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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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WIBU to make them sit outside?

808 replies

FissionChips · 28/04/2019 00:11

DH thinks I was.

A couple of weeks ago a parent from the school run turned up unannounced at my door saying she thought our children might like to play and that she fancied a catch-up.
I made them stay outside on the driveway (back garden unusable atm) and brought toys for the children to play with and chairs for us to it on, outside.

DH brought it up tonight, he saw her whilst shopping and she mentioned she felt a bit down after being here.

My argument is that I have told her before that I don’t appreciate visitors and will rarely invite them inside. I provided a drink for her and brought out blankets when the temperature cooled.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Grainedmonkey · 28/04/2019 07:51

I actually quite like your style OP

Yes strangely enough this OP is growing on me too!
Completely bonkers but none the less.

OP what other stuff have you done that completely mortified your DH? I would love to hear more.

iano · 28/04/2019 07:53

Oh dear OP. If you don't care about offending this woman I think you should care about how this behaviour might affect your child.

Is your DC not allowed to have friends over? I dread to think what will happen when they are older and want to hang about your house with a group of friends.

Not surprised at your DH's reaction.

FrancisCrawford · 28/04/2019 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poppet31 · 28/04/2019 07:54

I was this child when I was a little. Never allowed friends round, any visitors had to sit in the front garden because the house was always dirty and a mess. It's really messed me up and I carry a lot of shame because of it. I was always that weird kid at school. You don't want your child to be that kid OP.

HBStowe · 28/04/2019 07:57

I think you were both rude. She was pushy, and you were very inhospitable.

Is your house a tip / are you a hoarder...?

Ce7913 · 28/04/2019 07:59

It is rude to show up on someone's doortstep without notice or invitation and expect to be hosted, especially with multiple additional people.

The rudeness is compounded if you have already been informed that the homeowner does not welcome drop-ins and elect to stomp all over that boundary anyway.

That said, OP, your mistake here was that - instead of sticking to your previously stated boundary, refusing the visit and being (kindly) clear why - you assumed the role of host to an uninvited, unannounced, unwelcome visitor and proceeded to perform your duties begrudgingly and resentfully.

"I'm afraid we're not available today, Martha. Perhaps next Saturday?"

"What a pity you didn't call ahead; today isn't a good day for a drop-in visit. Please call next time so that we can avoid these disappointments."

"We're not available/just on our way out."

"Martha, I enjoy your company/value your friendship (if true), but I need you to respect that I don't enjoy drop-in visits/find them disruptive/whatever. Please call next time if you want to spend time together."

This is clearly a person who requires more explicit communication than what you've been giving.

...The thing is OP, once you have accepted the role of host (by not turning unasked-for guests away), there are certain broad expectations.

Yes, you are absolutely entitled to set certain limits on the nature/extent of your hosting - you certainly don't have to host anyone who bullied you into it or barged their way onto your property, and you don't have to run yourself ragged catering to four uninvited guests every precise whim.

...But you are obliged to conform to at least certain minimal norms, like letting them into your house, providing shelter, food/water and amenities.

If you don't, you can expect your (now guest) to feel varying degrees of slighted/hurt, and you can expect to alienate anyone else who makes overtures of friendship.

Far simpler and less dramatic and upsetting to either refuse unannounced drop-ins or require guests to wait to be invited, no?

Applesbananaspears · 28/04/2019 08:02

This simply can’t be true, surely nobody acts like this and doesn’t recognise that it’s totally weird?

Grainedmonkey · 28/04/2019 08:03

poppet I'm sorry to hear this and sorry for any offence caused by making fun of the situation . Hope you're ok Flowers

Cannyhandleit · 28/04/2019 08:05

Sounds like you are doing an excellent job of teaching your child social skills!

Booboostwo · 28/04/2019 08:09

I worried about your DC as well when reading this. DCs learn to model behaviour from their parents and this is a really odd reaction to visitors. Their social life will also be affected and later on they will start noticing that they are the odd one out. Please get help.

Snog · 28/04/2019 08:10

Sounds like a scene from a sitcom

MummaMooMoo · 28/04/2019 08:15

OP, all your responses to any criticism seem to be "but she was more rude/inappropriate/odd". That's not really the point, your behaviour was all of those things & since you're perfectly entitled to act that way, I say just accept that you're overly precious about your home and that's your issue, not the visitors. Then just be okay with it & revel in driveway dwelling!

Also, question: what about when they needed (or if they had needed) to use the toilet? How would that have worked out?

Magi84 · 28/04/2019 08:17

No wonder your DH was mortified! Is he allowed to have "randoms" in the house by the way. Beyond belief this saga.

Moorfields · 28/04/2019 08:20

Sounds like you are doing an excellent job of teaching your child social skills!

Maybe the op was brought up in a family where this kind of behaviour is normal so that's why she doesn't think it's rude. My sil doesn't invite anybody into her home including her family.

However she goes to other people's houses & enjoys their hospitality. She openly states that she doesn't like people & wonders why people don't like her! Hmm Confused Her mother was exactly the same so be careful op how you behave in front of the children.

Pinkyyy · 28/04/2019 08:22

I am at a complete loss for words.

RLABC · 28/04/2019 08:22

@bamb00 That did make me chuckle and I can see the scene playout in my head now Grin

OP I just don't have the words (that other PPs haven't already typed) to express how rude you were. Not that there's any point in trying because you think YADNBU

UrsulaPandress · 28/04/2019 08:24

What sort of chairs did you sit on?

RelaisBlu · 28/04/2019 08:24

I would have either invited her inside the house or told her with a smile that it wasn't convenient right now for the children to play - perhaps another time, by arrangement? I would never have done what you did and I'm not surprised your husband thought it was unreasonable.

Why do you find it so difficult to have people inside the house? As you sat with her in the drive chatting it doesn't seem to be the sociable aspect that troubles you?

MarthasGinYard · 28/04/2019 08:28

Op

You should Get one of those little retro workman's pop up tent things like BT used to use years ago.

Be perfect for you

Justonemorepancake · 28/04/2019 08:29

If you don't like people turning up unannounced why on earth did you not actually arrange a time to expect her on one of your apparently many previous conversations on the topic? You say you've told her several times you don't like unexpected guests so it was obviously a discussion about playdates. Why have you not extended a proper invite? Do you not want your DC to have friends over? If that's the case, sort yourself out.

saraclara · 28/04/2019 08:31

Once you have kids, you have to start compromising. If you continue to put your preferences ahead of your child's socialisation, you'll be failing as a parent.

TapasForTwo · 28/04/2019 08:31

Your DH is right.

I know there’s loads on Mumsnet who take a weird offence to people dropping in, but if you have friends this does sometimes happen. It’s not rude to knock on the door to say hi and see if the person you’re visiting is up for a cuppa Confused

I agree. I have one friend who drops by occasionally, BUT she never outstays her welcome, and she knows that she is always welcome. (I am clearly not a typical mumsnetters here)

I have actually, a couple of times when she has mentioned having coffee. I’m not sure what I could’ve said to her to make it clearer

Do you not like her at all, or do you just not like having visitors in your house?

Perhaps she is lacking social skills, it would explain her behaviour

Maybe she is, but I’m speechless that you have the cheek to say that when you are clearly lacking in social skills.

I just don’t want people in my home. I don’t see what’s wrong with that

This will come back and bite you on the bum. DD’s boyfriend’s parents have never allowed him to have friends round. He and DD have been together for over 3 years and he has been to our house loads of times, stayed over and eaten many meals here. DD has been invited to his house for tea just once. The BF is now at university and never wants to come home because he hates his controlling and clingy parents, hates not being able to see friends whenever he wants and hates not being able to have friends over. And his social skills are somewhat lacking, although they are being ironed out by living in halls now. You need to lighten up for your DC.

Nobody has shown any interest in asking why OP feels this way.

Loads of people have asked wertuio

but then again I have one of them open homes where the kettle is always on and my guests are always welcome which I hope my children to learn and continue

Our house is like this, but I don’t have social anxiety/dead bodies/a meth lab/live in a pig sty/am not a hoarder Grin

MsTSwift · 28/04/2019 08:31

Dying to know what is going on in your house that must not be witnessed by anyone else? Is it a home made crack den a la breaking bad? Or some sort of sex dungeon?

MummyofTw0 · 28/04/2019 08:34

I don't like it when people turn up unannounced but equally I think you were pretty rude

My house is often a mess with the kids,
So I would just apologise for the mess (if that's what's making you anxious) but I wouldn't feel bad about my mess as it was an unannounced visit

Tinyteatime · 28/04/2019 08:34

We knew a family like this. No one was ever allowed over the threshold, despite the fact that their kids used to let themselves in to our house. The general consensus was they were bloody weirdos.

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