To wonder what happens when your boyfriend asks your father for your hand...

[PumpkinLatteMyArse]

And then he says no?

Do adults just not get married then?

My sister and all my engaged or married mates have had their partners ask their dad’s. I’m 30, so not particularly old.

I specifically told DH not to bother.

I think it’s bizarre to be honest. Normally I’d say each to their own, but it’s one tradition that perpetuates some very outdated ideas about marriage and a woman’s right to self determination.

If my DF has said “no”, then I’m sure DH would have just said something along the lines of, “sorry you feel that way but I’m going to ask her anyway.” So it’s a formality.

I think people on here are being very judgemental. In my experience most times the boyfriend asks is because they know its important to their girlfriend. Various cultures like certain traditions and if everyone is happy with it then no need to for the nasty comments.
Anyway, it would depend on the couple, honestly. If it is very important to the two of them and they dont get the "blessing" than i suppose they would probably lose contact with the girls family but imo that wouldnt be a family youd want to be involved with (depending on their reasons of course) but i doubt this actually happens. Most times, they probably just do it anyway and everyone moves on with their lives.
Fwiw, my husband never asked my father but he did have a conversation with my mum beforehand about her thoughts, because it was important to me. I think it shows that my husband has good family values. But no, i was not anyones anyone's property to be given.

It’s the complete opposite of respectful. It’s hugely disrespectful. Are you owned by your dad? Are you an object? No. If it was just being polite and asking parents then he’d ask your mum too. And you’d ask his parents. But you don’t.

Respectful indeed 😂

AIBU to wonder what happens when your boyfriend asks your father for your hand

In my case, my father answered with "Are you sure???"

but he would have expected to be informed before the proposal.

Do you not feel a bit like you should be the first to know?!

I often think this.

Aside from the very sexist element to it. If the dad says no and you do it anyway, what the hell was the point in asking?

It's a pointless question as most people would go ahead and get married anyway.

I hate being asked questions where theres only one answer or the answer will be ignored anyway. Its manipulative and pointless.

In my case, my father answered with "Are you sure???"

I think my father would have thought he was being punked somehow.

Im not actually sure they met before thr wedding thinking about it. My parenst werent actually at it either.

@PumpkinLatteMyArse eventually yes. They get married and the father might not speak to his daughter for years until he saw that actually her husband is a good man. It's usually though when the daughter has a baby, the men soften up when a babies born lol.

What a nasty group of posters on this thread, judging other peoples choices.

I have known a couple of people that have sought the approval of parents ie not specifically their dad, when wanting to propose to their daughter. I think it’s odd although a lot of people seem to think it’s a nice thing to do. But surely if you know your partner and your family you know their opinion of you already and whether you would be seen as being good for their daughter?

Strange all round, I think, as if parents said they approve and then the proposal gets turned down does that mean that the parents nag their daughter to change her mind?!

Ultimately it is a decision between 2 people and no-one else.

5 more sheep and two cows

I'd agree it's a ludicrous and sexist tradition and would argue with PP that it's more respectful to ask both parents (but makes more sense to ask neither). However, most matrimonial traditions are inherently sexist, so why draw the line there? If the bride has been conditioned to find the patriarchy and ownership of women romantic, desirable or just unavoidable then that's her business IMO.

I think people on here are being very judgemental. In my experience most times the boyfriend asks is because they know its important to their girlfriend.

But the question is why is it important to the girlfriend? Tradition isnt an answer. If something is sexist, its sexist, even if a tradition.

I think it shows that my husband has good family values. But no, i was not anyones anyone's property to be given.

How?

@pumpkin my dad's the type of father to, say:
No to be funny because that's his humour and he would never stop me doing what I want.
"Yes make her your problem not mine", same reason as above.
Or
You should be asking her this question, which I think my mum would ensure he said after either of the above answers

I think I'm very lucky in the sense that my parents adore my oh and he gets on really well with them.

I think it depends on the family dynamic to be honest. My husband told my Dad he was going to do it, and I like that he did.

My brother in law didn’t for my sister and I don’t think my Dad was fussed either way. He liked that mine did, but wasn’t bothered my BIL didn’t

@PumpkinLatteMyArseeventually yes. They get married and the father might not speak to his daughter for years until he saw that actually her husband is a good man. It's usually though when the daughter has a baby, the men soften up when a babies born lol.

Babies are good for that :) Sorry I was short with you after the first post I thought you were having a pop!

I have a family member whose religion ask both sets of parents. The point being that everyone is happy and that it forces everyone to sort their shit out first. I can see the point in that. It's not sexist that way either. It does seem a bit antiquated though when people get married so much older than they did in the past.

My husband didn’t ask my dad. It wouldn’t of bothered me if he had of done.

To all those screaming that they wouldn’t of married him if he did, how did you feel about your dad walking you down the aisle? Is it not the same thing? I mean it’s your dad giving you away.

”It’s just respectful.”

No, it’s completely disrespectful. If a boyfriend had asked my dad for permission/blessing I would have found it very disrespectful to me, and clearly not married him.

Luckily DH knows I’m an independent grown adult who doesn’t need anyone’s blessing!

@Putthatlampshadeonyourhead whether or not its sexist is your opinion but it depends on the people involved and how its done. It can be seen as a way of welcoming the boyfriend into the family. If a girl finds this important than nothing is wrong with that. Its only wrong if she gets no say at all.
It shows family values because my dh actually cared about my family's thoughts and wanted to inform my family about the upcoming proposal as a nice thing to do. Either way, he just spoke to my mum about it. He never asked anyones "permission".

My father was very upset my then bf did not ask him. He just assumed that it was a tradition, like walking the bride down the aisle or doing a toast.

@PumpkinLatteMyArse that's fine lol I read it back and it did sound a bit shitty.

Just to clarify aswell that most of the boys get a yes anyway because they also need permission to court these girls too.

By that point the father has built up a relationship with her future husband anyway and has no reason to object.

whether or not its sexist is your opinion but it depends on the people involved and how its done. It can be seen as a way of welcoming the boyfriend into the family. If a girl finds this important than nothing is wrong with that. Its only wrong if she gets no say at all.

No, it's not an opinion. If you are asking permission to marry someone, it means you believe that person owns your partner.

How is asking permission, welcoming someone into the family?

If the girl finds it's important, it's likely she has been brought up in a misogynistic household. That is concerning. Sexism, is everyone issue, surely?

I dont think it doesn mean theres good family values. I would rather my partner felt this was a decision me and him could make without involving other people.

To all those screaming that they wouldn’t of married him if he did, how did you feel about your dad walking you down the aisle? Is it not the same thing? I mean it’s your dad giving you away.

Both my parents walked me down the aisle. The priest didnt ask 'who gives this bride' either.

Not that difficult