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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder what happens when your boyfriend asks your father for your hand...

753 replies

PumpkinLatteMyArse · 27/04/2019 19:13

And then he says no? Confused

Do adults just not get married then?

OP posts:
Iseesheep · 27/04/2019 20:58

If asking your dad is bad enough, imagine having to get written permission from your (now) husband's boss?!! 1996 so not the 1800s.

GreytExpectations · 27/04/2019 20:59

*That's still sexist.

I don't think it proves good family values though.*

Just because thats your opinion, just make it true. Surely people can live their life the way they want to? Following traditions or not.

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 27/04/2019 21:00

@Brizzlemint obviously he knew from me, but hearing what a father's expectations are for his daughter from my own dad's point of view 1) gives my dad a chance to get any concerns off his chest 2) makes a big difference coming from the man that raised me instead of just me and 3) if DH had ran at the pressure of my father's wishes then it would of saved me alot of hassle down the line.
Also it's easy to lower your expectations when your "blind inlove" parents make sure you don't have any wool over your eyes when making the decision on who your spending your life with and who the father of your children will be.

dementedma · 27/04/2019 21:01

Dd gets married next year. Her fiance asked DH if he coukd see him and tokd him he was planning to ask dd to marry him and was it ok. A part of me did did think "and why didnt you ask me too, if you were going to ask parents?" but actually it was rather sweet.

Pa1oma · 27/04/2019 21:03

In some cultures, getting married is still seen as two families becoming involved. DH partly hails from such s culture so it wouldn’t have crossed his mind not to consult my dad first. He did this about a week before he proposed to me and I knew nothing about it, but I wasn’t surprised that my DF (and DM) knew before me. They hadn’t seen the ring though, nor did they know when or where he was proposing. Also, it showed me that DH had thought about it properly and respected my family, rather than just proposing in the spur of the moment.

bourbonbiccy · 27/04/2019 21:04

I think it would have made me quite sad if my father wouldn't have approved/ liked my husband to be as I value my fathers opinion.

I probably would have had to discuss it with my father, but would have gone on to marry him anyway as I knew he was a good man. It must be a difficult situation if it's happens.

flowery · 27/04/2019 21:05

”Also, it showed me that DH had thought about it properly and respected my family”

You mean he respected your dad. Doesn’t sound like he respected your mum much, if asking permission from your family is his chosen method of showing respect?

happymummy12345 · 27/04/2019 21:08

I think it's a nice gesture. My husband spoke to my dad and asked how he would feel about us getting married, and would he support us. It wasn't permission, just a nice touch. My dad said he would be happy for us. But as I quite rightly said after, even if he'd said no it still would have happened, I said I'd have got married with or without his blessing, and if without his blessing, then without him there as well.

TheFlis12345 · 27/04/2019 21:09

MN hates men asking Dads for their blessing for some reason. IRL, just about everyone married guy I know asked and none of the women were offended by this, they were all happy.

KennDodd · 27/04/2019 21:10

I would hope that if any of my daughter's boyfriends asked my husband's permission to marry one of them, he would say 'no'. He would not want either of our girls to marry a man who treated her as a chattel to be handed from her father to her husband.

MaxNormal · 27/04/2019 21:11

It's interesting that those who married in the 90s think it's sexist tosh but those more recently married seem to be keen on the whole thing.
I'm in the sexist tosh camp.

Likethebattle · 27/04/2019 21:22

No why would DH ask my father. My father has absolutely nothing to do with our relationship? It would just seem very odd to me. Also why would he ask for just my hand, i’m not ‘thing’ from the Addams family?

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 27/04/2019 21:23

Aren't most brides-to-be already living with their partners? Seems bizarre to ask the parents about something that basically equates to a bit of paper rubber-stamping their financial situation. Even more bizarre if they already have children.

CraftyGin · 27/04/2019 21:24

When my now DH asked for my father’s permission, my dad insisted they shared a whole bottle of whisky before he gave his consent.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 27/04/2019 21:28

Just because thats your opinion, just make it true. Surely people can live their life the way they want to? Following traditions or not.

Of course it's my opinion. Like it's your opinion that your dh showed he had good family values by doing it. That's simply your opinion.

Asking permission is sexist, because it treats women like possessions. At it's pretty stupid to ask a question if you will ignore it anyway, if you dont get the answer you want.

Having a chat with your mum, isnt asking permission. Its 2 different things. But I do find it odd, that's my opinion. When did mumsnet become somewhere you cant have an opinion? Oh that's right, it didnt.

goldenchicken · 27/04/2019 21:30

I don't think this has been a thing for a century tbh.

Don't know anyone (alive) who it's happened to.

Windowsareforcheaters · 27/04/2019 21:31

My dad would have refused on the basis that the daughter he brought up to be an independent strong woman would not want to marry a misogynistic twat.

When he stopped laughing that is.

GreytExpectations · 27/04/2019 21:37

When did mumsnet become somewhere you cant have an opinion? Oh that's right, it didnt.

Do calm down dear.

Motheroffeminists · 27/04/2019 21:40

I thought seven camels was the going rate?

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 27/04/2019 21:40

Do calm down dear.

I am not the one complaining that people have opinions and accusing people of knowing what family values are.

I am calm. You clearly have some very misogynistic thinking. Especially your use of the above phrase.

You arent worth getting worked up over.

FuzzyShadowChatter · 27/04/2019 21:50

Asking the father is spoken about a lot where I come from though I only know a couple men who did so for certain, all of the older generations (though I left at 17 so don't really know much about mine). I don't know anyone having been turned away though all blessings I have heard of involved agreements being made as part it being granted (men working for their bride-to-be's father, housing arrangements, having qualification and even degree fees paid for and similar) which I can see makes sense as something I could see being agreed with between the couple as the best way to go even if I would never do so myself.

This was the situation with a man who asked my grandfather to marry my aunt, him and my aunt agreed that was for the best. She asked my mother for advice on that which is how I found out about all of it when I was 12 or so. They lived with my grandparents for several years and my grandfather helped pave the way for my uncle's career, my grandparents provided childcare and lived with them in retirement. Even then, the bride-to-be is still asked first though and if the groom-to-be discusses it and asks a blessing from the father, it's done with her there so the idea of asking the father or talking with the family without both parts of the couple present isn't part of our traditions which, as is probably obvious, has pretty old patriarchal transactional roots. Those who don't want to enter that type of arrangement generally don't ask for blessings, it's seen as sensible to do so - why make life harder if you don't need to, but those who stay in the community without doing so like my sister or whose father's don't give a blessing aren't at any other disadvantages, if that makes sense. It usually just means there is no or no longer any relationship between father and daughter, but the wider community doesn't really care as long as people play nice about it (not making scenes about family issues is seen as far more important than getting a blessing to marry).

To me, someone who asked my parents would be like someone who proposed with a diamond ring - they obviously don't know me well enough to be asking me to marry them. I wasn't 'given away' when I married and I walked into the registry office with my now-spouse at my side. Neither of my parents were involved. I'd rather celebrate with my children after they make the choice than be that involved in who they choose to legally bind themselves to. If they're old enough to do that, having anyone asking me or their father is just asking for them to get some sort of herculean tasks for our amusement.

TheBulb · 27/04/2019 21:50

Any woman who feels his is ‘sweet’, ‘respectful’, or shows ‘good family values’ should be tapped firmly on the nose with a rolled- up copy of Mary Wollstonecraft’s Vindication of the Rights of Woman. Jesus wept. It’s 2019.

Backwoodsgirl · 27/04/2019 21:53

DH asked my dad, and BiL asked FiL. It didn’t bother me, it was traditional.

I probably would have got married anyway

TheSunIsShining19 · 27/04/2019 21:58

Aww when the time is right for my DP and I, I have already warned him to ask for my grandfathers blessing first (father isn't in my life)

If he doesn't I'm saying no 😂😂

Pa1oma · 27/04/2019 22:00

I think if you have a reasonable relationship with your DF, it’s still more common than not for the DH to ask, but it’s not a good idea if you’re estranged or have a poor relationship with him.