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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to make them sit outside?

808 replies

FissionChips · 28/04/2019 00:11

DH thinks I was.

A couple of weeks ago a parent from the school run turned up unannounced at my door saying she thought our children might like to play and that she fancied a catch-up.
I made them stay outside on the driveway (back garden unusable atm) and brought toys for the children to play with and chairs for us to it on, outside.

DH brought it up tonight, he saw her whilst shopping and she mentioned she felt a bit down after being here.

My argument is that I have told her before that I don’t appreciate visitors and will rarely invite them inside. I provided a drink for her and brought out blankets when the temperature cooled.

WIBU?

OP posts:
LillithsFamiliar · 28/04/2019 09:07

This has made me laugh so much Grin
Of course you could have politely turned her away at the door 'Oh, we're busy today so sorry we can't do this now. Let's catch up at the soft play/park next week.'
Not only will the other mum think you are rude but your neighbours will be wondering what's going on with you too because it isn't usual to 'entertain' someone on your drive until it starts to rain and then send them home. Unless you regularly non-host people on your drive?

Sockworkshop · 28/04/2019 09:09

She was rude to turn up uninvited when you have specifically asked her not to.
You were PA to sit her on the drive.
Just say no next time.
People who turn up and invite themselves in for coffee and a playdate Confused
Why would you do this?
You wait for an invite .

redzebra10 · 28/04/2019 09:10

was she from the rough council estate up the road and you was worried you might catch benefit tytus

RedElephants · 28/04/2019 09:11

I'm with you op.

I think it was the other woman that was bloody rude just turning up with her child/ren and putting you on the spot..

The woman, if she felt uncomfortable, could have made her excuses and left.

I dislike having people visiting with out ringing/txting etc first, I like to go round with the hoover/polish/wash kitchen floor, and make sure the house is reasonably presentable before I have visitors.

strawberrisc · 28/04/2019 09:14

When people bang on about threads being a reverse as “it couldn’t possibly be true” - it would be true, just with the roles reversed.

Justonemorepancake · 28/04/2019 09:14

@DontVisitMe I'm sorry about your disorder. Do you have young kids though? If you do, do they know about your disorder so they know whey they can't have their friends rounds to play? I think if I have a disorder and it was affecting my kids in such a way, and medication and therapy wasn't helping, I would try and find ways around it (going out and leaving DH to host playdates) or if that's not possible then having a full and frank discussion with my kids. It's not fair on them, otherwise. It's their home too.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/04/2019 09:15

Both of you are behaved oddly.her spontaneous turn up,your mixed messages
Yes you have treated her bizarrely and not been clear you didn’t want unannounced visitor
You sent v mixed message by letting her stay (to point of bringing a blanket) and her kids play
Your inability to directly say “hi,I wasn’t expecting to see you.unfortunately I’m busy but we can set a date/time for next visit”
However,she’s a bitty daft at reading signals.being kept outside on a driveway is a huge OFF You Fuck Signal. Not subtle in the least, but hell, she sat there Ms PassMeABlanket

peridito · 28/04/2019 09:15

I too have a sneaking admiration for the OP's spirit .But tempered by poppets post up thread of her ex[perience as the child of parents who couldn't let anyone into her home .

Is it wrong to be desperately wanting a pic of the driveway ( or a similar one down the street ) and the chairs ?

Or even a diagram....

DontVisitMe · 28/04/2019 09:18

@justonemorepancake I have a 12 year old who has never once asked for friends round, or been to someone else's house. It's not really done here. Playdates are rare and are usually at somewhere like the cinema or bowling. She has weekend hobbies and isn't available much anyway. So no, my mental illness isn't affecting her, thanks.

Groovee · 28/04/2019 09:18

Think you were both unreasonable. Her for turning up and you for not just saying no.

LagunaBubbles · 28/04/2019 09:18

Perhaps she is lacking social skills, it would explain her behaviour

The only person lacking in social skills is you OP. And the fact that you are saying if she was upset why didn't she leave shows you don't understand people at all.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 28/04/2019 09:18

She was rude for trying to force an invite. She was also rude to tell your DH that she felt “down” after her unannounced visit.

Shrugs She’s unlikely to do that again.

Dillydallyalltheway · 28/04/2019 09:19

If she was upset then why didn’t she go home? She messaged after to say she had a nice time so can they have been too down about it.

You obviously have every right not to invite someone into your house, however, it is very odd leaving someone and her child(REN)on your driveway to play. As others have said, you will be talk of the town at school, I’m sure you can handle the gossip, but remember your children might be upset or embarrassed by your actions and are possibly being laughed at, which may be really upsetting them.

TheBulb · 28/04/2019 09:20

I want more detail, OP, because I’m trying to imagine how this play date actually worked from the moment you opened the door and looked at this woman in horror.

Did you trill ‘What a lovely day! Let’s sit on the drive and watch the children at their play, shall we???’ Or did you actually stand thinking about how to minimise the invasion with your body in a ninja crouch blocking the front door in case she tried to get past you?

Do you have folding chairs propped next to the wheelie bins for exactly this kind of emergency, or did you make her stand well away from the doorstep while you went inside and carried out kitchen chairs, and then went upstairs for the blankets? Would you have brought out a kilner jar and a portable screen if she needed a wee?

Did passers by stare at the fact that two unhappy-looking women were sitting on chairs on the drive on a cool day, wrapped in blankets?

Rubberduckies · 28/04/2019 09:20

This is the most bonkers thing I had ever read!! I don't like unexpected visitors either, but the usual responses are either:
A: Decide to let them in but make clear what they should do next time ("lets plan something next time, here's my number to call" or " it was nice to see you, but I usually prefer to meet at a park or cafe, can we do that next time?")
B: Say that sorry it's not a good time, give me a call/text tomorrow and we'll arrange something.

I have never heard of secret option C - bring toys and blankets onto the drive and make them have to go home when it rains.....

Binting · 28/04/2019 09:21

@Fission is it possible that your DH suggested to this woman that she should just pop over with her DC for a coffee / play date? It sounds like they know each other and maybe he is worried about you being anti-social?

I’m very precious about my space and get anxious even when I have planned visitors, although I am very sociable (just not in my home!) I have the weird no outside shoes in the house phobia and feel physically sick if someone walks on my carpet with their shoes on (it doesn’t bother me anywhere else)

I do think you need to explain your feelings about unannounced visitors to this woman, even if you don’t want to apologise outright. She has told your DH that she is feeling down due to your actions, does that not bother you in the slightest?

m0therofdragons · 28/04/2019 09:21

Just say, oooh would be lovely to catch up but I can't do today. How about we meet in the park after school on Tuesday?

You were batshit. She probably stayed out of confusion then afterwards reflected and thought wtf? It's a bit rude to just turn up but some people do that. Tbh, I love being the house where dc friends congregate as I know where they are!

justarandomtricycle · 28/04/2019 09:21

I'm having a really hard time visualising the layout here, and I think it makes a difference as the use of the "drive" might sound more inflammatory than it really was.

Are you able to draw us a diagram or something, OP? Doesn't have to be anything fancy.

LagunaBubbles · 28/04/2019 09:21

Someone saying have you got autism because that's fucking weird. Wtf? Are you saying all people with autism are weird?!,

No but must people are saying this person's behaviour is rude. It did cross my mind about autism to, not because it's weird or odd or rude but because it's an example of a social situation that may be difficult fur soneone with autism to read.

Grainedmonkey · 28/04/2019 09:23

Ah yes Gruzinkerbell, I had forgotten that DH bumped into the visitor afterwards. I would be curious to know more about that conversation.

MegaClutterSlut · 28/04/2019 09:24

Bloody hell I thought I was anti-social. I hate people just turning up at house but I still reluctantly let them in

MashPotatoMashPotato · 28/04/2019 09:24

This actually made me laugh! If you didn’t want her there make an excuse “we’re about to go out” it’s not hard. What you did is the most bizarre thing I’ve heard. I could understand if it was a beautiful day and you only had a front garden but by the sounds of it it wasn’t a very nice day and you live in a normal house with a back garden. Odd.

She was rude to rock up unannounced though, I need to tidy before our house is visitor ready, 2 toddlers and a husband our house is tidy without reason maybe 1% of the time.

Rainbunny · 28/04/2019 09:28

This woman didn't commit an unforgivable sin, she merely decided to see if you wanted to spend time together on the spur of the moment. She wanted to spend time with you which most people consider a nice gesture and you treated her like a pest. I'm as antisocial as they come and I get that it's annoying to have unexpected visitors but all you had to do was turn her away, telling her "sorry this is a bad time for me I have things I need to do" or something. Then schedule a better time, although it seems obvious you never want to actually spend anytime with this woman.

Your behaviour was many things, polite is not one of them. Also, describing a parent with whom you are acquainted with as a "random" is not polite. Don't worry, she has clearly received your hint and will likely steer clear of you in future. Problem solved.

burnoutbabe · 28/04/2019 09:29

It also sounds as though she stayed for ages, long enough to get a bit colder and bring blankets out (which many people do at a garden bbq rather than move inside) and husband to come home and even that didn't send her off.
Surely if it was that rude to the dropper in she'd have one hot drink then leave after a polite 30 mins.
My parents drive way has a nice seating area, lawn and yes the bins near by. Perfectly fine for a quick coffee whilst watching 2 kids play.

diddl · 28/04/2019 09:31

I agree that she was rude to turn up.

Are the kids young-would it have been better if she'd dropped & run?