To wonder what happens when your boyfriend asks your father for your hand...

[PumpkinLatteMyArse]

And then he says no?

Do adults just not get married then?

Miserable 'enlightened' shrills on this thread.
You know, once you've torn down all the traditions and values what do you actually think you'll be left with?

DH didn't ask, because I'm my own woman, thanks. I don't think my Dad would have said no, but he might well have tried to talk DH out of the idea .

You clearly have some very misogynistic thinking

How do i have misogynistic opinions??? My dad didnt get asked for permission? You very much dont understand how opinions and insults differ.

Jesus wept. It’s 2019.

Jesus wept. Let people do what they want

TBH if my dad was still alive when I got married (he was dead before we even got together) I would quite liked DH to ask for his permission. Maybe that is coloured because my dad was never going to meet my DH.

Dh did mention my mum that he was planning to pop the question which was lovely. Apparently my mum really over-excited herself

Out of curiosity, those that said this is a load of sexist bullshit did your dad walk you down the aisle?

Can I just point out that asking for permission can be sexist when its an expectation and it negatively impacts the relationship.

However, if the couple like traditions and feel its a nice way to involve the family and the boyfriend asks the family for a blessing (not permission) than nothing is wrong with that.
Just throwing that out there before anyone else decides to twist my words and insult me.

I asked DH to ask my dad because I knew my dad would want him to (I had already told my parents we wanted to get married). It also made DH get to know my family more as we lived a few hours drive away and DH was shy. My family is important to me and by doing this DH was showing me his commitment.

DH asked me first and I said yes. I then asked him to run it by my father, just in the interests of world peace and harmony, because my father was brought up with Victorian views and would have been upset not to be asked. His refusal would have made no difference to the outcome, but his agreement cost me/DH nothing. As it happened, the moment he chose to speak to my father was just as I was chasing a sheep round a field to upend her and trim her feet. As they watched over the garden wall, my father's reaction was to laugh and ask if DH knew what he was getting into.

It is a tradition that hurt no one in my case, and at least made my father feel his values had been observed.

We did not live together before marriage either. I know this is unusual in the 21st century. But circumstances did not allow for it.

You know, once you've torn down all the traditions and values what do you actually think you'll be left with?

Oh I don't know. Perhaps a society where women aren't defined by the men in their lives.

Just a thought.

Don't want to be miserable I'm just off to find something pink and fluffy to cheer myself up with.

”Miserable 'enlightened' shrills on this thread.
You know, once you've torn down all the traditions and values what do you actually think you'll be left with?”

Genuine equality. Still far off, it would seem.

My DH and I have a very equal relationship and I would very much consider myself and I DH would you that I’m an independent woman. I said I didn’t want him to ask my dad as I’m not his to give away etc but my DH felt it was the ‘right’ thing to do and it clearly mattered to him. He ended up chatting with my dad about marriage a good year before he actually proposed but for DH it was important to him to do that. I also think my dad appreciated. I rolled my eyes when I found it after but it didn’t overly upset me. Each to their own. It has not impacted on my very happy marriage one bit. I would have married DH yes or no as I love him!

God, there are some underthinkers on the thread. Aquilla, do you think marriage without one party asking the other party’s father in advance is fundamentally less meaningful?

Misogyny isn't a value so I think we'll do just fine without it.

Instead of upholding harmful traditions and hatred by engaging in rituals we don't understand that perpetuate harm, perhaps we could fill our lives with meaningful actions chosen on the basis of nurturing and valuing each other's humanity.

I mean, we seem to be coping quite well without the tradition of banishing women to "mother and baby homes" to have their child forcibly adopted.

Maybe we could cope quite well without all the other misogynistic conditioning and structures in our society too.

Just because something is "traditional", does not make it inherently valuable or positive.

”Out of curiosity, those that said this is a load of sexist bullshit did your dad walk you down the aisle?”

He didn’t “walk me”. I walked myself. He did accompany me. He did not give me away.

If I were getting married now, he wouldn’t even walk with me. Nor would I take DH’s name. But 21 years ago when I was 22, I didn’t feel I could go against expectations like that.

This happened to DH parents, so they eloped.

You know, once you've torn down all the traditions and values what do you actually think you'll be left with?

I saw many different sets of values growing up so that wasn't so much torn down as I considered and worked through which ones seemed worthwhile to me and continue to do so as I grow older. Having immigrated away and put these kinds of traditions of my family behind me (which doesn't include asking for the father's blessing unless the couple wants to enter into an arrangement with him), I've considered and built up new traditions with my family that I'm quite happy with and I'm sure my kids will change them further when they are grown. All traditions change, most of them aren't actually that old in the grand scheme of things and new ones grow as people and society changes.

While many of the ones mentioned in this thread are comparatively benign, there is plenty of vile traditions and values that I'm quite glad are gone or fading now. My daughters are literally the first girls in at least four generations of my family whose birth story does not involve someone being very disappointed at their being girls (to put it nicely). My sons are the first in many generations of my family not to be circumcised at hours old. Values and tradition change as people do, challenging and considering them is how we ensure they are of worth to go for and how we grow for better or worse.

Dh and I were asked by our now SIL. We both found it deeply cringeworthy. Dh just said something like

“Well Emma isnt our possession , shes an adult and knows her own mind. But we hope you will be very happy together “.

That’s a lie BTW, we don’t particularly like son in law. But they have been together for years so we smile amd nod a great deal.

Ive told all my other children in no uncertain terms that no one is ever to do any asking of me and DH. If they are young enough to need our permission we will say no. They know i think its a load of sexist bollocks.

If it was about welcoming someone into the family then both the man and the women would do it. I bet no one does it in gay couples.

My SiL came to our factory to ask us if we had any objections to him asking our DD to marry him, we thought it very respectful. We said of course we didn’t, they are now married and due a baby next week!!

He can't really say no. Or rather, he can, but surely he knows that's just him being a dick and you're going to get married anyway. And then probably not bother inviting him to the wedding lol.

I was pleased that my DH asked my parent's (yes, he asked my mum and step dad together, so it wasn't just man to man) first. It isn't because they own me, it's just a tradition that's lingered from the olden days. I've always viewed it as his way of him letting them know his intentions and a nice little tradition that they get to take part in, as well as a mark of respect to the family he will hopefully be joining.

I fully accept that other people see it differently and these are just my views. I really think if you're the sort of woman who would find this very offensive then surely your DP would already know this and know not to do it? If he goes and does it and it offends you then it's probably for the best as he obviously doesn't know you well enough to marry you. I think most people have an in-depth discussion about marriage before one of them would propose. Again, if you haven't done that then maybe you're not marrying the right person...

Sure people can have opinions about how it should be. But what if the parents-in-law come from a culture where It is expected to ask?

You could choose to ignore their expectations and make them upset for the sake of your beliefs; or you could make them happy by humouring them; or you could do something in-between (e.g. making a point of asking both parents and/or other family members).

My dh asked my dad for his blessing on my behalf. Would not have changed a thing if he'd said no. My dad took my hand and placed it in my future husbands and said she knows her own mind. If she says yes and you treat her right that is good enough for me.... hurt her .... I will hurt you! Love my dad

I think if a man had ever asked my father (RIP] for my hand my father would have advised me not to marry him. Quite strongly.

How do i have misogynistic opinions??? My dad didnt get asked for permission? You very much dont understand how opinions and insults differ.

The idea that asking for a fathers permission isnt sexist. And the calm down dear comment.

I understand people have different opinions. I didnt say you could have a different opinion. I just stated mine and you got all offended and excited.

I just dont agree dh talking out a decision between you too with your mother. I mean, come on, would he really not have proposed if she thought it wasnt a good idea? Or said 'no dont do it'. Probably not. So makes the converstation pointless.

Miserable 'enlightened' shrills on this thread.
A depressingly accurate description of so many Mumsnet threads these days. Fuck me, I can't believe how many sour faced joy suckers there are out there.

I think it's a sweet and respectful thing for a man to do, and lots of my friends DH's did this before proposing. None of the DFs said no and all seemed to appreciate the gesture. I'm mid thirties, by the way.

My DH wouldn't have dared to ask DF as he was terrified of him before we married (and for several years afterwards!) but if he had I certainly wouldn't have been offended. My DF would have found it hilarious, however and probably would have tried to talk him out of it.

The only person your partner should be seeking permission from is you!