To wonder what happens when your boyfriend asks your father for your hand...

[PumpkinLatteMyArse]

And then he says no?

Do adults just not get married then?

But what if the parents-in-law come from a culture where It is expected to ask?

If the relationship is close enough to involve them in the decision to marry, they are close enough to explain the reasons its sexist and you dont want to do it.

To echo many others I would have serious doubts about marrying a man who felt he needed to ask permission from my patriarch to marry me.
NB: this is a moot point anyway as my dad has been dead since I was nine...

I think it's a sweet and respectful thing for a man to do, and lots of my friends DH's did this before proposing

Respectful to who?

Not in the least respectful to the woman in question.

"Don't worry your pretty little head sweetie I will ask your father"

Fuck off.

”I can't believe how many sour faced joy suckers there are out there.”

Lol at the thought that DH not asking my dad’s permission “sucked joy” out of our wedding!

*I think it's a sweet and respectful thing for a man to do, and lots of my friends DH's did this before proposing

Respectful to who?*

His future in laws.

I think the best way for a man to respect his future in laws is by showing respect to their daughter first and foremost.

My DH asked my parents (more told them, then said 'if that's OK?') - out of mix of tradition & respect, and in the fairly certain expectation that they would be very supportive. If they had not given their blessing I know we would both have had a good pause for thought about why - which says a lot about how much we respect their opinion.

He then had to phone his own parents to tell them the news, in the fairly certain expectation that they would be against the idea. Which they were, and followed up with a long and detailed letter on the religious detail of why this was a terrible thing. We got on with it anyway. Which says a lot about the weight we gave to their input.

... I don't see why anyone would end a relationship just because their oh asked premission as pps have suggested?
Because it suggests that they both regard her as a piece of property to be given away or not at their behest.

Presumably once he has the fathers blessing he then actually asks his actual partner to marry him? And respects her answer? I'm struggling to understand how the gesture is disrespectful to the woman. She has the final say, presumably.

I just stated mine and you got all offended and excited
Nope not true.
If you read my other post you will see how i feel about the asking permission thing- certainly not misogynistic in any way but apparently if i dont agree with you then I must be sexist. And the conversation he had with my family didnt involve you so dont make assumptions and as i aready said it wasnt about asking permission, it was informing her. And please stop insulting me.

@turncloak

I'm struggling to understand how the gesture is disrespectful to the woman

Did you say something? Can you tell me what the men in your life think and then I will listen to your opinion. Men first then the ladies get to speak.

His future in laws.

How is it respectful to say, I know you expect me to ask your permission before I ask your daughter if she wants to spend her life with me.

Why is a fathers permission needed before the woman gets a chance to decide for herself?

”I'm struggling to understand how the gesture is disrespectful to the woman.“

You don’t understand how one man asking another man’s permission to marry a woman is disrespectful to the woman? Really?

And the conversation he had with my family didnt involve you so dont make assumptions and as iaready saidit wasnt about asking permission, it was informing her. And please stop insulting me.

He discussed it with her. So obviously cared about her opinion. So if her opinion was 'no its not the right time'ehat would he have done?

Me insulting you? You told me I dont understand family values because I dont agree with you.

You got all arsey, because i wont roll over. If you are happy, why would you care about my opinion on it.

I think it's odd, you dont and are happy. Really such a big deal?

Me insulting you? You told me I dont understand family values because I dont agree with you.

You called me misogynistic and sexist which is a significantly meaner insult that me pointing out my thoughts on your family values.

You got all arsey, because i wont roll over.
No, i got arsey because you insulted me by calling me sexist and a misogynist, bith very harsh and both uncalled for.

He discussed it with her. So obviously cared about her opinion. So if her opinion was 'no its not the right time'ehat would he have done?

It was obvious she was already on board and he was speaking about logistics and timing so she wouldnt have said no. Why the fuck do you care? You dont agree with in laws being involved in the lead up to marriage anyway so why cant you just leave it? Stop acting as if my dh committed the crime of the century by having a conversation with my mum before proposing.

You called me misogynistic and sexist which is a significantly meaner insult that me pointing out my thoughts on your family values.

That's your opinion, surely?

No, i got arsey because youinsultedme by calling me sexist and a misogynist, bith very harsh and both uncalled for.

No, I called you that after you got arsey and used the very misogynistic 'calm down dear'. Which is why I called you it.

@flowery I really don't. The woman has the final say. If she says no to the proposal, do you think that her partner says "Well fuck it, your Dad gave his permission so we're getting married whether you like it or not"?

And as made clear by several other posters on the thread, the DFs answer is rarely taken into account anyway. If a couple really want to get married they go ahead and do it regardless. It's a completely harmless gesture, founded in tradition, and it's bonkers that so many people are getting offended at the mere thought of it.

It was obvious she was already on board and he was speaking about logistics and timing so she wouldnt have said no. Why the fuck do you care? You dont agree with in laws being involved in the lead up to marriage anyway so why cant you just leave it? Stop acting as if my dh committed the crime of the century by having a conversation with my mum before proposing.*.

So he didnt get her opinion or discuss actually getting engaged then?

I havent accused him the crime of the century. That's a gross exaggeration. I simply said I find it odd. Finding something odd is certainly not the same as claiming it's the crime of the century.

The way you describe it, has nothing to do with asking permission or seeking an opinion.

I dont care about you or your proposal. I posted my opinion. You are the one that took issue with my opinion being different to yours.

Why cant you just leave it?

the DFs answer is rarely taken into account anyway.

Then what's the point?

It's not right that a man feels he cant ask his partner to marry until he has been given permission from her father. It's as simple as that.

The practice is based on the historical notion that a woman is property and that ownership is being passed from one man to another. It's offensive and just one of the ways that so-called traditions support societal notions that men have a right to control women.

@Putthatlampshadeonyourhead you really arent worth my time to reply. You obviously have your own agenda and wont even entertain someone else's opinion without resorting to insults. Im done, cant be arsed dealing with you anymore.

My dad offered to hold the ladder.

My DH didn't ask anyone but me, but I recall DBIL telling my dad that he was going to ask my DSis to marry him and was it ok if he joined our (very large and noisy Asian) family.

Dad said "crack on son", we love you.