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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be aware this is going to kill me but seemingly be unable to stop

373 replies

fatfatfat · 27/04/2019 06:55

I am really overweight. Historically this has never been the case. I was a skinny teenager and I used to have dinner ladies trying to fatten me up.

I had a pretty major trauma when I was 18 and I developed an eating disorder, which seems SO ironic now. In some ways it never really went away, although once I started FT work I did have to eat a bit more just to not draw adverse attention to myself. I remained quite underweight though.

The problem is, the last three years or so have been immensely stressful and my weight has ballooned. I had to get to a healthy weight in order to start a procedure and I was 9 and a half stone in 2013. I remember DH saying he thought that was a good weight for me. But then it just ballooned out of control.

Eating (and drinking) has become the thing I do, it's my absolute favourite. And obviously the more weight I've put on the worse it's got. None of my clothes fit. I don't go to places. I don't see people. I won't have my photo taken. All in all I am miserable as fuck ... so why the fuck can't I stop eating!?

DH, my own sister, MIL and a couple of friends have in various ways pulled me up on it, some gently and some not so. I've been reminded of the effect on my own children, that diabetes and a premature death may be the end result. But it also impacts on all our lives in a thousand different ways. DD was desperate for me to ride a horse alongside her but I wouldn't (I knew the owner would ask me how much I weighed and I wouldn't say and also didn't want the poor creature to collapse.) I won't go swimming with my children. Last weekend DD wanted me to go on a ride with her - it was only a carousel thing (she is 3) but it was one of those carriages you sit in and I knew I would struggle to get my fat arse in it! I barely see my friends. I pull out of social occasions because - honestly - I just can't find clothes.

I don't know why I am posting. Well, I want to start Monday. Again. But I'm so miserable.

OP posts:
kateandme · 27/04/2019 22:43

Thunderspuds this

Unicornshopkeeper · 27/04/2019 22:53

Placemarking. I need to come back and read some of the good advice

Rudeabaga · 28/04/2019 00:21

Just wanted to say I sympathise as I am in almost identical position. Trying to focus on exercise rather than diet/eating currently to start good habits that are unrelated to food, wish you good luck. Start with a flat cycling route / walk up hills. No shame in it!

gluteustothemaximus · 28/04/2019 00:37

I had anorexia as a teen, and never thought I'd be overweight. But after 3 children and a shit load of stress, turns out, I could.

Best way is baby steps. Make swaps on food. Set yourself a good and reasonable calorie intake, not something stupid like 500-1000 calories. Something you can stick to.

Best way to avoid junk is not to have it in the house.

Drink water.

Walk daily.

Be kind to yourself. Get family on board to help. My fitness pal is a God send.

Good luck OP. You can do this x

christmasinus · 28/04/2019 00:45

@fatfatfat I don't know if you are still reading this thread. It has made me so angry I've been tempted to throw the laptop across the room a couple of times and its not even about me.

In your OP you say "Eating (and drinking) has become the thing I do, it's my absolute favourite. And obviously the more weight I've put on the worse it's got. None of my clothes fit. I don't go to places. I don't see people. I won't have my photo taken. All in all I am miserable as fuck ... so why the fuck can't I stop eating!?"

I hear you.

When I went to the GP and said this exact thing to them, they told me to cut out butter, get a smaller plate to serve my dinners on and go to parkrun. Yep. That i'll do it Confused

If I could apply will power to the situation and sort myself out I wouldn't have the problem.

All the well meaning advice I have suffered through. The idolatry of breakfast as a cure for binge eating, the low carb, high carb, vegan or meat only eating plans. The diet groups. The amazon self help paperbacks. The random exercise dvds I would watch once whilst eating toast.....

No diet worked for me, exercise of many sorts didn't work for me, counselling didn't work for me (cbt or psychotherapy x 4 different people) (and actually there is very little peer reviewed clinical evidence it does work for binge eating).

Overeaters Anonymous sort of worked for me, in that it relieved the need to eat when I went to meetings and worked the steps hard and at least they understood the powerlessness over food which God knows, no-one else does but it never got rid of the problem at root (to be fair it doesn't promise to, it offers you a reprieve one day a time whilst you are working the program only) and 2 young dc made it impossible to do 3 meetings a week plus sponsor etc it didn't work. In my decade there I can count the number of morbidly obese people who got down to a healthy weight and stayed there on 1 hand. Thats not to say it didn't offer me some relief, but not a cure iyswim)

In the end what worked for me was accidentally hearing a piece on radio 4 woman's hour about breast cancer and the host, jenny murray, who had previously had breast cancer said to the surgeon being interviewed 'I must sort myself out and lose my weight as I know its bad for me having had breast cancer' and the surgeon said 'well, no, actually you probably wont be able to. The clinical figure for someone who has a BMI over 35 being able to lose weight successfully is 1 in 430 for women. Long term recovery is generally not achievable because physiological changes happen in the body to make long term weight loss virtually impossible. You need to have surgery'

I looked it up and its true, at my BMI the figure for women was 1 in 677. Here is a link to the study.

It is, in my opinion a monstrous disgrace that the NHS is offering slimming club referrals, gym memberships, telephone counselling and the like when it knows from its own highly respected 30,000 patient study that there is virtually no chance of it working for almost anyone whose BMI has got to that point. The only thing that has been clinically proven to offer a long term solution is bariatric surgery because the disordered Ghrelin producing cells in the stomach need to be removed.

I had never for one second considered having surgery. I mean, the problem was with my desire for food, not my body. I hadn't realised that there was a physiological reason why when other people get full they lose interest in food and that just doesn't happen to me.

Germany and France have roughly the same population as the UK at 70million give or take. The UK does 5,000 bariatric surgeries a year, France and Germany each do 50,000 because they have the moral integrity to be honest about the fact that it is the only treatment that is successful for obesity. That's 45,000 more people in each of those countries being given a chance each year.

A couple of years ago the BBC made a documentary about this issue with the nhs head of bariatric surgery at University College Hospital London. It is on if you want to watch it. I did and it saved my life. 8 stone down, normal BMI, I formed a little private whats app with everyone who had surgery in the hospital with me that week....all at a normal weight.

And why did it happen? Did years of comfort eating train my body to crave the food? Did it come about because modern processed food is poison to certain people? Was it my childhood trauma? Is it antibiotics messing the gut up? Maybe all those things, maybe none, I really don't know. All I know is the operation sorted out whatever had happened to me physiologically, and now I have the energy to slowly come to terms with the emotional issues in my life as I'm not dying of morbid obesity 30 years early or constantly trying to stop eating.

M3lon · 28/04/2019 00:46

Counselling is a valid therapy that shows benefit beyond placebo in repeating trials.

That certainly doesn't mean it is a 100% effective...it isn't...its usually around 40-60% depending on what you are using it for.

This makes it better than some drugs used to treat various conditions (eg. most chemotherapies for melanoma) and worse than others (eg. insulin for diabetes).

Its perfectly fair enough to not want to engage in a treatment you don't believe will be effective. Hey, there are people who won't take drugs for all sorts of things the drugs would work on for all sorts of reasons...there is no obligation!

But it isn't okay to repeatedly state that counselling is a placebo. It isn't okay to repeatedly state its just the same as talking to friends or family.

It has been shown by medical research to be both distinguishable and far more effective than either placebo or generic talking.

For full disclosure I have been the recipient of counselling 4 times in my life.

1st time was for stress and was reasonably useful in building coping strategies (work paid - I probably wouldn't have done more than one session if I was paying)

2nd time was for depression and was free on the NHS. It was beyond shit. A total joke.

3rd time I paid for private sessions myself, also for depression. Again it was mediocre to shit. I'd have stopped sooner if it hadn't been reasonably cheap.

4th time I was on the verge of losing my job and possibly my life to depression and I much more to see someone with some serious credentials. It turned my life around in about a month. Just unbelievable.

The only one of these 4 experiences that bore any resemblance to 'just talking' was the NHS one.

M3lon · 28/04/2019 00:51

christ thank you for your post - that is incredibly interesting and powerful.

The diet industry is really does have the kind of results that could fairly be declared to be negative beyond placebo.

TBH that has really opened my eyes to my own battles with weight. I've been up and down all my life but never EVER stable.

Thank you again for the information!

christmasinus · 28/04/2019 01:07

@M3lon I'm glad it was useful. I worried after I posted about how long it was so I'm glad it made some sense. I was kind of on a rant when I wrote it! I'd really recommend that documentary. Good luck, Christmas

fatfatfat · 28/04/2019 06:34

It was really, really helpful christmas but also terrifying.

Am I actually going to need surgery? Shock

OP posts:
PrincessTiggerlily · 28/04/2019 06:45

Wow, that is interesting Christmas, a good incentive to stay below 35 when you feel your weight increasing.

WendyImHome · 28/04/2019 06:58

Hi OP

Have you heard of/looked to see if there are any OA meetings in your area? Very supportive to be in a room full of people with the same issues as you. And most people there have crossed eating disorders ie. bulimia and anorexia or anorexia which turned into binge eating x

WendyImHome · 28/04/2019 07:01

Sorry I just noticed this has already been mentioned!

fatfatfat · 28/04/2019 07:03

As far as counselling is concerned, my personal belief is that what it probably stemmed from is the wide-held and generally accepted belief that talking things through helps you process, understand and ultimately move on. I agree with this.

I also agree that sometimes it is best done with someone neutral, and it is only right that they are paid for it.

But anywhere where there is a whiff of desperation or vulnerability will be filled with folk tales and snake oil. Mental health is no different. Even some of the treatments with the best average effects are ineffective or harmful in some cases, which is why I'm so wary of the "go to counselling, it WILL work, you DO need it" posts.

You might all be interested to know I have had several PMs on the back of this thread, all offering me various treatments (at a fee, of course!)

It would be interesting if we paused amidst all this and asked ourselves well, cui bono - but so deep is this attitude that "you need councilling Hmm op" that I suspect even saying that will bring outrage to my door!

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 28/04/2019 07:22

I would send those PMs to MN @fatfatfat - I am sure that is not what the PM is for.

Good Luck with your journey - weight loss is tough, keeping it off is tough and you can only do that when the time is right for you.

ReadWriteDraw · 28/04/2019 08:05

I had counselling at one time to talk through grief I was going through. Nice lady and helpful as I didn’t have anybody else to talk to in real life but not life changing.

I had CBT many years later for really severe OCD - I.e. if I was carrying shopping and I stepped over glass I thought the shopping was contaminated and had to throw it out. I was really really unwell and had stopped living, I was just existing to be honest. CBT gets you to focus on changing your responses to a situation rather than endlessly going over what happened in the past. My therapist was tough - there was no nicey nicey “there you go, have a tissue”! I learnt some very important strategies which I still use now from time to time. I started living again which in all the hours curled up on the sofa weeping and wanting it all to go away, I never thought I would.

Anyway, I know you don’t want CBT but I though it might be useful for others.

I hope you’re feeling better this morning. There are some really inspirational stories on this thread as well as the stroppy ones (I honestly cannot believe people have PM’d you - not on). Good luck and I hope that something chimes. Lots of love and luck

Flaverings · 28/04/2019 08:12

The thing with surgery is that, yeah, sometimes it works but sometimes it's ineffective or even harmful. This is why you have to be wary about the posts saying that only surgery can work.

Of course, the people who are offering surgery actually get paid for doing it. So go figure.

Flaverings · 28/04/2019 08:13

Also, I agree with PP that PMs for counselling is inappropriate. I'm surprised you've had that and no PMs about brilliant weightloss shakes or 'programmes'.

fatfatfat · 28/04/2019 08:21

NO Flaverings, you know that is bollocks.

The NHS don't offer treatment unless it's cost effective. You know this. Don't try and be clever and twist what I am saying.

OP posts:
Fazackerley · 28/04/2019 09:03

There's no need to be so aggressive. You're a bit fat. It's not cancer. Honestly OP in the nicest possible way get over yourself. Stop fasting then gorging and do some exercise. And stop overthinking all the bits of advice that you don't like.

christmasinus · 28/04/2019 09:03

@Flaverings "This is why you have to be wary about the posts saying that only surgery can work"

I didn't say that only surgery can work and I don't think there is another post on this thread that says only surgery can work. Indeed even in my thread I pointed out that Overeaters Anonymous had been of some help to me.

What I did say was that the official peer reviewed clinical statistics of a long term study of 30,000 people in the UK showed that statistically the chance of being able to get down to a safe BMI from a bmi of 35 or over is 1 in 430 and if your BMI is over 35 is 1 in 677.

When I learnt of those statistics it changed the whole way I saw the situation. I'd never heard them before and frankly I wish someone had told me them years earlier.

teta · 28/04/2019 09:05

It’s not bollocks..
You can become extremely ill and have issues after this type of surgery. You can also cheat and put all the weight back on by drinking liquidised mars bars etc. It has been known.
Surgery usually works but is way too expensive to perform on everyone.
Obesity is a major issue and will break the NHS. The increasing number of diabetics is ballooning out of control. Interestingly very low calorie diets have been shown to be very successful at reversing diabetes in many diabetics and the studies seem to indicate the patients keep it off but the trials are very small numbers as of yet .
There’s no one simple answer to weight loss. What each person has to do is find their own answers. It’s not a political issue as you seem to be making it into Fatfat. I repeat you’ve been offered lots of help but seem to be intent of finding reasons you can’t lose weight. I’ve seen lots of acknowledgement of sympathetic posts but absolutely no acknowledgement of posters offering you ideas to help. Making excuses will ensure you will carry on feeling out of control and overweight.

christmasinus · 28/04/2019 09:17

@fatfatfat I don't know if its necessary or appropriate for you to have surgery.

Surgery has risks associated with anaesthesia, infection etc.
It is expensive (it is very hard to get it on the NHS so I didn't try). Before I had it done I wrote a letter to my young dc's in case something went wrong in the operation and that wasn't a bundle of laughs either. Then there's the post op pain, the weird pureering of food, the opinion of every man and his dog from here to texas on what i'd done etc etc

But statistically, it is proven to be clinically effective and that is something I thought you should know.

There aren't any paths full of rainbows, unfortunately. I think you just have to weigh up (excuse the pun) what is the least worst case scenario for you. Good luck x

fatfatfat · 28/04/2019 09:19

I am not having surgery folks ... I can't afford it in any case!

OP posts:
GodolphianArabian · 28/04/2019 09:27

I think christmasinus has made a really important point. Weight loss and maintaining a healthy weight are much more complex than people accept. The number of obese people is going up despite people knowing it will shorten their life and reduce their quality of life. It's not a collective lack of will power it's much more complex.

The current advice around dieting has failed and will continue to fail. It's not that people fail to stick to diets or don't get enough exercise. It's that the advice given doesn't work in the long term. Our understanding of nutrition is wrong. We act like our body is a machine which you fill with fuel to work. A machine will combust the fuel in one way whereas our bodies have multiple complex biological pathways via which nutrition is digested and absorbed. Then there are are other complex biological pathways through which nutrition is used as fuel. So we have multiple factors at play and we don't yet fully understand all of them. We might be able to get people to a healthy weight but we don't know how to keep them there.

OhTheRoses · 28/04/2019 09:33

But the answer isn't state funded surgery. It's about self control and portion size. And probably because relatively food has become cheap and very easily obtainable.