enough to speak to your DH. Yes she was rude but good manners do apply to everyone including to people who have been rude themselves. There are polite ways to deal with rude people. Messaging you to say thank you was just the polite thing to do, it doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I don't think I like the other Mum much though. Complaining about you to your husband was a bit weird too. By being rude yourself you have given her a way in.

Wow this is hilarious, I'm going to try this on my parents next time they visit 😂

One of the many things I like about having family and friends with various diagnoses, conditions and interests is how accepting they are of each other without needing to know why, or getting annoyed because someone is doing something that seems odd to others.
Questions are asked, but they are not attacks or attempts at ‘Othering’
Now the visiting friend knows how things are, perhaps she’ll be adaptable enough to listen and maintain a friendship. Perhaps she’ll hoick her bosom and tut.
How does your husband cope with the expectations you have? In my situation, someone’s needs outweigh another’s wants, and socialising would happen outwith the home.

Poor woman she was probably trying to start up a friendship with you,tho fuck knows why as you seem weird and rude

If I do host though then I throw all the food and drinks that I can at them. If I have to do it I want to do it well.

It really is another world on MN. Roussette What a horrible woman.

Yes OP can you describe exactly what you mean by not liking randoms in your house, what specifically is it that you don't like? Then perhaps people can make helpful comments -if you want them to that is?

There has to be a balance though surely, TreadingThePrimrosePath. If I 'gave in' to my autism, anxiety, OCD all of the time then I'd never leave the house, see anyone or do anything. I'd hate to impose that upon my family members. Their needs and wishes matter too so I might say that I can't cope with frequent visitors but occasionally is ok and I can cope with that.

What do you think she'll do in your house? Shit on your rug? Surely she'd just have a coffee and sit there and chat, the same as she did on your driveway you nutter.

Itssosunny yes she is. I did mean to add to my post, she has no issues, I've known her for 22 years, the kids are adults now and unfortunately she is part of a social circle me and DH are in. Her and her DH go to everyone else's house (ours endlessly for parties, drinks etc.) If I could not ask her, I would, but I have to invite her and her DH. She never ever has anyone back. TBH she is a free loader.

OP if this is your way of doing things... fine. But don't ever let your child go on playdates to someone's house and be the one who never ever asks back. Sometimes in life you have to do things you don't particularly want to... for the sake of kindness, other people's feelings, for the sake of your child.

You didn't want her to feel welcome well you achieved that. God how rude don't think you need panic doubt her or her daughter will ever visit again .Why didn't you just say you were busy .

Thats a great post Treading
We all have different lives and compared to my parents generation we are all out of our homes much more.
Crikey in my DF day,no one had cars so everything happened at home.( hes 80)
Im out at work (nice bunch,lunch,chat etc) then I meet friends at the gym after.
When I get home I just want my pjs on and to relax.
Saying someone is wierd because they prefer socialising outside their home isnt fair.

Op I appreciate that you don't want people in your house uninvited but could you please articulate the reason, it would help us all understand why.

I can only presume the OP was trying to make a point.

This is what I do to people who turn up unexpectedly. You sit on the drive with a rug even if it rains.

What were the children doing at this point? Playing with the garage doors? Counting the dandelions on the front lawn?

I can understand your logic actually. I've got a friend who lives with her mum. They're both quite shy, have various serious medical complaints and guests, both invited and uninvited, just trample their boundaries all the time. If you don't want people inside, once you've let them in the door it's way harder to get rid of them politely and you've created a precedent as well.

What you did was odd, sure, but the other woman must have the hide of a rhino and by complaining to your husband, also put herself into the wrong.

Some posters on this thread have also made me laugh by telling the OP off for being rude -- while being very rude themselves.

OP you also transgressed a couple of taboos. A. Females are supposed to welcome/host at detriment to themselves in a way that males rarely are and B. Some people seem to think sitting out the front is common.

I say this as someone social who doesn't mind people popping round if it's a good time. If I had already told them it's not convenient for whatever reason, I expect them to respect that.

Are you Eleanor Oliphant?

She doesn’t need a reason other than she doesn’t like it!

It really is that simple.

Round here, people’s front gardens and drives are huge! Sitting in them on a nice day is no hardship.

So, I’m wondering if it was a nice day to begin with and if the drive is somewhere you would usually sit? I think that makes a difference.

It’s so rude and cheeky to turn up at someone’s house and expect to be entertained!

I’ll be honest, it wouldn’t dawn on me to keep someone on the driveway but I think I have a grudging respect for OP😂

The other woman is a nutter. Telling DH she felt “down” about it is just weird.

An friend of mines mum was like you - refused to have people in this house and struggled socially,

We discovered he had never had a birthday party because his mum didn’t want people in the house judging them.

He really struggled socially as an adult - couldn’t cope with visitors and didn’t know how to cope with normal social interactions. It was really sad because underneath all this social awkwardness he was a lovely bloke.

By normal standards your behaviour was odd - and rude. You are not teaching your children how to interact with others and how to be a gracious host. I think you may has some social issues, and can I gently suggest you see a counsellor to talk them through,

I think once you have children, you have a responsibility to model good manner and social skills.

Is your name Eleanor Oliphant?

Anyone who doesn't like randoms calling round unexpectedly is going to find their DC's teenage years very hard going.

Personally I would have said 'not a good time right now' but arranged a meet up in the park or something.

I don't think people think YWBU to not want visitors - but the way you responded is both strange and unreasonable. There are polite compromises - "let me grab my coat and we can all walk down to the park," "it's not a good time, why don't we get together and go for coffee after school tomorrow," "I wasn't expecting guests and we're in the middle of some DIY, shall we walk down to your, less dangerous, house for them to play."

Someone doing something you perceive as rude (calling round) doesn't make it okay for you to go all out unkind and passive aggressive.

We discovered he had never had a birthday party because his mum didn’t want people in the house judging them.

I’ve never had a birthday party at my house for any of my kids-that isn’t necessarily a problem. We just had them at soft play/bowling etc

I don't like people in my house either, but I would have expected her to feel like I was being rude if I'd done that. I would have invited her in and cleaned afterwards rather than have other people be upset by me.

The other woman is a nutter. Telling DH she felt “down” about it is just weird.

But we don't know the circumstances that led to the conversation. The OP said her husband came home while they were sitting on the drive and he was embarrassed. Maybe he approached the woman when he saw her and started the conversation by apologising and the rest of the comments came on from there. The op says as her opener that her DH thought she was BU.

It is a constant balance, JellyBabied, and requires huge effort.
But others understanding that it’s harder than average helps. One of my adult children is amazing at socialising, but when they run out of steam, they just leave without the social drama and difficulties of goodbye. Just ‘Going for a walk now’ and gone. And the rest of us don’t blink. Likewise, another young adult needs naps to manage a day. Pushing limits and developing strategies is so much easier in a supportive atmosphere.